HUDSON HAWK

                             KAPLAN
               I call them the MTV.I.A.  Punks
               think Bay of Pigs is an herbal tea.
               They think the Cold War involves
               penguins and...

                             HAWK
               Don't I know you...

                             KAPLAN
               You just might.  I'm the guy who
               tricked you into robbing a
               government installation and then
               had you sent to prison for it.  At
               the time, I was bald with a beard,
               no moustache, and I had a different
               nose, so if you don't recognize me,
               I won't be offended.

                             HAWK
               Bastard, you're going to need
               another nose!

     Hawk explodes upward.  Everyone but cool Kaplan draws a
     gun.

                             HAWK
               But I'm not the type of guy to
               hold a grudge.

                             KAPLAN
               I used you as a diversion.  while
               you were getting captured upstairs,
               I was shredding documents in the
               basement.  Deep down, I guess I
               was just jealous.  You were one
               incredible thief...

                             HAWK
               To what do I owe the dishonor of a
               reunion, you centrally intelligent
               scumsicle.

     As Kaplan converses, Snickers and Butterfinger bring out
     a mammoth empty suitcase and open it behind Hawk.

                             KAPLAN
               I Want to make things up to you.
               That's why I got you this gig,
               doll.  Hawk, my name's George
               Kaplan and to quote the late,
               great Karen Carpenter, "We've only
               just begun."

                             HAWK
               Three minutes, twenty-three
               seconds.  If you think I'm doing
               another...

                             KAPLAN
               Hush.  My employer wants a meeting.

                             HAWK
               Employer?  The president?

                             KAPLAN
               No, somebody powerful.  Oh.  Look.
               what's that up there?

                             HAWK
               I'm supposed to fall for that?

                             KAPLAN
               Shucks.  Guess not.

     Kaplan savagely point-blank punches Hawk in the face,
     knocking him out cold and into the mammoth suitcase.
     Snickers slams it shut revealing a KENNEDY INTERNATIONAL
     sticker.

     INT. MYSTERIOUS BARE ROOM--DAY

     Hawk slowly awakens on an exotic couch.  He has been put
     in an aggressively fashionable Italian outfit.  He eyes
     and touches his new duds with complete bafflement.  He
     then stumbles into a standing position to, mouth gaping,
     take in a wondrous 360 degree view of Rome, Italy as "O
     Solo Mio" blares on the soundtrack.

                             HAWK
               No.  Way.

     Hawk's spinning view and the music on the soundtrack slam
     to a halt as he zeroes in on the sight of Scary Butler
     Alfred elegantly reaching the top of the staircase.

                             ALFRED
               Welcome to Rome, sir.

                             HAWK
               Yes way.

     EXT. OUTSIDE INTERESTING BUILDING--DAY

     Alfred opens the back door of an omnipotent, Mayflower-
     logoed LIMOUSINE.  The car moves off as Hawk slides in...

     INT. THE BACK SEAT OF THE MAX-TECH LIMOUSINE

     facing Darwin Mayflower who is blustering into the
     cellular.

     While he talks, Darwin shakes Hawk's bewildered hand,
     then holding up one finger in a "be with you in a sec"
     facial move.

                             DARWIN
               For those kind of wages, I could
               have built the factory in America!
               They're Vietnamese, can't we just
               give them more Bart Simpson shirts?
               I hear depressing news like this
               and I want to commit genocide!
                       (slamming phone)
               Alfred, hold my calls.  So, Hawk!
               The Hawkster!  What do you think
               of the vehicle?

                             HAWK
               You could host American Bandstand
               in here.  Why did you duck at the
               auction, asshole?

                             DARWIN
               Because I didn't want to get hurt,
               taterhead.

     A FAX MACHINE comes to life as Darwin babbles.

                             DARWIN
               What can I tell you, I'm the
               villain.  Initially it was a
               priority to keep a lot of buffers
               between you and me, but since most
               of them are dead now, I thought
               what the heck.  Hawk, you come
               highly recommended.  I would have
               done some things differently at
               the auction house, but hey, I want
               to be in business with you.

     Darwin scans the Fax message with annoyance, and then
     shoves it into a violent paper shredder.

     OUTSIDE THE LIMO SHREDDER

     Shredded paper litters out of a vent on the outside door.

     INSIDE THE LIMOUSINE

     A simmering Hawk tries to explode but the phone rings.

                             HAWK
               My life is not some deal.  I...

                             ALFRED (O.S.)
               It's Boston, Mr. Mayflower.

                             DARWIN
               I'm sorry, I have to take this.
               Those are valid points though...

     Darwin picks up the phone and goes Mr. Hyde, while giving
     Hawk "Can you believe this guy"-type gestures.

                             DARWIN
               You better have a good excuse...
               You better have a better excuse!
               You are so weak!  I'm only
               thankful your ancestors didn't
               settle America or else my name
               would be Running Brave or Vomiting
               Antelope...Really.  Well, listen
               close, babe.

     Darwin holds the phone over a 50 cent piece-size siren in
     his armrest.  Darwin presses a button and a PIERCING
     NOISE fills the car as it comes to a stop.

                             DARWIN
               Shall we?

     Darwin bolts out.  Hawk hangs back, waiting for Rod
     Serling to explain things, then bolts out too.

     EXT. E.U.R. DISTRICT BUILDING--DAY

     Hawk and Darwin head up the steps of an overpowering
     fascistly marble superstructure.  Alfred brings up the
     rear.

                             DARWIN
               So Hawkasaurus, I won't mince
               words...

                             HAWK
               Whatever.  You own Boardwalk, you
               own Park Place, you own the four
               railroads.  You think you're God.
               For all I know, you're probably
               right.  I just wanted to have a
               damn cappuccino, maybe play some
               Nintendo after I find out what it
               is.  Man, why didn't you just buy
               the horse?  What am I saying, you
               did buy it...

                             DARWIN
               Oh... Let's see.  There are
               organizations that think we wanted
               the "Sforza" for reasons other
               than putting it in the Da Vinci
               museum we're building in Vinci.
               Hopefully, these organizations
               think our plan has been ruined
               with the explosion of our replica.
               If I seem vague, grand.  We want a
               low profile on this, that's why I
               got Kaplan and the Candy bars
               involved.  I helped George help
               the Mario Brothers and Gates help
               get you out....

                             HAWK
               If you're pausing for a "thank you,"
               give it up.  So boss, you going to
               tell me what the crystal piece
               inside the pony means?

                             DARWIN
               Way to go, Alfie!  How many people
               did you break that thing in front
               of.   Good help's hard to find.

                             HAWK
               I guess that's a no.

     INT. MASSIVE CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY

     A mind-blowingly pretentious painting of Darwin, Minerva,
     and Bunny hangs above a mammoth M-shaped conference table.

     Lying atop the table in heels, shades, and a heart-
     stopping dark outfit is Minerva.  NASTY Metal riffs semi-
     audibly spew from a headset she wears.

     Surrounding the table is a VARIED GROUP OF OLD MONEY AND
     NEW MONEY BOARD MEMBERS ranging from a nine year old
     INDIAN PRINCE to a SWEET ELDERLY AMERICAN WOMAN.  They
     converse to the person at their side in businesslike
     tones, oblivious to Minerva.

                             DARWIN
               Ladies and gentlemen of the board...

     The board members go into tableau silence.  Minerva con-
     tinues a brief sing-a-long before Darwin scolds...

                             DARWIN
               And Min-er-va.  Let's give it up
               for Hudson Hawk.

     The board applauds as Alfred pushes Hawk inside.

                             MINERVA
               Hello......Bunny, Ball-Ball!

     Minerva lobs a ball in the air.  Bunny, the annoying dog,
     scurries beside Hawk to catch it.

     Moving down toward the other end of the table, Hawk takes
     in the surreal surroundings with battle fatigue.  He sees
     ONE BOARD MEMBER take a luxurious sip of cappuccino.
     Minerva paces up upon the table.

                             DARWIN
               Hawkmeister, we got you clothes,
               great hotel, and a 250,000 lira
               per diem.

                             MINERVA
               That's two hundred dollars a day?
               So he can get a hooker and some
               tequila.  Veto, Darwin.

                             HAWK
               Guess I know who wears the penis
               in this family.

                             MINERVA
                       (jumping off table)
               For God's sake, chain this
               convict.

     With a yawn, Alfred pulls out a pair of state-of-the-art
     handcuffs.

                             HAWK
               Alfred, you're a very polite
               psychopath, but if you...

     Hawk kicks out at Alfred, who nimbly moves slightly and
     gives a pummel to Hawk's body somersaulting him over the
     edge of the table, into an empty seat.

     The Board Members politely applaud.  Alfred pulls Hawk's
     hands around his back and cuffs him.  Bunny intensely
     sniffs his crotch.

                             MINERVA
               We want Da Vinci's sketchbook,
               what do they call it, the Codex.

                             DARWIN
               Listen Hawk, this might be hard to
               believe, but I'm a regular joe.  I
               just want to be happy and happiness
               comes from the achieving of goals.
               It's just when you make your first
               billion by the age of 19, it's
               hard to keep coming up with new
               ones.  But now finally I got my
               new goal.  World domination.  With
               your help...Bunny....quit that!

                             MINERVA
               Bunny, ball-ball!  Bad bunny!

                             HAWK
               Think he's already got today's
               ball-balls.  Five more minutes
               please, it's been so long...

     Minerva yanks away the yelping dog.

                             HAWK
               Anybody have a cigarette?  But
               seriously, do me a favor and
               Concorde me back to prison.  I
               don't care anymore.  I hope you
               have the receipts for the threads.

                             MINERVA
               You go back, you won't be alone.
               You'll have a diabetic barkeep
               cellmate.  You're still young
               enough to have fun shanking child
               molesters for a pack of smokes,
               but "Alex" will go in knowing that
               the next time he gets out it'll be
               to attend his own funeral.
               Depressing.

                             HAWK
               You wouldn't risk the dime to call
               the police.  You have no proof.

                             DARWIN
               Ah, the magic word...

     Alfred plants a slide machine on the table and Darwin
     starts clicking gorgeous images of Hawk and Alex robbing
     the auction house, on a bare wall.

     The Board members gush.  The Elderly Woman gives a
     thumbs-up.

                             DARWIN
               It's veja du, Hawkhead.  Something
               you wish never happened.  We shot
               the entire operation with hidden
               cameras behind the hidden cameras.
               Hired the guy who did the last
               Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.
               Excellent work... whoops, damn
               Fotomat assholes...

     A slide hits the wall of himself and Minerva kneeling in
     Big Baby clothes with Alfred snarling over them, decked
     out in leather.  He clicks ahead...

     Hawk looks away and sees that the Board members have an
     annual Report-type booklet in front of them that reads--
     THE DA VINCI/ALCHEMY PROJECT.

     Minerva leans over in front of him.

                             MINERVA
               Tomorrow, you're going to hit a
               church.

                                               CUT TO:

     EXT. A MASSIVE WIDE SHOT OF ST. PETER'S--DAY

     The Vatican stands in its glory, mobbed by HUNDREDS OF
     LOCALS AND SIGHTSEERS.  The viewer's viewpoint zeroes in
     on the Mayflower limousine circling around it.

     INT. THE LIMOUSINE

     Hawk looks out from the back seat of the limousine
     in stylish Italian sunglasses.

                             HAWK
               I'm robbing the Vatican.  The nuns
               at St. Agnes predicted that I'd end
               up doing this...

     Two identical Twin Flunkies sit across from him, grinning
     stupidly.  Hawk pushes up his sunglasses with his middle
     finger.

     INT. VATICANESQUE MAP ROOM

     Mentally casing the joint, Hawk gets some distance
     between him and the flunkies as he enters into a room
     that has a glorious, ancient Map of the World Mural.

     INT. ANOTHER VATICAN ROOM

     Hawk makes a scribble in a notepad before coming to a
     Vatican guard, standing before a painting of a Pope
     performing a Coronation.

                             HAWK
                       (half-hearted)
               Excuse me, I'm being blackmailed
               into robbing the Vatican by a
               psychotic American corporation
               along with a CIA...

                             VATICAN GUARD
               "You're being".....uh, I don't,
               uh...

     A jaded Hawk laughs and pats the cop on the back.

                             HAWK
               Forget it, man.  Go tackle a
               jaywalker.

     INT./EXT. CIRCULAR OPEN AIR HALLWAY

     Hawk comes out onto a circular open-air hallway.  He
     scans up to some rooftops and makes a note...until he
     sees a line of International Phone Boothettes.  Checking
     for Flunkies, he rips one up.