英语剧本《食品》

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARDROOM - DAY



A very grand room, with lots of wood and some very famous portraits 

round the walls.



A group of grave gentlemen and gentlewomen.  They are the trustees of 

the National Gallery.  LORD WALTON, a very grand man, sits at the table 

head.  To his right sits his assistant, GARETH.  All are deep in 

thought.  LORD WALTON fidgets with a pencil on the table.  He raises 

his head as though about to speak.  Everyone looks up expectantly.  

And... LORD WALTON goes back to fidgeting.  So does everyone else.



CUT TO:



CREDIT.  POLYGRAM & WORKING TITLE PRESENT.

CUT TO:



INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARD ROOM - DAY



The scene is as silent and static as we left it Last... then:



GARETH

I suppose we could just sack him.

CUT TO:



EXT.  MR BEAN'S STREET.  DAY



Mr BEAN comes out of his house, ready to face the world-



He walks up the street, tutting slightly at a 'NO PARKING' sign he 

passes.  The street is totally car-free except for a very visible lime 

green mini.  A policeman strolls by and glances down at a pair of legs 

sticking out from under it, next to a toolbox.  He moves on, satisfied 

that someone is mending their car.



BEAN approaches the car and whips out the fake legs he left there.  He 

then unlocks the big padlock that secures the car door, pops the fake 

legs inside, fiddles with something else in the back seat, and drives 

away at a frightening speed with a smug look on his face.



The Theme Music - big and dramatic - begins, as do the rest of the 

credits.



BEAN gaily motors on - then unexpectedly the sweeping theme tune jumps, 

as if it has hit a scratch: the cinema audience should be worried 

there's a sound fault.



BEAN comes to a street full of sleeping policemen ~ he goes at them at 

quite a lick - and every time he shoots over one of the bumps, the 

theme tune jumps violently.



BEAN looks a little annoyed into the back seat - we now see the cause 

of the problem.  Instead of having a car radio, BEAN has an old record 

player strapped into the back seat, playing the theme tune.



On he drives, through empty streets - then JOLT - he's reached the 

glorious familiarity of Central London, Big Ben and all - but heels now 

in dreadful traffic.



Heels not happy.  He looks to the left and sees a very thin alleyway.  

He takes out a metal comb from his pocket and, using it like a bomber's 

sight-line-checker, measures the front of his car and the width of the 

alley.  He 'S satisfied - does a 90-degree turn - and shoots down the 

alley.  It is such a perfect fit that sparks fly from the door handles 

as they graze the walls.



But at the end of the alley, the traffic's just as bad.  BEAN notices 

he's outside Harrods.  There's a tail-coated Security Guard at the 

'front door.  BEAN watches him stroll a bit down the street - and takes 

his chance.  He turns and drives straight through the double doors, 

into the store.



2





INT.  HARRODS.  DAY.



BEAN and his car whizz through the ground floor, past perfume counters 

and leather glove racks.



CUT TO a Security Guard.  As he passes one of the counters, BEAN's 

little car just shoots behind him.  The Guard continues through the 

Children's section there are giant elephants and teddies, children's 

size cars, then two huge plastic tractors - and then, stock still, 

strangely in harmony actually, the Lime Green Mini with BEAN in it.  

The Guard walks straight past.



The moment he is gone, BEAN shoots off again - but, damn!, spies 

another Guard and is forced to turn and drive down some very steep 

stairs indeed.  The theme song goes CRAZY as the record player jumps.



CUT TO:



6 people waiting at a gilded lift.  They hear a strange sound, and turn 

to see what it is.  In fact, it's coming from inside the lift.  When 

the lift doors open, out shoots the Mini through the double doors and 

back into the street.



3





EXT.  KNIGHTSBRIDGE.  DAY.



Out in the street, BEAN is faced by an accident.  There are flashing 

lights, a crumpled car, suggestions of hurt passengers.  BEAN looks 

concerned.



CUT TO:

EXT.  THE STRAND.  DAY.



An Ambulance roars through the traffic.  It reaches its hospital, turns 

off, and there, right smack behind it is the Mini.  Cut in to see BEAN, 

smiling broadly.  He whizzes into Trafalgar Square, maybe even across 

it, sending pigeons and tourists flying, and parks directly outside the 

statuesque National Gallery.  Of course, there's not another car there.  

Just the Gallery and the mini.



CUT TO:



EXT.  NATIONAL GALLERY - DAY



BEAN gets out of the car, takes out his bag - thinks a little, opens it 

and takes out a "Doctor on Call' sign.  To re-enforce it, he puts a 

bone in the back window and a skull of the front seat.  Happy with the 

arrangement, he re-locks the padlock and sets off smiling up the big, 

stairs to work.



As he does so, pan up the building, and into the window of the room 

where that Board meeting was taking place.



CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARDROOM - DAY



GARETH

Look, I don't hate the man but ...



LORD WALTON

I know, Gareth.  It's the mental strain he inflicts on us all.  How is 

Professor Bradbury



A grand gentleman, MR MORRISON, pipes up.



I'm MORRISON

Heels got the feeling back in his fingers - but his hands are still 

stapled together.



LORD WALTON

Mmmm, and how far are we with the computer, Hubert?





4





HUBERT

Timothy is loading the final catalogue data as we speak, Milord.  An 

awful thing to say, but when the program's up and running our, Mr. Bean 

will become a little less than .... useful?



A glimmer of hope.







INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  PORTRAIT SECTION - DAY



BEAN wanders past three or four portraits and mimics the characters in 

them.  He passes a guard.



GUARD

(not looking up from his book)

Morning, Bean.



The GUARD sighs with boredom.  He gets this from BEAN every day.  As 

Bean moves on, he treads on the heel of a tourist's shoe.  It comes 

off- BEAN moves on blithely.



CUT TO:



INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  CARTOON ROOM ENTRANCE - DAY



BEAN is passing the very special room where Leonardo Da Vinci's 

cartoon, 'The Virgin and Child', hangs, preserved by a very dim 

artificial light.  There are silhouettes of a few tourists in the room 

reverently studying the work, listening to a female GALLERY GUIDE.



BEAN dips into his pocket for his identity badge and in so doing brings 

out a coin.  The coin drops and rolls into the special room.  BEAN 

follows it into the darkness.



GALLERY GUIDE

(hushed)

... by Leonardo Da Vinci.  As you can see, the special light in here 

goes some way to protect the drawing from photodisintegration caused by 

gamma ...



The camera stays outside the room with the picture in view.  We hear 

the squeak of a tiny door open, then a click.  The room is suddenly 

flooded in blazing white light.  The onlookers gasp in horror.



5



BEAN re-emerges from the room with his precious coin.  As an 

afterthought he pops his hand round the doorway and turns off the 

light.  He scuttles away.  The GALLERY GUIDE shakes her head in total 

exasperation.

CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARDROOM - DAY



GARETH

Maybe it would be simpler to pack all our paintings onto trucks and 

move the entire National Gallery somewhere else.  And not tell him.



HUBERT

Seconded.  We could all move to France.



GEORGE

All those in favour.



They all raise their hands wildly.



LORD WALTON

Come on - settle down everyone.

CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  ELEVATOR - DAY



BEAN stands in the elevator silently with four other people.  He gives 

himself a long squirt of breathfreshener.  Then offers it to the 

others, who politely refuse him.  So he stands still again.  Pause.  

BEAN then smells something unpleasant.  He leans and has a little sniff 

of the person to his left.  All right there.  Then he sniffs to his 

right, and reels at what he smells.  He again takes out the breath 

freshener, and forces it upon VINCENT, an elderly gentleman, who is 

mortified.



At this moment the elevator stops - BEAN and VINCENT get out and the 

camera follows VINCENT as he heads for the boardroom door and enters.  

He is another trustee.  This dialogue is heard from behind the closed 

door.



VINCENT

I'm sorry I'm late.



GARETH



Why can't we just give him the boot for crying out loud?!



6



VINCENT

Steady on, old man. I only ...



GARETH

Not you, you idiot.



CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  CORRIDOR - DAY



BEAN, with cup of tea, walks along a corridor.  He can't not interfere 

for tidiness sake.  One empty room he switches off the light.  Another 

he shuts the door.



He passes a computer room, with an open door where a big man is busily 

typing in a programme - BEAN looks at him snootily and heads on.



He approaches the door to his office.  A sign reads: 'STORAGE & 

CATALOGUE'.  There is a huge padlock on the door.  BEAN takes out a big 

key and enters his domain.



CUT TO:



INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  STORAGE OFFICE - DAY.



BEAN enters.  He's been here for years and made it his own.  It's an 

odd little world.  There's a framed picture of Shirley Bassey on his 

desk and Airfix planes hang from the ceiling.  Also a large cosy 

armchair and a T.V.



A pleasant Man in a suit, around 40, breezes in.



SUIT MAN

Ah Bean, I'm looking for a painting by Van Hocht.  Still Life.  Circa 

1670.  Can do?



BEAN nods.  This is what BEAN likes to do best.  The camera follows as 

he turns sees the extraordinary sight behind him...



His office is just a tiny corner of a massive storage room, hundreds of 

feet high and long, the walls completely full of rack after rack of 

stored paintings.  At the end of the room, we can see hundreds of 

sculptures: busts, modern abstracts, men on horses, classical maidens, 

Rodins, the lot.  It's like the giant storehouse at the end of 'Raiders 

of the Lost Ark.



7



BEAN sets off into it in his own eccentric way.  He knows exactly where 

heels going.  He climbs a ladder, like you find in a library - then 

pushes himself off, and whizzes the entire length of the room on 

slippery wooden runners.



He has now reached the sculpture area, but the painting heels looking 

for is on the other side.  He crosses the room by using the sculptures 

as a kind of artistic obstacle course.  In front of him is the Burghers 

of Calais, a Rodin statue of 5 prisoners in chains.  He simply walks 

across their 5 heads, like stones in a stream.



He then comes to an abstract modern piece, which he uses as a slide and 

at the end of which, he crawls through the hole in the next modern 

thing.  He then begins to climb up various famous ancient statues, 

using the mouths as footholes, breasts as support, codpieces as steps 

and empty eyes as finger holes.



After a problem getting his. foot caught in the jaw of a sculptured 

dog, he walks flat along a modern sculpture, then uses a sequence of 

classic sculptures as stairs - on the head of a little Degas ballerina, 

one step on to the bottom of a horse, two steps onto the head of the 

person riding the horse, three steps and now he's on the other side of 

the hall.



He then triumphantly pulls out a painting.  It's the one!,



SUIT MAN

What would we do without you!  The entire inventory of British Art 

stored in that one, curious brain of yours.



BEAN beams.







INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARDROOM - DAY



GARETH

Then we are agreed, gentlemen.  He goes.



VINCENT

Only if we're positive that the new catalogue database will render Mr. 

Bean's hitherto 'talents' obsolete.



HUBERT

There's no question.



8





LORD WALTON

Very well.  Mr Bean is.... art history.  We can all stop taking the 

pills.



A reserved smatter of laughter, from relief more than anything.  LORD 

W. talks into an intercom on the table.



LORD WALTON

Miss Hutchinson, would you send Mr. Bean up to the boardroom, please.



MISS HUTCHINSON

(V/O )



Yes sir. oh, and Lord Walton, the Grierson Gallery called again.



LORD WALTON

Thank you. (To the room) One final thing.  Once again we have been 

invited by the Grierson Gallery of Southern California to second one of 

our staff for a short visit.  The Grierson has a fairly modest 

collection - but it does include the most famous American painting of 

all, 'Whistler's Mother'.  Any thoughts?



Cut to the trustees - they shake their heads and wrinkle, their noses, 

not very interested.  A 106 year old SIR RUPERT puts up his hand.



LORD WALTON

Yes.  Sir Rupert.  And may I say sir, how honoured we are that you 

still grace us with all your time, wisdom, and infinite knowledge.  

Your invaluable thoughts, sir?



SIR RUPERT

Could you speak up please.  I didn't catch the question.



CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  STORAGE OFFICE - DAY



Back in his office area BEAN ceremoniously hands SUIT MAN the Van Hocht 

painting.  He's very proud of himself.



SUIT MAN

Thank you, Bean.  You're a genius.



9



BEAN laughs - delighted.  SUIT MAN exits and MISS HUTCHINSON enters, 

warily.



MISS HUTCHINSON

Mr. Bean.  Lord Walton would like to see you in the boardroom.



BEAN gives a little pleasured squeak.  How exciting for him.  He 

follows MISS HUTCHINSON out into the corridor.



CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  CORRIDOR.  DAY



BEAN walks along the same corridor as before.  Turns off another light.  

Then comes to the room where he saw the Programmer.  The computer, 

showing a Van Gogh portrait, is on and no-one's there.  BEAN, who hates 

wasted electricity, goes in to switch it off.



We see the Van Gogh change to a pictorial representation of the Storage 

room - with an arrow pointing to where the Van Gogh is located.  BEAN 

is clearly going to be replaced by this programme.  Or not ... BEAN 

searches for the plug, but it's under acres of desk - so he simply 

pulls a cable out of the back the computer.  The entire system clicks 

off.  At which moment the Programmer comes back in.



PROGRAMMER

What's happening here?



BEAN

Ahm...



With a slightly guilty smile he picks up the cable again looks with 

puzzlement at the five available places to plug it in and just takes a 

random guess.  And a disastrous one.  There is a ugly electrical 

fizzle.  The screens come on white, then pop out completely.



BEAN

Ah.... Ahm....



BEAN realises that he has done something wrong and quickly shoves the 

cable into another circuit.  The Van Gogh appears happily on the 

screen.  BEAN and PROGRAMMER both give out a sigh of relief.  BEAN 

smiles and leaves quickly.  But a second later the computer screen 

disintegrates and the Van Gogh slides down the screen like a water-

colour in the rain.  The PROG difficult to breathe.



10



CUT TO:

INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  BOARDROOM - DAY



LORD WALTON

You have your voting slips, gentlemen.  Please remember the Americans 

are looking for something quite high powered.  A doctorate 

preferably...



There is a knock at the door.  BEAN enters.  LORD WALTON smiles.  The 

rest of the faces in the room are looking dangerously close to smug.  

BEAN is very nervous indeed.



LORD WALTON

(gravely)

Ah, Mr. Bean.  Please take a seat for a moment.  I have some news which 

will not, I'm afraid...



The phone rings.  LORD WALTON answers.  BEAN sits next to VINCENT and 

sniffs at him.  VINCENT's breath hasn't improved.



LORD WALTON

(into phone)

Yes?  Put him on... Timothy.  The computer ... Yes... When?  How?  All 

of it? Absolutely all of it?  Did you back it up?  How long will it ... 

?  Another six months.  Fair enough.  Come up here will you, dear boy.



He slowly hangs up.  Everyone has got the gist of what has just 

occurred with the new computer- The energy drains from them all as they 

contemplate another six months with BEAN still on the staff.  LORD 

WALTON coughs politely.



LORD WALTON

As I was saying, gentlemen.  The Grierson Gallery. South California.  

Great opportunity.  Thousands-of miles-away though it is.  Doctorate or 

( IMPISHLY ) no doctorate, perhaps



All get the message at the same moment and hurriedly scribble on their 

voting slips.  The slips get handed down the line to LORD WALTON.  We 

see that every single slip has 'BEAN' on it.



LORD WALTON

Mr. Bean.  Wonderful news.  You are going to America.



MR. BEAN

(overwhelmed)

Ooooh, how lovely.



There is a knock at the door.  The fat, bespectacled,

PROGRAMMER puts his head round it.



LORD WALTON

(beaming) 

Ah, Timothy.  You're sacked.



CUT TO:





INT.  NATIONAL GALLERY.  CORRIDOR - DAY



BEAN rounds a corner and walks towards us, imitating a bowlegged 

cowboy.  The Theme from Bonanza plays.  He whips out his pair of 

imaginary six shooters, spins them on his fingers and returns them to-

their imaginary holsters, making gun sound effects.  He's very happy.-

He passes the Security Guard - he draws his gun on him - zero reaction 

the Guard just raises his eyebrows and yawns.



BEAN heads on through the gallery merrily - but suddenly, his good mood 

is broken, when he notices 3 schoolgirls entering a new exhibition, 

called The Ultra-Human Form.  This worries him - and we soon see why - 

BEAN heads in to the room where all the paintings are very graphic 

nudes, and the 3 girls are having a good giggle.



BEAN quickly rushes over and with his hand covers the breasts of the 

painting they're inspecting.



Two girls then move on to the next painting - which unfortunately also 

has breasts.  BEAN stretches and just manages to cover them with his 

other hand.



Now the third girl heads on, so BEAN can drop the hand on the first 

painting - but now has to try to cover the breasts on the third 

painting, which is a real long stretch away.  He can't quite make it, 

so he takes off his shoes, which gives him the extra 3 inches.  Again, 

safe.  Just.



Now, all three girls leave the paintings - but, to BEAN's chagrin, head 

over to a classical nude sculpture in the middle of the room.  It's 

like the 3 Graces, 3 naked women back to back.  BEAN thinks fast.  He 

quickly whips off his



12



Belt and rushes over to the statue, where he succeeds in looping it 

round to cover all six nipples.



Unfortunately the girls have already lost interest and head over to the 

other side of the gallery.  To BEAN's horror.  Because at that moment 

we reveal what is on the other side of the room.  A epic painting in 

the style of the others - with literally 40 graphically naked people.



BEAN sprints across the room, stands on a chair, and desperately tries 

to cover a particularly lurid example of a gentleman's manhood.



At which moment the teacher of the party and 40 other schoolgirls 

appear and scream in chorus.  BEAN thinks that it is the painting that 

has caused offence and is in outraged agreement with them.  He turns.  

Cut wide to reveal that they are screaming because he's beltless

trousers have fallen down.

CUT TO:



EXT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  AMERICA - DAY.



8.30 am California time.  A modern building with plenty of glass.  

Large, modern sculptures are spotted around its grounds, including a 

dramatic one of two huge old cars, head down in the ground, backs 

protruding into the air.



THOMAS GRIERSON, owner of the gallery, wearing a slick expensive suit, 

walks with DAVE LEARY and BERNIE, both in casual jackets and ties.  

GRIERSON is a vain, slightly pedantic and pompous man - maybe short - 

always just trying to show he's Boss.  The three are strolling towards 

the main entrance.  Huge sign: 'THE GRIERSON GALLERY' with a silhouette 

of Whistler's Mother taken from the painting, as an incorporated logo.



GRIERSON

Lord Walton assures me this guy's one of the very top scholars in the 

English art world.  Has a couple of doctorates no less.



BERNIE

Great news.



BERNIE is smooth and smiley.  DAVID LEARY, Vice President, is a very 

pleasant, but slightly worried man, knocking on 40. Too nice for his 

own good.  The three pass a lone MIME ARTIST wearing a cheap vac-form 

PRESIDENT CLINTON face mask.  David can't help being just a little nice 

to him and finds himself left behind.  He scampers to catch up.



9

First, catching under the handle - then the couch, then



Four other chairs - and finally the deep freeze.  No-one's going to get 

in through that door.



BACK IN THE HALL BEAN pushes the string back inside the letter box and 

slaps his hand in satisfaction.  He locks the door's enormous padlock, 

looks about carefully to make sure no one's around, and then hides the 

key under a garden gnome on the floor, standing amongst a row of 

pathetic pot plants.



MIX THROUGH TO:

INT.  AIRPORT.  RECEPTION DESK.  NIGHT



The lady checking in BEAN looks puzzled as she holds his passport.  So 

he pulls the shockingly stupid face. 0h yes, she sees, that's the guy 

in the picture.  She hands him his ticket.



CHECK-IN LADY

Here we go, sir.  You've been moved to l st. class.  Apparently your 

friends at the Gallery were so delighted that you're finally on your 

way.



BEAN is very touched.



CUT TO:



INT.  AIRPORT LOUNGE - NIGHT



BEAN enters the first class lounge.  It's fairly empty, but BEAN still 

squeezes himself between an old lady drinking a cup of tea, and a very 

grand looking American military man in a business suit.



The Grand Man lights up a cigar.  This doesn't please Mr "No Smoking 

BEAN.  First, he waves the smoke away, in small, then big, then huge 

wafting motions.  Then he tries, miming, to cut it up into segments and 

move them aside.  The man pays no attention at all.



BEAN puts a plastic mug over his face, like a gas mask and breathes 

heavily.  The man looks at him - but doesn't give a damn



BEAN now takes a paper bag - catches some of the smoke, and take it 

over and empties it into the dust bin.



The Grand Man goes on smoking stubbornly.  He then sees a magazine rack 

and leaves his cigar as he goes to get one.



13



DAVID



Sounds like a real coup, sir... getting this Doctor of ...





GRIERSON

Various things.  Thank you.  However, as you know, this is not an 

inexpensive venture, and, financially speaking, we're in very serious 

crap right now.



He can't quite hide his tackiness.) DAVID holds the door for GRIERSON - 

then sees an old woman coming towards him.  He waits for her to go 

through, and due to his sweetness, is again left behind.  He rushes to 

catch up.



They are now passing the reception counter cum gallery shop.  DAVID 

exchanges smiles with the cashier, ANNIE.  Very bubbly, not very 

bright.  The shop is full of Whistler's Mother memorabilia - posters, 

cards, porcelain statuettes.



GRIERSON

So ... I'm wondering if one of you would have this guy stay in your 

home instead of some expensive hotel.



BERNIE

Love to, sir, but no can do.  No spare room.  Period.



GRIERSON

David?



DAVID

Oh, look, I mean, it's kind of the last thing... I mean, I'd really 

like to, but... things at home are kind of sensitive, so I couldn't 

really er ...



GRIERSON

I thought perhaps as Vice-President, and in view of the unfortunate 

attendance's for the summer show this year... the MASSIVE financial 

LOSS ...



DAVID

on the other hand ... maybe a breath of fresh air is just what my 

family needs ... Yes.  Great news.  Fabulous.  Triumphant.  Course it 

might need a little smoothing over.  When's he due?



GRIERSON hands DAVID a piece of paper.



GRIERSON

Tomorrow.  You have a problem with that?



PAUSE



DAVID

No. Perfect.  Looking forward to it.

CUT TO:





INT.  LONDON . PHOTO BOOTH.  DAY.



The camera faces Mr BEAN sitting in a Photo booth.  His face is totally 

impassive for 1, 2, then 3 flashes.  And then, just before the 4th 

flash, he pulls the biggest, maddest face you've ever seen.  Flash!  He 

gives a little



Satisfied giggle.



CUT TO:





EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE - DAY



7 p.m. California time.  A pleasant suburban house.  DAVID's car pulls 

into the drive.  JENNIFER, his slightly Gothic 16 year old daughter, is 

kissing BRAD, her scruffy boyfriend.  He sits astride a motor scooter.  

He has a bum-fluff moustache.



DAVID gets out of his car and approaches them.                 





DAVID

Hi, Jennifer.  How was school? (she doesn't break the kiss with Brad) 

oh really?  That's good, great. Fantastic.  We'll talk some more.



The two continue kissing as DAVID moves on.  He's just about to head 

for the house when a swish convertible draws up at the curb.  DAVID's 

wife, ALISON, has been given a lift home by her young attractive boss, 

CHARLES.  They are laughing in the car as DAVID walks up.



15



He is slightly disturbed to see ALISON kiss CHARLES on the cheek before 

getting out with her port folio.  CHARLES smiles pleasantly on seeing 

DAVID.



CHARLES

Hello, David.



DAVID

Hi, Charles. (To Alison) Wow - late!



ALISON

(brightly)

I had to do some last minute stuff.



CHARLES

My fault.  We've got a heavy load on at present.  How about you, 

gallery going well?



DAVID

Ahm, well, you know ~ that's a tough question - on one' level I think 

it ....



ALISON

Don't ask him about work, Charlie. Life's too short.



Alison is the same age as DAVID, but seems to have lasted the course 

better - she's confident, in good shape.  The atmosphere is awkward.  

JENNIFER screams out.  Her 8 year old brother, KEVIN has sprung from 

the shrubbery and lassoed her and BRAD.  ALISON goes over to sort them 

out.



ALISON

Kevin!  You stop that right now!



CHARLES

Great kids.  Good looking too.



DAVID

You think so?  Well I 'spose they're pretty, you know... okay, looks-

wise.



CHARLES

Take after their mother, huh?



DAVID

Ah ... absolutely.



DAVID is not very happy here.



16



CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  KITCHEN - DAY



It is open plan and leads through into the lounge.  DAVID and ALISON 

enter.  ALISON puts her port folio on the table and leads DAVID onto a 

sofa.  She puts her arms round him.





ALISON

Let's take a break, David.  This weekend, why don't we just get into 

the car and drive to the coast.  Find a motel.  Like before the kids 

were born.  Go to a fairground.  Win me another Bambi.



She reaches across and picks up a little ceramic Bambi on a table next 

to the couch.



ALISON

Jennifer can stay and look after Kevin



DAVID

Sounds great.  Excellent.  Though-, Ahm... there's this guy who's 

coming to work at the Gallery, from England...



ALISON

(SUSPICIOUSLY)

Yeeees?



DAVID

And they asked me if we'd like to ... you know... put him up for a 

while.



ALISON

There aren't hotels?



DAVID

Yes, there are hotels.  They just thought maybe it'd be nice for him to 

stay with a real American family.  Popcorn, waffles, all that stuff.



ALISON

(POINTEDLY)

And what did you say?



DAVID

I said I'd check with you.



She looks at him piercingly.  This clearly happens a lot.  She knows 

when he's telling the truth.  Pause.



DAVID

Then I said 'yes'.



She puts Bambi carefully back on the table, gets up and moves to the 

kitchen.  DAVID follows.



ALISON

Do we know anything about him?



DAVID

Ahm - he's male.  He's English.  He's a doctor of er ... at least 2 

things.  I think they would have mentioned if he was a blind dwarf.  Or 

one of those guys who kills lots of people all the time.  I think we're 

looking at someone moderately normal here.



ALISON

David - are you ever going to learn to say 'no'?



DAVID

Yes.  Yes. (pause) Sometime.



She shakes her head.



ALISON

It's the last thing we need.



DAVID

That's exactly what I said ... before I said - Great, it's a 

sensational idea."



He knows he's made a mess here.  Enter KEVIN, their smart young son, 

strolling through.



KEVIN

Hiya Dad ~ I'll need you upstairs for homework in about .... (checks 

watch) oh, 20 minutes.



DAVID

Great, good.



And KEVIN exits.



18



DAVID

Didn't kids do their own homework, like way back?  Years ago?  No. 

Course not.  Just imagining it.



ALISON isn't really listening.  Much tension.



CUT TO:



EXT.  MR.  BEAN'S BED-SIT - NIGHT



9.30 p.m. U.K. time.  A black London taxi is parked outside a terraced 

house with its motor idling.  Its driver looks fed up waiting.  BEAN 

appears at a downstairs window, motioning to his watch that he will not 

be long.



CUT TO:



INT.  MR.  BEAN'S BED-SIT - DAY



MR. BEAN is ready to leave his room.  Battered old



suitcase in hand, he checks the room from the doorway.



Every conceivable thing that can be opened - cupboards,



drawers, fridge -sports an oversized padlock.  Even



Bean's old G.P.O. phone has one on its dial.



BEAN looks across to his TEDDY, who is lounging on a miniature chair, 

inside an up-sided cardboard box.  The box is sits on an armchair.  A 

hand-written sign, taped to its roof reads: 'TEDDY HOTEL' followed by 

three stars. 

19



A smaller sign informs us that the hotel is: 'FULL'.  BEAN is just 

about to leave but stops to consider.  Taking a felt tipped pen, he 

adds two more stars on the hotel hoarding, as a treat.



He then, slightly, incomprehensibly, begins to tie string it around 

various objects in the flat.  The fridge - the corner of a chair, a 

couch leg.



CUT TO:



INT.  MR.  BEAN'S RESIDENCE'S HALLWAY ~ DAY



BEAN leaves his flat. lee notice a large official sign stuck on the 

door saying 'NO SMOKING".  He now turns his attention to the pieces of 

string hanging out the letter box in his door.  Grabbing the bunch of 

them, he pulls.



CUT TO back inside the flat. we now understand the string - as all the 

furniture starts to move across the flat.  It works incredibly neatly 

the chair reaches the door



20



BEAN acts fast.  He takes the cigar - and quickly dunks it in the old 

woman's cup of tea.



He sits there, guiltlessly, as the Grand Man returns.  Simultaneously, 

the man tries to suck the wet cigar, and the Old woman drinks the 

disgusting tea.  A horrid experience for both.



CUT TO:





INT.  AEROPLANE - DAY.



Boarding time.  BEAN enters the plane and turns right, into the body of 

the plane.  After walking right down the plane, he is directed by a 

hostess back up to first.  As he walks back, we notice the' ridiculous 

contrast, from totally cramped accommodation with hundreds of children 

and muzak, to the elegance, and space of First class.



BEAN couldn't be more thrilled.  There follows a sequence of short 

moments from this nightmare flight.



1/ The Old Tea-Drinking Lady is being helped with her ,luggage.  A 

hostess slides it into the compartment above her head.



OLD LADY

Be careful.  It's for my Grand-daughter.



The next instant BEAN comes up with his case.  He opens the same 

locker, and tries to fit his case in.  Doesn't quite go - so he pushes 

it violently.  We hear crunching cracking sounds.  Finally, it's almost 

there - BEAN slams the locker door.  One final definitive, though 

muffled, smash.  The OLD LADY looks at BEAN suspiciously.



2/ BEAN sits down - and who should be his next door neighbour?  The 

Grand Man, whose name is REYNOLDS.  BEAN smiles merrily.  The affection 

is not mutual.



Champagne comes round instantly.  BEAN takes it, along with a small 

bowl of nuts, and clinks glasses with his unsmiling partner.  BEAN 

tries to impress him by throwing nuts up into the air and catching them 

in his mouth (a well practised art).  No response.



BEAN then switches on the noisy overhead air blower.  Then can't turn 

it down again.  It's very stuck.  He manages however to push it away 

from his face - straight into REYNOLDS' . REYNOLDS looks annoyed, BEAN 

guiltless.



21



Then 'BEAN has an idea.  He takes a tissue out of his pocket, puts in 

his mouth, chews it into a spitball



And rams it into the blower.  Both of them are relieved.  REYNOLDS 

picks up his champagne to have his first proper sip.  And whapp!  The 

spitball, under high pressure, shoots



into it, sending champagne spraying all over REYNOLDS.  Not a good 

start.





3/--BEAN is reading the in-flight magazine.  There's an annoying sound.  

He looks sideways - it is the headphones of the YOUNG BOY in the seat 

across the aisle.  He's fallen asleep with his headphones on.  BEAN 

looks annoyed.  Then suddenly decides to cut his fingernails with a 

little pair of scissors he carries.  He holds out his hand to snip the 

nail - and accidentally on purpose simply cuts the wire of the boy's 

headset.  That's better.



4/ Night.  Wide shot of the plane - everyone is asleep except one pool 

of light.  It's Mr BEAN still up, reading.



But even he is wilting.  His eyes close, and his body starts to waver 

towards sleep.  Next to him, REYNOLDS is in a total lying position - 

and unfortunately, as BEAN slowly tips over, his mouth comes into 

direct contact with REYNOLDS' flies.



From across the compartment, a hostess sees what's happening.  She's 

shocked, comes over and taps BEAN on the ,,shoulder.  He shoots up, and 

nearly strangles her in shock.  She calms him down, shows him how to 

put his chair back - and leaves him to sleep.  CUT ON....



5/ REYNOLDS still asleep.  With BEAN asleep completely on top of him.  

Completely.  His hand is spread on REYNOLDS' face.  REYNOLDS' eyes 

open.  He sees what's happened.  His arm goes up and rings for the 

Hostess.



6/ Morning has broken.  REYNOLDS is still trying to sleep - BEAN is 

wide awake.  The Hostess approaches, and the MOTHER of the YOUNG BOY 

says her son isn't very well.



BEAN decides to cheer him up.  He mimes an aeroplane which makes the 

boy feel more ill.  Then does a rather good lizard impersonation by 

sticking bits of paper to his tongue and eye-lids and fluttering them.



He then brings out a scrunched up bag of Dolly Mixtures and does his 

trick of throwing a sweet in the air and catching it in his mouth.  The 

boy is too ill to be impressed.



BEAN tries to cheer him up with his imaginary gun pretending to be a 

cowboy and then a tough American Cop.  Nothing.  Then he has an 

extremely fun idea.  He empties the Dolly Mixtures from the paper bag 

and pockets them.



22



He then blows up the empty bag and is about to pop it to wake REYNOLDS, 

when he sees it's got a hole in it.  No fun.



Meanwhile, the Boy has taken out his sick-bag.  BEAN is delighted - 

yes, that's perfect.  He turns away for a split second to scrunch up 

the useless bag, while, unseen to him, the boy vomits into his bag.  

BEAN turns, grabs the bag from him - blows into it, puts it right into 

REYNOLDS' face at arms length, and smacks his hands together.  CUT at 

just the right moment.



CUT TO:



INT.  AMERICAN AIRPORT.  ARRIVALS - NIGHT



The traditional exit area.  A random bunch of people are waiting - 

relatives, limousine drivers - and, rather strangely, three 30 year old 

women dressed in curly red wigs from the musical, 'Annie'.



The LEARYS are at the barrier.  KEVIN has a cardboard sign with 'MR.  

BEAN' written on it.  People are streaming out of the Arrivals gate.  

ALISON is not happy.  Actually no one is.  JENNIFER looks particularly 

fed up.



DAVID



For all you know, he may be a very attractive young man.



JENNIFER

Oh come on - the guy's going to be a creep.  All Englishmen are ugly.



DAVID

What makes you say that?



JENNIFER

All the guys they claim are English to and good-looking like Dan Day-

Lewis and Liam Neeson, turn out to be Irish.  Even Anthony Hopkins is 

welsh.  Prince Charles is so ugly they pay him two million bucks a year 

to stay indoors.



DAVID

Richard Burton was very good-looking.



JENNIFER

Welsh.



DAVID

Sean Connery.



23





ALISON

Scottish.



DAVID

Tom Jones?



JENNIFER

Welsh again.



DAVID

Okay, so the guy's gonna look like Meatloaf's backside.  No-one's 

asking you to go to bed with him. 



JENNIFER glares at him.  A tired ALISON has had enough of this waiting 

already.



ALISON

Bed sounds good though.  Bed sounds great.



CUT TO:



INT.  AMERICAN AIRPORT.  CONVEYER - NIGHT



BEAN, is off the plane.  REYNOLDS strides ahead of him, a huge wet 

patch in a semi-circle around his neck.  BEAN comes to a moving 

walkways.  He steps on to it sheepishly, thinking it's very daring and 

brave, gripping the handrail as though he was travelling at 100 mph.



But soon he gains greater confidence.  He stands up straight, both 

hands off the rail.  There are a couple of COPS leaning against a wall, 

chatting.  BEAN notices their guns.  Slipping into role-play mode, he 

reaches into his breast pocket, ready to bring out his imaginary 

shooter ... The last security guard he tried this with just yawned ~ so 

BEAN thinks it's safe.  But this time, the COPS turn and stare at him 

tensely..



Flustered by their interest in him, BEAN needs to get away.  He turns, 

but finds that he is walking in the opposite direction, on the spot.  

The COPS read this as suspicious behaviour and move towards him 

suspiciously.  BEAN turns to gets himself going in the right direction.  

The COPS follow.  BEAN runs.  The COPS give chase.



CUT TO:



24



INT.  'AMERICAN AIRPORT.  ARRIVALS - NIGHT



A little BALD MAN arrives at the barrier.  The three red wigged clones 

from the musical, 'Annie' swamp him with shrieks and kisses.  The 

LEARYS are getting impatient.



KEVIN

(bored ) 

Who do you think is the ugliest guy who ever lived.



DAVID

Well, Michael Bolton's pretty grisly.



KEVIN

I vote for Bart.



JENNIFER

Shut up, Kevin.



KEVIN

NO, seriously - I know he's your boyfriend, but there's something about 

his upper lip that is so weird.  What do you think it is, Dad?  Jen 

says it's a moustache, I say it's a cluster of about 11 mosquitoes, 

resting.



JENNIFER

You know the thing I hate most about children?



KEVIN

Nope.



JENNIFER

You.







CUT TO:



INT.  AMERICAN AIRPORT.  CORRIDOR - NIGHT



BEAN is running down the busy corridor with the two COPS in pursuit.  

They draw their guns.  Two more COPS appear,



coming from the opposite direction.  BEAN is trapped.  He drops his 

case.



COP 1

Police!  Stop or we shoot!



25



Passers-by scream and throw themselves to the floor.  BEAN freezes on 

the spot, terrified.  All four COPS have their guns trained on him in 

the shooting position.



COP 1

Carefully take out your weapon, holding the butt with two fingers only.  

Slowly place it on the floor and take three paces back!



Dead slowly, BEAN puts his hand into his inside jacket pocket and 

brings it back out made in the shape of a gun.  He slowly transfers 

that imaginary item to the finger and thumb of his left hand.  He bends 

down and places it on the floor then takes three paces back.  He gives 

out a big breath after the effort of it all.  The COPS just stare at 

him, gob-smacked.



Little OLD LADY from plane steers up from nowhere.  She rattles her box 

of broken china and kicks BEAN in the shins.  Things are not going his 

way.



CUT TO:



INT.  AMERICAN AIRPORT.  POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT



Bright and clinical.  Close on BEAN sitting behind a table; a very 

small man in very big trouble.  Behind him, two uniformed COPS stand 

guard.  A large, black plain clothes detective sits opposite, smoking a 

cigarette.  This is BRUTUS.  He studies BEAN's passport photo.  It's 

the baboon face.  He holds it up to bean's face to make a comparison.  

BEAN pulls the face to match the photo.



BRUTUS

Mr. Bean. Are you presently on any kind of medication at all?



BEAN thinks deeply for a moment then shakes his head.



BRUTUS

You could certainly use some.



CUT TO:



INT.  AMERICAN AIRPORT.  ARRIVALS - NIGHT



ALISON, JENNIFER and KEVIN are slumped in seats near the barrier.  

DAVID walks up.



ALISON

What did they say?



26



DAVID

Well, they're kind of busy but it doesn't look like ...



ALISON

Did you really ask?



DAVID

I'm not sure I got the right person but they were a bit busy ...



ALISON

What's wrong with you, David?  All you have to do is say, Excuse me, 

I've been sitting here since the start of the Millennium and I'd really 

like some action from you before the end of the world. I'll go.



DAVID



No, no.  I'11 try again ...



ALISON

I said, I'11 go.



She goes.  KEVIN shakes his head disappointedly al,-- his father.  

DAVID slumps down on the seat.  He overhears JENNIFER flirting with an 

incredibly undesirable bloke in a leather jacket - white, with Rasta 

hair extensions, and about sixty rings in his nose. (This is STINGO).



JENNIFER

So. where do your parents live?



STINGO

My parents are dead.



DAVID is pretty confident that he knows who killed them.



JENNIFER

Yeah, so are mine.



CUT TO:



EXT.  AMERICAN AIRPORT.  TAXI RANK. NIGHT



COP 1 puts BEAN in the back of a taxi with his case.  He



takes some dollar notes from his own wallet and hands them to the 

driver.



27





COP 1

Just get him the hell out of here, will ya?



He slams the door and the taxi drives away.



CUT TO:



INT.  AMERICAN AIRPORT-.  ARRIVALS - NIGHT



The LEARYS are all asleep in eccentric positions on the seats.  

JENNIFER's head is resting on STINGO's leg.  Kevin's cardboard sign 

with 'MR.  BEAN, written on it falls from his lap to the floor.



CUT TO:





EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE - NIGHT



The taxi draws up outside the house.  BEAN gets out with his case.  The 

CAB DRIVER is strangely friendly.



CAB DRIVER

Thanks man, I can't tell you how much I appreciate talking to ya.  In 

this job you get so many jerks spilling their guts all over ya, with 

their stupid problems ... But you, you're a great listener, ya know 

that?



BEAN smiles politely.  Taxi drives away.  BEAN walks up to' the front 

porch, checks the house number on his piece of paper and presses the 

doorbell.  No answer.  Presses again.  Still no answer ... Now where 

have they hidden the key. He inspects things carefully.



The camera sees what he sees ... the doormat, the flowerpot, the 

window-ledge ... and then he spots a little stone frog.  BEAN smiles.  

Key hiding is something he knows about - and people are pathetically 

obvious about it.  BEAN picks up the FROG to reveal the front door key.  

It glints in the porch-light.



CUT TO:





INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  HALLWAY - NIGHT



BEAN lets himself in.  The pre-alarm buzzer goes off quietly.  He has 

15 seconds before the alarm goes off proper.  He strolls confidently to 

where the alarm control unit obviously is ... under the stairs.



28



Close-up of flashing L.E.D. Again, BEAN looks carefully and finds the 

magnetic box, housing a little key, attached to the underside of the 

console.  Just as the alarm goes off, for the splittest of a 

secondette, he turns the key in its slot ... and is safe.



BEAN finds the switch and turns on the hall light.  He switches it off 

again ... then on.  Then rapidly clicks it on and off repeatedly.Fun.



CUT TO:



EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE - NIGHT



Shot from across the street, with all the house lights flashing off and 

on madly.



CUT TO:



INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  LOUNGE - NIGHT



BEAN stands in front of the television, looking a little annoyed about 

the fact that the remote control in his hand is having no effect at 

all.  He stabs at it randomly.



CUT TO:

EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE - NIGHT



The garage doors are swinging open and closed rhythmically.



CUT TO:



INT.  DAVID'S CAR - NIGHT



KEVIN and JENNIFER are asleep in the back.  DAVID drives in silence, 

Alison next to him.  Uneasy atmosphere.  DAVID stabs at buttons on the 

car radio.



ALISON

It isn't working any more, David.



DAVID

I know - I'11 take it in to George tomorrow'- he'll fix it.  Stupid 

thing.



HE SWITCHES IT OFF.



29



ALISON

No, US.  It's not working any longer -you and me.



Pause.  DAVID's now heard it completely.  He takes his eyes off the 

road and stares at ALISON a moment too long.  A car's horn snatches 

back his attention.



DAVID

Jesus.



ALISON

I need some time, David.  A little time.  It's not just you.  It's 

partly me.



DAVID



But in general ... it's ... mostly me, right?



Pause.  Single shot of Alison and David.  She doesn't answer.  He is 

destitute.



CUT TO:



INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  HALLWAY - NIGHT



BEAN wanders down the stairs in his pyjamas.  He sees a walkman - and 

puts it on happily.  He moves to the rhythm.  He locks the door, turns 

on the alarm and turns off the

hall light.



CUT TO:

EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE - NIGHT



DAVID's car turns into the drive just as the hall light goes off. (For 

the next few minutes, knife-edged timing 0 is all).  The LEARYS 

sleepily get out of the car and approach the house.  DAVID brings out 

his door key.



CUT TO:



INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  UPSTAIRS LANDING - NIGHT



The exact moment the key turns in the lock, BEAN, still wearing 

headphones, disappears into a bedroom with a little ceramic sign on it 

saying: 'GUEST ROOM'.



The exhausted family enter an apparently untouched house.  KEVIN turns 

on the stairs light, climbs to his room off the landing and closes the 

door on which a sign reads: 'KEVIN'.



30



At that instant BEAN walks out, looking for the bathroom with his wash 

bag.  He looks up at the light.  It should not be on.  He frowns, turns 

it off and exits to bathroom.  At which precise moment JENNIFER, 

zombie-like, is halfway up the stairs



JENNIFER

Thanks a lot, Kevin!



JENNIFER goes into her room.  The sign reads: 'JENNIFER'.



ALISON turns on the light and climbs the stairs.  David heads into the 

kitchen.  They exchange a sad look.  She goes into their bedroom: the 

sign reads: 'GRUPS'.  At which instant, BEAN, still wearing headphones, 

leaves the bathroom, and heads downstairs ....



CUT TO:



INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  KITCHEN - NIGHT



The light is on.  DAVID takes a deep breath.  Bad night.  He picks up 

an empty coffee jar, sighs and goes into the pantry a full one.  BEAN 

enters.  He opens the refrigerator and he studies the food on offer.  

Nothing he fancies ... then BINGO!



He sees a little plate of 3 strawberries.  He eats one, then two, then 

pops the third into his mouth.  It tastes a bit off, so he takes it out 

of his mouth, puts it back on the plate, closes the fridge door, and 

exits ... just as DAVID comes out of the pantry.  Close on BEAN's hand 

as it comes round the door frame and turns off the light.  DAVID, on 

the move, stubs his toe on a chair.  He groans in pain, limps to the 

fridge.  He spots the lone, already sucked strawberry and pops it into 

his mouth.



CUT TO:



INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  D & A'S BEDROOM - NIGHT



ALISON is watching T.V. in bed with the remote control.  DAVID enters 

with orange juice and puts it down by his side of the bed.



DAVID



The lights blown in the kitchen. I'll fix it tomorrow.



They're not a happy couple.  She concentrates on the TV even turns it 

up a little.



CUT TO:



INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  BATHROOM - NIGHT



BEAN turns on the basin's cold faucet.  It gushes noisily.



CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  D & A'S BEDROOM - NIGHT



Close on Letterman on the TV.  The noise from it drowns out any noise 

from the bathroom.(The bathroom has two doors - one into DAVID and 

ALISON's bedroom, the other onto the landing)..



CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  BATHROOM - NIGHT



BEAN can't hear the T.V. because of his headphones.  He takes out his 

toothbrush but notices an electric one on a shelf with spare brush 

heads.  He's intrigue.  He swaps the heads and enjoys cleaning his 

teeth with this clever modern implement.



-He puts the electric brush down and checks his teeth in the mirror.  

He has forgotten to turn off the brush and so it vibrates off the sink 

and lands in the toilet.  Bean fishes it out and places it back on the 

shelf where he found it.  He turns off faucet, then exits, turning out 

the light.



DAVID enters and turns the light on again.  He takes down the 

toothbrush and cleans his teeth.  He calls through the bedroom door.



DAVID

That poor guy, Bean ... He's probably still sitting at London Airport!



He finishes his teeth then runs the hot faucet.  He exits to bedroom as 

BEAN enters from hall with dirty socks.



CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  D & A'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

ALISON is still watching T.V. The volume is getting to DAVID.



DAVID

Alison, please.





32



CUT TO:



INT.  THE LEARYS' HOUSE.  BATHROOM ~ NIGHT



BEAN is just finishing washing his socks in David's water.  He rings 

the dirty water from them, and exits.  DAVID enters in his under 

shorts.  He checks his tired eyes in the mirror then washes his face in 

the basin water without looking.



CUT TO:



INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  LANDING ~ NIGHT



BEAN notices a framed photograph on the wall.  It is of the LEARY 

family.  They are grouped outside their house.  It is a very happy 

picture.  BEAN smiles at it.  He takes it off the wall and takes it 

into a bedroom.  As the door quietly closes we see the sign: 

'JENNIFER'.



CUT TO:



INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  D & A'S BEDROOM - NIGHT



Lights are out.  DAVID and ALISON in bed.  The latter is facing away.



DAVID

I need to make a confession.  I know you're awake.  Please, it's 

important.



(Long pause)



ALISON

(without stirring)

Go ahead.



DAVID

I had the last strawberry in the refrigerator.



ALISON smiles in spite of herself.  She turns over and puts her arm 

around DAVID.  She gets up close to his face.



ALISON

There were three strawberries.



DAVID

One.



33

ALISON

Liar.



DAVID

0h Ali we can work this thing out, you know.



ALISON smiles, sleepily, and goes to kiss him.  She stops and sniffs.  

Thoroughly put off, she rolls over and closes her eyes.



DAVID

Ali?  What's wrong?



ALISON

Your face smells like a foot.



CUT TO:



EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE - DAY



The next morning.  Shot from across the street: A newspaper boy 

delivers.  Birds sing.  It's a lovely, peaceful, early morning.  Then 

... a terrifying girl's scream pierces the quiet.



CUT TO:



INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  UPSTAIRS LANDING - DAY



The whole family charges out onto the landing.  JENNIFER hurtles out of 

her room screaming.  She barges through the family and locks herself in 

the bathroom.



ALISON

What is it?  Jennifer!



JENNIFER

(0.O.V.)

... There's a man ... there's a man ... there's a man in my...



DAVID

Honey, calm down now... it's okay...



JENNIFER

(p.o.v.)

There's a man.  I woke up next to a man ...



KEVIN



It wouldn't be the first time.



34





ALISON

Shut up, Kevin. (to Jennifer) Honey, you-re not making sense ...



DAVID

It's okay.  There's no one out here. Just open the door.  Trust me.



Pause ... then a click of the bathroom lock ... Jennifer comes out.  

Then there's another click.  BEAN breezes out of Jennifer's bedroom, 

past the family, in his pyjamas, carrying a wash bag and a towel over 

his arm.  He waves to them friendly, slips into the bathroom and closes 

the door.  The family stare in amazement.



CUT TO:



INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  KITCHEN - DAY



The family, now dressed for work and school, are having breakfast at 

the kitchen table.  After an uncomfortable silence:



KEVIN

He makes Prince Charles look kind of handsome.



ALISON

He can't stay here, David.



DAVID

Okay.  It's not a problem... Let's just sit ... I'11 talk to the 

gallery ...



ALISON

David, I'm serious!



DAVID

I know you are.  Very serious ... most of the time these days.



ALISON

Now what does that mean?  My daughter wakes up with a strange man in 

her bed, and I'm supposed to think it's amusing? (looks at his tie) 

That tie's God-awful.  Why do you wear it?



DAVID is thrown.  He looks down at his tie.  JENNIFER looks grumpy.  

KEVIN is eating happily.



35



BEAN enters, dressed, carrying a plastic carrier bag.  He acknowledges 

the family with a grunt and a smile.



DAVID

Ah, Mr Bean ...



BEAN

Excuse me.



He moves to the phone, checks his watch and dials quickly.

CUT TO:







INT.  BEAN'S BED-SIT - ENGLAND - NIGHT



The ancient G.P.O. phone starts to ring on a small table. (The 

following takes place in a matter of seconds).



On the table are two, large, shiny, hard backed books, wedged up at one 

end and sloping away at right angles to one another.  Each book has a 

pair of rulers set, parallel to one another, in Play-Doh.  They each 

form a canal.  Between one pair of rulers sits a small box of salt. 

Between the other pair is a miniature bust of BEETHOVEN.  As the phone 

continues to ring and vibrate the table, these items judder along the 

canal, an inch at a time.



The box of salt teaches the bottom of the book and topples over the 

edge of the table. ( The BEETHOVEN bust' teeters on the edge of its 

book).  The salt lands in a plastic funnel, taped to the top of a 

bamboo stick.  The bottom of the stick sits on the BBC 2 button of a 

T.V. remote control.  Close-up of its infrared L.E.D. as it flashes 

once.  The phone stops ringing.



CUT TO: the T.V. comes on at the start of a documentary about grizzly 

bears.  A voice-over begins a narration.



CUT TO: close on TEDDY sitting in his cardboard box hotel.  Flickering 

light from the T.V. plays on his face.



CUT TO:

INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  KITCHEN - DAY



Bean hangs up happily, then approaches the toaster, stuffs a pair of 

wet socks into it and pulls down the start lever.  Satisfied, he now 

turns to the family.



BEAN

Now - can I help?



They just stare, dumb-founded.



36





CUT TO:



EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE - DAY



DAVID and BEAN arrive at the car and get in.  DAVID heads out of the 

drive at a reasonable speed.



BEAN suddenly yanks on the hand-brake.  DAVID's head hits the 

windshield with a sickening thud.  BEAN reaches for and fastens his 

seat belt.  He looks to DAVID.  DAVID gives BEAN a pained look. What 

planet does he come from?  He fastens his own seat belt while BEAN 

wonders why it's all taking so long.



CUT TO:



EXT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  CAR PARKING - DAY



It's a rather fancy building.  Like a little Guggenheim DAVID parks by 

a large, expensive, looking car.  BEAN opens his door and it bangs-hard 

against the pristine body work.



CUT TO:





INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  RECEPTION AREA - DAY



As BEAN and DAVID enter through the swing doors they meet ANNIE, the 

very bubbly girl in charge of entrance tickets at the reception cum 

shop counter.



ANNIE

Two dollars please.



DAVID

Annie, it's me.



ANNIE

Oh, right, yeah. (to Bean) two dollars please.



DAVID

No, Annie, no.  This is Doctor Bean. He's going to be working with us.



BEAN frowns.  That word 'doctor'.



37





ANNIE

Oh, great. Usually we charge people two dollars to come in- but for 

people who work here, that would be 730 dollars a year, which is like, 

a lot of money, so we kinda like let them off. Hi. 



BEAN smiles at her. 



ANNIE

He doesn't like to say much does he?



DAVID

Right first time.



ANNIE

I can understand THAT. Neither do I.  



As BEAN and DAVID move on, BEAN gives ANNIE a 1ittle wave. She waves 

sweetly back. She cocks her head to one side and watches him go. She 

likes Mr. BEAN a lot. 



CUT TO:



INT. GRIERSON GALLERY. GROUND FLOOR- DAY



BEAN and DAVID arrive In the ground floor gallery.  A few visitors are 

viewing the paintings. The acknowledge ELMER, the huge, ex-army, 

Security Man, sitting on a small chair by a wall, reading a newspaper. 

The pass two oldish ladies inspecting a painting



DAVID

You'll notice, our clientele is not totally young. I sometimes worry 

they're not really getting to grips with the art on a deep aesthetic 

level. 





Stay with the ladies as DAVID and BEAN head on.



OLD LADY 1

What do you think?



OLD LADY 2

0h yes - lovely - very nice.



OLD LADY 1

And what colour would you use for the curtains?



38



OLD LADY 2

Well, I thought the sort of blue in this one. (she points to a gorgeous 

blue Matisse) And I thought the curtains in the bathroom would be nice 

in this yellow ....



And-they head on to a Van Gogh with a nice yellow in it.



BEAN stops to admire a painting.  It is Pre-Raphaelite in style, 

depicting a woman reclined on a bed in a castle chamber.  She is 

wearing a chastity belt fastened with a small padlock, her breasts are 

concealed under a draped flag.  It is a tasteful and romantic picture.



DAVID

Beautiful.  'HIS MISTRESS' by John Everett Millais, 1829 to 96.  Know 

it?



BEAN shakes his head.  It's the padlock he's interested in he points at 

it and smiles.  ANNIE walks up.



ANNIE

Excuse me.  Mr Grierson called down. He's ready to see you upstairs.



DAVID

Thanks, Annie.



ANNIE walks off back the way she came, looking at BEAN approvingly over 

her shoulder.



DAVID

Better go.  Grierson hates people being late.



BEAN

Yes.  Ahm... think I'11 ...



He gestures that held like to tidy up a little.  Brush his hair, etc.  

BEAN waddles off after ANNIE clearly in need of relief.  DAVID watches 

him go.



DAVID

Why me?



CUT TO:



INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  CORRIDOR - DAY.



BEAN is catching up with ANNIE.  She notices him following and coyly 

smiles to herself.  She stops, turns round and grins.  She thinks he 

has come to say something to her.



39



BEAN stops dead in front of her - then turns sharp left into the men's 

washroom.  ANNIE's smile fades.





CUT TO:



INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  WASH ROOM - DAY



BEAN comes out of a booth.  He tidies his hair and tie in a mirror.  He 

pushes down the pressurised tap to wash his hands.  It splashes 

terribly.  The whole front of his trousers are soaked.  The last thing 

you want when about to meet your new boss.  Damn!



There now follow a quick, complicated piece of business.



1/ BEAN spots a paper-towel dispenser.  He turns towards it at just the 

moment a man exits from a booth - BEAN turns back to the sink to hide 

his trousers, as the man swiftly does his hands, goes to the paper 

dispenser, and takes the last towel.  Damn again.



2/ BEAN now puts his hope in a rolling towel.  But it's rather high.  

He has to jump to try to reach the trouser.  At which point Another Man 

enters.  Jumping BEAN has been caught in a very weird position.  He 

pretends he has .chosen the Men's Room as the place to do his rather 

energetic exercise routine.



3/ As the man leaves, he then tries to blow the patch dry with his 

mouth.  Another Man enters.  Again, BEAN is 1 compromised - pretends 

it's even more exercises.  That man also enters a booth.



4/ BEAN suddenly notices the hand drying machine!  He turns it on.  A 

healthy blast of warm air.  Annoyingly, it's also rather too high.  He 

tries jumping and bouncing to get his waist to the right height.  It's 

not going to work.  Brainwave!  He climbs up on two sinks.  Now the 

drier is blowing in exactly the right place.  BEAN sways to let the air 

cover the whole area.  It's working excellently.



5/ At which moment, one of the men exits from a booth and sees him in 

the mirror.  BEAN is in an immensely compromising sex-with-machine 

position.  He pretends he's there to change the light bulb above, which 

he takes out calmly and polishes.  The man leaves, BEAN smiles.  But as 

he exits, BEAN's face transforms - he's totally scalded his fingers on 

the scorching bulb.



40





6/ BEAN rushes to the sink, puts his fingers under the tap, pushes on 

the water - and soaks himself all over again.  At which moment, DAVID 

enters, exasperated.



DAVID

Come on!  Let's go!



BEAN exits uneasily hunched to hide his wet patch.  They enter the 

corridor, and he spots a newspaper.



CUT TO:



INT.  GRIERSON'S OFFICE - DAY



BEAN and DAVID enter.  It's a warm, formal. office.  On the wall behind 

the desk is a full-size, framed poster of Whistler's Mother.  On a 

white background, at the base of the poster, a caption reads: 'THE 

GRIERSON GALLERY, HOME OF WHISTLER'S MOTHER'.  Elsewhere, the walls are 

full of paintings.



GRIERSON and BERNIE look up from a computer screen at DAVID and BEAN, 

who is, rather weirdly, carrying a newspaper in fronts of his flies.  

GRIERSON approaches David, and shakes his hand.



GRIERSON

Ah, David.  Finally. (CHECKS HIS WATCH DELIBERATELY ) And this must be 

our professor from across the sea.



DAVID

Yes, this is Doctor Bean.



BEAN

Actually I'm not .... er ...





GRIERSON 

This is Bernard Schimmel. Bernie the Doctor.



BERNIE offers his hand.  BEAN has to do a nifty handchange to free up 

the correct hand for the handshake.  The newspaper stays firmly in 

place.



THOMAS GRIERSON

Ah ~ the Tribune - mind if I just ....



He reaches out to borrow the newspaper.  BEAN has to squeeze in right 

next to the desk and sit behind it, before he can hand the paper over    

thus ensuring the continued invisibility of the wet patch.  GRIERSON 

studies the paper for a second.



GRIERSON

Take a seat, gentlemen..... although before we settle - feast your eyes 

on these.



GRIERSON goes to a painting on a wall.  DAVID and BEAN follow ~ BEAN 

about one inch from DAVID's back, walking in perfect rhythm.



GRIERSON

Arthur Rackham.  Originals of course.  Got four of them.  Check this 

out ... Venus and the Cat, Aesop's Fables.  Isn't that something?



He heads towards said illustration on adjacent wall - and BEAN and 

DAVID follow, still totally glued together.  A strange sight.



DAVID.

They're beautiful, sir.



GRIERSON

Maybe.  Hell of a price, I'11 tell you.  Anyway - down to business.



They head back to the desk - but Bean, in a momentary lapse of 

concentration fails to follow.  He's now stuck on the wrong side of the 

room, unable to turn around.



GRIERSON

Bernie was just showing me his new ideas for a cross-gallery computer 

system.  Dr Bean - would you like to look at this?  Very exciting stuff 

....



BEAN

Ahm ... NO.



GRIERSON is slightly surprised.  But they persevere.



BERNIE

What I'm doing, Dave, is developing the ultimate user-friendly,' 

interactive public guide to the gallery.



Punching buttons on the computer, he reveals wonderful maps of the 

gallery, and when clicking on sections of the map, graphic explanations 

of each rooms contents.



42



Meanwhile.  Bean has spotted a fan on the other side of the room.  He 

moves around the room, always facing straight to the wall.  When he 

reaches the fan, he switches it on: unfortunately it's a rotating fan - 

so to keep the wind on his trousers, BEAN has to do a strange, rhythmic 

dancing movement, following the arc of the fan.



DAVID

It's very good Bernie.



BERNIE

But the particular glory of the system... is that it can also work oh 

large screens in each individual room - so we can network the program 

to every room in the gallery.



GRIERSON

Not bad, eh?  What do you think, Doctor?  Ah.... Doctor Bean?



BEAN turns, shocked to have been observed.  He looks down at his 

trousers and, HOORAY!, they're dry at last.  He's delighted, and moves 

back across the road towards them, hands in pockets, in a big, 

confident, groin-thrusting, dry-trouser boasting walk.



GRIERSON

Well, thanks for dropping by.  Enjoy your stay with our Vice President 

and his family.  They're simple people.-.but warm, yes, Doctor?



BEAN

I'm not actually... um...



GRIERSON

... Settled in yet.  I know.  Plenty of time.  Bernie, perhaps you'd 

like to take Dr. Bean on a tour of the gallery.



BERNIE

Absolutely.  This way, sir.



BEAN displays his crotch proudly one last time before he and BERNIE 

exit.  GRIERSON tries to fathom the strange man who just left.



GRIERSON

He's a genius, right?







43





DAVID

Ah... He certainly has something, sir.



GRIERSON

Very pleased you've taken him in, David.  At a time when no-one's job 

is safe, it really identifies you as a team player.



DAVID

Yes, although, I really..... thank you.  Yes, it's great to have him 

with us. The whole family's very excited.



GRIERSON

Glad to hear it.  Tell poor Mr Larson to come through, will you?



DAVID

You're not going to ....



GRIERSON

Sack him?  David, what else can I do?  This business is not, repeat, 

not breaking even. And David ... notice anything this morning?



DAVID frowns then sees.



DAVID

You've tinted your hair?  It takes years off you, sir.



GRIERSON beams.





MIX THROUGH TO:



INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  RECEPTION AREA - DAY



End of the day.. ANNIE perks up at the reception desk as DAVID, but 

especially BEAN, approaches from the gallery area.  She has a pile of 

tissues near-by and draws a heart on one of them.  She arranges it on 

the counter-top where BEAN could not fail to see it on his way to the 

exit.



DAVID

Goodnight Annie.



ANNIE

Night.



BEAN does not even notice her.  As DAVID heads for the exit, BEAN 

suddenly sneezes.



44



He reaches for ANNIE's love message and blows his nose on it. He drops 

the tissue in a bin as he exits.



ANNIE sighs her disappointment.



CUT TO:

EXT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  BY PARKING LOT - DAY



(About 5 p.m.) BEAN and DAVID head for the parking lot.  On the way, 

BEAN's interest is drawn to the MIME ARTIST we met before in his 

Clinton mask, performing his heart out in front of the Dead Cars 

sculpture.  BEAN lingers.



The MIME accosts a woman, pretending to brush dust from her clothes, 

comb her hair etc.  The MIME is a bit of a pain in the ass really.  The 

woman quickly moves on.



BEAN is intrigued.  The MIME mimes climbing a ladder.  BEAN goes up 

next to him - and looks up.  There's nothing there.  He decides the 

MIME is a bit of a tricky.  This is confirmed when the MIME pretends 

he's locked behind a pane of glass.  BEAN simply pokes his finger 

through the imaginary glass wall, and hits the MIME's nose.



CUT TO: DAVID watching bemusedly some way off.



The MIME is however delighted someone is taking an interest at last.  

He takes a handkerchief from BEAN's pocket, and gets BEAN to guess 

which hand the hanky's in. It's not in the left.  Not in the right.  

BEAN isn't the slightest bit impressed - he just reaches round and 

takes the hank-y from where it's tucked into the MIME's trousers - and 

heads away.  As he moves off, the MIME touches h' on the shoulder.  

BEAN turns and the MIME starts a mocking gun duel.  He draws his guns.  

BEAN is pretty unimpressed.



The MIME turns his back and walks the 10 paces to draw. 4 He turns ....



But now BEAN decides to settles it once and for all.  In a brilliant 

piece of big mime, he puts together the biggest gun ever seen outside 

an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.  He sets up a pedestal - opens a case ~ 

lifts out a hugely heavy gun - then the 7 bits that click on that gun.  

Then opens another case, and takes out the huge artillery shell to load 

it.



The MIME is getting very frightened.  Then BEAN pulls up an imaginary 

stool to sit behind his mega-Gatling Gun.  The MIME begins to run away.  

BEAN twirls in his imaginary seat, and lines up his sights, following 

the terrified MIME.



45



Finally, in a BOOM that almost knocks BEAN out of his imaginary seat, 

he fires. 10 seconds delay, and the MIME falls in a very dramatic 

death, 50 yards away.



BEAN is happy - and heads back to the parking lot where DAVID, arms 

folded, leans against his car.  DAVID gets into his car.  BEAN opens 

the passenger door and thumps it loudly into the side of the expensive 

car next-door (same as this morning).



CUT TO:



EXT.  SHOPPING MALL.  PARKING LOT - DAY



DAVID parks next to a beaten up convertible.



DAVID



Okay.  I'll get some steaks.  Alison loves steak ... Wine - good.  

Candy?  No candy.  Alison hates candy.  We gotta do this right, Bean, 

or ... (looks at Bean) Just stay out  of trouble, okay?



BEAN nods.  DAVID gets out and  heads for the mall.  Nearby woman tramp 

(BAG LADY) goes  through a trash can.



BEAN tries to control himself  but weakens.  He plays with all the 

buttons and switches on the dashboard; windshield wipers, lights.  Then 

he notices a throbbing noise ... He gets out of the car to investigate.



BEAN swiftly locates the throbbing sound.  The e-empty convertible has 

its engine running.  BEAN notices the keys in the ignition.  How stupid 

of someone.  He turns off the engine and takes out the keys.  There are 

several people returning to their cars with groceries.  BEAN offers the 

car keys to them as if to say: "Are these yours?"



[The following should take place at quite a speed, real drama.]



Then suddenly, A ROBBER dashes towards BEAN from the direction ' of the 

Mall, weaving in and out of parked cars, with a small white carrier 

bag, assumedly full of money.  He wears jeans, a black polo-neck and, 

much to BEAN's delight, a PRESIDENT CLINTON face-mask.  As far as 

BEAN's concerned, this is his old friend, the MIME.



ROBBER throws the bag of money on to the back seat of the convertible 

and gets in - but he cant find the keys to start it.  He frantically 

searches all his pockets ...



46





BEAN leans into shot.  He holds out the keys, grinning.



ROBBER

Gimme the keys!



BEAN runs away with them.  Or doesn't!  He is in mime mode - And runs 

on the spot, getting faster and faster.  The ROBBER approaches this 

obvious madman.  He is quite a tough, scary, and scared individual.



ROBBER

I said, give me the keys!



BEAN turns and holds out two hands, just like the MIME did to him.  The 

perplexed ROBBER picks one hand.  Wrong one.  He then.... pulls a gun 

and puts it hard to MR BEAN in BEAN's face.  Passers-by scream and fall 

to the ground, the bag lady amongst them.  Sudden harsh reality.



But not to BEAN.  He simply takes the gun, and waves it in the ROBBER's 

face, ticking him off for breaking the rules.



ROBBER

OKAY, OKAY - TAKE IT EASY!!!



BEAN gestures the ROBBER to turn around. He does, sure this sicko is 

going simply to shoot him in the head. But instead BEAN puts his back 

to the ROBBER's back, and starts to count



BEAN

1,2,3,4, 5, 6,7,8, 9,10



He turns and gestures to the ROBBER it's time to draw.  By this time a 

crowd has gathered.



ROBBER

But I haven't got a f.....



BEAN

Ssssh!!!!



He points out a small child, watching from behind a trash can.





CUT TO:



INT.  SHOPPING MALL.  EXT.  COFFEE SHOP ~ DAY



DAVID is hurrying back to the parking lot, with a bag of groceries, and 

a big bunch of red roses.. He stops dead in his tracks as he spots 

something ...



47





ALISON and CHARLES are sitting up on stools, in the window of a coffee 

shop.  ALISON laughs at something that CHARLES says.  Their body 

language suggests a certain closeness.  DAVID is saddened.  He hurries 

away.



CUT TO:

EXT.  SHOPPING MALL.  PARKING LOT ~ DAY 



BEAN waves the gun at the ROBBER.



ROBBER

I haven't got a gun.



But BEAN is pushing him to draw.  Finally...



ROBBER

Okay, okay, I'11 do it!



He draws.  BEAN draws too.  They fire.  And BEAN really fires.  To his 

amazement.  Onlookers scream.  BEAN throws the gun away in startlement.



The ROBBER lunges for it ~ BEAN kicks it away, trying to help him avoid 

such a dangerous implement.



The ROBBER lunges at BEAN who throws the keys away over his shoulder.  

The ROBBER has to scrabble under a car for them- BEAN thinks of final 

joke - and niftly swaps the ROBBER's bag, for one of the Old BAG LADY's 

bags.  A few dollar notes spill out of it.



When the ROBBER emerges with the keys, BEAN 's waiting to escort him to 

his car.  He opens the door - then spots a tourist hiding and puts his 

arm around the ROBBER and gets him to take a photograph of them.  BEAN 

removes the ROBBER's mask as the picture is taken.  Forgetting himself, 

the ROBBER smiles for the camera.



The ROBBER, jolted back to reality by the sound of approaching Police 

car sirens, jumps in the car and drives away.  BEAN waves goodbye to 

the convertible as a couple of Police cars screech up.  COPS jump out.



DAVID approaches the scene with groceries and roses. What kind of hell 

has BEAN caused now?  But instead of trouble, he sees the passers-by 

are getting to their feet, applauding BEAN and whistling!  They crowd 

round the COPS explaining what a hero BEAN has been.



BEAN hands over the gun to a COP.  He doesn't really understand what 

all the fuss is about.  He notices the BAG



48



LADY wandering away with her bags.  Should he tell her that he has 

swapped one of them for the ROBBER'S?  No. He's getting too much 

attention to be bothered.  A COP comes up to BEAN.  It is COP 1 from 

the airport scene.



COP 1

Excuse me.  Mr. er ... Cabbage?



Sudden mutual recognition.



CUT TO:



INT.  POLICE PRECINCT. INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT



Classic smoked filled room with street light cutting through half 

closed Venetian blinds.  Two or three DETECTIVES slouched in the 

shadows.



BRUTUS, the huge black detective from earlier, sits opposite BEAN at a 

table, smoking.  He is looking at a photo.  A close-up reveals it to be 

a full length one of BEAN and the ROBBER outside the mall with the 

ROBBER's face unmasked.  BRUTUS eyes BEAN for a while.  BEAN is 

terrified.  BRUTUS taps the photo.



BRUTUS

It's Eddie Guardino.  Go pick him up.



One of the DETECTIVES lazily leaves the room.  BRUTUS leans forward on 

his elbows.



BRUTUS

Guardino fled the scene with 160 K, in a white plastic bag. We got the 

car.  We got the bag.  And we got 20 pairs of stinking pantyhose. 

(drags on his cigarette) Anything you wanna tell me?



BEAN looks at h4-m blankly.  BRUTUS holds up the photo.



BRUTUS

'Fraid I'm gonna have to keep this.



BEAN calmly takes the picture and tears it in half.  He gives back the 

ROBBER half and puts the other half, with himself on, into his pocket.  

BRUTUS glares at him.



BRUTUS

Mr. Bean.  You lookin' to stay long in California?



49





BEAN grins.  At last.  A question he can answer.  He nods, happily.



MR. BEAN

Oh, yes.



CUT TO:



INT.  THE LEARYS' HOUSE.  KITCHEN - NIGHT



DAVID is talking to KEVIN.  BEAN is there.  In the background, Jennifer 

plays with a computer game.  DAVID is very animated.



DAVID

He was incredible.  This guy is fearless.  He has no fear.



KEVIN

That's one - way of looking at it.  You might also say this guy is 

brainless he has no brain'.



DAVID

Well, there is that ...



KEVIN

(TO BEAN )

I'11 give you a chance... Know anything about computers?



BEAN

Ahm....





CUT TO:



INT.  THE LEARYS' HOUSE.  KEVIN'S BEDROOM - NIGHT



KEVIN is playing an adventure game: 'GOBLINS 2' [This game exists.] The 

GOBLINS chuckle and make stupid noises that BEAN can imitate.  A catchy 

piece of music accompanies the game.



The computer monitor shows the inside of the WIZARD's house.  KEVIN 

moves the GOBLINS, and two little characters, FINGUS and WINKLE, around 

the room by clicking on areas in the room with his mouse.



BEAN and KEVIN are both wearing pointed goblin hats made from 

newspaper.



50



KEVIN

It's so embarrassing.  All the guys I know are on Goblins 3 and I'm 

still stuck with the lousy Wizard in Goblins 2.



BEAN is interested in the computer because he likes the cute little 

GOBLINS.  He gets his delighted face right up to the screen.  He sings 

along with the catchy tune.  KEVIN is getting frustrated.



KEVIN

Come on, winkle.



KEVIN clicks on a cuckoo clock in the WIZARD's room.  The cuckoo pops 

out holding a key in its beak.



KEVIN

It's gotta be here.  Something to get the key away from the stupid 

cuckoo.



BEAN scans the monitor screen: he spots a little frog at the bottom of 

the scene.  His eyes light up.  He takes the mouse and rapidly and 

repeatedly clicks on the frog.



BEAN

Click, click, click, click, click ...



The frog croaks and jumps off a little round stone.  KEVIN gets 

excited.



KEVIN

How'd you do that!?  That was so obvious!!!



BEAN grins and makes WINKLE pick up the stone.  Then he clicks through 

to inside the wizard's house.  He makes WINKLE throw the stone at the 

cuckoo which instantly drops the key from its beak.





KEVIN

Beanie, you are waaaaay Cool!



KEVIN slaps BEAN on the back.  BEAN is delighted.  Close on monitor, 

showing The Goblin game-



CUT TO:



INT.  LIVING ROOM.  DAY



Another game.  JENNIFER'S Super Nintendo game on TV in the lounge area.  

It is a Gothic game where he-man types attack Vampires and bats with 

swords.



51



DAVID is in the kitchen - setting out the roses in a vase.  The door 

opens - enter ALISON.  Some tension.



DAVID

Hi,



ALISON

Hi..... (PAUSE ) Roses.



DAVID

Yes.  And	I have a wine for dinner

that will kill you.



ALISON

Great. ( SHE SETTLES A LITTLE ) You said you'd ask Grierson about 

putting our guest somewhere else.  Did you?



DAVID

Sort of half.....



ALISON

Meaning?



DAVID

I was sort of half way through the sentence in which I would have asked 

him when it suddenly seemed like a mistake.



ALISON

Honestly David, you're so spineless.



Pause. Jennifer looks around.  She can't help but hear.  Not a happy 

experience.



DAVID

Roses.  Wine.



He is asking her for softness.  Pause.  At which moment BEAN enters 

wearing pointy hat. He helps himself to a melon from a bowl.  He grins 

and exits.  ALISON looks at DAVID sadly.



ALISON

But no real change.



Almost instantly, BEAN is back.  He rummages through a drawer and takes 

out some large elastic bands.  And leaves.



ALISON

I really do need some time on my own. Away from here.



52







DAVID

Look, Bean's history.  I swear to you, he's packing as we speak.  And 

you can't leave. ( HE PICKS UP THE BAMBI ) I've got Bambi.  You never 

go anywhere without him.  Please let's just talk.





ALISON

Okay. ( GHOST OF A SMILE ) Put Bambi down, and we'll talk.



He puts Bambi down on the side-table, on the flat surface of his CD 

player.  BEAN appears again behind her, now looking even madder.  

Pointy hat, large pointy ears made from melon peel, held in place by 

the rubber band stretched round his face ~ huge front teeth also cut 

from the melon.  He grins gleefully.



DAVID and ALISON just stare. BEAN is followed by KEVIN who wears the 

same ears and teeth.



DAVID

Look, you guys, could you just give us a moment to ... Jennifer - could 

you turn that damn thing down.



It is quite loud.  JENNIFER looks for the remote control. BEAN 

helpfully picks up a remote control from the sofa and points it across 

the room.



ALISON

No, that's not for the TV.  That's for the ...



Too late!  BEAN punches a button and the lid of the CD

player launches the Bambi into the air.                          



DAVID sees it.  In slow motion he dives dramatically and just misses 

it.  It smashes on the floor.



BEAN raises his eyes heavenwards, shakes his head and tuts.  He thinks 

DAVID is a real Butter Fingers.



JENNIFER, upset, has found the TV remote and unintentionally switches 

from the Vampire game to a TV channel.  It's very loud.



ALISON gives DAVID a tearful look, and shakes her head.



CUT TO:



EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE   NIGHT.



A taxi drives away.  Alison is in it.

CUT TO:



INT.  HALLWAY- NIGHT.



JENNIFER and KEVIN are in their night clothes.  They sit with David on 

the stairs ~ still looking at the door-Alison left through.





KEVIN

I wish I could use that at school.  "Hey, Teach, no hard feelings ... 

It's just things between us ain't what they used to be and I need a 

little space, ya know?  So I'11 see you around in a couple of years, 

maybe".



JENNIFER

It's a kind of an interesting swap. Mom for the Man from Ga Ga.



She gets up and walks away.



DAVID

Jen - you don't wanna talk about it?



JENNIFER

It's you and Mom that need to talk.



DAVID

Sure.  You're right.



KEVIN

You know, Mr. Bean's okay.  You're not gonna kick him out, are you, 

Dad?



JENNIFER

(FROM HER DOOR) 

Of course he is.



KEVIN

Are you?



DAVID

Yes, I am.  I must.





CUT TO:



INT.  HALL/BEAN'S ROOM.  DAY.





DAVID heads for Mr BEAN's room, and knocks cautiously on the door.



54



BEAN

(o. o. v)

Enter.



DAVID enters - Camera follows as DAVID finds his way through BEAN's 

washing hanging from strings across the room.  BEAN is sticking things 

in a picture album.



DAVID

Hi, am I disturbing you?



BEAN gives him an affable smile.  In a pause before he quite gathers 

himself to broach the difficult subject, DAVID asks a polite question.



DAVID

May I?



BEAN acquiesces.  He starts from the beginning, with pictures of him as 

a kid.  Always standing on his own.



Picture of BEAN with mop of frizzy hair, at 16.  DAVID smiles.  BEAN 

mimes stupid disco dancing.



DAVID turns another page.  It is a sequence of pictures of BEAN at 

famous UK locations - Big Ben, Stonehenge, Buckingham Palace, 10 

Downing Street.  They are .idiosyncratic because all taken by him at 

arms length with his Polaroid - so he never quite makes it squarely 

into shot.



A whole page of Teddy.  Then three pages of BEAN's mini with dates, on 

labels, going way back.



Then a whole page of garden gnomes.



DAVID

None of your folks here - Family?



BEAN starts to look for something in particular.  DAVID uses the pause 

to broach the awful subject.



DAVID

Look... the reason I came in here was to ... well... since you've been 

here twelve all...



BEAN has found what he was looking for.  It is the picture of the 

family that he took from the landing on his first night here.  What's 

left of the Polaroid of himself, from the mall, that he rescued from 

BRUTUS, is stuck next to it. He's even written - 'Bean & Family' - he 

doesn't realise there's anything sad about it.  But DAVID is rather 

moved.  Pause.



55



DAVID

Well, that's er...great. Look, I just came in ... (no, he cant do it) 

... to say good night.  Okay?



BEAN nods.  DAVID smiles and goes to the door.



BE-AN waves good-bye a little rudely and gets back to the album.  Even 

when we feel sorry for him, he's a little rude.  DAVID walks away, 

shaking his head.



DAVID

Spineless.

CUT TO:



INT.  DAVID AND ALISON'S BEDROOM.



The first morning without ALISON.  "She's Gone" by Hall & Oats begins 

to play, a song full of yearning.



DAVID feels the other side of the bed.  No-one there.



He walks into the bathroom and turns on the shower.  Then walks back 

into the bedroom - She's gone - I've got to learn how to face it " He 

takes a towel from a cupboard and returns to the bathroom.  He feels 

very alone.



He removes his pyjamas and gets into the steam-filled shower. - she's 

gone - she's gone" - but the camera moves to reveal that he is not 

alone after all.  BEAN has, simply entered the shower, and is now 

happily soaping himself, wearing ALISON's shower cap. manly screams 

from the both of them.



CUT TO:

INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  CANTEEN - DAY.



DAVID sitting down at table, with BEAN, who is tucking in happily ~ 

eating a burger & bun with knife and fork.  DAVID speaks after a 

longish pause.



DAVID

Bean can I ask you something?



BEAN nods.



DAVID

Do you think you can ever really know someone?  Even if you've known 

them, well, almost all your life?  What do you think?



56





BEAN thinks hard, then looks at his watch, makes his excuses and simple 

walks away.



CUT TO:



INT.  GALLERY CORRIDOR.  DAY.



BEAN at a pay phone.  He dials carefully-

CUT TO:



INT.  BEAN'S BED-SIT.  DAY



10 am U.K. time. (The following takes place in a matter of seconds) 

Close on the T.V. A morning kids show blares out.  A huge wardrobe 

stands four feet away from a wall.  There is a string tied to one of 

it's door handles, stretching out of shot.  The wardrobe seems to be 

leaning backwards at an angel.  It rocks slightly and creaks. (Feature 

its padlock).



There is a folded ironing board balanced over a roll of hall carpet, 

see-saw fashion.  One end of it is wedged under the wardrobe.



BEAN's G.P.O. phone rings on the table and it's vibrations cause the 

bust of BEETHOVEN to fall over the edge of the table.  It lands on the 

end of the ironing board.  The Wardrobe groans as it is set off balance 

and falls against the wall with a heavy thump! and raising of dust.  

The string tied to its handle becomes taut.



CUT TO: the T.V. plug in its socket.  This end of the string is tied to 

it.  The string tightens and the plug is yanked out of the socket.

The T.V. screen goes blank.  Shot of TEDDY in the cardboard hotel'.



CUT TO:





INT.  CANTEEN.  DAY.



BEAN returns, sits down and starts to eat again. David is still deep in 

thought.



DAVID



Well, they say there's only one way to get over this sort of thing.  

Take it day by day.  Keep working.  Keep to your normal patterns.  

That's the only hope.  So let's just ... take today shall we?



57



BEAN nods.  He is not on David's emotional level here.



DAVID

I think the time has come from you to meet the grand Madame.  She's all 

around you ... how do you fancy meeting her in the flesh?



Sure enough, all around are posters, and the silhouette of Whistler's 

Mother.  BEAN nods, though fairly distracted by the slice of gherkin 

he's found in his bun and now picks out with his fingers.



CUT TO:



INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  CORRIDOR - DAY.



BEAN and David en route to the painting.



DAVID

I usually only let her out for the big summer exhibition - but' let's 

see whether what they say about the healing power of great works of art 

is true, huh?



CUT TO:





INT.  THE WHOLE GALLERY - DAY



BEAN and DAVID do the rest of the journey, in quick cuts - along 

corridors - in an elevator.  A sense of expectation and excitement.  En 

route, they are joined by ELMER, the huge Security Guard.



The three arrive outside a large oak door.  ELMER ceremoniously unlocks 

the door, all the time glaring at BEAN - who swallows hard.  A light 

turns green and a buzzer sounds.



Then there is the door to the inner sanctum.  ELMER stares at BEAN as 

he unlocks it.  Another light turns green and another buzzer sounds.



DAVID

As you can see, security's pretty tight in this section.  Nobody gets 

past Elmer here.  Isn't that right?



ELMER

Not in one piece anyway.  I see Mrs Whistler as kind of ... like my own 

dear mother.  I'd kill any man that tried to interfere with her.  The 

Vice President here will vouch for that.



58





DAVID

You've known me five years Elmer. When do you get to calling me David?



ELMER

Not my place, sir.  It would only be a matter of time before I'm 

calling you Dave.  Then where would we be?  By next year, you're my 

Sweety-Pie" and I'm "Coochie-Coo".  I'11 be back in 15.



He salutes, glares at BEAN and walks away.  BEAN and DAVID enters the 

room.  BEAN looks warily back at ELMER



DAVID

You think he's tough you should see the size of the hunk that works the 

night shift.



CUT TO:



INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  THE WHISTLER ROOM - DAY.  



The room is very dark, only tiny lights in the corner.



DAVID

Stay there.  Keep your eyes closed. One final lock, one final key.



DAVID unlocks double doors in a wall with a plastic key card.  Buzz - 

click!  The camera holds on BEAN, his eyes tight shut.  The lights go 

up on BEAN's face, a magical golden glow.



DAVID

Right.  Open now.



Cut round - and there is this beautiful and very famous painting, 

lovingly shot.  Music.  Atmosphere.  Glory.



BEAN opens his eyes and looks at the painting.



BEAN



Mmmmm. Nice.



DAVID

I'11 leave you with her for a few minutes.  I'm sure you'll want to 

give her a proper inspection.  But whatever you do, don't leave the 

room.  Megasecurity, okay?  Catch you.



BEAN nods.  DAVID leaves him.  BEAN is still for a while and then goes 

up and inspects it closely.



59



He tuts disapprovingly as he spots dust on the bottom of the frame.  He 

blows it away fussily.  He steps back to admire the painting.  There is 

dust up his nose and... SNEEZE - all over the painting!



He takes out his handkerchief and wipes the spittle off in panic.  Then 

looks back at the painting.  Unfortunately, there now seems to be a big 

blue mark right across Mrs Whistler's face..



BEAN checks his handkerchief.  Yes, there's wet ink all over it.  He 

finds the leaking pen in his pocket. 0 God.  He takes out his shirt, 

spits on it and tries to wipe the painting, but he can't make the shirt 

reach it.  He takes the painting down from the wall and has another go.  

NO GOOD!  The ink just spreads right over Whistler's Mother's pure 

white collar.



BEAN now looks round in panic.  What the hell can he do?  He goes to 

the heavy door - and looks out into the corridor.  He hears someone 

coming, hides and sees a young girl from the catering staff wheeling a 

slightly squeaky trolley past, covered with a white cloth.



He goes back in - and has an idea.  He goes to a little table in the 

corner and begins to take thing off it.



CUT TO:



INT.  GALLERY.  UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - DAY.



The door opens, and BEAN emerges, pushing what appears to be a trolley 

covered with a white cloth.  Although, if you look carefully, this 

trolley actually has no legs.  It is the painting covered with the 

table cloth.  To make it a bit more convincing, BEAN makes an apt 

squeaky noise.



He proceeds along the thin corridor - and then sees another exactly 

similar trolley coming right towards him.' A problem.  As they get 

close, BEAN suddenly pretends he sees something astonishing behind the 

on-coming man.



BEAN

(silently mouths)

What the ... !!!



When the man turns, BEAN just twists his painting sideways and shoots 

past him.  We see the face of the deeply perplexed trolley-pusher when 

he looks back and BEAN is no longer there.  He turns round to BEAN, who 

turns back to him with a totally blank and innocent look.  BEAN sees an 

elevator and heads for it.



CUT TO:



60



INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  ELEVATOR - DAY



Inside the elevator, BEAN relaxes for a moment.  He leans the painting 

against the wall and presses the third floor button.  The bell dings.



ELEVATOR VOICE 

Second floor.



BEAN manages to get the painting into trolley position before the doors 

open to a group of six very fat middle aged people.  They all wear 

large badges declaring them to be members of a 'Diet Club'.  They 

squeeze into the elevator along both sides of BEAN's trolley.  There is 

a very, very, THIN WOMAN behind them who can't fit on.



THIN WOMAN

I guess I'll see you up there, guys.



The doors close.  As the painting is wedged against the fat people's 

stomachs on both sides, BEAN is able to let go of it and make a great 

show of checking his watch.  He nonchalantly, drums the fingers of both 

hands on the top of the trolley'.  The bell dings.



ELEVATOR VOICE

Third floor.



The doors open.  BEAN flips the painting onto its side and strolls out 

of the elevator.  The 'Diet Cub, members stare, after him.



BEAN heads on, squeaking - and at last sees what he's looking for.  A 

men's room.



CUT TO: 



INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  MEN'S ROOM - DAY



BEAN enters, relieved.  It is small, just a little sink, a towel and a 

toilet.  About a yard wide - but the picture fits in.



BEAN starts to wash the painting very carefully and lo!!  The ink 

starts to come off.  Massive relief.  Then, alas, someone tries the 

handle of the door.  BEAN speeds up. A knock.  He peers out the 

keyhole.  There are now 4 people waiting.  BEAN is very worried.



CUT TO:



61



INT.-GRIERSON GALLERY.  OUTSIDE MEN'S ROOM - DAY



Pause.  Then out comes BEAN, drying his empty hands, miming, "Sorry, 

Sorry.". We see into the toilet. nothing there.  No sign of the 

painting.  BEAN turns sharply left.



CUT TO:

EXT.  GRIERSON GALLERY - DAY



DAVID is talking to BERNIE in the grounds.  We can see the side of the 

whole gallery in shot as they talk.



BERNIE

I was hoping DU.  Bean might take a look at my computer project today.



DAVID

Yes.  I'11 mention it to him.  But ... he's kind of his own guy, you 

know?



BERNIE

Howls he getting on with the family?



DAVID

Ah. Fine.  It's good.  It's great.



We will be slightly distracted by the observation that Whistler's 

Mother, America's most valuable painting, is at this moment balanced on 

a very thin ledge three floors up - where Bean has put in, outside the 

Men's room window.  A bird and then a couple more birds perch on it.



BERNIE

And howls Alison?



DAVID

She's ... well, she's good.



BERNIE

Saw her at the movies the other night with that boss of hers.  Nice 

guy.  Good looking.



DAVID

Yes, isn't he.



BERNIE

It's great when people who work together can become real friends.



DAVID

Isn't it?



62



BERNIE

I like to think that's what's happened with you and me ... even though 

you're kinda my boss.  Still maybe it won't always be that way, huh?



DAVID doesn't quite see what BERNIE is getting at but smiles politely.



Now we see BEAN's plan - he has emerged at a nearby window.  He can't 

reach the painting at first.  So he stretches further and further out 

the window.  No good.  Finally he has to go out on the ledge.  He shoos 

away the birds, who then decide to settle on him instead.  Finally he 

gets a hand on the painting.  As he does so, he loses hold.  He just 

manages to grabs a window before he falls.



DAVID

Look, I've left Bean on his own. Nice to chat though Bernie - always a 

subtle joy.



BERNIE

Thanks, David.  Always a pleasure.



Period.



BEAN is slowly managing to claw his way back towards the open window 

with the painting.  It is an extraordinary piece of acrobatics.  DAVID 

turns to go.



BERNIE

By the way.  Don't know what you think, Mr Vice President, but I've 

been hinting to the old man that someone's got to have the balls to 

take some sort of emergency measures around here - or we're all in the

crap house.  What do you think?                     





DAVID

'Emergency measures, in your book means sack people right?



BERNIE

Not necessarily.  That's where this ... ( POINTS TO HIS BRAIN ) comes 

in.  No, I've had a better idea than sacking people.  You'll hear soon 

enough.



BERNIE grins and walks away. Bean does one final swing, and ....



CUT TO:



63

INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  STOREROOM - DAY.



A small storeroom where Bean's wriggling bottom is just coming back 

through the window.  He has the picture and is safe.



He sets the picture down on a table.  Darn!  The birds have done their 

business on it.



He maniacally rummages through various dusty cans and bottles on a 

shelf.  He chooses a can, too rusty to read its label, takes off the 

lid and sniffs.  This smells like the right sort of stuff.  He pours 

the liquid on to a rag and rubs it on the face of Mrs. Whistler.  The 

solvent effortlessly removes the ink stain.  Whistler's Mother looks as 

good as new.



BEAN is so, so, relieved.  But then he notices something else 

happening.  The liquid did not stop with removing the stain.  It is now 

busy removing Whistler's Mother's face entirely.  As Bean watches-in 

frozen horror, America's most famous painting turns back to a blank 

canvas.



BEAN thinks for a second - and then has a desperate thought.  Removing 

the pen that started all the trouble, he decides to try to draw back on 

Whistler's Mother's 'face.  He doesn't have much time.  It shows.  

Where once was a sublime oil painting, is now a biro line-drawing which 

looks a little like Danny de Vito.



Bean lifts it against the wall to check how it's worked.  

Unfortunately, there's a nail there.  The picture tears, Bean panics - 

it tears even more.  Total destruction.



CUT TO:







INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  CORRIDOR - DAY.                           





BEAN Hurries down the corridor with his pseudo-trolley again, and a 

vaguely mad look on his face.  He spots ANNIE at a drinks machine.  She 

smiles sweetly (here comes her man) BEAN takes a sharp left into an 

adjacent corridor.  ANNIE is hurt.



ANNIE

True love can be very hard.



CUT TO:



INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  THE WRONG ROOM - DAY



Close on the double doors (identical to those of the Whistler Room) 

BEAN enters with the Painting, under the



64



cloth. He closes the doors and rests a moment to catch his breath.  He 

takes a step into the room and freezes.



The very fat 'Diet Club, people are seated at easels, paint brushes 

poised.  The very THIN WOMAN is standing in the centre of the room in 

her underwear with a Greek urn perched on her shoulder.  All eyes are 

on BEAN, who exits very quickly.



CUT TO:



INT.  INNER SANCTUM.  WHISTLER ROOM DAY.



BEAN gets back to the right rooms and closes the door desperately 

behind him.



He stands frozen for a second - and at that moment, a hand tries the 

door.  BEAN leaps at it and stops. the handle turning.  Then there's a 

knock.  BEAN moves the big table in front of the door - he's 

barricading himself in.  There's a famous Rodin sculpture in there - he 

shoves it along to block, the door as well.  When he's succeeded, he 

leans hot and sweaty against it - and a door on the other side of the 

room calmly opens and .... DAVID walks in.



DAVID

Seems to be a problem with the door.(PAUSE) Where's the picture gone?



BEAN

Ahm.....



DAVID

What?  What?



Pause.  Pause.  BEAN finally shows it.  Not a pretty sight.



DAVID

Oh Jesus.  Oh God.  Oh Jesus God.  Oh Mary Mother of Jesus. Oh Jesus of 

Nazareth.



BEAN

oh dear.



DAVID

What happened?!!!



BEAN

Ahm.... (setting himself up for an interesting, comprehensive answer).



65



DAVID

Don't bother (panicking) Oh my god.....



He rushes to the door he just came in - and locks it.



Wait a minute - why am I worrying about this? I did it.  I just go out 

and tell them what happened - you're a madman from England and you did 

this terrible thing and it's not my fault.  That's right, isn't it?



BEAN nods, knowing he deserves his doom.



Perfect - and then they say - who left him alone with the picture?" And 

I say - "me".  And they say "you're fired".  And I say ' right'.  And 

so I get fired and you go to jail and no one's any happier.



BEAN shakes his head.



And then they say, "firing David isn't enough - let's prosecute him for 

negligence.  And they prosecute me and it turns out I was negligent and 

I go to jail, and my wife leaves me and my daughter becomes a 

prostitute and I end up on Death Row sharing a cell with Butch McDick, 

the infamous gay rapist - or worse, I end up in the same cell as you!



BEAN looks hurt.



No, no...Now, let's just be calm let's think about this calmly. (he 

tries - and fails ... ) Oh Godigodigod!  Okay, now wait.  Let's have 

another look at it.



BEAN shows it to him.



Jesus!!!  I'm already thinking back to 5 minutes ago as paradise. 5 

minutes ago - just walking along, shooting the breeze with my old pal 

Bernie.



BEAN then he has a brilliant idea.  He hangs the painting back up in 

the security cupboard and closes the doors.  Then he removes from his 

pocket a small note book.



66







He scribbles something on it, tears the page out, licks it and sticks 

it on the cupboard door. It reads 'OUT OF ORDER'. 







DAVID

Brilliant.  Brilliant. Problem solved!



BEAN is delighted. 



Apart from the tiny drawback that the first person who opens the 

cupboard will say -"Look, someone's totally destroyed Whistler's 

Mother- let's kill them". 



BEAN is less delighted.



No - the most important thing is tbat no-one sees it.

Ever again!



He locks the cupboard with his plastic card key-



That's the first thing.  Then ... that's the first thing.... Next ... 

next is the next thing which is... obviously... ritual suicide.  Look, 

let's get out of here.  Try to act natural.



The let themselves out and go into the corridor- BEAN acting his 

version of 'natural' - very liquid. 



CUT TO:







INT.  CORRIDOR.  DAY-



They bump straight into GRIERSON and ELMER.



GRIERSON

Ah, David.  Showing Dr. Bean our good lady?



BEAN

Actually I'm not a...



DAVID

That's right - Whistler's Mother. Looking at his mother - not his 

father - not interested in his father, Couldn't give a flying doughnut 

for his sisters or brothers - just his mother. Yes. 





GRIERSON

Well, good - think I may go and look at her myself... 

	



67





DAVID

No!



GRIERSON

Er ... pray tell me why?



ELMER

Because they've just cut her into tiny pieces, sir.  That's why.



BEAN and DAVID die and go to hell until ELMER laughs at his own little 

joke.  GRIERSON laughs too.



ELMER

I better continue my rounds, sir..



He strolls away.



DAVID

The thing is, sir, I've just been giving the painting a very thorough 

inspection, with the help of Dr Bean here - and we feel the time's come 

for Whistler's Mum to have her first face-lift.



GRIERSON

Time taken its toll on the old girl, eh?



DAVID

Exactly.  She's in a surprisingly terrible state.  Isn't she, Bean?



BEAN

Oh yes.



DAVID

Whistler was a great painter, but he wasn't a great chooser of paints 

....



BEAN hudders at the thought of his paint-choosing.



The colours are beginning to fade.  However ~ if you give me just one 

little year I can restore the picture to its original glory, the way it 

looked when Whistler's Mom first looked at it and said.... 0 Actually 

I'm not sure you've got the hair right, darling." By the way, your hair 

is looking great today, sir.



68



GRIERSON

Thank you David.  However, flattery will get you nowhere.  Truth is, I 

have a rather different plan for Whistler's dear Mama.  Bernie and I 

have been inspecting our books - and the long and short of it is, we 

cannot survive with our current losses, so ...



DAVID

... you have to sack me.  I understand, sir.  I'll go quietly.  In fact 

I'll go right now.



GRIERSON

No. no, no, hold on ... We cant sustain our loses - so I've decided.. 

to sell Whistler's Mother.



DAVID lets out a little yelp.



GRIERSON

Brilliant, huh?  I already have a prospective buyer - the current 

Governor of California, no less, who is flies in tomorrow to inspect 

her and clinch the deal.  Spread the news.  I think decisive leadership 

has done the trick, don't you?



DAVID

Yes, sir.  Yes, sir.  Congratulations. Marvellous thing.  Bravo.



GRIERSON leaves.  DAVID turns to BEAN.



DAVID

Bean.  Do you drink?



BEAN shakes his head.



DAVID

Neither do I.



CUT TO:





INT.  BAR - NIGHT



It is very late and very gloomy.  Just a couple of loners staring into 

their drinks.  The BARTENDER is up one end of the counter, smoking and 

reading the sports pages.  There is a T.V. on above the bar, showing 

baseball.



69



BEAN and DAVID are sitting up at the bar.  The latter has had far too 

much whisky and looks the worse for it.  BEAN has a tall glass packed 

with fruit and paper umbrellas.  We can guess how much he's had to 

drink by the way he has difficulty finding the straw with his mouth.  

DAVID almost, but not quite, slurs his words:



DAVID

It's just a matter of acceptance, isn't it ... lose your job - lose you 

wife ... C'est la vie.  You ever been married, Bean?



He turns to BEAN who has the end of a straw up his nose.



DAVID

I guess not.



He fills his glass from a bottle.



You know, I don't get it.  The New Artist exhibition-this year - people 

might not all have liked the dead sheep, but ... the place didn't look 

that empty to me.  It wasn't full but I saw people.  I just don't 

understand how the gallery can be so bankrupt they have to sell the 

Whistler.



He looks at BEAN who now has peanuts in each nostril.  

DAVID notices the BARTENDER looking at BEAN strangely ....



DAVID

He's English, okay?  You wanna make something of it?



BARTENDER goes back to reading.  DAVID searches for his last train of 

thought, taking a huge swig from his drink.



DAVID

... To hell with the figures.  I'm not a damn accountant.  I'm an 

artist. You know, me and Ali met in art school?  I cut quite a figure 

then.  Far cry from the man you see before you now.  Then, I smoked 

Gitanes before I went to bed, to help me sort out the problems of the 

world.  Now, I take a spoonful of laxative before I go to bed to help 

me sort out the problem with my bowels.



70





BEAN at that moment is keen to show DAVID his nut trick.  He throws a 

peanut high into the air - and catches it in his mouth.  Then does two.  

Then does it with his eyes closed.  Actually, it's rather impressive.



DAVID

Truth is, I disappointed her.  I turned out to have no spine.  

Spineless.  A kind of medical miracle.  Mr Flippy-Floppy.  I just don't 

seem to be able to fight - cant stick up for myself.  Too nice.  I 

mean, I should never have let you come stay and I should be handing you 

over to the police right now.  Shall I tell you something, Beanie ...



Bean has been interested all this, even looking to check whether David 

does indeed have no spine.  But now the baseball on the TV is making it 

hard for him to concentrate on-this important confidence.  He raises a 

finger, for DAVID to be quiet for a second.  He blows a peanut from 

his, nostril at the T.V. - it hits the button, and changes station to a 

pleasant quiet-music station.



DAVID

Do you want to know what the reality of the situation is?



BEAN nods his head, very curious, listening hard.



This is it.  Because you moved into my house, my wife has left me.  She 

might have done it anyway - but you were the ten ton weight that broke 

the camel's spinal column.



BEAN stares at DAVID - something is getting in he's actually 

registering this.



That's point one.  And point two - is that you've destroyed Whistler's 

Mother, which was' the last hope for the place where I work.  So within 

a week, I'm going to lose my job as well.



BEAN nods, seriously dispirited.



71



DAVID

So, you've totally and utterly destroyed my life.  Do you understand?  

You've put me in a position where it would have been better if I'd 

never been born.



He puts his hand on BEAN'S shoulder.  BEAN looks down.



Very sad.  This is actually the first time in his life that he's 

realised that his actions have really effected the life of another 

person.  BEAN looks up sadly.  Sad music plays.



CUT TO:





INT.  LEARY HOUSE.  DAVID'S ROOM - NIGHT



DAVID is asleep in bed.  The camera moves out into the hall and into 

BEAN's room.





INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  BEAN'S ROOM- NIGHT.



BEAN is lying, fully dressed, in the darkness, on his back.  Thinking.  

Worried by what he's heard.  Then suddenly an idea comes into his eyes.  

The music is like his brain He jumps off the bed.



There follows a version of the classic tooling up for action sequence.  

But the 'tools' here are distinctly bizarre.  BEAN picks up his 

suitcase, and in quick cuts, rushes through the house and collects....



DAVID'S PLASTIC KEY CARD

A PAIR OF Y-FRONTS



A TORCH.

SOME OF KEVIN'S CHEWING GUM. 6 EGGS

A COOKING BASIN

A CUP

A LARGE PAINT BRUSH

A BOTTLE OF CLEAR NAIL VARNISH DAVID'S LARGE TIN OF LAXATIVE.  A HAIR 

DRIER

AN ACTION MAN DOLL

A POSTER OF THE GIRL AND HER BOTTOM WITH THE TENNIS BALL.



TWO OVEN GLOVES

A SKATEBOARD

AND 4 VOLUMES OF THE ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITANNICA.

Fully tooled, he snaps the suitcase shut.

CUT TO:





72





EXT.  GALLERY.  NIGHT.



The building is floodlit by ground spots.



BEAN arrives silently, with suitcase, on the skateboard.  Soon his full 

plan will be revealed.  The Gallery is empty, apart from the one 

Security Guard, BUCK, visible through the glass front of the building, 

drinking coffee, watching his 12 security monitors.  BEAN swallows at 

the sight of BUCK - he is a massive gorilla of a man.



CUT TO:





INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  RECEPTION - NIGHT.



BUCK is casually watching his screens, when suddenly, horror of horror, 

the huge silhouette of a person hanging .themselves from a tree outside 

appears, the shadow of the limp body thrown across the floodlit gallery 

wall.  BUCK frantically rushes out.  And BEAN subtly slips in.



CUT TO:





EXT.  GRIERSON GALLERY - NIGHT.



BUCK is looking for the body amongst the trees.  He finds nothing.  

Because he fails to notice the tiny ACTION MAN swinging gently in front 

of one of the ground-level floodlights.



CUT TO:





INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY - NIGHT'.



Inside, BEAN is casually pouring the entire contents of DAVID's large 

laxative tin into BUCK's coffee.  He also swaps two keys on the board 

of keys by the desk.  He then takes the opportunity to put the oven 

gloves on his feet, one shaped like a pig, one like a crocodile, so he 

can move silently.



BUCK returns.  He sits down, and takes a long gulp of coffee.  Pause.  

BEAN watches.  BUCK feels something uncomfortable in his stomach.  He 

takes a key from his rack of keys, and sets off and rounds a corner- On 

a monitor screen, BEAN watches him break into a canter - as he passes 

through another monitor BUCK is at full sprint.  BEAN giggles.



BEAN is satisfied he'll be uninterrupted for a while.  He goes to the 

key-rack, borrows two keys, and sets off on his mission.  The next 3 

minutes of film are a sequence of cuts between three scenarios:



73





FIRST: BUCK - his next 10 minutes are not happy ones.  When he reaches 

the toilet, the key he chose does not unlock it.  He has to sprint 

back, grab all the keys, and charge back again to the door.  Then he 

has to try out every single key.  We never see him find the right one.



SECOND scenario - all the activities of the night shown on the security 

monitors.  BUCK sprinting desperately through shot - BEAN casually 

going about his business and, on one occasion, BUCK running right past 

BEAN, but not seeing him - he has other things on his mind.



THIRD scenario - we actually see BEAN's Big Plan.



He unlocks the merchandise shop.  So he can see properly and have his 

hands free, he puts the y-fronts on his head, and wedges the torch into 

them, like a head-lamp.  He then takes a poster of Whistler's Mother 

and replaces it with the rolled-up Tennis Ball Girl.  He unrolls the 

Whistler and places the 4 encyclopaedias on its corners to hold it 

down.



He separates the yokes from the eggs, mixes the whites with clear nail 

varnish and varnishes the-poster with it.  Dries it off with the hair 

drier.



,With the now stiff poster, he heads up elevators and escalators to get 

to the Whistler Room itself, all the time chewing gum frantically.  

Once there, he unlocks the final cupboard with David's plastic key, 

takes the Whistler down and removes the destroyed Mother from its 

gilded frame, and its wooden support frame.  He uses the chewed gum to 

stick the new one down to the old frame.



He then puts the very convincing forgery back into the security 

cupboard and relocks it with DAVID's key card.



The job is done.  He scrunches up the old, torn picture, pops it in a 

dustbin, and heads off.



CUT TO:



EXT. STREET.  NIGHT-



BEAN zipping along on the skate board with his suitcase.



CUT TO:



INT.  GRIERSON GALLERY.  UTILITY ROOM - NIGHT.



BUCK, trouserless, is sitting, reading a newspaper next to a noisy 

washing machine.



CUT TO:



74





INT.  THE LEARY HOUSE.  BEAN'S ROOM.  NIGHT.  KITCHEN - DAY



BEAN lies back in bed with quiet satisfaction.



CUT TO:





INT.  DAVID'S ROOM.  MORNING.



DAVID wakes with a violent start.



DAVID

0 my God. Tell it vas a dream.



The door swings open.  It is Bean with a tray of coffee and toast.



BEAN

Morning.





DAVID

It wasn't a dream, was it.  I have to go in to work and tell them 

Whistler's Mother now looks like Danny De Vito.



BEAN

Well, Ahm....



He laughs cheerily.



DAVID

What?



CUT TO:





INT.  DAVID'S CAR.



Bean is still chuckling.



CUT TO:





INT.  GALLERY.  CORRIDOR.



Still highly amused, BEAN guides DAVID in the direction of Whistler's 

Room.  David takes out his key to open the room - but the door swings 

open.  DAVID is shocked.  There stands GRIERSON, looking straight at 

Whistler's Mum.  In all its untorn, unsmudged, undestroyed glory.



75



GRIERSON

I think you're wrong, David.  She looks as fine as she's ever looked.  

Worth every cent of the 10 million dollar-s.



DAVID

Ahm....



GRIERSON

Bravo.  Let's put on a good show tomorrow, shall we?  Don't want 

anything to go wrong.



DAVID

Quite right, sir.



Grierson leaves.  David gets close to the painting and peers ....



DAVID

Wait a minute.



BEAN just puts his finger to his mouth...



BEAN

Ssshhhh.



He lets out a hug smile - he can solve the problems of the world, as 

well as create them.





INT. THE LEARY HOUSE. HALL- SATURDAY



JENNIFER skips down t-he stairs, carrying a trendy duffel bag, just as 

DAVID enters from the kitchen.



JENNIFER

Bye, Dad.



DAVID

Ah ... Jennifer, I need you to watch Kevin.  Jen?



But JENNIFER has already reached the front door ....



JENNIFER

Be serious, Dad.  It's Saturday.



She exits.



CUT TO:



76





EXT.  THE LEARY HOUSE - DAY



JENNIFER is heading down the path.  DAVID runs out of the house and 

catches up with her.



DAVID

Jen, you have to help me here!  I've got to go in to work, and with 

your mom away ... I really need you.



A powerful motorbike turns into the drive at speed and skids round to 

face the opposite direction.  JENNIFER runs over to it. The bike's 

rider turns off his engine and removes his helmet.  It is STINGO, the 

white Rasta from the airport, with the hair extensions and the sixty 

rings in his nose.



STINGO

(to DAVID) 

You.



He hands JENNIFER a helmet.



JENNIFER

Don't worry, Dad.  I'll be home. Monday, after school.



BEAN and KEVIN arrive at DAVID's side to spectre.



KEVIN

Hey, En, nice bike'- but remember: any kids you have are gonna look 

just like its handsome driver.



DAVID

(angry now)

Jennifer!  This is not - repeat, not! how we do things in this family.  

I've told you never to get on one of those death traps!  Please - talk 

to me.  I promise to be reasonable.



JENNIFER has put on the helmet and is climbing onto the back of the 

bike.



JENNIFER

Great, Dad.  You promised you'd get rid of him! (points at Bean) And as 

for: "how we do things in this family. We don't have a family till you 

get Mom back.



77



She slaps STINGO on the shoulder.  STINGO kicks the starter lever.  

Nothing.  Again.  Nothing ...





JENNIFER

Come on Sting!



KEVIN

Sting?!  Sounds like something you put on a rash.



STINGO is still kicking the starter.  DAVID is desperate.



DAVID

Don't just stand there, Bean - do something.



BEAN instantly takes on the hero's mantle and runs to the bike.  DAVID 

is not far behind him.  STINGO is still trying to kick start it.  BEAN 

takes out a small screwdriver and twiddles with something on the 

engine.



The bike sparks into life and does a wheelie before speeding out of the 

drive and down the road.  BEAN stands, hands on hips, looking very-

pleased with himself indeed.



DAVID

To BEAN ) Right!  Right!  You get inside and look after Kevin! (not 

such a good idea) Uh --- Right!  Kevin.  You get inside and look after 

... uh... (that would be a worse idea) Right!  Get in the car!  Both of 

you.  Jesus!



CUT TO:



INT.  THE GRIERSON GALLERY.  RECEPTION AREA - DAY



DAVID, BEAN and KEVIN at the reception desk.



ANNIE

So, Kevin.  How's it going?



KEVIN

Badly.  You wanna adopt me?



ANNIE smiles cutely at BEAN.  DAVID is still rattled.





ANNIE

Big day today, huh?

78



DAVID

Uh ... yes ...



DAVID looks askance at BEAN.  BERNIE hurries up and takes DAVID to one 

side.



BERNIE

Great day.  At last we can start getting out of debt and concentrating 

on the future.



DAVID

Yes, look, I wanted to talk to you about this.  I'm sure we haven't 

been doing as badly as all that.



BERNIE

You're an innocent and an optimist David - that's why I love you. (he 

hugs him and laughs).  Jesus - what a terrible tie- Come on, the 

Governor's coming at 3. And before then I have a little surprise for 

you and the Boss.



DAVID calls to ANNIE.



DAVID

Annie ... would you look after Kevin? And Kevin - you look after Bean.



He heads off with BERNIE.  Back at the counter.  BEAN, KEVIN & ANNIE.



KEVIN

My Dad told me all about you.



ANNIE

Did he now?



KEVIN

He says you've got a babe count of ten out of ten, and a brain cell 

count of about two and a half.



ANNIE

Yeah, I'll go with that.  I'm kinda, like, dumb, intellectually. (to 

Bean) But I'm great in bed.



BEAN is unsettled by this.  He gives a shudder and heads for the 

gallery.



79





KEVIN

Catch you later, babe.(goes after Bean) Come on, Beanie - there must be 

a computer here somewhere.  I hate paintings.  They don't do anything.



CUT TO:



INT.  GRIERSON'S OFFICE.  DAY.



BERNIE, DAVID and GRIERSON.  BERNIE looks very confident at a computer 

monitor.  A painting is in fact 'doing' something, on the computer 

screen, as the girls in a Toulouse-Lautrec painti