英语剧本《超时空恋爱》
时间:2007-10-27 21:58:58来源: 作者:
Blast from the Past (1999)
by Bill Kelly and Hugh Wilson.
by Bill Kelly and Hugh Wilson.
FADE IN:
SCENE 1 OMITTED
EXT. SAN FERNANDO VALLEY - NIGHT
OPEN on a MOVING WIDE SHOT of a mountain range with the
distant lights of the San Fernando Valley behind it.
BEGIN CREDITS as a NAVY JET drops down into the picture.
PUSH IN on the jet's exhaust flame. Have the words "THE
BLAST" come out of the flame. Then there is a SLIGHT
EXPLOSION and the flame intensifies. The words "FROM THE
PAST" jump out of the exhaust as the jet momentarily
shakes.
INT. JET
The PILOT feels the jet shake. But he looks at his
indicators and everything appears to be normal. He
relaxes.
EXT. JET
We begin with a WIDER REAR SHOT of the jet and allow the
plane to move away. Then SUPER: "LOS ANGELES, 1962"
before continuing the main titles. A popular recording
from that period has been playing throughout.
EXT. CALVIN'S WORK SHOP - NIGHT
Start on a CU of the HAM RADIO ANTENNA, WIND GAUGE and
THERMOMETER attached to the roof of Calvin's shop. (We
can hear military air traffic chatter on Calvin's
Hallicrafter radio.) Then move down to the window where
we see CALVIN Webber tinkering with a gadget at his work
bench. Calvin's very pregnant wife HELEN appears. The
music becomes source.
HELEN
For Pete's sake, Calvin! We've got
guests!
CALVIN
Sorry, honey! I just got to fooling
with this darn rheostat.
HELEN
Well, put it down and come in!
CALVIN
You bet, hon!
They exit the workshop for the house. Calvin has left
the ham radio on.
NAVY PILOT (ON
RADIO)
Tower, Wolf One is five miles from the
overhead.
TOWER (ON RADIO)
Wolf One, Tower. Report the numbers.
You're number one for the overhead.
NAVY PILOT (ON
RADIO)
Wolf one.
INT. COCKPIT OF JET - SAME TIME
The YOUNG PILOT looks down at the flashing red light on
his control panel. He speaks into the oxygen mask that
hangs loosely from his helmet.
PILOT
Tower. Wolf One. I've got a problem
here.
TOWER (OC)
Say your problem, Wolf One. Are you
declaring an emergency?
PILOT
Stand by. One.
INT. DINING ROOM
DAVE, BETTY, BOB, and RUTH (30's) pass around the buffet
table. Another period song is playing on the phonograph.
BETTY
Just remember: don't mention the
communists!
DAVE
Calvin's a great guy, but he's a
little, you know...
BETTY
Nutty.
RUTH
What's his wife like?
BETTY
Oh, you know, housewife.
DAVE
Likes to cook. Pregnant.
RUTH
Normal, then.
BETTY
Well, I wouldn't go that far.
(then)
Helen!
Helen has entered from the kitchen with more food. She
favors June Allison.
HELEN
Hi, Betty! Dave!
BETTY
Just look at you!
HELEN
Any day now!
BETTY
This is my sister and her husband.
HELEN
Oh, hi! Welcome!
INT. LIVING ROOM
Calvin is using a cocktail shaker to very carefully make
Rob Roys for the crowd at the bar. It's like watching a
chemist at work. Calvin's a pipe-smoker.
CALVIN
So anyhow this duck says to the clerk,
"I'd like to buy this lip balm." And
the clerk says, "Will that be cash or
a check?" And the duck says, "Just
put it on my bill!"
Polite laughter follows, but the guy out of Calvin's
sight-line rolls his eyes.
ANGLE - DAVE AND BOB
with drinks. Helen is in the b.g., rushing around, over-
serving everyone.
DAVE
He was the golden-boy professor at Cal
Tech. But then he starts inventing
things.
BOB
What kind of things?
DAVE
You got me. Some kind of special
synthetic rubber. And some kind of
automated machine. Anyhow, suddenly
he gets rich. I mean rich! And quits
teaching.
ANGLE - CALVIN
as his guests sample their Rob Roys.
CALVIN
How's that?
GUEST
Just what the doctor ordered!
Calvin gives the man his patented thumbs-up sign.
ANGLE - BETTY AND RUTH
over by the patio doors. We can see Calvin's shop through
the window.
BETTY
With all his money they could have
moved to Beverly Hills, but they
decided to stay in the Valley. Calvin
spends all his time tinkering out
there in his workshop. If you ask me
it's all very strange.
WOMAN GUEST #1
(chiming in)
He dug a huge hole out there for a
swimming pool. Then he decided he
didn't want it and filled the thing
in. And what's that big, high fence
for?
The women look at Calvin.
ANGLE - CALVIN
with guests (one is called Harold) at the bar.
CALVIN
There currently exists a type of neon
light that lasts five years. But you
won't see it on the market. Same is
true of batteries. I could take your
simple yacht battery and rig it to
last a decade, easily.
HAROLD
Well, what the heck kind of a
marketing system can't get great new
products like that out to the public?
CALVIN
(intense)
A veeeery good one, Harold. Free
market capitalism may not be a perfect
order, but it's the best we've got, or
will ever have. And why? Three
reasons!
Poor Harold.
INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Most of the guests are women, gabbing and helping Helen
out as she removes a pot roast from the oven and busily
jumps around the kitchen.
WOMAN GUEST #2
Say, Helen? What does Calvin think
about this trouble down in Cuba?
HELEN
(rolling her eyes)
Oh, please don't bring that up!
EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT, MOMENTS LATER
A late guest named RON hurries up the walkway and into
the house.
SCENE 8 OMITTED
INT. LIVING ROOM - A SECOND LATER
Calvin is with another guest.
CALVIN
I'd say my baseball card collection is
as complete as any one I've ever seen.
Ron pushes his way through the crowd.
RON
Calvin! Hey, Calvin!
(pointing over his shoulder)
Kennedy's going toe-to-toe with
Khrushchev on the television!
Calvin immediately heads for the family room. Others
follow.
INT. FAMILY ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Everyone is huddled around the JFK TV press conference.
There seems to be a lot of smokers. Helen appears
shortly, wearing a hot pad mitten on each hand.
JFK
...this sudden, clandestine decision
to station strategic weapons for the
first time outside of Soviet soil, is
a deliberately provocative and
unjustified change in the status quo
which cannot be accepted by this
country.
Calvin cuts a knowing look at Helen who dutifully returns
it.
EXT. JET - NIGHT
The plane swoops over the Valley and we see the
spectacular lights of L.A. sprawl. There is a TRAIL OF
SPARKS coming from the jet's engine.
INT. JET COCKPIT
The plane is shaking terribly and the pilot is having a
very hard time controlling it.
TOWER
Wolf One -- say intentions.
PILOT
I've got secondaries of an engine fire
and I'll need to find a clear area to
eject.
TOWER
Roger, Wolf One. Can you make it to
the ocean?
EXT. JET
The trembling plane circles to the west.
INT. FAMILY ROOM
Return to TV.
JFK
...we will not prematurely or
unnecessarily risk the cost of
worldwide nuclear war, in which even
the fruits of victory would be ashes
in our mouth. But neither will we
shrink from the risk at any time it
must be faced.
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT/ EXT. HOUSE, MOMENTS LATER
To Helen's embarrassment, Calvin is ushering all the
guests to the front door. Helen is passing out hats and
purses. She and Calvin speak simultaneously - somewhere
in the middle we cut outside.
CALVIN
I'm sorry everyone, but given this
extraordinary turn of events, I think
it's prudent that we cut the evening
short. I'm sure this Cuban thing will
resolve itself, but in the
meantime...I'd suggest taking a
prayerful watch-and-wait stance!
HELEN
We'll do this again! Maybe next week.
Here's your hat. Could I wrap
something up for you? Did you have a
coat?
Helen can barely get a "good night" out before Calvin
shuts the door.
ANGLE - DAVE AND BOB
Following their wives out.
DAVE
(sotto to Bob)
What'd I tell ya?!
Bob whistles softly. Calvin's a nut all right.
INT. FRONT DOOR
Calvin turns to Helen, a grave expression on his face.
CALVIN
It's time.
HELEN
(misinterpreting, holding her
stomach)
Time? Oh, no Calvin. It's not time
yet. I still have--
He points down.
HELEN (cont'd)
Oh, that time! You know Calvin, I'm
not sure I'm really ready for this.
CALVIN
On the contrary, I think we're the
only ones who are.
He leads her out of shot.
HELEN (OC)
Calvin I'm sure everything's going to
be all right. I just know it is!
EXT. BACKYARD - MOMENTS LATER
Calvin and Helen leave the house; cross the patio; and
hurry to the shop. Back in the house, the record player
has been left on: "How Much Is That Doggie In The
Window...?" Helen is carrying the pot roast which is
wrapped in foil.
HELEN
Well, I'm certainly not going to let
the pot roast go to waste. Could you
just put that seat cover back on that
lawn chair?
He does.
HELEN (cont'd)
Shouldn't we at least turn off the
phonograph?
CALVIN
It shuts off automatically.
HELEN
Did you rig it to do that? You're so
clever.
CALVIN
No. They all do.
HELEN
I never know anymore.
The SOUND OF THE TRAINER JET makes a low pass over
Calvin's house. Calvin sticks his head out the door and
looks up.
CALVIN
I bet that's a fighter jet on his way
to Key West! Good luck, amigo!
INT. WORKSHOP
They enter. The place is full of tools and gadgets--
mostly construction equipment. The ham radio is still on.
TOWER
An emergency has been declared. I
repeat, an emergency has been
declared.
Calvin and Helen speak over the Tower who is telling
other aircraft in the vicinity to clear the area.
CALVIN
You hear that?!
HELEN
Yes.
Calvin unplugs the radio and quickly wraps the cord.
CALVIN
We can listen to the rest downstairs!
He pushes aside a table that is hiding a hatch in the
floor and unlocks it by turning the hatch's wheel. Then
he opens the hatch and reaches inside to turn on a light.
Red submarine light shines up from below. All the while
he and Helen are chatting:
HELEN
Calvin, I wish you would have at least
let me do the dishes. It's not going
to be that easy getting all that dried-
on food off my nice plates.
CALVIN
I just hope those plates aren't
radioactive by tomorrow morning.
HELEN
Cheese is particularly troublesome.
CALVIN
Worse than your Kraft Holiday dip?
HELEN
Oh, much worse. But not as bad as that
Mexican Jumping Bean dip. You remember
that?
CALVIN
Yeah, yeah. Okay. Give me the roast
and watch your step. I'll come back
for the radio.
She steps into the hatch and onto a ladder.
INT. JET - NIGHT
The young pilot is bouncing around the now smokey
cockpit.
PILOT
Tower, say again!!
TOWER
The SAR HELO is airborne with you in
sight.
PILOT
I'm marking the 180 radial for five
and ejecting.
TOWER
Roger, Wolf One.
The pilot rights the plane; points the joy stick; and
reaches for the ejection handles between his legs.
EXT. JET
The pilot ejects.
INT. EMPTY COCKPIT
This is the pilot's POV (were there a pilot.) We see the
coastline and we notice that the plane is making a... U-
turn, away from the water and back towards the Valley.
EXT. JET
Streaking back to the Valley with a dramatic tail of
sparks.
EXT. THE PARACHUTING PILOT
He notices that his plane is headed directly at him. It
misses him by a matter of yards.
INT. LADDER - CONTINUOUS
Taking the liberty of a CUTAWAY SECTION, we follow them
down the ladder which is inside a corrugated metal tube.
On either side of the tube we see layers of dirt.
HELEN
How long will we have to stay down
here?
CALVIN
I don't know. For this thing to blow
over, it could take days.
HELEN
Days??
CALVIN
Rather safe than sorry. That's my
motto!
HELEN
But, what if I go into labor? That
could happen any time.
CALVIN
I've read up on it. I'll deliver the
baby myself if I have to.
HELEN
Now you listen to me Calvin Webber,
when this baby comes, you're going to
be out in the waiting
room smoking yourself to death with
all the other fathers.
CALVIN
(chuckling)
Yes, dear!
HELEN
As long as we've got that straight.
EXT. JET - SAME TIME
It COMPLETES ITS TURN and STREAKS SKYWARD at a 90 degree
angle to the ground... until it SPUTTERS and the ENGINES
STOP. Then, after a Road Runner-like beat or two, it
begins to FALL DIRECTLY BACK TO EARTH, tail first.
INT. SMALL ANTEROOM - SAME TIME
The Webbers step off a metal ladder and face a vault-like
chrome hatchway. Calvin opens the six-inch thick door by
pushing another switch on his small box. Helen takes the
roast.
EXT. JET - NIGHT
With only the sound of wind, the jet continues to fall as
the lights of the Valley rush up to meet it.
INT. SHELTER - CONTINUOUS
They step into a darkened room.
CALVIN
(with arms spread)
Home sweet home!
HELEN
To you maybe.
Calvin flicks a wall switch and we HEAR A SERIES OF
LIGHTS COMING ON. The echoes of the sounds suggest a
large, cavernous space. All we can see is the cinder
block wall behind them and the hatch door, which Calvin
begins to shut by putting his body into it.
Just then there is a TREMENDOUS DOUBLE EXPLOSION FROM
ABOVE which knocks them to the floor. (Note: Helen hangs
on to the roast, trying her best not to drop it.) The
LADDER, CORRUGATED TUBE, ROOF, AND LOTS OR DIRT AND ROCK
BEGIN TO CRASH DOWN INTO THE ANTEROOM. Calvin struggles
to his feet and gets the vault door shut just in the nick
of time.
HELEN
What was that?!
CALVIN
Are you all right?!
Hanging on to the roast she nods vigorously, trying to be
brave.
HELEN
Yes, I think so.
Calvin hurries to a bright RED METAL BOX on the wall.
Next to the box is a LARGE THERMOMETER OR GAUGE that's
labeled "Radiation Count." There are OTHER GAUGES that
are dropping to zero.
CALVIN
Oh, no! It's happened! Look at that
heat!! All my surface indicators are
knocked out! Oh, my Lord...it's
actually happened!!
INTER CUT - CU OF BOX AND THERMOMETER
The box has a dial on it, next to which is a large lever.
A foreboding sign reads HATCHWAY TIME LOCKS, USE EXTREME
CAUTION. Calvin pulls the lever.
BACK TO SCENE
The chrome and steel EXIT HATCHWAY AUTOMATICALLY LOCKS
with great noise, precision and...finality. There is the
SOUND OF A REAR DOOR doing the same thing.
HELEN
What's that noise?
CALVIN
The locks.
HELEN
The locks?
CALVIN
To keep us from trying to leave. After
an atomic blast there's a radiation
half-life that lasts thirty five
years.
HELEN
Thirty -five years!
CALVIN
Then after that it's safe.
HELEN
It's safe.
She continues to stare at him.
CALVIN
To go up.
HELEN
To go up.
She continues to stare at him.
CALVIN
(confidently)
Hey, honey. Don't you worry. We're
going to be just fine.
Helen bursts into tears.
EXT WEBBER PATIO - DAY
Two police detectives, LEVY and ATKINSON, exit the house.
Uniformed workers carefully carry small pieces of the jet
from the crash site. The detectives lead us to what's
left of Calvin's shop. It's mostly a charred crater.
LEVY
According to Caltech, this Webber guy
was a bonafide genius and a borderline
nutcase.
ATKINSON
Well, he and Mrs. Nutcase must have
been out here when the plane hit.
LEVY
Unless we get a postcard or somethin',
that's my guess.
ATKINSON
What about relatives?
LEVY
All back East.
ATKINSON
The neighbors over there said the guy
spent day and night out here. She'd
bring him sandwiches and hot Dr.
Pepper.
LEVY
He drank it hot?
ATKINSON
Yeah.
LEVY
Good god.
ATKINSON
Yeah.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - SAME TIME (12 HOURS AFTER BLAST)
Helen awakes alone and still dressed. She sits up and
trys the phone on the night table. It is dead. She hangs
up and exits.
INT. KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM/PATIO
Calvin is making sandwiches from the pot roast. Two empty
Doctor Pepper bottles sit next to the stove where Calvin
is heating the soda. He sees Helen enter the livingroom.
CALVIN
Hi, honey! Feeling better?
HELEN
No.
CALVIN
We have to be strong, sweetheart. If
not for ourselves, for the child.
HELEN
All our friends...
He enters with her sandwich and a cup of Dr. Pepper.
CALVIN
Burnt to a crisp.
(indicating sandwiches)
I've given you the most well-done cut.
HELEN
I'm not hungry.
CALVIN
Hot Dr. Pepper! Your favorite!
HELEN
(leaving)
No, Calvin, you're favorite.
CALVIN
Really?
She walks out onto the patio. She rubs her arms as if
cold.
CALVIN
A bit chilly? Shouldn't be.
Temperature's a nice 73 degrees.
He follows her out to the patio.
HELEN
Maybe I've just got the creeps.
CALVIN
How could you?! This is just like
home!
A reverse angle shows for the first time the rest of the
fallout shelter -- which looks very different from
"home". Perhaps she starts to cry again.
HELEN
No. No! Calvin, this is different!
Believe me!
CALVIN
Would you like a tranquilizer?
HELEN
You have tranquilizers?
CALVIN
I told you! I've got everything!
Helen groans in pain.
HELEN
Oh, no.
CALVIN
What?
HELEN
Uh, oh. Now it's time.
CALVIN
Honey?
SCENE 29B OMITTED
SCENE 29C OMITTED
SCENE 29D OMITTED
SCENE 29E OMITTED
INT. VERY WIDE OF THE SHELTER - HOURS LATER
We can only hear Adam's entrance into the world. There is
Helen's pain, followed by Adam's cry, followed by
Calvin's rejoicing.
CALVIN (OC)
The first child to be born on earth
after the annihilation!!
INT. SHELTER - DAYS LATER
SUPER: SEVERAL DAYS LATER
Start on the record player in the living room. The
country and western classic "Hey, Good Looking" is
spinning.
OMIT SCENE 30
INT. SHELTER, BATTERY ROOM - SAME TIME
Calvin walks through checking things over; pleased by
what he sees. He exits. ("Hey Good Looking" continues.)
INT. SHELTER, FISH FARM - CONTINUOUS
Calvin checks the switch he uses to control the lights.
Then he checks out all the tiny fish swimming in the six
feet by six feet tank. When he hears a baby's cry he
hurries away.(Music continues)
INT. SHELTER, MASTER BEDROOM
Calvin enters and smiles with great affection at his
family: Helen and a NEWBORN SON cradled next to her in
bed.
CALVIN
Is there a problem?
HELEN
No, Calvin. Babies cry.
CALVIN
I've noticed.
HELEN
What shall we call him?
Calvin shrugs.
HELEN (cont'd)
Well, I was thinking...in light of the
situation...that we should call him
Adam. That's not sacrilegious is it?
CALVIN
No. I think it's just right.
HELEN
And I was wondering...if...if I could
have a...
CALVIN
Yes!
HELEN
If I...you know...
CALVIN
What? Whatever you want, Helen!
She points upwards.
HELEN
I want a bedroom ceiling.
They both look up. Then he tells her.
CALVIN
You've got it!
Calvin happily gives her his patented thumbs-up sign.
A MONTAGE: 1) CALVIN , IN A LARGE SUPPLY ROOM, PICKS OUT
THE PLYWOOD HE'LL NEED FOR THE CEILINGS. ( 60'S HAPPY,
BUSY SCORE COVERS ALL THIS.)
2) HELEN, CARRIES LITTLE ADAM (THREE DAYS OLD) ONTO THE
FAKE PATIO (WITH THE PLASTIC PLANTS AND THE PLASTIC
GRASS). SHE LOOKS UP AT CALVIN WHO'S ON A LADDER
INSTALLING A CEILING.
SUPER: SEVERAL WEEKS LATER
3) IN THE FAMILY ROOM, CALVIN SHOWS HELEN HOW HE'S RIGGED
A PROJECTOR TO THROW A PICTURE ONTO THE TV SCREEN. SHE'S
THRILLED TO SEE "THE HONEYMOONERS!" MAIN TITLES COME ON.
ADAM, LYING ON A QUILT BY HELEN'S CHAIR, IS ABOUT FOUR
WEEKS OLD. (IT'S IMPORTANT HERE THAT WE SEE A 8MM FILM
BOX WITH THE "I LOVE LUCY" LOGO ON IT)
SUPER: SEVERAL MONTHS LATER
4) TOTAL DARKNESS. THEN CALVIN FLICKS A SWITCH AND A BANK
OF OVERHEAD LIGHTS COMES ON TO SIMULATE SUNLIGHT. UNDER
THE LIGHTS ARE SOIL BEDS ON WOODEN TABLES. CALVIN IS
EXCITED TO SHOW HELEN THE TINY, YOUNG CARROTS COMING UP.
HELEN HOLDS ADAM AT THREE MONTHS OLD.
SUPER: A YEAR LATER
5) IN THE DINING ROOM, HELEN IS SERVING POT ROAST AND
SOME VERY NICE LOOKING CARROTS. ADAM IS SIX MONTHS OLD.
HE WATCHES HIS PARENTS AS THEY SAY GRACE.
6) HELEN "SHOPS" FOR SUPPLIES IN THE LARGE STOREROOM.
ADAM, ONE YEAR OLD, RIDES IN THE SHOPPING CART.(1963)
7) CALVIN NETS A WIGGLING, FULLY GROWN FISH.
8) THE FAMILY WATCHES "THE HONEYMOONERS" TOGETHER. (ADAM
IS STILL ONE YEAR OLD.)
CALVIN ENJOYS HIS PIPE IN THE LIVINGROOM
9) CALVIN EXAMINES THE REAR HATCHWAY AS HELEN APPROACHES
WITH ADAM IN HER ARMS.
HELEN (OC)
Calvin?!
CALVIN
Right here!
HELEN
(arriving)
We looked all over for you. What are
you doing back here?
CALVIN
Oh, I was just examining this rear
hatchway.
HELEN
Why?
CALVIN
No reason.
(then, off her look)
Well, it's pretty clear that the front
entrance caved in when the bomb went
off. So, you know, when the time is
up, we'll have to return to the
surface using, you know, this back
entrance. Which is very nice because
it has the service elevator!
HELEN
Very nice. Unless it caved in, too.
CALVIN
Yes. Well... yes.
A sober beat, then:
CALVIN (cont'd)
You wanted to see me?
Helen nods vigorously.
HELEN
Watch this!
CALVIN
What?
She sets Adam (one year old) down on his wobbly little
legs, steadying him at the shoulders.
HELEN
Go to Daddy, Adam. Go to Daddy.
And Adam takes his first step. And then another! And
another! It's a joyous event.
CAMERA LEAVES THEM AND TRAVELS UPWARD THROUGH THE CEILING
AND THEN, AGAIN USING THE DEVICE OF A CUTAWAY, IT
CONTINUES THROUGH DIRT AND SEDIMENT ALL THE WAY UP TO THE
SURFACE-- WHERE THE BACKYARD AVOCADO TREES ARE BEING
BULLDOZED AND THE BACK FENCE HAS ALREADY BEEN TORN DOWN.
THE WEBBER HOUSE FACED A QUIET RESIDENTIAL STREET, BUT IT
BACKED ONTO VICTORY AVENUE (OR ONE OF THOSE VALLEY
AVENUES) AND IN THE LATE FIFTIES AND EARLY SIXTIES THOSE
MAIN THOROUGHFARES WENT COMMERCIAL.
A SIGN tells us that this is the future site of MOM'S
MALT SHOP."
Some WORKMEN with shovels have discovered the REAR
SHELTER DOORS where they have been digging.
WORKMAN #1
Hey, Boss!
The construction BOSS comes over for a look.
WORKMAN #1
What do you make of this?
BOSS
Damn if I know.
WORKMAN #2
I bet it's some kinda septic tank.
WORKMAN #1
I've never seen a septic tank that
looked like that.
BOSS
Well, don't fool with it. If it is a
septic tank, I sure as hell don't want
to open it. We'll just lay the
foundation over it.
WORKMAN #1
Okay.
EXT. WEBBER HOUSE, PATIO (THE REAL ONE) - DAY, SAME TIME
A Realtor steps out with A COUPLE looking to buy the
house.
REALTOR
...and since it's almost certain that
the Webbers were killed, the bank is
selling the house and that back parcel
over there that's been re-zoned
commercial. It's right there on the
avenue.
WOMAN BUYER
Is that where the plane crashed?
She points out to a LEVEL LAWN where the shop used to be.
We can see the Malt Shop construction crew beyond that.
REALTOR
Yep, right there.
MAN BUYER
This place gives me the willies.
REALTOR
Yeah, I know what you mean. But the
price is right.
EXT. BACK AT THE MALT SHOP CONSTRUCTION SIGHT -
CONTINUOUS, DAY
The guy driving the heavy front loader lets the bucket
slam to the ground hard.
INT. BACK AT THE SHELTER REAR DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Calvin vaguely hears the noise made by the front loader.
INT. SHELTER, LIVING ROOM - EVENING (1965-66)
SUPER: 1965
Calvin smokes his pipe and enjoys a Manhattan cocktail as
Adam (three and a half) sits in his lap reading the title
page from Alice in Wonderland.
ADAM
Al ice in won der lan.
Calvin smiles pridefully over at Helen who works
intensely on the couch making a coffee-can Santa from
instructions in the The Redbook Crafts Collection.
CALVIN
Not bad for a three and a half year
old! I'd like to see the public school
system match that! I don't care how
terrific it is!
HELEN
Yes, he's very bright, dear. Much like
his father. But you know, Calvin,
maybe he's a little...young for
school.
CALVIN
Nonsense. People have no idea what the
human mind is capable of. Look at us!
Helen ponders that statement.
ADAM
(pointing to the book's art
work)
Look, Daddy. Alice went down a hole,
just like us.
Calvin smiles and messes up Adam's hair.
ADAM (cont'd)
Will I ever get to go up on top?
CALVIN
Yes, you certainly will. And you'll
find a nice girl and rebuild America.
Just the way it used to be.
HELEN
Oh, Calvin, I'm not sure we should be
making promises that perhaps can't be
kept.
CALVIN
I believe there will be other
survivors. In fact, I'm guessing
there's life on the surface, even now.
It's not life worth living perhaps,
but believe me, something's moving
around up there. And I don't just mean
the cockroaches.
They both look nervously up at the ceiling.
EXT. MOM'S MALT SHOP (NOW FINISHED) - DAY (1965-66)
CARS PASS BY on the busy avenue.
INT. MOM'S MALT SHOP - CONTINUOUS
CLEAN CUT SURFER KIDS are being served their favorite ice-
cream and malt treats by MOM herself and a young SODA
JERK. Appropriate music comes from the jukebox.
MOM
I'm going to need two more banana-
splits and a cherry coke!
SODA JERK
You bet, Mom! Coming up!
Two YOUNG MEN IN BEATLE HAIRCUTS enter. Everyone looks at
them in amazement. (Perhaps there is also a record change
here.)
INT. SHELTER, CLASSROOM - DAY (65-66)
Calvin is building and furnishing a classroom from
materials available to him. He has had the forethought to
bring down the books needed for his child's education.
Little Adam is watching him.
CALVIN
(to Adam)
Nothing in the world is more fun than
learning new things.
INT. FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT
The family watches the same "Honeymooner" clip they
watched before. Calvin still finds it funny. Helen
wonders about that.
INT. BEDROOM - LATER
Helen is pouring cooking sherry into an empty Listerine
bottle.
EXT. MALT SHOP - DAY (1970-71)
SUPER: 1970
Other buildings have been constructed around the malt
shop. Foot and car traffic are heavier.
INT. MALT SHOP - SAME TIME
The clean-cut kids have been replaced by FLOWER CHILDREN.
Mom hasn't put a lot back into the decor, but she has
made concessions to the fashions of the time. The jukebox
plays something appropriate. Mom and the Jerk are five
years older.
MOM
I can't tell the boys from the girls
anymore!
SODA JERK
(stoned)
Uh...yeah. It's like hard.
Mom gives the Jerk a suspicious look.
INT. SHELTER - DAY (1970-71)
Calvin (40) is giving Adam (8) a boxing lesson. They work
from a "How To" book and use gloves made from living room
pillows. Adam's pretty good. Helen appears and watches
with pride. Then she interupts.
HELEN
Boys! Excuse me, but I believe it's my
turn.
(holding out her hand)
Adam?
He goes to her.
INT. SHELTER - MINUTES LATER
The hydroponic garden area is empty. A Perry Como song
begins and Adam and Helen enter waltzing. Adam has
changed shirts and combed his hair. Somewhere, Calvin is
watching with pride. After a while Calvin cuts in. He and
Helen dance beautifully. Then they kiss. Somewhere, Adam
is watching with pride.
INT. MALT SHOP - DAY (1975-76)
SUPER: 1975
The place continues its decline. Acid rock plays loudly.
Mom and the Jerk serve the smallish crowd.
MOM
I miss those nice flower-power kids.
How 'bout you?
SODA JERK
(after studying her for some
time)
Um...uh...
The acid rock song ends and an early, bad disco hit comes
on the jukebox.
MOM
What the hell kind of music is that?!
The Jerk puts his hands to his ears, he so hates the new
music.
SODA JERK
Oh, man. I'm like not sure I like
that.
INT. SHELTER, CLASSROOM (1975-76)
The room looks like Ricky Nelson's class. There are twin
pictures of Ike and JFK on the wall. Adam is eleven.
CALVIN
This is what money looks like. It
comes like this, in coin, or like this
in paper. Or you can have an
"investment." These are stock
"certificates" that we bought in your
name. Of course, they're worthless
now, but at one time they were quite
valuable.
ADAM
They're pretty. Can I have them?
CALVIN
Sure. Now, let's move on to our French
exam.
ADAM
Latin exam, Dad. It's Tuesday.
CALVIN
You're right! It's Tuesday already!
By gosh, time flies, doesn't it?!
ADAM
Tempus fugit!
CALVIN
En arte voluptus.
Que les bons temps roul?
ADAM
Gerade aus dann links!
CALVIN
Sorgen sie bitte dafur das die gepack
sorgfaltic behandeldt warren!
ADAM
Haben sie etuas nettes in leder?!
CALVIN
(marveling)
You know, you have a wonderful sense
of humor, son! I must say, the acorn
doesn't fall very far from the tree.
By the way, it's time I gave you
something. Come with me.
Adam follows his dad out.
INT. SHUFFLEBOARD COURT - CONTINUOUS
They pass Helen who is absentmindedly poking at the puck
with a stick. She's not having a very good day. She wears
her hair dryer but it's not plugged in.
CALVIN
Hi, honey!
HELEN
Hi.
INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Calvin hands Adam a cigar box. Adam opens it to see
Calvin's remarkable baseball card collection.
ADAM
These are wonderful.
CALVIN
It's my entire baseball collection.
It's yours now.
ADAM
What's baseball?
CALVIN
It's a game, son. I can explain it
pretty easily. There's a pitcher.
ADAM
Like a painting?
CALVIN
(chuckling)
No, son. A pitcher.
ADAM
Like one of Mom's?
CALVIN
Uh, no. There's a man who throws the
ball -- to a man who has a bat.
ADAM
The nocturnal flying mammal?
CALVIN
(slightly pissed)
No. Sit down.
They do.
INT. SHELTER - NIGHT
Start close on flashing roller skates. Then cut wider to
show Adam roller skating. He passes Helen who has fallen
asleep knitting in one of the lawn chairs. Then Adam
passes Calvin who is on a ladder soldering a leaking
ceiling pipe.
EXT. MALT SHOP - DAY (1991)
SUPER: 1991
TWO PUNKS with spiked green hair enter to the strains of
"My Sharona."
INT. MALT SHOP - DAY (1991)
Mom watches the punks enter. Then crosses to the Soda
Jerk who now has a tattoo on his forehead.
MOM
I'm selling this place. I want out of
this hell hole!
SODA JERK
Could I, like...oh, wow...like,uh...
MOM
Buy it from me?
SODA JERK
Yeah! Yeah, that's it!
MOM
I'll give it to ya, no money down.
The neighborhood has gone to hell
anyway.
She walks off.
SODA JERK
Cool.
INT. KITCHEN (1995)
SUPER: 1995
Helen has prepared a birthday cake. Having no birthday
candles, she's used three votive candles. We can hear
Calvin and Adam talking in the dining room. (She and
Calvin are now in their 60's.)
CALVIN (OC)
No, no! The runner on second goes to
third! He's out there!
ADAM (OC)
Why?
CALVIN (OC)
Because he's forced out at third! It's
a force!
ADAM (OC)
Then why go there?
CALVIN (OC)
Because he must!
HELEN
Calvin!
CALVIN (OC)
Coming!
Calvin enters.
CALVIN (cont'd)
Yes, dear?
HELEN
Get the presents and do the lights.
CALVIN
You bet.
Calvin leaves while Helen lights the candles. The whole
shelter goes dark. Calvin returns with two presents
wrapped in whatever is available.
INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Helen and Calvin enter singing Happy Birthday. We see the
ADULT ADAM for the first time in silhouette. His handsome
face is revealed to us when the cake is placed before
him.
ADAM
Thank you, Mom! Thanks, Dad!
CALVIN
Blow out the candles!
HELEN
Make a wish!
He does both. His parents clap. Helen takes one of the
presents from Calvin and gives it to Adam. He unwraps it.
It's a green coat.
ADAM
Oh, boy! A jacket!
CALVIN
Your mom made that all by herself.
ADAM
No kidding!
HELEN
No kidding.
(aside, to Calvin)
Who else would have done it?
CALVIN
And I made these!
He gives Adam the second present. Adam tears off the
paper to find a pair of roller-skates that Calvin has
redesigned. The new skates look kind of like
rollerblades.
ADAM
Holy Cow! What the heck are these?!
CALVIN
Your roller-skates! I redesigned them!
I think this new design will work even
better!
ADAM
These are really swell! I mean swell!
HELEN
What did you wish for, Adam?
CALVIN
If he tells, it won't come true!
HELEN
Oh, that's just a bunch of baloney! We
never believed that in my family!
CALVIN
Well, we did in my family!
ADAM
I wished I could meet a girl.
His parents don't have a reply for that.
HELEN
Oh. A nice one, I hope.
ADAM
Yes, ma'am.
CALVIN
One who doesn't glow in the dark.
HELEN
Calvin Webber! What a thing to say!
CALVIN
Well, we'll be going up in two years.
We'll know then. I'm very hopeful.
ADAM
(ardently)
Me, too.
His parents stare at him for a beat, then:
HELEN
Let's eat our cake.
CALVIN
Yeah. Let's dig in!
They do.
HELEN
Elbows, Son.
ADAM
Sorry, Mom!
HELEN
You never know. You may someday dine
at the White House with the president.
CALVIN
If we still have one.
HELEN
Yes...
CALVIN
You know, when we do go up...I'm going
to miss this old place. How 'bout you,
hon?
HELEN
(after a beat)
Would you excuse me?
CALVIN
Sure.
Helen rises and exits.
SCENE 48 OMITTED
SCENE 49 OMITTED
SCENE 50 OMITTED
SCENE 51 OMITTED
SCENE 52 OMITTED
SCENE 53 OMITTED
SCENE 54 OMITTED
SCENE 55 OMITTED
SCENE 56 OMITTED
SCENE 57 OMITTED
SCENE 58 OMITTED
INT. BATTERY ROOM- LATER, SAME NIGHT
Helen enters and goes into the generator room. Through
the glass we can see (and hear) her scream. Straightening
her hair and feeling much better, she exits as Calvin
strolls by wearing his tool belt. She's headed out.
CALVIN
In the generator room again?
HELEN
Oh, yes. It just fascinates me how
all these things work.
CALVIN
I know exactly what you mean!
(then)
Hey, honey?
She turns to him. He gives her his patented thumbs up
sign.
CALVIN (cont'd)
Great cake!!
She smiles wanely and leaves. He shuts the generator door
she left open.
SCENE 60 OMITTED
SCENE 61 OMITTED
INT.SHELTER, LIVING ROOM - VERY EARLY MORNING
SUPER: THE PRESENT
The room is quiet and empty. The star-burst WALL CLOCK
on the paneling says 6:15.
INT. SHELTER, KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Also empty.
INT. STOREROOM - SAME TIME
Also empty. And with MEAGER SUPPLIES on the shelves.
INT. POWER AND PUMP ROOM - SAME TIME
The old pipes are rusted and patched. Some are leaking
badly.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - SAME TIME
Calvin wakes up. He looks over at Helen's bed.
ANGLE - HELEN
She wakes up. Then jumps out of bed.
SCENE 67 OMITTED
CLOSE ON THE RED METAL BOX
that has been ticking on the wall for thirty-five years.
Suddenly it STOPS TICKING and a rather annoying ALARM
GOES OFF. Calvin's hand reaches up and turns it off by
throwing the lever up.
ANOTHER ANGLE shows us the mechanism on the FRONT
HATCHWAY switch to OPEN with a loud, vault-like move.
ANOTHER ANGLE
reveals the family in their pajamas standing in front of
the front hatchway and red box.
ADAM
So...we just open this door and go up?
Calvin grabs a handle and using all his strength, opens
the front entrance hatch. And then must jump back when
nothing but earth and rock pour into the room.
ADAM
Um...is that supposed to happen?
His parents take a beat then race off like maniacs
through the entire shelter to the back hatch door. They
knock over whatever gets in their way as they go. Adam
follows.
ADAM
Hey, where are we going?! Is
everything all right?!
INT. BACK HATCHWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Calvin and Helen arrive followed by Adam who can't
possibly share his parent's deep concerns. Everyone is
out of breath.
CALVIN
Should we say a little prayer first?
HELEN
Just open the door.
Calvin attempts to open the big hatch, but can't. Adam
helps him. Helen pitches in. Slowly, with lots of
squeaking, the DOOR OPENS. He steps through the hatch and
flips a wall switch. Red submarine LIGHTS COME ON....
And the service elevator is intact.
INT. ANTEROOM - CONTINUOUS
Helen steps through and embraces Calvin joyfully. The
old folks break into a dance as Adam enters.
ADAM
Well, do we just go on up?!
CALVIN
(quickly back to business,
and way too dramatic)
No, son! We wait for night. Now...is
precisely when... we must be at our...
most cautious.
HELEN
(barely a whisper, but
definitely tired of his
B.S.)
Oh, shit.
Helen's eyes widen and her hand flies up to her mouth.
She is just as shocked as Calvin.
CALVIN
Helen-Thomas-Webber! Maybe we have
been down here a little too long!
(to Adam)
Please excuse her French.
ADAM
Shit is a French word?
HELEN
Yes, yes it is!
CALVIN
It's an archaic colloquialism, roughly
meaning..."good".
HELEN
Yes! That's right!
ADAM
Oh.
(then)
Well...then...shit!
There is a pause, then:
CALVIN
C'est bon, Monsieur.
ADAM
Merci!
SCENE 71 OMITTED
EXT. THE MALT SHOP - NIGHT
Cars flash by in a rare L.A. DOWNPOUR. All that's left
of Mom's is an EMPTY BUILDING with a painted-out front
window and a "For Sale or Rent" sign. There's ANOTHER
SHOP attached to it CAMERA RIGHT but we can't see what it
is. The alley way on the left has always been there.
INT. MALT SHOP - CONTINUOUS
TWO DRUNK BUMS are sharing a bottle. One of them is the
Soda Jerk, now a dissipated middle-aged man (with a
tattoo on his forehead.)
SODA JERK
...all of these things...Alcoholics
Anonymous...Cocaine Anonymous...Heroin
Anonymous.
OTHER BUM
There's a Heroin Anonymous?
SODA JERK
Shut up! All of these things... ask
you to believe in a power greater than
yourself! Some sort of God on High!
Well...I have lifted my eyes skyward a
time or two... and I have certainly
not seen anything coming from up there
except a goddamn airplane -- that I
can't afford to get on!
The cement FLOOR of the old Malt Shop begins to QUIVER
AND RUMBLE.
OTHER BUM
Earthquake! Another earthquake!
SODA JERK
Let her come! Let's get this over
with! And please, if there is a God,
let it be worse in Bel Air!!
The Other Bum staggers to his feet and SPLITS for a back
window. Soda Jerk is fearless. Until finally the
HYDRAULIC DOORS of the back entrance SPLIT THE FLOOR with
an eerie, struggling whine and LARGE CHUNKS OF CEMENT GO
FLYING. Then up comes RED SUBMARINE LIGHT followed by
Calvin in his BIG YELLOW SUIT with Geiger counter
ticking.
SODA JERK
Oh, God! Oh, God!! Oh,God, save me!!
For I have seen the light!!
Calvin raises his hand and yells through his mask.
CALVIN
I come in peace!!
The Soda Jerk FAINTS. Calvin, sounding like a deep sea
diver and having to walk like Frankenstein, goes over to
the Soda Jerk and studies his face in the light of his
flashlight. He is horrified by what he sees.
CALVIN
My, gosh...
Calvin looks around the room and heads for the back. He
moves his Geiger counter around and gets a quiet (safe)
reading. Then he removes a KITCHEN MATCH from a plastic
container and strikes it against the wall. The MATCH
BURNS, so Calvin takes off his hood and visor and
breathes the air. It stinks in there.
EXT. MALT SHOP - MOMENTS LATER, RAINING
Calvin (out of the head gear and top of the suit) slowly
pushes the door open and steps out. He's surprised to
find an empty BODY SHOP behind the Malt Shop, where the
avocado trees should be.
CALVIN
Where is my backyard?
He points his flashlight around and heads for the ALLEY
to his left.
EXT. ALLEY - A MOMENT LATER, RAINING
DERELICT CARS left over from the Body Shop sit against a
fence. Calvin marvels at the cars, even in their present
condition. In a TIGHTER SHOT he studies the chrome-
plated word "Toyota." A HOMELESS MAN arrives to search
through the garbage. Calvin hurries back towards the
avenue.
SCENE 76 OMITTED
EXT. MALT SHOP - TEN MINUTES LATER, RAIN
Calvin emerges from the alley that separates the Malt
Shop from another storefront (perhaps now a rundown Thai
restaurant.)
CLOSER ON HIM
watching the cars fly by on the wet avenue. Suddenly, a
cross-dressing STREET WALKER steps up to him with a
cigarette.
STREET WALKER
You got a light, honey?
CALVIN
What?! A light! Yes, I've got a
light!
STREET WALKER
Good.
Fumbling, he finally gets her little cigar lighted with
one of his kitchen matches.
CALVIN
So...you...survived the blast, did
you?
STREET WALKER
The blast? Honey, I have survived a
host of things. Like the song says: "A
country boy can survive!"
CALVIN
Yes, yes, the song. So tell me...has
it been...hell up here?
STREET WALKER
"Hell up here?" Honey, it's been hell
up here, down there and over yonder!
Hell everywhere.
CALVIN
Yes, I can tell that just looking
around.
(then)
"Boy?" Did you say you were a
"country boy?"
STREET WALKER
Cute Little Old Man, if you want a
boy, I can be a boy. And if you want
a girl, I can be a girl. I can be
anything you want me to be!
CALVIN
Really?
STREET WALKER
Uh-huh. And it's all yours for the
remarkably low price of only $200!
And if you act now, I might even throw
in some free lawn furniture.
CALVIN
(stumbling away from her)
No, I can't. I'm sorry! I have to
go! I have to...
He breaks into a trot, heading up the street past a seedy
BAR (used to be the convenience store) just as a
hopelessly DRUNK HAG of a woman is shoved out and told to
stay out. Calvin watches as the woman stumbles to the
curb where she TOSSES her cookies. TWO LOW RIDERS HOP BY
full of TAUNTING YOUNG HISPANIC GANG MEMBERS, one of whom
BRANDISHES A PISTOL and, just for fun, points it at
Calvin. When Calvin sees the pistol he ducks into the
ADULT BOOKSTORE. The young gang member pulls the trigger
and we (not Calvin) see that the realistic-looking pistol
is really a water gun.
INT. ADULT BOOK AND VIDEO STORE
Calvin races in and, gathering himself, addresses the
PAKISTANI MAN behind the counter.
CALVIN
Hello! How are you this evening?!
Mind if I, you know, browse around?!
The clerk just watches him.
CALVIN
Thank-Q very much!
Then Calvin turns and has his first look at the
material...and he GRABS HIS HEART and SCREAMS and FALLS
back KNOCKING OVER a whole ROW OF VIDEOS AND MAGAZINES.
INT. SHELTER, KITCHEN - AN HOUR LATER
Calvin sits at the breakfast table, still breathing hard
and holding his chest. His family looks on with great
concern. The anti-radiation suit and gear is piled in
the corner.
CALVIN
I'm going to give it to you straight.
There's no point in beating around the
bush. There were survivors.
Apparently,
the fallout has created....a
subspecies of mutants.
HELEN
Mutants?!
CALVIN
It's not a pretty sight. Some eat out
of garbage cans. Others are...cover
your ears, Son, and hum. I mean that
literally and I mean right now!
ADAM covers his ears and hums.
CALVIN
Others are...multi-sexual. It
seems...they can be both masculine and
feminine...simultaneously.
HELEN
No.
CALVIN
Yes.
HELEN
I don't believe it!
Helen copes by moving around the kitchen doing things
that don't need to be done.
CALVIN
Believe it. He tried to sell me his
body, Helen.
(beat)
They offer lawn furniture as a come
on!
She slumps, then resumes her needless activity. Calvin
takes Adam's arm and the son drops his hands and stops
humming.
CALVIN
They've done a lot of re-building but
society, at least as we knew it, has
utterly collapsed. People throw up in
the streets. Others point guns.
There's something terribly wrong with
the automobiles and...and I...I can't
tell you the rest. I just can't.
HELEN
Oh my. Oh,my, oh my, oh, my. So,
what do we do now?
CALVIN
We stay down here.
HELEN
We do?
CALVIN
Yes.
HELEN
Excuse me.
She hurries into the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Helen let's out a silent scream, then hurries back into
the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
HELEN
For how long? We've just about run
out of everything!
CALVIN
We'll make do. I'm of the opinion
that these mutants will eventually
kill each other off and then--
HELEN
(rising)
No, Calvin. We're not going to make
do. Not me! Not Adam. We're going
up no matter what! We deserve it.
Even if it's terrible!
CALVIN
Well, I am the head of this household--
HELEN
I want him to at least see the sky!
CALVIN
--and we will--
HELEN
And the ocean! A mountain range!
CALVIN
--do as I say!
Breathing heavily, Calvin suddenly clutches at his chest
in great pain and collapses.
ADAM
Dad!
HELEN
Oh, no! Oh, my goodness! Let's get
him into the bedroom.
INT. HALLWAY - HOURS LATER
Adam paces. Then Helen comes out. Behind her, we can
see Calvin sleeping in his bed. She heads for the living
room. He follows.
HELEN
He seems to be doing all right now. I
don't know if he's had a heart attack
or just... a horrifying experience.
But we need supplies and I've got to
stay with him.
ADAM
I'll go up.
They go through the living room and cross to the patio.
HELEN
I'm afraid you've got to.
ADAM
I'll be all right.
HELEN
(patting his cheek)
You're my brave boy.
Helen hands him a pencil and pad. Adam follows her to the
fish farm.
HELEN
Just act normal. If anybody asks,
simply say you're from out-of-town,
and that you're in town on business.
Write that down.
He does.
HELEN (cont'd)
I'm going to give you a shopping list
and some money. We need just enough
things to get us through the next year
or two. And you'll find most of these
items at what used to be called a
grocery store or a hardware store.
Write that down.
ADAM
Yes, ma'am.
At the fish tank, Helen pulls up a slim chain that is
attached to a water-tight aluminum box which she quickly
opens. The box contains $6,000 in wrapped one hundred
dollar bills. Helen takes half of it.
HELEN
I don't know how far you'll have to
travel to find supplies, but if you
can't get home by nightfall, I want
you to look for something called a
Holiday Inn. Write that down. It's a
hotel. There might still be one
standing.
ADAM
Yes, ma'am.
HELEN
Let's get you packed.
She heads back for the house. He follows.
ADAM
Right.
HELEN
(indicating money)
I just hope this is still good up
there.
ADAM
Mom?
HELEN
Yes?
ADAM
I was thinking that, uh...you know,
while I was up there and all...that
maybe I could, you know...try to meet
a girl. I've, been thinking about
that a little...just these
last...fifteen years or so.
They have stopped by the garden.
HELEN
Oh, Adam,that would be wonderful if
you could find a girl. One who's not a
mutant...and hopefully comes from
Pasadena. Nothing against Valley
girls,
but in my day anyhow, the girls from
Pasadena, I don't know...always just
seemed a little nicer.
ADAM
Yes, ma'am.
They hug.
HELEN
Oh, there's also a thing called a
liquor store. Write that down.
INT. ADAM'S ROOM - AN HOUR LATER
He is packing. He looks at his cigar box and opens it. He
studies the contents: The Cards, stock certificates, and
an old photo of his parents. He decides to pack the box.
Helen enters with a long shopping list.
HELEN
Here's the shopping list and $3,000
which should take care of everything.
ADAM
Yes, ma'am.
HELEN
Your father has a few final words for
you. You know, he'd fight a buzz saw
for you - he loves you so much. We
both do.
ADAM
Heck, I know that mom! You're my
parents.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Adam sets down his suitcase and goes to his father's bed.
He sits. At the door, Helen dries her eyes with her
apron. Calvin indicates that he wants to whisper to
Adam, who drops his ear close to his father's lips.
CALVIN
Adam...don't forget...don't forget ...
ADAM
Yes, father?! Yes?
CALVIN
...the pipe tobacco.
ADAM
Yes, sir. Is that all?
Calvin nods. Adam rises and starts for the door. But
Calvin remembers something and beckons him back to speak
weakly into his son's ear.
CALVIN
Also...stay out of the "Adult
Bookstore."
ADAM
Adult Bookstore. Why?
CALVIN
Poison gas. Invisible. Don't forget.
ADAM
I promise. Is that all?
CALVIN
One more thing. If you find a healthy
young woman, bring her back with you.
ADAM
I'll try.
And then Calvin closes his eyes and sleeps.
INT. MALT SHOP - SAME DAY
The Soda Jerk has turned the rear exit into a religious
shrine. He's put flowers and candles and costume jewelry
and religious icons (from all the Majors) on top of and
around the broken cement. Currently he's on his knees,
rocking back and forth as he prays.
And,lo! There came a rumbling even as from the very
bowels of the earth and a great light showed forth
followed by gates of armor which opened and shut and
delivered up the vision of a young man whose countenance
caused the Soda Jerk to be struck dumb and to fall on his
face and to weep in fear. And, Adam, taking pity on the
man, put down his suitcase, and went to him, saying:
ADAM
Are you all right?
SODA JERK
Yes! Yes! Oh, Lord! Yes, oh, yes!
But where is the one who came last
night -- all in yellow?!
ADAM
All in yellow? Oh! That was my
father!
SODA JERK
Ooooohhhh!! Of course! The father!
Forgive me!! Can you forgive me for
my wasted life?! Everything has been
so awful!!
ADAM
(comforting him)
I know it has been terrible. But it
wasn't your fault. And now all the
decay is over with and things are
going to get better. You understand?
SODA JERK
Yes.
ADAM
I've got to go, now.
SODA JERK
Of course you do. I'll stay here and
pray.
ADAM
(picking up his suitcase)
That's always a good idea! Would you
like some money? I have a great deal
of it.
SODA JERK
No. I don't need money anymore -- I
see that now.
ADAM
How do I leave here?
SODA JERK
The front door is open. Will you be
back?
ADAM
I promise.
Adam turns and leaves. The Soda Jerk falls to his knees
and shakes all over.
EXT. MALT SHOP - CONTINUOUS
Adam steps out onto the sidewalk and sunlight falls on
him much brighter than anything he has ever seen. He
looks at it on the arm of his coat and then, slowly, he
looks up at the sky.
INTERCUT - LOVELY CLOUDS AND BLUE SKY
And now it is Adam who is dumbstruck. BYSTANDER #1
appears and sees Adam looking up.
BYSTANDER #1
What? What is it?!
ADAM
The sky!!!
BYSTANDER #1
The sky? Where?
ADAM
(pointing)
Up there!!
BYSTANDER #1
I don't see anything!
ADAM
Just look!!
Adam becomes momentarily interested in a parking meter.
A MOTHER and her CHILD approach from the other direction.
WOMAN
What is it!
BYSTANDER #1
(pointing)
He sees something.
MOTHER
What?
CHILD
I see it, mommy!
BYSTANDER #2
Where?!
Several more people are drawn over. A CONVERTIBLE goes by
in the foreground with passengers who are looking up.
WOMAN
What is it?
ADAM
I have never in my life seen anything
like this!!!! Nothing even comes
close!!
Adam continues down the sidewalk,looking up. A BLACK
WOMAN POSTAL WORKER passes by.
POSTAL WORKER
Whatcha looking at?
ADAM
Oh, my holy stars! A Negro!
POSTAL WORKER
(with attitude)
Say what?!
ADAM
(offering his hand)
How do you do, ma'am.
POSTAL WORKER
(leary, but taking his hand)
I do alright.
ADAM
Good!
The Pakistani exits the Adult Bookstore.
PAKISTANI
What is it?! What do you see?!
When Adam looks down to answer the man he sees the "Adult
Bookstore" sign.
ADAM
Oh, no!
PAKISTANI
What?!
ADAM
Poisonous gas!! Run for your life,
it's invisible poisonous gas!!!
And everyone does run away, including Adam. The avenue is
left totally deserted.
INT. KITCHEN NOOK - SAME DAY
Helen sits sipping tea, deep in thoughts of concern for
Adam. Behind her Calvin appears in the open window.
CALVIN
You know--
Helen is so startled she knocks the tea all over the
place.
CALVIN (cont'd)
I just wanted to say that I think he's
going to be just fine.
HELEN
(holding her heart)
Thank you, Calvin. Thank you very
much.
Calvin leaves, then comes back.
CALVIN
He's smart.
HELEN
Yes, dear, I know.
SCENE 85A OMITTED
EXT. CORNER BUS STOP - AFTERNOON, SAME DAY
An L.A. bus comes directly at CAMERA.
ANGLE - THE DRIVER
is startled. He reacts.
ANGLE - DRIVER'S FOOT
slamming down the brake pedal.
ANGLE - ADAM
in profile. The braking bus stops an inch from his nose.
Adam smiles. (Have him head for bus door in this angle.)
ANGLE - THE DRIVER
from over Adam. He is in shock.
INT. BUS - A MOMENT LATER
Start on a MOVING STEADY CAM SHOT on Adam's POV of bus
passengers as he heads for a seat. The passengers look at
him in amazement and some fear.
ANGLE - ADAM
going to his seat; smiling at the passengers. (He is
carrying a $100 bill.)
ADAM
Hello! Hi. Good afternoon! Howdy.
Adam finds a seat next to a heavily perspiring young
PSYCHO HEROIN ADDICT.
ANOTHER ANGLE OF THEM
Adam shows the Psycho the $100 bill.
ADAM
I tried to give the driver this but he
wouldn't take it. He seems angry. A
lot of people do.
The bus pulls out. It gets up to about twenty miles an
hour.
ADAM (cont'd)
Oh, boy! Here we go! We're moving!
Wow.
INTERCUT: PASSENGERS
looking back at Adam with concern.
ADAM (CONT'D)
So this is public transportation. My
Dad says that it becomes more and more
important because of pollution --
which is more and more carbon dioxide
and other hazardous gases in the air.
(then, confidentially)
Do you have a gun, by the way?
The increasingly nervous Psycho looks around, then nods
that he does.
ADAM (cont'd)
Well, thanks for not waving it around.
And for not vomitting, for that
matter. Wow, we're really flying. Say,
do you know where I could find a
grocery store?
The psycho shakes his head.
ADAM (cont'd)
I have to find that. And a hardware
store and a liquour store and a
standing Holiday Inn. Although, I may
not need the Holiday Inn. That's still
kind of up in the air. It depends
really on how things go.
PSYCHO
(pointing)
There's a grocery store coming up.
ADAM
Thank-Q!
(jumping up)
Driver! Please stop the bus
immediately! I have to get off!
(then an aside to the psycho)
Do you think I should get a gun?
PSYCHO
I don't know...maybe.
ADAM
(back to driver)
Driver! Please stop, sir!
INTERCUT - DRIVER IN THE REAR VIEW
He's not going to stop until he wants to stop.
ANGLE - OLD JEWISH COUPLE PASSENGERS.
who are anxious for Adam to leave.
OLD JEWISH MAN
For the love of God! Let him off the
bus!! Can't you see he's meshugina!
Adam leans in close to the OLD MAN.
ADAM
I'm sorry, what did you call me?
The man and his wife take that the wrong way and start to
scream.
ANGLE - THE DRIVER'S FOOT
hitting the brakes.
EXT.- BUS
stopping suddenly. Through the windows we see Adam go
down.
INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS
The back door opens as Adam gets up.
ADAM
Thank you, driver! Good-bye, everyone!
Adam exits the bus. Everyone, including the Psycho,
heaves a huge sign of relief.
INT. SUPER MARKET - MINUTES LATER
Adam enters and (after getting over the automatic doors
and the check-out technology) is overwhelmed by the
magnificence of the postmodern California supermarket.
The check-out counters alone are amazing. Seeing others
do it, he takes a cart, placing his suitcase in it.
INT. BAKERY COUNTER
Adam passes the baked goods, paying particular attention
to the elaborate birthday cakes.
ADAM
Is that a birthday cake?!
CLERK
Yes, it is.
ADAM
Gee-ma-nee!
Adam leaves. The clerk turns to a fellow worker.
CLERK
Bakersfield.
INT. AISLE
Adam marvels at the abundance and variety. He passes a
mother whose child is riding in the cart and that reminds
him of his own mom -- when she used to let him ride that
way. Then he is surprised to see a MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE so
casually dressed in public. She (overweight) is in an
unfortunate terrycloth halter-shorts combination. He
(hirsute) is in a sleeveless undershirt and baggy bathing
trunks.
ADAM
(to himself)
My first mutants.
INT. FRESH PRODUCE
Adam picks up one of those huge California cucumbers that
always amaze Easterners. He shows it to the JAPANESE-
AMERICAN CLERK.
ADAM
Is this because of the radiation?
CLERK
What?
ADAM
Nothing.
INT. MEAT COUNTER
Adam is looking at the live lobsters as a BUTCHER steps
up.
BUTCHER
Help you?
ADAM
Yes, please.
(consulting his Mom's list)
I'm looking for all beef patties.
BUTCHER
Fresh or frozen?
Adam chuckles because he thinks the man is kidding.
ADAM
Come on. Frozen. How much are they?
BUTCHER
Frozen, they're six-thirty a dozen in
the three pound box.
ADAM
Then I'll need, twelve into nine
hundred, seventy-five boxes. And
that's almost...five hundred dollars
just for the hamburger! And my Mom
only gave me three thousand dollars
for everything! The yacht batteries!
The diesel oil! The birthday candles!
BUTCHER
You could have a meat order that big
delivered to your home.
ADAM
Really?!
BUTCHER
Sure.
ADAM
Well, that's great then!
Terrific...except...it just occurred
to me. I don't know where I live! I'm
lost! I don't know where home is!
(then)
Would you excuse me?
BUTCHER
Gladly.
Adam hurries away.
SCENE 93 OMITTED
SCENE 94 OMITTED
A MONTAGE
of Adam on another bus. He looks frantically out the
window. We see his POV of shops and stores and people. At
one point he sees two women joggers which he wonders
about. Then he sees two men arguing violently. Gradually
late day turns to night and Adam becomes more and more
depressed. Then he sees something. He is elated. He jumps
up and tells the driver:
ADAM
Driver! Stop this bus immediately!
Please sir!!
EXT. - VENTURA BLVD - NIGHT
The bus stops mid-block and Adam gets off. He crosses the
street causing only one car to hit the brakes. On the
other side of the avenue we see what has gotten his
attention. It's an ADULT BOOKSTORE much like the last one
we saw (probably owned by the same chain.) He's happy but
when he looks next door he sees he's in a different
place. Sad and lost he turns north and starts to walk
until -- a billboard catches his attention. We pan up to
see a billboard for liposuction that features an almost
NUDE WOMAN. Adam is struck by the image and we spend some
time cutting between him and it. Then gathering himself
he turns and begins to walk south.
ANOTHER ANGLE
of him as he passes a BODY PIERCING STORE and wonders
about that. Then he sees something that blows his mind.
WIDER ANGLE
of a STRAY DOG passing by. Adam reacts.
ADAM
Oh my. Oh, my goodness gracious! Oh,
my...Oh. That is so great!! Man alive!
ANGLE - CU OF BASEBALL CARDS STORE WINDOW
A sign says: COMIC BOOKS & BASEBALL CARDS BOUGHT, SOLD &
TRADED.
INT. CARD AND COMIC STORE - MOMENTS LATER
Adam enters with his suitcase in one hand and his cigar
box in the other. He steps up to the counter where the
owner (JERRY) sits reading the newspaper. He has a
fondness for Navajo jewelry.
ADAM
Hello.
JERRY
(gives him a look, then goes
back to reading)
Hi.
A YOUNG WOMAN enters from the back of the store and goes
to another counter. Neither man notices.
ADAM
The name is Adam Webber and I see you
buy baseball cards and although these
are a lot older than the ones in the
window, I was hoping you still might
be interested.
He flips open the cigar box to reveal to Jerry riches
beyond his wildest dreams. Jerry actually moans and then
must pretend the moan was a cough.
JERRY
How--how much do you want for the
Mickey Mantle, rookie season?
ADAM
I was thinking of selling all the
cards.
JERRY
Really? No kidding?
He reaches in and looks through the cards.
ADAM
See, my problem is, all I have are
hundred dollar bills and I need
something smaller. Ones, fives, tens.
Like that.
JERRY
I see what ya mean. Tell you
what...I'll give you five hundred
dollars in small bills for the whole
box.
ADAM
Oh, that would be wonderful!
JERRY
Well, we're here to help!
A woman steps into the shot. She has come from the back
of the store and her back is momentarily to us.
EVE (OC)
Oh, shit!
Adam turns to her and is immediately awe struck. We
reveal EVE RUSTOKOV. She tosses her lipstick into her
purse. Eve works in the card shop and is on her way out.
JERRY
I'm workin' here, Evey-poo. Don't
screw me up.
ADAM
Bon soir, mademoiselle!
EVE
Are you French?
ADAM
No.
(then, thinking fast)
I'm from out of town.
(then sensing the need for
further clarification)
I'm here on business.
EVE
Well, your business must not be sports
memorabilia, because this one Mantle
card right here--
(holds up a card)
--is worth six thousand dollars all by
its little self.
ADAM
Get out of here!
EVE
No, you get out of here.
She closes his cigar box and gives it to him.
JERRY
Terrific...you're fired! You know
that?!
EVE
No, ferry--excuse me, Jerry, I quit.
She walks back to the counter to get her coat.
JERRY
Oh, no! I fired ya! Just like the hair
salon guy and the Chevy dealer! You
know why you can't keep a goddamn
job?! Because you can't keep your
goddamn mouth shut! That's why!
Jerry is surprised when Adam suddenly takes his arm
firmly.
ADAM
Sir? I would really appreciate it if
you wouldn't take the Lord's name in
vain again.
JERRY
(looking at Adam's hand)
Oh, you got a problem with that?
ADAM
I have a big problem with that.
Eve sees a fist fight coming. She takes Adam by the arm.
EVE
Come on, Heathcliff, I'll walk you to
the corner.
ADAM
Yes, ma'am. But my name is Adam.
EVE
Just come on.
They head for the door and exit.
JERRY
Hah! Adam and Eve! The perfect
match! I hope you two will be very
happy together! Mazel-fuckin'-tov!
Don't try coming back, Ms. Big Shot!
I'm serious this time! You're finished
in the hobby business! Take that to
the bank, why don'tcha!
Adam re-enters.
ADAM
I didn't want to leave without saying
how much I admire your jewelry.
JERRY
Hey, smart ass, how 'bout I kick your
butt?
Adam walks towards the man smiling.
ADAM
How 'bout you what?
Jerry takes a nervous step backwards, but Eve steps back
in and pulls Adam out.
EVE
I said come on!
Adam exits. Jerry doesn't know what to say.
EXT. CARD STORE - NIGHT
They exit the store.
ADAM
Where are we going?
EVE
We? I'm going home. And, judging by
that coat, I'd say you have to get
back to the barber college.
ADAM
No, I'm lost.
EVE
You're lost?
ADAM
Say,...did you just lose your job
because of me?
EVE
Forget it. I'm sick of working for
that dickhead.
ADAM
Dickhead?
EVE
A walking penis capable of intelligent
speech. A dickhead.
A mental picture of that causes Adam to slump against a
store window and drop his box of cards.
EVE
What's wrong with you?
ADAM
I just had a mental picture of...
EVE
Here, pick these up!
Together they pick up the cards.
EVE (cont'd)
Where are you parked?
ADAM
I came on a bus.
EVE
Why doesn't that surprise me?
ADAM
I don't know. Why doesn't it?
They rise.
EVE
Well, I guess because I'm a little
psychic...I have this thing.
ADAM
Oh, that's nice.
EVE
Let me guess something. This is your
first visit to La La Land. You're
staying somewhere over in Hollywood
because, like an idiot, you thought
that would be an exciting place to
stay. Right so far?
ADAM
(could be a question, could
be an answer.)
So far?
EVE
Yes, I'm right?
ADAM
Right.
EVE
I knew it! So anyhow, you get on a bus
and before you know it, you're out
here in the San Fernando Valley
without a clue. Which brings us to
here. Correct again?
ADAM
Again.
EVE
Where are you staying? The Holiday
Inn?
ADAM
Yes! Yes! The Holiday Inn! That's
exactly right!
EVE
See? I'm psychic. Not completely, but
pretty much. That was pretty good,
wasn't it?!
ADAM
It was amazing.
EVE
Yeah. Thanks. Anyhow, let me predict a
bus for you to get on.
ADAM
Do you own a car?
EVE
I'm not taking you there, Sweetie.
Rule Number One in North America: No
strangers in the car.
ADAM
If it will make you feel any better, I
don't have a gun.
EVE
You don't?
ADAM
Nope.
EVE
Well, that changes everything. Get the
fuck away from me!! I mean it!!
She races around the corner. He goes after her.
ADAM
I'm sorry! I said something wrong,
didn't I! Please forgive me!
EVE
Get away from me!!
She runs into a parking lot. He follows.
ADAM
Wait! Please wait! I'll make a deal
with you! I'll give you a Rogers
Hornsby, if you'll take me to the
hotel!
EVE
Rogers Hornsby?!?
ADAM
He's all yours. I was holding him
back.
Adam takes a Hornsby card from his coat pocket and shows
it to her.
EVE
Rogers Hornsby's worth like four
thousand dollars!
ADAM
So what?! I've got two of him!
(removing more cards from his
pocket)
And this many DiMaggios and Robinsons.
I was holding these out, too.
She arrives at her car (dirty GEO) and anxiously unlocks
the driver's door.
EVE
So for four thousand dollars, all I
have to do is drive you to your hotel?
ADAM
Yes.
EVE
And that's it?
ADAM
Yes.
EVE
I don't have to take a physical in
your space ship?
ADAM
Heck, no! What?!
EVE
Okay. What the hell? You got a deal.
Get in.
She gets in. He gets in the back seat behind her.
EVE (cont'd)
The front seat!
He runs around to the front while Eve chats with herself.
EVE (cont'd)
Why am I doing this? What in the hell
is wrong with me? That's what I'd like
to know.
SCENE 99 OMITTED
EXT. HOLLYWOOD FREEWAY - MINUTES LATER
Traffic is moving at fifteen miles an hour. The dash
lights fascinate him but the car scares him. She notices
that he is gripping the seat belt for dear life.
EVE
So...Mister Andretti, your first time
on the freeway?
ADAM
It's Webber. Adam Webber.
EVE
Mind if I change the station?
Better traffic reports on AM.
She switches over to AM and runs by a Perry Como record,
"Round and Round", looking for traffic.
ADAM
Wait! Wait!
EVE
What is it?!
ADAM
It's Perry!
EVE
Perry?
ADAM
Perry Como! You had him! Go back!
Go back!
EVE
Okay, okay! Take it easy!
She gets Perry.
EVE
How's that?
ADAM
(star-struck)
Oh, I could die...
EVE
Over this?
ADAM
Yeah! Listen to this part. This is
where it really takes off!
EVE
You are one scary son-of-a-gun.
EXT. FREEWAY
Eve's car splits for the exit ramp.
INT. EVE'S CAR
The sudden speed scares Adam.
ADAM
Hey, what are you doing?!
EVE
I know a short-cut.
EXT. OFF RAMP
She comes off, catches the light and whips onto the
surface street, tires squealing.
INT. CAR
Adam is hanging onto his seat belt. Eve puts the pedal to
the metal.
ADAM
Gee-zooie!! You better slow down!!!
EVE
I can't help it. Perry Como always
does this to me! I just get so
cranked!
She turns Perry way up.
EXT. AVENUE
Eve does a dandy job of trading lanes and passing. The
little Geo's engine screams. Adam's sort of getting into
it.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD HOLIDAY INN - TEN MINUTES LATER
The Geo flies up to a quick stop.
INT. CAR
Eve turns to Adam, who has had A Life Experience.
EVE
Card, please. End of service.
He hands over the card like someone in a post-sex stupor.
ADAM
That was...wonderful! I've never felt
anything like that in my life.
EVE
Yeah, same here. Don't forget your
suitcase.
ADAM
Right.
He gets out with the suitcase, and after shutting the
door leans down to speak to her.
ADAM
You know--
She tears off, leaving him there.
INT. HOTEL REGISTRATION - MINUTES LATER
Adam addresses the clerk.
ADAM
Good evening. I want to stay at this
hotel.
CLERK
Fill this out please. And I'll need a
card.
ADAM
A card?
CLERK
Yes, sir.
ADAM
Of course!
Adam gives him a baseball card.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER SAME NIGHT
A BELLBOY ushers Adam in and sets down his bag.
BELLBOY
Bathroom's there, TV's over there.
Remote's on top. Room Service menu is
on the table.
Adam picks up the phone and listens.
BELLBOY (CONT'D)
You dial nine to get out.
ADAM
(beat, then)
Of what?
BELLBOY
(beat, then)
The hotel.
ADAM
(beat, then he hangs up)
I see. Well, thank you very much.
You've been very, very nice.
He offers two dollars.
ADAM (cont'd)
I was able to get some change
downstairs and my father taught me
that it's customary to tip in a
situation such as this.
BELLBOY
Thank you. Your father is a smart guy.
ADAM
My father is a genius.
BELLBOY
No kiddin'. Well...good night.
ADAM
Good night! Sleep tight. Don't let
the bedbugs bite! That's what my Mom
always says...
(choking up)
...who I'm really beginning to miss.
I'm sorry. It's my first night away
from home.
BELLBOY
How old are you?
ADAM
Thirty-five.
BELLBOY
You don't look thirty-five.
ADAM
How old do I look?
BELLBOY
Twenty-five? Around there.
ADAM
I guess living up here makes people
look older.
BELLBOY
Up here on the fifteenth floor?
ADAM
(catching himself)
Yes. Up here on the fifteenth floor.
Goodnight.
BELLBOY
Goodnight.
Adam abruptly shuts the door in the man's face.
He goes to the window and looks out. The height scares
him to death. He jumps back.
INT. SHELTER, DINNER TABLE - SAME TIME
Adam's parents pray.
CALVIN
And Lord we ask finally that you send
an angel to look after and protect our
beloved son, Adam. Amen.
HELEN
Amen.
She begins to tear up and he pats her hand.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAWN
Adam sits by the window watching his first dawn.
EXT. HOLIDAY INN - MORNING
It's another bright, smoggy day. And here comes Eve,
marching from the parking garage to the hotel entrance.
EVE
(skyward)
What in the hell am I doing here?!
That's what I'd like to know! Somebody
tell me that.
INT. FRONT DESK - MOMENTS LATER
Eve is speaking to a DESK CLERK.
DESK CLERK
You don't have a last name?
EVE
All I know is that his first name is
Adam. No! Adam Webber! That's it.
INT. ADAM'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
He is seated on the bed, transfixed, watching a
television commercial.The PHONE RINGS loudly. Adam
nearly jumps out of his skin. After he figures out where
the ringing is coming from, he answers the phone.
ADAM
(into phone, after a long
pause)
Yes?
INT. LOBBY
At the house phone.
EVE
(into phone)
Hi. This is the woman from the
baseball card store. Remember me?
INT. ADAM'S ROOM
Boy, is he glad to hear from her!
ADAM
Yes! Hello! Hi! Hot-diggity-dog!
Thank you for calling me on the
telephone!!
INT. LOBBY
Eve holds the receiver away from her for a moment.
EVE
Good grief. Hey listen, I'm in the
lobby.
(pause, then)
On the first floor! Where the hell
else would it be?
INT. LOBBY, ELEVATORS - MOMENTS LATER
The doors open and Adam hurries out, looking for Eve, who
he sees and goes directly to, smiling all the while like
a rumpled idiot.
ADAM
I am so glad to see you!! I thought
I'd never see you again!
EVE
Okay, down boy. (holds up the baseball
card) I can't take this for driving
you home. I wish I could, but I can't.
So here, take it back. I could have
just left it for you at the desk, but
it's very valuable. Now take it.
ADAM
I can't, it's yours.
EVE
Take it. damn it!
ADAM
(with hand over his mouth)
Okay.
He takes the card.
EVE
Why are you doing that?
ADAM
I haven't brushed yet.
EVE
Oh. Okay. Well, so long. Enjoy your
visit.
She heads for the front door. He goes after her.
ADAM
Wait, Eve, please! Wait.
EVE
Please don't follow me. Don't do it!
EXT. HOTEL - DAY
They exit.
EVE
I knew this would happen! You're like
a lost puppy!
ADAM
Can't you please just talk to me for
one second?
EVE
Okay! Damn!
She stops, he stops.
EVE (CONT'D)
I should have taken the money and run!
That's what Troy told me to do! But
do I listen? No! Put your hand down!
He does.
ADAM
Troy? Is he your husband? Or a
boyfriend?
EVE
No.
ADAM
(eyes to heaven)
Thank-Q!
EVE
Oh, stop that! God! Listen, I know
you like me. I can tell. But you know
what? A lot of guys like me. Not me,
exactly. It's more like the legs or
the butt or the hair. Or some
combination of the above.
ADAM
I think it's the eyes.
EVE
The eyes. Okay. An eye-man. Anyhow,
it never works out. Okay? Not that
you even need to know that! You look
like crap, by the way. What have you
been doing?
ADAM
Watching television in color.
EVE
Hey, no kidding? In color?
ADAM
Cross my heart and hope to die.
She looks at him for a beat or two, then abruptly turns
away.
EVE
See, ya.
ADAM
Why doesn't it never work out?
EVE
What?
ADAM
Why does it never work out? You
and...men?
EVE
Why?! Who the hell knows?!
He follows closely. She stops.
EVE (cont'd)
Okay, if you promise to leave me
alone, I'll tell you.
ADAM
...Okay.
EVE
It never works out because I'm into
legs and butts and hair myself!
That's why! So I wind up with guys who
are very good looking, but
even more shallow than I am, if you
can picture that.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go
find another low-paying, demeaning job
where some guy named Jerry keeps
telling me how lousy his marriage is.
ADAM
Why not go to work for me?
EVE
Doing what?
ADAM
Selling all my baseball cards.
And helping me buy enough food and
supplies to fill several large trucks.
EVE
Food and supplies? Who for? Like
starving people?
ADAM
Well, they're not starving yet, but
they need help.
EVE
How long would you need me?
ADAM
Two weeks.
EVE
What's the pay?
ADAM
What's fair?
EVE
I've got to make at least a thousand a
week.
He gives her his patented thumbs up sign which of course
is exactly like his father's.
ADAM
You got it!
Wait here while I change.
EVE
Sure.
He walks back to the hotel.
EVE
(to herself)
My career's finally taking off...
EXT. MARINE WHOLESALE SUPPLY, MARINA DEL REY - DAY
Heavy-duty BOAT BATTERIES are being loaded into a U-Haul
truck. The store MANAGER steps up to Eve who is
watching. Adam appears in the bg, thanking and being nice
to the MEN loading the truck. He looks mighty stupid in
another one of his Dad's old outfits.
MANAGER
Why would someone need twenty yacht
batteries?
EVE
I just work for the guy.
MANAGER
And who does he work for? The CIA?
EVE
Naw...it's some sort of charity
thing..I guess for starving people
with yachts.
INT. PRICE CLUB - LATER SAME DAY
Eve and Adam shop with two carts, both full of CASES OF
DR. PEPPER.
EVE
Why not buy them milk or something--
instead of Dr. Pepper?
ADAM
They like Dr. Pepper.
EVE
Who are these people?
ADAM
My Mom and Dad.
EVE
Very funny, smart ass.
ADAM
Hey! Pipe tobacco! I'm going to need
all of this! This is swell!
He goes over to a huge supply of Prince Albert.
EVE
(to herself)
Swell? Run, Eve. Run.
EXT. LOADING DOCK - SAME DAY
Eve and Adam watch as a man with a forklift puts a year's
supply of toilet paper into the back of the rental truck.
EXT. GROCERY STORE PARKING LOT - SAME DAY
A crowd has gathered to watch Adam and Eve empty seven
shopping carts full of non-perishable groceries.
ANGLE - 5 MINUTES LATER
Eve goes to get into the truck. Adam hurries by her.
ADAM
Wait! Wait!
EVE
What?
He opens the door for her. She shakes her head and gets
in.
EXT. HOLIDAY INN - THAT NIGHT
She drives the truck to a stop. He keeps the beat to the
song on the AM radio. It's Volar? Adam loves it. Eve
hates it. They come to a stop and she snaps off the
radio.
EVE
Well, another day, another dollar.
(then)
Stop staring at me!!
ADAM
Sorry.
He gets out.
EVE
Pick you up at eight tomorrow morning.
ADAM
Hey, you know. I was thinking...
EVE
Night!
She pulls away.
ADAM
Night!
EXT./INT. U-STORE-IT - NEXT DAY
Adam drags the last 50-pound bag of flour into a self-
storage locker and pulls down the sliding door which he
padlocks.
ADAM
We'll have to rent a refrigerated
truck for the beef and poultry.
EVE
It's your life. And, by the way, it's
a dandy.
ADAM
I guess we'll need another locker.
EVE
No problem. We'll just sell another
baseball card.
ADAM
You know, Eve -- don't get mad, okay? -
- but, I'd just be lost without you.
EVE
Thank you.
ADAM
And, um ...I guess...
I guess you and I, uh...
EVE
Adam? Don't even think about it.
Okay?
I'm sorry. I know that sounds mean,
but believe me, it would be meaner if
I didn't say it. Okay?
ADAM
Okay.
EVE
Now, let's take the truck back and get
something to eat.
She hops in behind the wheel. He (hurt) is a little
slower getting in his side.
EXT. FREEWAY - LATER, SAME DAY
Traffic is moving about forty miles an hour. Their truck
is in one of the middle lanes.
INT. U-HAUL - CONTINUOUS
Adam screws up his guts and turns to her.
ADAM
There's something else I would like
you to help me with.
EVE
Name it.
ADAM
Well, this is going to sound a little
crazy.
EVE
(laughing)
Oh, I'm sure it will!
ADAM
Then forget it.
EVE
No, no! I'm sorry! What is it?
ADAM
This is for me.
EVE
Think of me as your genie. Just ask.
ADAM
Well... Okay. I would like you to help
me find a...wife.
EVE
A wife?
ADAM
Yes.
EVE
What for?
ADAM
Because I want to get married.
EVE
Why?!
ADAM
I don't want to be alone.
EVE
You can be single and not alone.
Marriage bites!
ADAM
Bites what?
EVE
The big one!
ADAM
It does?
EVE
Sure.
ADAM
I didn't know that.
EVE
Everybody knows that. Ask my divorced
sisters. Or ask my divorced mom and
dad.
ADAM
They're all divorced?
EVE
Everybody's divorced.
ADAM
It didn't used to be that way.
EVE
I wouldn't know.
(then)
What kind of wife are you looking for?
ADAM
One who's not a mutant.
EVE
No dogs, huh? Okay.
ADAM
And if possible, I'd like to marry
someone from Pasadena.
She is speechless. Then:
EVE
When do you need her by?
ADAM
Two weeks.
EVE
Well, I could probably get you laid in
two weeks, but to locate a non-mutant
wife from Pasadena...that could take
some
time.
ADAM
That's what I was afraid of.
INT. DINER - LATER, SAME DAY
Adam and Eve are in a booth. The WAITRESS approaches with
sandwiches and drinks.
ADAM
What do you mean, you can get me laid?
He and the waitress look to Eve for an answer.
EVE
Could we talk about that a little
later?
ADAM
Of course.
EVE
(sugary, to waitress)
Thank you.
The amazed waitress leaves. Adam automatically lowers
his head and says grace. Two HAPPENIN' GUYS at the
counter look over and chuckle at the rube. Eve flips
them a mean bird and mouths the words "fuck you" as Adam
continues to pray. The guys shut up.
EXT. EVE'S HOUSE - LATE DAY
Eve shares a frame Santa Monica bungalow. It's in a
pretty nice neighborhood on a quiet street. Her GEO
FISHTAILS into the picture and comes to rest half in the
street, half on the curb. Adam is driving.
EVE
Get out!
ADAM
The engine is still running.
She rips the keys out of the ignition.
EVE
Now, get out!!
ADAM
Yes, ma'am!
EVE
Stop that ma'am crap!
ADAM
Sorry!
They get out.
EVE
You almost got us killed!
ADAM
I told you I've never driven before!
EVE
Never drive again!
ADAM
You said it would be easy!
EVE
I was wrong!!
ADAM
Is this your house?
EVE
Yes!
ADAM
I like it.
She storms off for the house where a YOUNG MAN is coming
out the front door in a cut-off T-shirt and spandex
exercise shorts.
EVE
Swell!
EXT. PORCH
CLIFF is leaving with a cardboard box full of clothes.
He is exceedingly GOOD LOOKING AND IN VERY GOOD SHAPE.
Eve and Adam come up the steps.
CLIFF
What are you bitching about now?
EVE
What are you doing here?
CLIFF
I forgot some of my stuff.
EVE
Your stuff? Let me see that.
She looks in the box. Holds up a pair of old briefs.
EVE
You came back for these?
CLIFF
Hey, they're Ralph Laurens. And who's
this interesting looking fellow?
EVE
This is Adam. Adam, meet Cliff.
ADAM
(offering hand)
How do you do?
CLIFF
I do fine, Adam. How 'bout yourself?
(eyeing Eve)
You doin' any good?
EVE
Go home, Cliff, wherever that might
be.
CLIFF
Shana Gillroy's apartment. Remember
her? The model who went to Harvard?
Well, I better get going! Bye, Adam.
Nice coat!
Cliff smiles and bounces down the steps.
ADAM
Why, thank you! Very nice to have met
you, Cliff!
(then to her)
May I ask you a question?
EVE
He's a former boyfriend. We lived
together for about six months. And
yes, I'll admit it. I've still kind
of got a thing for him.
(entering the house)
That's what you wanted to know, isn't
it?
ADAM
(following)
Actually,no. I was wondering why Cliff
likes to wear another man's
underpants.
EVE
(OC)
What?!
INT. EVE'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Very good music is playing. Adam listens to one speaker
then crosses to listen to the other. Then he goes back to
the first.
INT.EVE'S KITCHEN - SAME TIME
Eve is pouring champagne into a glass that contains two
sugar cubes. Next she adds several dashes of bitters.
TROY, HER GAY ROOMMATE, throws together a tray of
appetizers as dinner cooks on the stove.
TROY
(sotto)
Eve! This guy is un-be-liev-able!
EVE
I knew you'd like him.
TROY
Darlin', this is X-File stuff! Think
about it! The guy's got all this
easily negotiable property. He's
obviously setting something up very
big. Like a self-sustaining island
off the coast of South America, for
instance. Or perhaps he's the head of
a cult that's doing weird things with
poultry and pipe tobacco. I've heard
worse.
He rushes out with the tray.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Troy enters with sushi appetizers. Adam is looking at the
ceiling.
ADAM
You have very nice ceilings.
TROY
I do? Well, thank you! You like
ceilings?
ADAM
Not particularly.
TROY
Well, I hope you like these! Fresh sea
urchin wrapped in seaweed. Or "nori"
if you prefer. I love sushi.
ADAM
I love Lucy!
TROY
You nut!
Eve enters with Adam's drink and two white wines.
.
EVE
Here you go. One champagne cocktail.
ADAM
Thank-Q!
EVE
I thought only hookers drank those
things.
ADAM
Well, I know Mom sure likes 'em!
Eve and Troy look at each other as she hands him his
wine.
TROY
Dinner in fifteen minutes. Why don't
we sit and chat.
They do.
TROY
So, Adam...where on earth are you
from?
EVE
Out-of-town. That's all he'll say.
ADAM
It's a very small place. People don't
even know it's there.
TROY
And it's called...?
ADAM
Maybe Eve can guess. She's psychic.
TROY
Really? Since when?
EVE
(defensive)
Since that guy rear-ended me in Palm
Springs.
TROY
Oh, yes.
EVE
I even guessed his hotel, didn't I?
ADAM
Right on the button.
TROY
Well, Dionne Warwick, guess his home
town.
EVE
Give me your hand.
TROY
(to himself)
Oh, my God...
Adam holds out his hand and she takes it, rubbing her
finger slowly and gently around in his palm. For her,
it's psychic stuff. For him, it's spine-tingling.
EVE
Okay, let's see...I'm not promising
anything. You okay?
ADAM
Um-hum.
EVE
I'm seeing...snow... lots of snow.
Way up North. Are we getting hot?
ADAM
Yes!
EVE
You live in...Alaska. The only way in
or out of your place is by plane
and... you've definitely come down
here for food and supplies and... to
find a wife!
ADAM
Wow.
She tosses back his hand and grabs her wine for a victory
gulp.
TROY
That's right?
ADAM
(to Eve)
I've never met anyone like you in my
life.
TROY
She's right?!
EVE
Hey, butthead, I'm clairvoyant.
ADAM
I've got goose-bumps all over me.
TROY
Why not just go to... Nome for
supplies and a wife? Isn't that
closer?
EVE
Yeah, right! That's where you'd go to
find girls! Nome. He's gay, by the
way.
ADAM
Good for you.
TROY
Well, we try. Listen, let me just ask
you a few questions. When did Alaska
become a state?
ADAM
1959.
TROY
Who use to own it?
ADAM
Russia.
TROY
When did we get it from them?
ADAM
1867. Seward's Folly. We paid 7.2
million dollars for it. A tidy sum
then, as well as now. I'm quoting my
father, of course.
TROY
What's the capitol?
ADAM
Juneau.
TROY
Hello! It's Anchorage! Gotcha!
ADAM
Sorry, that's the largest city.
Troy jumps up and runs out of the room.
ADAM
Where's he gone?
EVE
He's gone to check your answers on his
computer.
ADAM
He has a computer?
EVE
Sure.
ADAM
In the house?
EVE
No. We keep it in the backyard. Of
course, in the house. It's in there.