HUDSON HAWK

                             HAWK
               Never happen.  Bet.  Ten bucks.

     Hawk and the Wise Guard hit fists, half-smiling.  Hawk
     unfolds the painting.

                             HAWK
               Oh, give this back to Petey in A
               block.  Tell him it was a sweet
               gift, but I think he got some
               wrong ideas about our friendship.

                             YOUNG GUARD
               The Paint Thinner Killer did
               this?  I think you picked a good
               day to get out...

     The trio comes to the final checkpoint.  Hawk takes a
     deep breath.

                             WISE GUARD
               Hope I lose the bet.  Have that
               cappuccino on me.

                             HAWK
                       (flipping him the
                        pipe cleaner)
               You got it.  A double.

     EXT. OUTSIDE THE PRISON--DAY

     Hawk strides to the Massive Sliding Concrete Door/Wall
     between him and freedom.  As music crescendos and
     Hawk glows his first smile, the door opens to reveal two
     Mafioso brothers, CESAR and ANTONY MARIO, the latter
     sitting upon the hood of a tinted window Lincoln
     Continental.  Cesar is of cool, hair-slicked-back
     attitude, his scumbag brother is not.

                             ANTONY
               Welcome back, buddy ol' pal.
               We've got a proposition...

                              HAWK
               Answer's no, not even if you
               bathe.  Cesar Mario, Antony Mario,
               how's the "Family?"  Kill any
               monkeys lately?

                              CESAR
               How many times do I have to say
               it?  I didn't put the hit on
               Little Eddie... Never had anything
               against that kooky chimp.  I
               actually found him, "endearing."

                             HAWK
               Sure.  Face down.  Two endearing
               shots to the back of the head.
               That's your mark, man.  What did
               Little Eddie ever do to...

     Smouldering, Hawk struts off.  Cesar takes a black
     canvas bag from a SCARFACED DRIVER and hustles up to
     Hawk.  The Lincoln rumbles behind them, Antony riding
     on the hood.

                             CESAR
               You're hitting Rutherford's
               Auction House.  Easy as my
               brother's wife.  Directions are
               in the bag.  Just open the seventh
               floor safe and take out the
               thingie...

                             HAWK
               Or you cut off my thingie.
               Directions even your brother
               would understand.
        
                             ANTONY
                       (defensively)
               Yeah, directions even I could
               understand.

     The car squeals to a stop.  Antony bounds off.  Cesar
     shove-throws the canvas bag into Hawk's unwilling
     hands.

                             CESAR
               Hawk, you're a great thief.  Got
               set up, did some time, nothing to
               be ashamed of.  Don't give me a
               sonata about you always just
               really wanted to settle down,
               open a hardware Store and sell
               spatulas...

                             HAWK
               If the Mario brothers weren't
               Jersey's third largest family,
               I'd say kiss my ass.  But
               considering your status, I'll
               say slurp my butt.

     Hawk fiercely push-shoves the canvas bag back into
     Cesar's hands.

                             CESAR
               What's your favorite sport, Hawk?

                             HAWK
               Baseball, why?

     Antony opens the back door of the Lincoln and says
     "Baseball."  He is handed a baseball bat.  Hawk backs
     up as Antony moves threateningly toward him.

                             HAWK
               I meant, ping pong.  Listen, I'd
               rather go back in than whore for
               you...
                       (stopping)
               Oh, I need to borrow ten dollars.

     A PRISON GUARD from above turns as not to be a witness.
     Hawk feebly calls up to him.

                             HAWK
               Help?  Police?

     Antony swings at Hawk, who pretends not to notice until
     the last second.  Hawk ducks and slam-kicks his calf.
     Antony crumples, using the bat as a crutch.  Hawk boots
     up the bat for a two-handed catch then savagely pivots
     it across Antony's face, knocking him into the backseat
     of the car.

                             CESAR
                       (unfazed)
               You need some time to think.
               That's cool, but next time, I'm
               not going to say "Please."

     Cesar floats into the backseat.  The Lincoln takes off.
     Hawk seethes...

                             HAWK
               I don't believe this.  I've been
               out forty seconds...

     A BACKFIRE rings out.  Hawk hits the ground, thinking
     it is a gunshot.

     HAWK'S ON THE GROUND P.O.V.

     A gasping 1960 Caddy comes to a stop and a pair of a too-
     fancy-to-be-tasteful shoes comes out.  Hawk looks up to
     see ALEX MESSINA, his older, maybe-maybe-not-wiser best
     friend.

                             ALEX
               That's the first thing I did.
               Smooch the ground and taste the
               freedom.  Sorry I was late.  Miss
               anything?

                             HAWK
                       (getting up)
               Your timing, and your shoes, are
               impeccable...  Good to see you,
               Alex, been having a lousy day.

                             ALEX
               Lousy day?  The man's getting out
               of prison and he's having a
               lousy day.  What, you missing out
               on the Cell Block Water Ballet
               pageant?  Believe me, it's
               overrated.

     Hawk pauses to say something, then just hugs Alex.

                             ALEX
               Where's the kiss?  No tongue this
               time, I promise.

     A laughing Hawk gives Alex's stomach a slap before
     getting in the car....

                             HAWK
               Looks like you've been expanding
               your...

                             ALEX
               Don't say it, Hawkins.  I'm
               incredibly sensitive about my
               fucking figure.

                             HAWK
               My next word was gonna be
               "consciousness."  Swear to God...
               tubby.

     EXT. THE ROAD INTO HOBOKEN--DAY

     The Caddy thunders past a sweet Manhattan view. "Come
     Fly With Me" is playing on the radio.  Hawk casually com-
     pletes an intimidating hand puzzle.

                             HAWK
               That's your definition of "Hard?"

                             ALEX
               Show off.  Hey, boss tune.  "Come
               Fly with Me."

                             HAWK
               Three minutes, 51 seconds.

                             ALEX
               Still do the puzzles, still know
               the running times of songs, and
               I'll bet you're still the best
               damn cat burg--

                              HAWK
               Not anymore.  Now I'm the laziest
               damn cat burg--I'm going to take
               it so straight that I won't tape
               a Mets game without the expressed
               written consent of the National
               Baseball League.

                             ALEX
               Now that you're born again,what
               do you wanna do?  Statue of
               Liberty?  Entertain some ladies?
               Miss Saigon tix?  Seduce some
               women?  Play Nintendo?  Bone some
               chicks?

                             HAWK
               Come on, Alex, let's just get to
               Alex's.  Your bar's the only
               place that's going to cheer me.
               God, I'd kill for a damn
               cappuccino.  What the hell's a
               Nintendo?

                             ALEX
               Oh man, you still got a thing for
               those unmasculine European coffees?
               Who's your buddy?

     Alex pulls a styrofoam cup from a paper bag.

                             HAWK
               The man knows, the man knows!

     Hawk takes off the cap with a stimulating whiff.

                             ALEX
               So Mr. Coffee, what went down
               outside the prison?

                             HAWK
               Oh, not much.  Mario Brothers want
               me to do a job.

     Alex brakes and cappuccino flies.  Hawk half-heartedly
     tries to lick up with his fingers.

                             ALEX
               Those dago-guinea-I can say
               this shit I'm Italian-wop
               motherfu--

                             HAWK
               Ah, had the perfect amount of
               foam.  Just get me to the bar...
               It's the one good thing in my
               life that'll never change....

     EXT. OUTSIDE ALEX'S BAR--NIGHT

     The Guys move through the personably Jersey face of the
     bar.  The Empire State Building beams in the background.
     Sinatra cuts off.

     INT. ALEX'S BAR--NIGHT

     It's changed.  Hawk and Alex enter into what has become
     the ultimate pseudo-art deco-fern littered-nightmare,
     packed with noisy, INSUFFERABLY SELF-ABSORBED YUPS.
     A violently erotic and pretentious video plays upon
     elevated T.V. sets set up all around the place.

     Hawk's mouth gapes as he drifts by a sickening COUPLE
     toasting wine coolers, and two very YOUNG BROKERS high-
     fiving each other after missing a dartboard.

                             ALEX
               I didn't know how to tell you.  A
               couple brokers stopped in for
               Stoley Spritzers one night.  Next
               thing I know Fast Track Digest
               votes us "Watering Hole of the
               Month."  Now, I'm shopping for
               Aqua Salmon wallpaper.

                             HAWK
               I read about these people in
               Newsweek.  Where's all the
               regulars, Crazy Jeff Cava, the
               Todd sisters, Indian Joe?  Where's
               Ed Kranepool's autograph?  Captain
               Bob's steering wheel?

                             ALEX
               Hey, get this irritable guy a
               cappuccino.  I gotta go be a boss.

     Alex lifts a piece of the bar and moves behind it.
     Snatching up a menu, Hawk calls out...

                             HAWK
               This is Pizza?  Reindeer Goat
               cheese?  I admit, I've been known
               to go wild and order a Canadian
               Bacon in my time, but..

     Hawk lights up a cigarette.  A TORTOISE SHELL NON-SMOKER
     immediately turns to him wearing a "Yes, I mind if you
     smoke" button.