英语剧本《王牌大间谍3》
时间:2007-10-27 21:59:54来源: 作者:
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
by Mike Myers.
Final draft, 5/24/96.
by Mike Myers.
Final draft, 5/24/96.
EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK FOTTAGE) - NIGHT
GRAPHIC: 1967 - SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA
It is set against the obvious skyline of Las Vegas.
INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS - DAY
The lair is 1960's high-tech. We see a huge oversized
conference table with six scary-looking EVIL ASSOCIATES,
including a Latin American REVOLUTIONARY in a field jacket
and turtleneck, TWIN NORDIC DOCTORS, and a METER MAID.
ANGLE ON: A RING WITH DR. EVIL'S INSIGNIA ON IT. THE RINGED
HAND IS STROKING A WHITE FLUFFY
CAT.
DR. EVIL
(face always unseen)
Gentlemen, are we all here? Good.
As you know, my plot to high-jack
nuclear weapons and hold the world
hostage has failed. Again. This
organization will not tolerate
failure.
He presses a button. The Revolutionary, the twin Nordic
doctors, and the meter maid's chairs tip
back and fall into a pit. Their chairs return empty and
smoking.
DR. EVIL
Mustafa...
ANGLE ON: MUSTAFA, an Arab with a red Fez.
DR. EVIL
Frau Farbissina...
ANGLE ON FRAU FARBISSINA in a severe Salvation Army uniform.
DR. EVIL
I spared your lives because I need
you to help me rid the world of the
only man who can stop me now. We
must go to London. I've set a trap
for Austin Powers!
EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY
MUSIC: Soul Bossanova by QUINCY JONES.
We start on a pair of BEATLE BOOTS and peg-top crushed velvet
pants walking down the street in rhythm, ?la Saturday Night
Fever.
We pan up to reveal AUSTIN POWERS, International Man of
Mystery. He's a swinger, with
medium-length Mod hair and sideburns and he wears National
Health Services glasses.
Austin walks along Carnaby Street taking photographs. It is
that perpetual bright sunny day you see in Sixties movies.
Austin, bursting with life, gives a two-handed handshake to
a MOD FREAK, who's just gotten off a red double-decker bus.
Austin salutes a strolling BOBBY, then comes across TWO
BEAUTIFUL MOD GIRLS who are excited to see him. They all
start to twist to the music, including the Bobby.
FREEZE FRAME - TECHNICOLOR BLUE TINT - TITLE CARD
(PRODUCTION NOTE: ALL TITLE CARDS WILL BE DONE IN TECHNICOLOR
FREEZE FRAMES ?LA SWEET CHARITY.)
In the middle of the street, THREE MODELS wait impatiently
to be photographed in a makeshift photo shoot area.
One wears a short-skirted Stewardess outfit. One wears a
metallic silver pantsuit with matching cowl. The other wears
a see-through Mary Quant dress.
AUSTIN
(taking photos)
Alright, luv! Love it! Turn...pout
for me baby. Smashing!
We see that AUSTIN HAS VERY BAD ENGLISH TEETH. The model in
the stewardess outfit foes on all fours.
AUSTIN
Crazy baby. Give me some shoulder.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
(beat)
No. No.
Show me love. Yes! And...done. Here you go, luv. I'm
spent.
Austin throws the camera in the air behind him. An ASSISTANT
scrambles and catches it before it hits the ground.
AUSTIN
Get these off to Fab Magazine right
away.
SUPERMODEL 1
Austin, you've really outdone yourself
this time.
AUSTIN
Thanks, baby.
SUPERMODEL 2
(suggestively)
We could have another photo session
back at my flat.
AUSTIN
(coyly)
Oh, behave!
SUPERMODEL 3
Austin, I love you!
AUSTIN
So many women, so little time.
A gaggle of MOD GIRLS come towards the shoot site. They
recognize Austin and SCREAM hysterically.
MOD GIRL 1
It's Austin Powers!
Austin runs away. The mob chases after him a la Hard Day's
Night.
EXT. CARNABY STREET
Two BAD GUYS attack Austin. He JUDO CHOPS them.
AUSTIN
Judo chop! Judo chop!
The mob of girls catches up to Austin and he runs away.
EXT. PHONE BOOTH
Austin's in a phone booth with his back turned. The mob
runs by. He steps out, disguised only by a beard.
EXT. GUARD STATION - LONDON - DAY
Austin is jiving down the street and comes across a stoned-
face red-coated BUCKINGHAM PALAM GUARD standing at attention
just outside his guard box.
Austin mugs for the guard, trying to get him to crack up,
but to no avail. Finally, he pulls a big sixties FLOWER
from behind the guard's head and presents it to him. They
both crack up.
EXT. PHOTO BOOTH
The girls run by a Sixties-era photo booth with somebody
inside. Austin steps out.
ANGLE ON THE FILM STRIP
Panels 1-3 show Austin with various exotic MODELS. The fourth
panel shows Austin with the QUEEN.
EXT. CARNABY STREET
Austin spots a VERY PREGNANT HIPPY GIRL with a placard that
says "PROTEST!" in a funky font.
AUSTIN
You might want to protest a bit louder
next time, luv.
The both laugh.
2L FULL SCREEN INSERT - AUSTIN'S PASSPORT
The passport opens. We see Austin's dour photo. Then he
gives an insane grin, showing his bad teeth. The page flips
and we see visa stamps from all the exotic places he's been.
EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY
Austin flips a coin into a BLIND MAN's cup. The blind man,
obviously sighted, moves the cup to catch the coin. Austin
wags his finger in a "oh, you" fashion, and then proceeds to
knee him the balls.
EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY
Austin is being chased around the corner by a GAGGLE OF
SCHOOLGIRLS.
After a moment, Austin returns from around the corner with a
baton, followed by a MARCHING BAND.
The schoolgirls pick up his trail again and he begins to
run.
A 1967 Jaguar XKE convertible, which is decorated with a
large Union Jack, pulls beside Austin.
He jumps over the door into the moving convertible, racing
off just ahead of the crowd.
EXT./INT. JAGUAR - STREETS OF LONDON - DAY
The driver of the Jag is Austin's associate, MRS. KENSINGTON,
a beautiful woman in her thirties.
They drive against obvious REAR PROJECTION of 1960's London.
AUSTIN
Hello, Mrs. Kensington.
MRS. KENSINGTON
Hello, Austin Just then, a FLASHING
RED LIGHT goes off and we hear a
distinctive PHONE RING.
MRS. KENSINGTON
That'll be Basil Exposition, Chief
of British Intelligence.
The glove compartment revolves to reveal a picture phone.
ANGLE ON: PICTURE PHONE SCREEN. We see BASIL EXPOSITION a
distinguished older man. A desk plate reads: "Basil
Exposition, Chief of British Intelligence."
BASIL EXPOSITION
(on picture phone)
Hello, Austin. This is Basil
Exposition, Chief of British
Intelligence.
You're Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, and you're
with Agent
Mrs. Kensington. The year is 1967, and you're talking on a
picture phone.
AUSTIN
We know all that, Exposition.
BASIL EXPOSITION
I just wanted to be extremely clear
so that everyone knows what's going
on at any given time. We've just
received word that Dr. Evil, the
ultimate square, is planning to take
over the world.
AUSTIN
Dr. Evil? I thought I put him in
jail for good.
BASIL EXPOSITION
I'm afraid not. Earlier this week,
Dr. Evil escaped from Zedel Edel
Prison in Baaden Baaden and now he's
planning a trap for you tonight at
the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat
Swinger's Club in Picadilly Circus
here in swinging London.
A panel revolves to reveal a map of London with lights showing
Austin's position and the location of the club.
AUSTIN
Just where you'd never think to look
for him. We'll be there.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Good luck, Austin.
AUSTIN
Thank you.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Oh, and Austin&emdash;
AUSTIN
Yes?
BASIL EXPOSITION
(pause)
Be careful.
AUSTIN
Thank you.
(to Mrs. Kensington)
Let's go, baby!
EXT. STOCK FOTTAGE - PICADILLY CIRCUS - NIGHT
On top of one building is a three-story high BOB'S BIG BOY
figure.
EXT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB - NIGHT
The Jaguar pulls up in front of the swinging nightclub.
Mrs. Kensington steps out of the car, dressed in a tight
leather fightsuit. She looks fabulous.
INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB
It's a swinging club. FREAKS abound. In one corner, there
is a PRESS CONFERENCE in progress.
MICK JAGGER
Hey Austin Powers, it's me, Mick
Jagger.
AUSTIN
Hey, Mick!
MICK JAGGER
Are you more satisfied now sexually,
Austin?
AUSTIN
Well, you can't always get what you
want.
MICK JAGGER
(thinking)
"You can't always get what you want!"
That's a great title for a song!
I'm
gonna write that, and it'll be a big hit.
AUSTIN
Good on ya, man.
MICK JAGGER
Groovy!
FULL SCREEN INSERT
A vinyl 45 of "You Can't Always Get What You Want."
9 FULL SCREEN INSERT - BILLBOARD CHART
"You Can't Always Get What You Want" at Number One.
INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB
In one corner ANDY WARHOL sits in front of his multi-colored
Elvis (or equivalent). He body paints a butterfly on the
thigh of a MOD GIRL wearing a metallic miniskirt outfit.
ANDY WARHOL
Austin Powers? Hi, I'm Andy Warhol.
AUSTIN
Hey, how are you?
ANDY WARHOL
Hungry.
AUSTIN
Here, have this can of Campbell's
Tomato Soup.
Austin hands Andy a can of soup.
ANDY WARHOL
I'm going to paint this can of soup
and become famous and not give you
any credit for it.
AUSTIN
If you can become famous, everyone
will have their fifteen minutes of
fame, man.
ANDY WARHOL
"Fifteen minutes of fame?" I'm going
to use that quote and not give you
any credit for that, either.
AUSTIN
Smashing!
FULL SCREEN INSERT
Andy Warhol's famous Soup Can painting.
INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB
HER MAJESTY, THE QUEEN is giving Austin a Victoria's Cross
like the Lyndon Johnson scene in Forrest Gump. Behind them,
are two COLDSTREAM GUARDS and the DUKE OF EDINBURGH.
QUEEN
Austin Powers, Britain owes you a
debt of gratitude.
Austin gives a cheeky look to Mrs. Kensington.
QUEEN
I understand you were wounded. Where
were you hit?
AUSTIN
In the but-tocks.
QUEEN
That must be a sight. I'd kind of
like to see that.
Austin turns around, drops his pants, and shows his wounded
bum (matching Gump's) to the queen.
The queen walks away.
QUEEN
(laughing)
Nice buttocks.
In the line-up we also see FOREST GUMP. He has to pee very
badly.
MRS. KENSINGTON
We've got to find Dr. Evil!
AUSTIN
Wait, I've got an idea.
He PUNCHES a PRETTY MOD GIRL in the face, knocking her out
cold.
EVERYONE
Ohhh!
MRS. KENSINGTON
Austin, why in God's name did you
strike that woman?
AUSTIN
That ain't no woman! It's a man,
man. It's one of Dr. Evil's
assassins.
Austin pulls off the mod girl's wig. She is a MALE ASSASSIN.
The assassin comes to and leaps to his feet.
Mrs. Kensington knocks his feet from under him. The assassin
hits the ground and pulls out a dagger. Mrs. Kensington
kicks the knife out of his hand and Austin gets him in a
head-lock from behind.
AUSTIN
Where's Doctor Evil?
ANGLE ON: A FINGER WITH DR. EVIL'S INSIGNIA ON IT. THE
FINGER PULLS THE TRIGGER OF A SPEAR
gun. The assassin falls forward. A spear protrudes from
his back. Austin sees Dr. Evil as he runs through a door.
They give chase.
INT. CLUB - BACK ROOM
They enter. Dr. Evil climbs into an egg chair.
AUSTIN
I've got you again, Dr. Evil!
The chair fills with a WHITE MIST.
DR. EVIL
(unseen, through mist)
Not this time. Come, Mr.
Bigglesworth!
(calling out)
See you in the future, Mr. Powers!
Before the doors close, the white CAT jumps in the egg chair.
A sign on the egg reads "CRYOGENIC
FREEZING BEGINNING."
MRS. KENSINGTON
My God! He's freezing himself.
Austin begins FIRING at the egg chair. The ceiling opens up
and the egg rises through the opening. Everything begins to
RUMBLE. Rocket exhaust pours out of the ceiling.
EXT. ROOF - NIGHT
The Bob's Big Boy rocket begins to LIFT OFF.
EXT. CLUB - SIDEWALK - NIGHT
PEOPLE outside the club react to the rocket.
EXT. EARTH FROM SPACE
The Bob's Big Boy rocket leaves the atmosphere. Mr.
Bigglesworth is pressed to the window like one of those
stuffed Garfields.
DR. EVIL (V.O.)
(shivering)
I'll be back, Mr. Powers, when free
love is dead, and greed and avarice
once again rule the world.
EXT. NORAD - COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO
GRAPHIC: 1997 - NORAD - COLORADO SPRINGS THIS SCENE IS SHOT
IN THE MULTIPLE SPLIT SCREEN STYLE, LIKE THE THOMAS CROWN
AFFAIR:
16 FULL SCREEN - INT. NORAD TRACKING ROOM
A BLIP appears on the radar screen.
RADAR OPERATOR
(on phone)
Commander Gilmour?
17 SPLIT SCREEN 2 - INT. COMMANDER GILMOUR'S OFFICE
COMMANDER GILMOUR, a distinguished man in his fifties.
RADAR OPERATOR
(on phone)
Commander, this is Slater in SoWest
Com Three. We have a potential bogey
with erratic vectoring and an
unorthodox entry angle.
COMMANDER GILMOUR
(on phone)
Is it one of ours?
RADAR OPERATOR
No. Log Com Bird Twelve says its
metalurg recon analysis is a standard
alloy, not stealthy, not carbon-
composite.
(pause)
It does have an odd shape, sir.
COMMANDER GILMOUR
What are you saying, son?
RADAR OPERATOR
It appears to be in the shape of
Bob's Big Boy, sir.
18 SCREEN 3 - THE BOB'S BIG BOY ROCKET
The rocket is dirty and battered from thirty years in space.
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Oh my God, he's back.
DRAMATIC STING
RADAR OPERATOR
In many ways, Bob's Big Boy never
left, sir. He's always offered the
same high quality meals at competitive
prices.
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Shut up.
RADAR OPERATOR
Should we scramble TacHQ for an
intercept?
COMMANDER GILMOUR
What's its current position?
19 SCREEN 4 - A RADAR MAP OF NEVADA
On the radar screen it says "NEVADA."
RADAR SCREEN
It was over Nevada, but...oh my God!
It's gone!
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Listen son, I want you to forget
what you saw here tonight.
RADAR OPERATOR
Commander, I have to log it&emdash;
COMMANDER GILMOUR
That's a direct order. You didn't
see a thing!
He hangs up and picks up another phone.
COMMANDER GILMOUR
(into phone)
Philips.
20 SCREEN 5 - SERGEANT PHILIPS AT HIS DESK
SERGEANT PHILIPS picks up the phone.
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Call the President
SCREEN 6 - THE WHITE HOUSE
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Prepare the jet...
22 SCREEN 7 - AN AIR FORCE JET ON A RUNWAY
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Get my overnight bag.
23 SCREEN 8 - AN OVERNIGHT BAG
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Philips, do me a favor and feed my
fish.
SCREEN 9 - FISH IN A TANK
A hand enters and sprinkles fish food.
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Not too much!
The hand re-enters and scoops up some of the fish food.
COMMANDER GILMOUR
I'm going to London, England.
EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE - LONDON, ENGLAND
GRAPHIC: LONDON, ENGLAND - MINISTRY OF DEFENSE
MUSIC: "RULE BRITANNIA"
INT. M.O.D. - HALLWAY (OUTSIDE CRYOGENIC STORAGE FACILITY)
Basil Exposition (now aged 30 years), Command Gilmour, and
NICOLAI BORSCHEVSKY, a Russian General, put on extreme-weather
gear over their uniforms.
BASIL EXPOSITION
As you know, gentlemen, Dr. Evil had
himself frozen in 1967. Soon after,
Austin Powers volunteered to have
himself frozen, in the event Dr.
Evil should ever return. We believe
Dr. Evil has begun yet another plot
to take over the world. And that,
gentlemen, is why we're here.
COMMAND GILMOUR
Outstanding re-cap, Exposition.
Command Gilmour opens a vault door. COLD MIST escapes.
INT. M.O.D. - CRYOGENIC STORAGE FACILITY
They pass a row of cryogenic holding berths, each containing
a naked PERSON in suspended animation, a la Demolition Man.
They pass GARY COLEMAN, EVEL KNIEVAL (with cape), and VANILLA
ICE, all in suspended animation. They pass a now-empty berth
with a plate that reads "JOHN
TRAVOLTA."
BORSCHEVSKY
Who is this Austin Powers? Is he a
British operative?
BASIL EXPOSITION
No, he worked freelance, an
internationally renowned swinging
photographer by day and the ultimate
gentlemen spy by night.
Finally, they come across Austin Powers: He is naked. His
hands cover up his private parts. The look on his face
suggests 'Oh my God, my bits and pieces are cold'. His
glasses are frosted over. He is very hairy.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Attention, Stage One, laser cutting
beginning.
Lasers begin to cut Austin out of the ice in one huge cube.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Laser cutting complete. Stage Two,
warm liquid goo phase beginning.
A ROBOTIC ARM lifts the cube out of the berth and places it
into a high-tech melting vat of warm liquid GOO.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Warm liquid goo phases complete.
Stage Three, reanimation beginning.
Austin comes to life out of the goo on a draining platform.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Reanimation complete. Stage Four,
cleansing beginning.
INT. EXAMINATION AREA
Technicians lead a half-asleep Austin to a screened area,
where only his feet and head are visible. He's washed off
with a series of hot-water jets.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Cleansing complete. Stage Five,
evacuation beginning.
He's given futuristic inoculations and then led to a screened-
in toilet area. We can hear the sound of PEE ENTERING THE
BOWL.
He PEES for a while, then a little longer.
And then EVEN LONGER STILL.
The stream seems to be subsiding...then begins STRONGER than
ever.
He is still PEEING.
Finally, it STOPS.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER (PA)
Evacuation com...
He begins PEEING again.
A little LONGER.
Then in short staccato BURSTS.
The it STOPS. Pause.
Two DRIPS.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
Evacuation...
(waiting)
Complete! The cryogenic state of
Austin Powers is now completed.
Austin lies in a bed tilted up in an extreme angle ?la Dr.
Frankenstein's lab. NURSE TECHNICIANS administer injections
and monitor electrodes, IV's, and other biological sensors.
AUSTIN
(weakly)
Where am I?
BASIL EXPOSITION
You're in the Ministry of Defense.
It's 1997. You've been cryogenically
frozen for thirty years.
AUSTIN
(shouting)
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
BASIL EXPOSITION
The shouting is a temporary side-
effect of the unfreezing process.
AUSTIN
Yes, I'm having trouble
controlling&emdash;
(shouting)
THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!
BASIL EXPOSITION
You might also experience a slight
fever, dry mouth, and flatulence at
moments of extreme relaxation.
Austin, this is Commander Gilmour,
Strategic Command, and General
Borschevsky, Russian Intelligence.
AUSTIN
Russian Intelligence? Are you mad?
BASIL EXPOSITION
A lot's happened since you were
frozen, Austin. The cold war's over.
AUSTIN
Thank God. Those capitalist dogs
will finally pay for their crimes
against the people,
hey Comrades?
BASIL EXPOSITION
We won, Austin.
AUSTIN
Groovy. Smashing! Good on ya!
(to Gilmour)
Nice tie. Yea capitalism!
COMMANDER GILMOUR
Mr. Powers, the President's very
concerned. We've got a madman on
the loose in Nevada.
BASIL EXPOSITION
It's Dr. Evil.
AUSTIN
When do I begin?
BASIL EXPOSITION
Immediately. You'll be working with
Ms. Kensington.
AUSTIN
You mean Mrs. Kensington?
BASIL EXPOSITION
No, Austin, Mrs. Kensington has long-
since retired. Ms. Kensington is
her daughter.
VANESSA KENSINGTON, Mrs. Kensington's daughter, beautiful,
mid-Twenties, English, enters. She is wearing a very
conservative, business pantsuit. Her hair is up and she
wears glasses. Austin's breath is taken away.
She sets down a huge stack of files.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Vanessa's one of our top agents.
AUSTIN
(out loud, to himself)
My God, Vanessa's got a smashing
body. I bet she shags like a minx.
How do I tell them that because of
the unfreezing process, I have no
inner monologue?
(pause)
I hope I didn't say that out loud
just now.
There is an uncomfortable SILENCE.
VANESSA
Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimate
you to the Nineties. You know, a
lot's changed since 1967.
AUSTIN
Well, as long as people are still
having promiscuous sex with many
anonymous partners without protection,
while at the same time experimenting
with mind-expanding
drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a
pound.
VANESSA
My mother's told me all about you.
AUSTIN
If it's a lie, goddamn her. It it's
the truth, goddamn me.
(pause)
God, I hope that's witty. How's
your mum?
VANESSA
My mother's doing quite well, thank
you very much.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Yes, well...Agent Kensington will
get you set up. She's very dedicated.
Perhaps, a little too dedicated.
(aside to Austin)
She's got a bit of a bug up her ass.
Good luck, Austin, the world's
depending on you.
AUSTIN
Thank you, Exposition.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Oh, and Austin&emdash;
AUSTIN
Yes?
BASIL EXPOSITION
Be careful.
AUSTIN
Thanks.
Basil exits.
INT. M.O.D. - QUARTERMASTER'S WINDOW
Austin and Vanessa wait at the window.
VANESSA
Let's gather your personal effects,
shall we?
A CLERK brings out a locker-basket and reads off a list.
CLERK
(reading)
Danger Powers, personal effects.
AUSTIN
Actually, my name's Austin Powers.
CLERK
It says here, name Danger Powers.
AUSTIN
Danger's my middle name.
CLERK
OK, Austin Danger Powers: One blue
crushed-velvet suit. One frilly
lace cravat. One gold medallion
with peace symbol. One pair of
Italian shoes. One pair of tie-dyed
socks, purple. One vinyl recording
album: Tom Jones, Live at Las Vegas.
One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump.
AUSTIN
(embarrassed)
That's not mine.
CLERK
(reading)
One credit card receipt for Swedish-
made penis enlarger pump, signed
Austin Powers.
AUSTIN
I'm telling you, baby, that's not
mine.
CLERK
(reading)
One warranty card for Swedish-made
penis enlarger pump, filled out by
Austin Powers.
AUSTIN
I don't even know what this is.
This sort of thing ain't my bag,
baby.
CLERK
(reading)
One book: Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger
Pumps and Me: This Sort of Thing Is
My Bag, Baby, by Austin Powers.
The clerk shows the book to Austin, who is humiliated.
AUSTIN
OK, OK man, don't get heavy, I'll
sign. Just to get things moving,
baby.
VANESSA
Listen, Mr. Powers, I look forward
to working with you, but do me a
favor and stop calling me baby. You
can address me as Agent Kensington.
We have to leave immediately. We've
preserved your private jet just as
you left it. It's waiting at Heathrow
Airport.
AUSTIN
(excited)
My jumbo jet? Smashing baby.
EXT. PLANE TAKING OFF - DAY
We see a plane taking off in silhouette.
EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - DAY
A multi-colored psychedelic jumbo jet with Austin's logo on
the tailpiece.
INT. PRIVATE PSYCHEDELIC JET
The inside looks like Hugh Heffner's jet&emdash; rust shag
carpet, brown walls, and beads. Austin and Vanessa sit on
beanbag chairs. Vanessa works on her lap top.
AUSTIN
Pretty groovy Jumbo Jet, eh? How
does a hot chick like you end up
working at the Ministry of Defense?
VANESSA
I went to Oxford and excelled in
several subjects, but I ended up
specializing in foreign languages.
I wanted to travel -- see the world.
In my last year I was accepted into
the M.O.D. in the Cultural Studies
sector. I thought I was off on an
exciting career, but my job was to
read everything printed in every
country. It's very boring. My whole
day is spent reading wedding
announcements in Farsi. If I do
well with this case, I finally get
promoted to field operative...
AUSTIN
That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen,
why don't we go into the back and
shag?
VANESSA
I beg your pardon?
AUSTIN
I've been frozen for thirty years,
man, I want to see if my bits and
pieces are still working.
VANESSA
Excuse me?
AUSTIN
My wedding tackle.
VANESSA
I'm sorry?
AUSTIN
My meat and two veg.
VANESSA
Mr. Powers, please. I know that you
must be a little confused, but we
have a very serious situation at
hand. I would appreciate it if you'd
concentrate on our mission and give
your libido a rest.
AUSTIN
Have you ever made love to a Chigro?
VANESSA
A Chigro?
AUSTIN
You know, a Chigro&emdash; part
Chinese, part Negro&emdash; Chigro.
VANESSA
(offended)
We don't use the term 'Negro' anymore.
It's considered offensive.
AUSTIN
That's right. You're supposed to
say 'colored' now, right?
(spotting the flight
attendants)
Here's the stewardesses! Bring on
the sexy stews!
The STEWARDESSES enter. They're not dressed very sexily.
One of them is a man and another wears braces.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Excuse me, did you say 'stewardess'?
We're called 'flight attendants'
now, thank you very much.
AUSTIN
Oh, I get it, it's like 'I'm not a
whore, I'm a sex worker', baby.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My name is Mrs. Wilkenson. There
are a few things we need to discuss.
First of all, we're not wearing these.
She holds up some skimpy, lingerie-type flight outfits.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
ALSO, I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ITINERARY. IT SAYS
HERE, '4:30 - DINNER, 5:30 -
Everyone Gets Naked and Covered with Baby Oil, 6:00 - Orgy'?
AUSTIN
Seems pretty straightforward, don't
you think...listen darling, I think
you're a fabulous bird. Can I get
your telephone number?
FLGHT ATTENDANT
(mock sexy)
Sure, it's easy to remember.
(writing on his hand)
It's 777-FILM. We have to prepare
the craft for take-off now.
AUSTIN
Smashing! When we land I'll give
you a tinkle on the telling bone.
The flight attendant gives him a chilly stare and then exits.
AUSTIN
Brrrr! She must be frigid. There's
two things I know about life: one,
Americans will never take to soccer.
Two, Swedish girls and stewardesses
love to shag!
They're shag-mad, man! Let me ask you a question, Vanessa,
and be honest.
VANESSA
Sure.
AUSTIN
Do I make you horny?
VANESSA
What?
AUSTIN
Do I make you horny? Randy, you
know. To you, am I eros manifest?
VANESSA
I hope this is part of the unfreezing
process.
AUSTIN
Listen, Vanessa, I'm a swinger&emdash;
that's what I do, I swing.
VANESSA
I understand that, Mr. Powers, but
let me be perfectly clear with you,
perhaps to the point of being
insulting. I will never have sex
with you, ever. If you were the
last man on Earth and I was the last
woman on Earth, and the future of
the human race depended on our having
sex simply for procreation, I still
would not have sex with you.
Austin is oblivious.
AUSTIN
What's you point, Vanessa?
EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - NIGHT
Austin's plane. Time has passed.
IINT. PRIVATE JET - NIGHT
Vanessa's lap-top BEEPS.
COMPUTER VOICE
You've got mail!
ANGLE ON: the computer screen. It's Basil Exposition.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Hello Austin. Hello Vanessa. This
is Basil Exposition, from British
Intelligence.
There's a company in Las Vegas called Virtucon that we think
may be linked to Dr. Evil. Many of the Virtucon executives
gamble at the hotel/casino where you'll be staying. That's
the first place you should look. Well, I'm off to the chat
rooms.
AUSTIN
Thank you, Exposition.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Oh, and Austin&emdash;
AUSTIN
Yes?
BASIL EXPOSITION
Be careful.
Vanessa closes her lap-top.
PILOT
(over loudspeaker)
Ladies and gentlemen, we're beginning
our final descent into Las Vegas
International Airport. Flight
attendants will be coming by to
collect your drinks, and I'll ask
you at this time to please return to
the main cabin and put your
bean-bags in the upright position.
Austin and Vanessa fasten the seatbelts on their bean bags.
EXT. AIRPLANE LANDING - NIGHT
We see a plane's lights landing at night.
ZOOM CUT TO:
INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK
MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE
GRAPHIC: The Trip Using a sequence of snap-zooms, colored
projections, and flashing lights, we see Austin dance crazily
?la BOB FOSSE with a GO-GO GIRL in a bikini with the Austin
Powers logo body-painted on her midriff.
The sequence lasts five seconds and is very groovy.
EXT. LAS VEGAS MONTAGE - NIGHT
Sights and sounds of Las Vegas icons at night: "Welcome to
Las Vegas" sign. Luxor. The giant cowboy whose arm waves.
Caesar's Palace. The montage ends on the modern skyline of
Las Vegas.
GRAPHIC: 1997, SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA
INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS
DR. EVIL
(face again unseen)
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's been a
long time, but I'm back. It's all
gone perfectly to plan except for
one small flaw. Because of a
technical error, my right arm was
not frozen. I was therefore by
definition only partially frozen.
ANGLE ON EVIL ASSOCIATE MUSTAFA. He is terrified and sweaty,
eyes darting left and right.
MUSTAFA
But my design was perfect! Your
autonomic functions were shut down,
and even though your arm wasn't
frozen, the aging was retarded,
therefore your right arm is only
slightly older than the left.
DR. EVIL
Can't you see I'm only half a man?
Look at me, I'm a freak!
He holds up his older right arm, which looks normal.
MUSTAFA
But Dr. Evil, all you need to do
is&emdash;
(holding up tennis
ball)
--work with this tennis ball. Squeeze
it for twenty minutes a day. A few
months of that and it'll be just as
strong as the other arm...
DR. EVIL
And look what you've done to Mr.
Bigglesworth!
ANGLE ON MR. BIGGLESWORTH
who is now totally hairless, with a fringe of white hair
around it's ears, like Dr. Evil himself.
MUSTAFA
We could not anticipate feline
complications due to the reanimation
process&emdash;
DR. EVIL
(face unseen)
Silence!
ANGLE ON A HAND WITH DR. EVIL'S RING ON IT
Dr. Evil presses a button. Mustafa's chair tips back and he
falls backwards into a pit.
MUSTAFA
(blood-curdling scream)
Ahhhhhhhhh!
DR. EVIL
(face unseen)
Let this be a reminder to you all
that this organization will not
tolerate failure.
MUSTAFA'S SCREAMS ECHO FAINTLY
ANGLE ON: DR. EVIL FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE IS IN HIS EARLY
FIFTIES AND IS BALD, WITH A HIDEOUS
scar on his cheek.
DR. EVIL
Gentlemen, let's get down to business.
More muffled SCREAMS.
DR. EVIL
We've got a lot of work to do.
MUSTAFA (O.S.)
(muffled)
Someone help me! I'm still alive,
only I'm very badly burned.
DR. EVIL
(slightly distracted)
Some of you I know, some of you I'm
meeting for the first time.
MUSTAFA (O.S.)
(muffled)
Hello up there! Anyone! Can someone
call an ambulance? I'm in quite a
lot of pain.
DR. EVIL
(very frustrated)
You've all been gathered here to
form my Evil Cabinet. Excuse me.
He picks up a white phone and MURMURS into it.
MUSTAFA (O.S.)
(muffled)
If somebody can open the retrieval
hatch down here, I could get out.
See, I designed this device myself
and...oh, hi! Good, I'm glad you
found me. Listen, I'm very badly
burned, so if you could just&emdash;
SFX: Muffled Gunshot
MUSTAFA (O.S.)
(muffled)
Ow! You shot me!
DR. EVIL
Right. Okay. Moving on.
MUSTAFA (O.S.)
(muffled)
You shot me right in the arm! Why
did&emdash; SFX: Muffled Gunshot.
Dr. Evil waits. Nothing.
DR. EVIL
Let me go around the table and
introduce everyone. Frau
Farbissina...
ANGLE ON FRAU FARBISSINA
DR. EVIL
...founder of the militant wing of
the Salvation Army. Random Task...
RANDOM TASK is a large Korean man in a butler's uniform.
DR. EVIL
...a Korean ex-wrestler, evil handyman
extraordinaire. Show them what you
do.
He stands up, bows, then takes off his shoe and THROWS it.
It knocks the head off a sculpture across the room.
DR. EVIL
Thank you, Random Task. Patty
O'Brien...
PATTY O'BRIEN, a small, wiry Irishman with fiery eyes.
DR. EVIL
...ex-Irish assassin. His trademark?
Around PATTY O'BRIENS WRIST is a charm bracelet.
DR. EVIL
A superstitious man, he leaves a
tiny keepsake on every victim he
kills. Scotland Yard would love to
get their hands on that piece of
evidence.
PATTY O'BRIEN
(heavy Irish accent)
Yes, they're always after me lucky
charms!
Everyone in the room tries to keep a straight face.
PATTY O'BRIEN
What? What? Why does everyone always
laugh when I say that? They are
after me lucky charms.
They cannot contain their LAUGHTER.
PATTY O'BRIEN
(angry)
What?
FRAU FARBISSINA
(through suppressed
laughter)
It's a television commercial with
this little cartoon Leprechaun who
is a benevolent imp who is very
concerned that these children will
steal his lucky charms which are
foodstuffs fashioned into various
shapes&emdash; hearts, moons, clovers,
what have you...
(pause)
It's a long story.
DR. EVIL
Finally, I come to my number two
man. His name: Number Two.
NUMBER TWO, a good-looking 40-year-old man with an eye-patch.
DR. EVIL
For thirty years, Number Two has run
Virtucon, the legitimate face of my
evil empire.
He hits a button. The conference table slowly rotates to
reveal a large, illuminated map of the United States dotted
by various miniature models.
NUMBER TWO
Over the last thirty years, Virtucon
has grown by leaps and bounds. About
fifteen years ago, we changed from
volatile chemicals to the
communication industry. We own cable
companies in thirty-eight states.
The thirty-eight states illuminate on the map.
NUMBER TWO
In addition to our cable holdings,
we own a steel mill in Cleveland.
A steel mill miniature illuminates in Cleveland.
NUMBER TWO
Shipping in Texas.
A ship off the coast of Texas illuminates.
NUMBER TWO
Oil refineries in Seattle.
An oil refinery illuminates in Seattle.
NUMBER TWO
And a factory in Chicago that makes
miniature models of factories.
The miniature model factory lights up in Chicago.
NUMBER TWO
We also own the Franklin mint, which
makes decorative hand-painted theme
plates for collectors.
(holds up plate)
Some plates, like the Gone With The
Wind series, have gone up in value
as much as two-hundred and forty
percent, but, as with any investment,
there is some risk involved.
DR. EVIL
Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called
blackmail. The Royal Family of
Britain are the wealthiest landowners
in the world. Either the Royal Family
pays us an exorbitant amount of money,
or we make it look like Prince
Charles, the heir to the throne, has
had an affair outside of marriage
and, therefore, they would have to
divorce.
There is an uncomfortable silence.
NUMBER TWO
Um, Dr. Evil, Prince Charles did
have an affair. He admitted it, and
they are now divorced, actually.
DR. EVIL
People have to tell me these things.
I've been frozen for thirty years,
throw me a bone here.
(pausing)
OK, no problem. Here's my second
plan. Back in the Sixties I had a
weather changing machine that was in
essence a sophisticated heat beam
which we called a "laser." Using
this laser, we punch a hole in the
protective layer around
the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly
but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the
risk of skin cancer. That is, unless the world pays us a
hefty ransom.
There is another uncomfortable silence.
NUMBER TWO
Umm, that also has already happened.
DR. EVIL
Right.
(pause)
Oh, hell, let's just do what we always
do. Let's hijack some nuclear weapons
and hold the world hostage.
(pause)
Gentlemen, it's come to my attention
that a breakaway Russian Republic
called Kreplachistan will be
transferring a nuclear warhead to
the United Nations in a few days.
Here's the plan. We get the warhead,
and we hold the world ransom...
(dramatic pause)
...FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
There is an uncomfortable pause.
NUMBER TWO
Don't you think we should ask for
more than a million dollars? A
million dollars isn't that much money
these days.
DR. EVIL
All right then...
(dramatic pause)
...FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!
There is another uncomfortable pause.
NUMBER TWO
Virtucon alone makes over nine billion
dollars a year.
DR. EVIL
(pleasantly surprised)
Oh, really?
(slightly irritated)
One-hundred billion dollars.
(pause)
OK, make it happen. Anything else?
FRAU FARBISSINA
Remember when we froze your semen,
you said that if it looked like you
weren't coming back to try and make
you a son so that a part of you would
live forever?
DR. EVIL
Yes.
FRAU FARBISSINA
Well, after a few years, we got sort
of impatient. Dr. Evil, I want you
to meet your son.
DR. EVIL
My son?
FRAU FARBISSINA
Yes.
(calling out)
Scott!
SCOTT EVIL walks out. He is fifteen, grungy, and wears a
Kurt Cobain T-shirt.
SCOTT EVIL
Hi.
DR. EVIL
Hello, Scott. I'm your father, Dr.
Evil.
(emotional)
I have a son! I have a son!
Everyone, I have a son!
(gesturing to globe)
Someday, Scott, this will all be
yours.
SCOTT EVIL
I haven't seen you my whole life and
now you show up and want a
relationship? I hate you!
EXT. JAGUAR - DRIVING - VEGAS - DAY
Vanessa and Austin drive in his perfectly-preserved Jag.
AUSTIN
You've preserved my Jag! Smashing!
VANESSA
Yes, we've had it retrofitted with a
secure cellular phone, an on-board
computer, and a Global Geosynchronous
Positioning Device. Oh, and finally,
this.
The glove compartment revolves to reveal a display of various
dental hygiene products&emdash; floss, toothpaste, toothbrush,
dental mirror, and cleaning tool.
AUSTIN
Let me guess. The floss is garotte
wire, the toothpaste contains plastic
explosives, and the toothbrush is
the detonation device.
VANESSA
No, actually. I don't know how to
put this really. Well, there have
been fabulous advances in the field
of dentistry.
AUSTIN
Why? What's wrong with my teeth?
EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - NIGHT
The Union Jack-emblazoned Jaguar pulls up to the front door.
INT. VEGAS HOTEL ROOM
Vanessa carries her compact flight attendant bag and Austin
takes his two bright red oversized leatherette Samsonite
suitcases.
AUSITN
Which side of the bed do you want?
VANESSA
You're going to sleep on the sofa.
I'd like to remind you, Mr. Powers,
that the only reason we're sharing a
room is to support our cover story
that we're a married couple on
vacation.
AUSTIN
So, shall we shag now, or shall we
shag later? How do you like to do
it? Do you like to wash up first?
Top and tails? A whore's bath?
Personally, before I'm on the job, I
like to give my undercarriage a bit
of a how's-your-father.
AUSTIN
(off her angry reaction)
I'm just joking, Vanessa. Trying to
get a rise out of you.
They both laugh.
VANESSA
Let's unpack.
HER LUGGAGE: In the inside flap is a types list of contents.
All of her items are in separate, labeled plastic bags.
AUSTIN
Gor blimey, nerd alert.
HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a Nehru jacket and a huge Remington
shaver with huge English plug.
HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out a compact clothes steamer/travel
iron and a Braun blow drier.
HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a vintage 1967 Playboy and a bottle
of Jurgens lotion.
HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out Wet-Naps, her underthings in a
plastic baggie marked "Underthings" and her shoes in a baggie
marked "Shoes."
HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a miniature meditation gong and
Hai Karate cologne.
HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out a dossier labeled "Dr. Evil -
Top Secret."
HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out the Swedish penis enlarger pump.
Vanessa sees it.
AUSTIN
Hey, who put this in here? Someone's
playing a prank on me! Honestly,
this isn't mine.
VANESSA
(suffering)
I'm sure.
AUSTIN
I think I'll give that stew a ding-a-
ling.
Austin casually dials the phone while looking at his palm.
After a beat we hear a loud MALE VOICE coming through the
handset.
MOVIE PHONE VOICE
(through handset)
Hello! And welcome to 777-FILM!
Austin covers the mouthpiece and whispers to Vanessa.
AUSTIN
I got her answering machine.
INT. CASINO
Austin and Vanessa walk through the casino. Austin gives
PEOPLE two-handed handshakes. They stare like he's a freak.
AUSTIN
I love Las Vegas, man. Oh, I forgot
my x-ray glasses.
VANESSA
Here, use mine.
AUSTIN
I'm going to use a cover name. It's
important that it be a generic name
so that we don't draw attention to
ourselves.
INT. CASINO
Austin and Vanessa join the high-rollers table. Number Two
is there, complete with eyepatch. On one side of him is a
beautiful ITALIAN WOMAN (a la SOPHIA LOREN) in a white dress
with a white kerchief on her head. On the other side of him
is an extremely large-breasted BIMBO.
AUSTIN
Do you mind if I join you?
NUMBER TWO
Not at all.
The DEALER deals.
DEALER
Seventeen.
Zoom in on Number Two's eyepatch.
NUMBER TWO'S MONOCULAR POV
GRAPHIC: "X-RAY EYEPATCH". We see everyone at the casino
in their underwear. He looks at the next card in the shoe.
It is a 4.
NUMBER TWO
Hit me.
DEALER
You have seventeen, sir. The book
says not to, sir.
NUMBER TWO
I like to live dangerously.
The dealer draws a card from the card shoe.
DEALER
Four. Twenty-one.
Everyone at the table applauds. The dealer deals to Austin
and Number Two.
DEALER
(to Austin)
Eighteen.
(to Number Two)
Sixteen.
NUMBER TWO'S POV
GRAPHIC: "X-RAY EYEPATCH". He looks at the shoe at the
shoe and sees that the next card is a ten.
NUMBER TWO
I'll stay.
DEALER
(to Austin)
Sir?
Smugly, Austin puts on Vanessa's x-ray glasses.
AUSTIN'S POV
GRAPHIC: "X-RAY SPECS". Everyone is in their underwear,
but it is completely blurry.
DEALER
(to Austin)
Sir?
VANESSA
(quietly)
What's wrong?
AUSTIN
(quietly, to Vanessa)
I can't see a bloody thing.
VANESSA
Oh, I forgot to tell you, they're
prescription X-ray glasses. I have
very bad astigmatism.
DEALER
Sir, the table is waiting.
AUSTIN
(panicking)
Uh, hit me.
The table MURMURS.
DEALER
On an eighteen, sir?
AUSTIN
Yes, I also like to live dangerously.
The dealer deals him the ten.
NUMBER TWO
You're very brave.
AUSTIN
Cards are not my bag, man. Allow
myself to introduce...myself. My
name is Ritchie Cunningham.
Vanessa is mortified.
AUSTIN
(indicating Vanessa)
This is my wife, Enid.
NUMBER TWO
My name is Number Two.
He extends his hand to shake. Austin extends his hand, but
misses and begins to shake the bimbo's breast. There is an
awkward pause. Austin takes off his glasses.
VANESSA
(rescuing him)
Number Two? That's an unusual name.
NUMBER TWO
My parents were hippies.
(indicating Italian
woman)
This is my Italian confidential
secretary.
ITALIAN WOMAN
(Italian accent)
My name is Alotta
(quickly)
Alotta Fagina.
AUSTIN
I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it.
It sounds like you're saying your
name is a lot of...never mind.
Listen, cats, I'm going to crash.
It's been a gas.
NUMBER TWO
Bye-bye, Mr...Cunningham?
AUSTIN
Peace, baby.
Austin and Vanessa leave.
INT. CASINO
VANESSA
Why did you leave so soon?
AUSTIN
That cat Number Two has an X-ray
eyepatch. I get bad vibes from him,
man. Listen, we should go back to
the room, but first I have to go to
the naughty chair and see a man about
a dog.
He heads to the rest room.
INT. HIGH ROLLERS TABLE - CASINO
Number Two has been watching them. He presses a BUTTON.
INT. BATHROOM - CASINO
Austin enters to see a gregarious TEXAN in a huge cowboy
hat. Austin enters a stall. The Texan enters the adjoining
stall.
TEXAN
Good luck, buddy. You don't buy
food, you rent it.
AUSTIN
Too right, youth.
INT. BATHROOM STALL
Austin sits down. Behind him, a panel SLIDES OPEN, revealing
Patty O'Brien. His charm bracelet JINGLES. Austin looks
back. Patty's bracelet is now garotte wire. He wraps it
around Austin's throat. Austin gets his thumbs between the
wire and certain death.
AUSTIN
(grunting)
Uh, uh!
INT. TEXAN'S STALL
The Texan can only see Austin's feet, which are moving about
frantically. He can hear the
GRUNTING.
TEXAN
Hey pardner, just relax, don't force
it! Use some creative visualization.
INT. AUSTIN'S STALL
Austin GRUNTS and snaps his head back into Patty O'Brien's
crotch. Patty O'Brien GROANS in agony.
PATTY O'BRIEN
(groaning)
Ughhhhh...
Austin breaks free of the charm bracelet/garotte, grabs Patty
O'Brien's head, and pulls it between his legs so that it
hovers above the toilet bowl.
AUSTIN
Who does Number Two work for?
INT. TEXAN'S STALL
TEXAN
That's right! Show that turd who's
boss!
INT. AUSITN'S STALL
AUSTIN
Who does Number Two work for?
PATTY O'BRIEN
(quietly, straining)
Go to hell.
Austin drops Patty's head into the toilet and FLUSHES. We
hear MUFFLED GURGLING SOUNDS from Patty O'Brien.
INT. TEXAN'S STALL
The Texan hears all of this, and is now concerned.
INT. AUSTIN'S STALL
Austin reaches into Patty O'Brien's wallet. We see his Dr.
Evil ID card and Alotta's Virtucon business card with her
address.
INT. BATHROOM
Austin is leaving his stall. The Texan can see Patty
O'Brien's dead body head-first in the toilet.
TEXAN
Jesus Christ, what did you eat?
ANGLE ON THE FLOOR OF AUSTIN'S STALL
Patty O'Brien's lifeless hand hits the floor. The charms
come tumbling out: a heart, a moon, a star, and a clover. A
second later, a blue diamond falls out.
INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK
MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE
GRAPHIC: Love Power Austin and the go-go girl dance crazily.
EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - MORNING
INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY
Vanessa is on the phone on the bed sifting through photos
and files on Dr. Evil, Virtucon, etc.
In the background, through an open door, we see that Austin
is asleep on the couch.
VANESSA
(into phone)
Hello Mum?
INT. MRS. KENSINGTON'S HOUSE - LONDON
An older Mrs. Kensington sits in her suburban English front
room.
MRS. KENSINGTON
(on phone)
Oh, hello Vanessa. How was the
flight?
VANESSA (V.O.)
Great.
MRS. KENSINGTON
How's Austin?
VANESSA (V.O.)
He's asleep.
MRS. KENSINGTON
You didn't...
INT. HOTEL SUITE
VANESSA
Oh, God no, I made him sleep on the
couch.
In the background, we see Austin get off the couch. He is
very naked and very hairy. A strategically placed vase of
flowers blocks his naughty bits from view.
MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
I'm proud of you.
VANESSA
Why?
MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
Because you managed to resist Austin
Power's charms.
Austin moves towards the bathroom away from the flowers.
Right in the nick of time, Vanessa holds up a photo of Number
Two and looks at it, blocking his naughty parts.
VANESSA
Well, God knows he tried, but I've
been rather firm with him, Mummy.
You didn't tell me he was so obsessed
with sex. It's bizarre.
MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
You can't judge him by modern
standards. He's very much a product
of his times. In my day he could
have any woman he wanted.
VANESSA
What about his teeth?
SPLIT SCREEN - HOTEL ROOM/MRS. KENSINGTON'S HOUSE
MRS. KENSINGTON
You have to understand, in Britain
in the Sixties you could be a sex
symbol and still have bad teeth. It
didn't matter.
VANESSA
I just don't see it.
MRS. KENSINGTON
Just wait. Once Austin gets you in
his charms, it's impossible to get
out.
VANESSA
Did you ever...
MRS. KENSINGTON
Of course not. I was married to
your father.
VANESSA
Did you ever want to?
MRS. KENSINGTON
Austin is very charming, very
debonair. He's handsome, witty, has
a knowledge of fine wines,
sophisticated, a world-renowned
photographer. Women want hin, men
want to be him. He's a lover of
love&emdash; every bit an
International Man of Mystery.
We hear the TOILET FLUSH. Mrs. Kensington WIPES off the
screen.
Austin re-enters from left to right, still NAKED. Vanessa
holds up Austin's Fab Magazine shoot from the Sixties, and
in perfect timing blocks his crotch from the camera.
VANESSA
You didn't answer my question, Mum.
MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
I know. Let me just say this: Austin
was the most loyal and caring friend
I ever had.
I will always love him.
AUSTIN (V.O.)
Good morning, luv, who are you on
the phone with?
VANESSA
(to her mother)
Do you want to talk to him?
MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
No, it's been too long. Best to
leave things alone.
VANESSA
(to Austin)
I'm on with a friend!
(to her mother)
Look, I'd better go. I love you.
MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
I love you, Vanessa.
Vanessa hangs up. Austin enters wearing an "Austin Powers"
robe.
AUSTIN
Good morning, Vanessa! I hope you
have on clean underwear.
VANESSA
Why?
AUSTIN
We've got a doctor's
appointment&emdash; an evil doctor's
appointment.
EXT. VIRTUCON MAIN ENTRANCE - DRIVEWAY - DAY
THROUGH BINOCULAR POV CUT-OUTS
We see a black limousine pull up in front. Random Task and
another BODYGUARD exit the limo and secure the area.
EXT. LAS VEGAS - BUSHES
We see that the binoculars belong to Vanessa. She and Austin
are on a stakeout. Austin's Jag is in the background.
VANESSA
A limousine has just pulled up.
AUSTIN
Let me see.
Austin pulls into frame an extremely long telephoto lens
attached to his vintage camera.
EXT. VIRTUCON MAIN ENTRANCE
TELEPHOTO LENS POV
Two more BODYGUARDS leave the building and approach the limo.
Number Two exits the building
holding Mr. Bigglesworth, the hairless cat. He's not happy
about this, and has a scratch on his cheek.
FREEZE FRAME. SFX: Camera motor drive.
EXT. BUSHES
AUSTIN
Hello, hello. That's Dr. Evil's
cat.
VANESSA
How do you know?
AUSTIN
I never forget a pussy...cat.
EXT. FRONT ENTRANCE
TELEPHOTO LENS POV
Number Two hands the hairless cat through limo's window.
FREEZE FRAME. SFX: Camera motor drive.
The limousine speeds off.
EXT. BUSHES
VANESSA
Let's go get him!
AUSTIN
He's too well-protected right now.
VANESSA
We can't just sit here, Austin.
AUSTIN
Let me tell you a story. There's
these two bulls on top of a hill
checking out some foxy cows in the
meadow below. The young bull says,
'hey, why don't we run down the hill
and shag us a cow?', and the wise
old bull replies, 'no, why don't we
walk down the hill and shag all the
cows?'
VANESSA
I don't get it.
AUSTIN
Well, you know...cows, and shagging.
VANESSA
Unfortunately, while you told that
stupid story, Dr. Evil has escaped.
AUSTIN
No worries, luv. We'll just give
Basil a tinkle on the telling bone...
He notices the way the desert light catches her beauty.
AUSTIN
My God, Vanessa, you are so incredibly
beautiful. Stay right where you
are.
Austin changes lenses and begins SNAPPING PICTURES.
VANESSA
I hate having my picture taken.
AUSTIN
You're crazy. The camera loves you,
Vanessa.
Vanessa does a few coy poses.
AUSTIN
Go, Vanessa, go!
Vanessa lets go a little bit more.
WHITE CYC
Austin and Vanessa are in the midst of a full professional
photo shoot, and she's loving it.
Austin begins SNAPPING pictures, all the while changing her
look, touching her hair.
AUSTIN
Alright, luv! Love it! Turn...pout
for me Vanessa. Smashing! Crazy.
Give me some shoulder.
(pause)
Yes! Yes! Yes!
He motions to her two top buttons of her blouse. She nods
no. Austin nods yes. She sheepishly undoes them. A MONTAGE
of her in various gowns, one more exotic and exciting than
the other.
AUSTIN
Show me love. Yes!
(beat)
Smashing!
Vanessa is flanked by two buff MALE MODELS ?la Madonna.
AUSTIN
Great! Great! Smashing!
(beat)
Yes! Yes! Yes!
(beat)
No! No!
Love it. Give me love. Give me mouth. Give me lips.
(BEAT)
Going in very close now.
He goes in closer.
AUSTIN
Give me eyes.
(closer)
Give me cornea.
(closer)
Give me aqueous humour.
(closer)
Coming in closer. Give me retina,
Vanessa.
(closer)
Even closer. Give me optic nerve.
(beat)
Love it!
(beat)
And...done.
He throws the camera down.
AUSTIN
I'm spent. What say you we go out
on the town?
EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET - BUS - NIGHT
Austin and Vanessa are on the top deck of an open air double-
decker English bus having a full-course formal dinner.
They're drinking champagne.
Austin is cutting sausages into ever-smaller pieces, holding
his cutlery very English. He has cut one piece to the point
to which it's a speck. H puts it on the fork and offers it
to her.
AUSTIN
Fancy a nibble?
VANESSA
I couldn't have another bite.
They laugh. They drink. It's TOM JONES, serenading them.
They begin to dance.
Austin gives her roses. Austin is wooing her.
EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET - NIGHT
They walk along the brightly-lit streets, laughing, enjoying
each other's company. Austin gives Vanessa a pet rock. She
graciously accepts.
64 LAS VEGAS - SUPERIMPOSITION MONTAGE
Austin and Vanessa stroll against a changing series of
backgrounds&emdash; neon signs, Vegas icons, dice showgirls,
etc.
INT. HOTEL ROOM
Sounds of MOANS and GROANS. We see Austin's backside sticking
out above a piece of furniture, then Vanessa's high-heeled
leg straining upwards.
VANESSA (O.S.)
Watch out, you're on my hair!
AUSTIN (O.S.)
Sorry. Move your hand to the left.
There you go. Gorgeous.
VANESSA (O.S.)
Go! Just go!
We hear a SPINNING SOUND.
AUSTIN (O.S.)
Left hand, blue.
We now see that Austin and Vanessa are playing TWISTER. She
reaches for left hand blue and they fall over, laughing.
AUSTIN
Wait a tick, I forgot something in
the lobby.
(moving behind the
couch)
I know what. I'll take the stairs.
Behind the couch, Austin mimes going down stairs.
AUSTIN
Maybe I'll take the escalator.
Austin mimes the smooth descent of an escalator.
AUSTIN
Why take the escalator when I could
take a canoe?
Austin mimes rowing a canoe behind the couch.
VANESSA
I haven't had fun like that since
college.
AUSTIN
I'm sorry.
VANESSA
Why?
AUSTIN
I'm sorry that bug up your ass had
to die.
She laughs too much, making a SNORTING sound.
VANESSA
Always wanting to have fun, that's
you in a nutshell.
AUSTIN
No, this is me in a nutshell.
Austin mimes being trapped in a nutshell.
AUSTIN
Help! I'm in a nutshell! What kind
of nut has such a big nutshell? How
did I get into this bloody great big
nutshell?
Vanessa laughs again, SNORTING, tipsy.
AUSTIN
You're smashed, Vanessa.
VANESSA
I am not.
AUSTIN
Oh, yes you are.
VANESSA
I'm not. I'm the sensible one. I'm
always the designated driver.
They are both on the bed. She looks at him. He looks at
her. There is an awkward silence.
She's about to kiss him, then he pulls away.
AUSTIN
I can't. You're drunk.
VANESSA
It's not that I'm drunk, I'm just
beginning to see what my Mum was
talking about.
(pause)
What was my mother like back in the
Sixties? I'm dying to know.
AUSTIN
(sentimental)
She was very groovy. She was so in
love with your Dad. If there was
one
other cat in this world that could have loved your Mum and
treated her as well as you Dad did, it was me. But,
unfortunately for yours truly, that train has sailed.
Austin hears SNORING. He looks over and sees Vanessa asleep.
A distinctive PHONE RINGS and a
RED LIGHT FLASHES.
Austin opens one of his funky suitcases to reveal a PICTURE
PHONE. It's Basil Exposition, on an airplane.
BASIL EXPOSITION
(on the picture phone)
Hello, Austin, this is Basil
Exposition from British Intelligence.
Thank you for confirming the link
between Dr. Evil and Virtucon. Find
out what part Virtucon plays in
something called Project Vulcan.
I'll need you and Vanessa to get on
that immediately.
AUSTIN
Right away, Exposition.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Where is Vanessa, by the way?
Austin looks over at Vanessa's sleeping figure.
AUSTIN
She's working on another lead right
now.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Then you'll have to go it alone.
Good luck.
AUSTIN
Thank you, Basil.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Oh, and Austin&emdash;
AUSTIN
(knowing)
Yes?
BASIL EXPOSITION
Let me remind you that because of
the unfreezing process you might
experience flatulence at moments of
extreme relaxation.
AUSTIN
Oh, yes. Thank you.
BASIL EXPOSITION
There's one more thing, Austin.
AUSTIN
Yes?
BASIL EXPOSITION
Be careful.
AUSTIN
Thank you.
Austin looks at Alotta's Virtucon business card.
INT. ALOTTA'S JAPANESE STYLE PENTHOUSE
Austin is in a dark penthouse suite. Austin passes a piece
of art that is very suggestive of the female anatomy.
AUSTIN
Paging Dr. Freud.
He goes over to a credenza where there is a briefcase. He
opens it.
FULL SCREEN - DOCUMENT
Austin's photographing the dossier with his miniature
camera/pendant.
AUSTIN
(photographing)
Give it to me baby. Super.
We now see that the document outlines all of Virtucon's
holdings in a flow-chart fashion.
AUSTIN
Pout for me, luv. Smashing. Yes!
Yes! Yes! No! No!
One side of the chart is labeled "Secret Projects." Under
that we see "Human Organ Trafficking", "Carrot Top Movie",
and in CLOSE-UP&emdash; "Project Vulcan."
We see schematics for some sort of subterranean probe and a
cross-section of the earth labeled "Crust, Mantel, Core."
AUSTIN
And I'm spent.
The front door opens. It's Alotta.
AUSTIN
You seem surprised to see me.
ALOTTA
I thought you'd quit while you were
ahead.
AUSTIN
What, and watch all my earnings go...
(smug)
Down the toilet?
ALOTTA
What do you want, Mr...Cunningham,
was it?
AUSTIN
Call me Ritchie, Miss Fagina. May I
call you Alotta...
(pause)
Please?
ALOTTA
You may.
AUSTIN
Your boss, Number Two, I understand
that cat's involved in big underground
drills.
ALOTTA
Virtucon's main interest is in cable
television, but they do have a
subterranean construction division,
yes. How did you know?
AUSTIN
(smug)
I didn't, baby, you just told me.
ALOTTA
It's for the mining industry, Mr.
Cunningham. We can talk about
business later. But first, let me
slip into something more comfortable.
AUSTIN
Behave!
MUSIC: "The Look of Love" by SERGIO MENDEZ AND BRAZIL 66
Alotta goes behind a Japanese screen. In silhouette she
takes off her clothes and puts on a robe. She opens a pair
of sliding doors to reveal an elaborate Japanese bath grotto.
INT. JAPANESE BATH
She slips off her robe, revealing a DR. EVIL LOGO TATTOO on
her shoulder, and enters the water.
ALOTTA
Come in.
AUSTIN
I'd rather talk about Number Two.
ALOTTA
Don't you like girls, Mr. Cunningham?
Come in, and I'll show you everything
you need to know.
Austin takes off his clothes. He is extremely hairy. He
goes in. Alotta produces a soapy sponge and swims over.
ALOTTA
May I wash you?
AUSTIN
Groovy.
She washes his back. Behind his back, she pulls out his
wallet and looks through it. ANGLE ON HIS IDENTIFICATION.
It reads "AUSTIN POWERS, INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY."
ANGLE ON HIS VARIOUS CARDS: CHARGEX, PLAYBOY CLUB, ETC.
SHE PUTS HIS WALLET BACK IN HIS
trousers.
ALOTTA
In Japan, men come first and women
come second.
AUSTIN
Or sometimes not at all.
ALOTTA
Care for some saki?
AUSTIN
Sak-i it to me!
Alotta pours them saki. Alotta unscrews the diamond in her
ring. A sign on the inside of her ring reads "Relaxation
Pills." She drops two PILLS into his drink.
Austin takes a sip. His eyes glaze over. He's instantly
woozy.
ALOTTA
How do you feel, Mr. Cunningham?
AUSTIN
Mmmm...I feel extreme relaxation.
A big BUBBLE comes to the surface, right in front of Austin.
AUSTIN
(reciting poem)
'Pardon me for being rude, It was
not me, it was my food.
It just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down
below.'
ALOTTA
That's very clever. Do you know any
other poems?
AUSTIN
(reciting in a lofty
tone)
'Milk, milk, lemonade.
Round the corner fudge is made.
Stick your finger in the hole, And out comes a tootsie roll!'
ALOTTA
(genuinely moved)
Thank you, that's beautiful. To
your health.
AUSTIN
To my health.
ALOTTA
Kiss me.
They go to kiss. She notices HIS TERRIBLE TEETH, CLOSE-UP.
ALOTTA
Do you mind if I ask you a personal
question?
AUSTIN
Is it about my teeth?
ALOTTA
Yes.
AUSTIN
Damn. What exactly do you do at
Virtucon?
ALOTTA
I'll tell you all in due time, after
we make love. But first, tell me
another poem.
AUSTIN
I think it was Wordsworth who penned
this little gem: 'Press the button,
pull the chain, out comes a chocolate
choo-choo train.'
ALOTTA
Oh, you're very clever. Let's make
love, you silly, hairy little man.
She glides over to him.
INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK
MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat GRAPHIC:
The Party Austin and the go-go girl dance crazily.
INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS - DAY
Dr. Evil, Number Two, and Frau Farbissina sit at the large
conference table.
DR. EVIL
Austin Powers is getting too close.
He must be neutralized. Any
suggestions?
FRAU FARBISSINA
Ya wohl&emdash; I mean, yes wohl,
Herr Doctor. I have created the
ultimate weapon to defeat Austin
Powers. Bring on the Fembots!
MUSIC: Sexy Matt Helm-type theme THREE FEMBOTS enter. They
are beautiful buxom multiracial girl/robots in Sixties clothes
and white go-go boots.
DR. EVIL
Breathtaking, Frau. These automated
strumpets are the perfect bait for
the degenerate Powers.
FRAU FARBISSINA
These are the latest word in android
replicant technology. Lethal,
efficient, brutal. And no man can
resist their charms. Send in the
soldiers!
SEVEN SOLDIERS come in. They are immediately attracted to
the FEMBOTS. They throw down their guns and come to the
girls zombie-like.
When they get within range, guns POP out of the Fembots'
bras and begin FIRING, killing the guards.
DR. EVIL
Quite impressive.
FRAU FARBISSINA
Thank you, Herr Doctor.
DR. EVIL
I like to see girls of that caliber.
By caliber, I mean both the barrel
size of their guns and the high
quality of their character...Forget
it.
SFX: 60'S ELECTRONIC BUZZER
NUMBER TWO
That would be the video feed from
Kreplachistan.
Dr. Evil and Number Two watch a large screen. We see stock
footage of a Russian warhead. We cut into a close-up of
RUSSIAN SOLDIERS being taken prisoner by VIRTUCON SOLDIERS
in the front of a
military vehicle.
DR. EVIL
Gentlemen, Phase One is complete.
The warhead is ours. Let Phase Two
begin! Patch us through to the United
Nations security secret meeting room.
INT. UN SECRET MEETING ROOM
REPRESENTATIVES of various countries in their traditional
garb around a large UN-style meeting table. The BRITISH are
dressed in bowler hats. The AMERICANS all look like JFK.
The CANADIANS are dressed as Mounties. The ARABS are dressed
in ceremonial robes, etc.
DR. EVIL
Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Evil.
They all look up at the SCREEN.
DR. EVIL
In a little while, you'll find out
that the Kreplachistani warhead has
gone missing. Well, it's in safe
hands. If you want it back, you'll
have to pay me...ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
The UN representatives are confused. Number Two COUGHS.
DR. EVIL
(frustrated)
Sorry. ONE-HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS!
The representatives ARGUE amongst themselves.
UNITED NATIONS SECRETATY
Gentlemen, silence!
(to Dr. Evil)
NOW, MR. EVIL&EMDASH;
DR. EVIL
(angry)
Doctor Evil! I didn't spend six
years in evil medical school to be
called 'mister'.
UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY
Excuse me. Dr. Evil, it is the policy
of the United Nations not to negotiate
with terrorists.
DR. EVIL
Fine, have it your way. Gentlemen,
you have five days to come up with
one
hundred billion dollars. If you fail to do so, we'll set
off the warhead and destroy the world.
UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY
You can't destroy the world with a
single warhead.
DR. EVIL
Really? So long.
The screen goes BLANK.
DR. EVIL
(to evil associates)
Gentlemen, in exactly five days from
now, we will be one-hundred billion
dollars richer.
(laughing)
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
(slightly louder)
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
EVIL ASSOCIATES
(laughing with him)
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
DR. EVIL & ASSOCIATES
(LOUDER AND MORE STACCATO)
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
(louder again, and even more evil and maniacal)
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
(PAUSE)
Ohhhh, ahhhhhh...
(pause, quieter)
Ohhh, hmmmm.
(pause, very quiet)
hmn.
There is an uncomfortable pause, because clearly we should
have FADED TO BLACK. The evil associates look around the
room, not knowing what to do with themselves.
DR. EVIL
Okay...Well...I think I'm going to
watch some TV.
EVIL ASSOCIATES
Okay. Sure.
They exit the frame awkwardly.
INT. BRITISH MAKESHIFT HQ
Austin and Vanessa enter past two BRITISH MILITARY POLICEMAN.
There is a communications center, a makeshift armory, bunks,
etc.
We see Basil, dressed as the Vegas-era Elvis.
AUSTIN
Hello, Exposition.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Austin, Vanessa, let me bring you up
to speed. Dr. Evil has high-jacked
a nuclear warhead from Kreplachistan
and is holding the world ransom for
one-hundred billion dollars. If the
world doesn't pay up in four days,
he's threatening to destroy the world.
AUSTIN
Thank you, Exposition. Only two
things, scare me, and one is nuclear
war.
BASIL EXPOSITION
What's the other?
AUSTIN
Excuse me?
BASIL EXPOSITION
What's the other thing you're scared
of?
AUSTIN
Carnies.
BASIL EXPOSITION
What?
AUSTIN
Circus folk.
(shudders)
Nomads, you know. They smell like
cabbage.
BASIL EXPOSITION
(suffering him)
Indeed...If we could get back to the
business at hand. It's one thing to
have a warhead, it's quite another
thing to have the missiles to launch
it.
AUSTIN
Maybe these photographs are the last
piece of that puzzle.
(hands him the photos)
I've uncovered the details on Project
Vulcan. It's a new subterranean
warhead delivery system.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Good God, and underground missile.
We've long feared such a development.
VANESSA
When did you find that out, Austin?
BASIL EXPOSITION
Austin did some reconnaissance work
at Alotta Fagina's penthouse last
night.
VANESSA
Oh.
BASIL EXPOSITON
Our next move is to infiltrate
Virtucon. Any ideas?
VANESSA
Yes, Virtucon runs a tour of their
facilities every hour. I suggest we
pose as tourists and do site-level
reconnaissance.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Top drawer, Kensington. Oh, Austin,
I want you to meet somebody.
Basil waves to an extremely frail ELDERLY BRITISH LADY.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Austin, this is my mother, Mrs.
Exposition. She's in from Tunbridge
Wells
in Kent. Can you believe, she's ninety-two years old?
Austin hauls off and PUNCHES the lady in the face.
BASIL EXPOSITION
My God, Austin, what have you done?
AUSTIN
That's not your mother, that's a
man!
Austin begins tugging on her hair.
MRS. EXPOSITION
Owww...my hair!
BASIL EXPOSITION
Get away from my mother!
VANESSA
Austin, have you gone mad?
The two guards come over and help Mrs. Exposition to a cot.
MRS. EXPOSITION
(through pain)
Who is that man? Why did he hit me?
BASIL EXPOSIION
Don't worry, mother. Lie down.
Austin, you have a lot of explaining
to do.
AUSTIN
I'm sorry, Basil, I thought she was
a man.
BASIL EXPOSITION
Damn it, man! You're talking about
my mother!
AUSTIN
You must admit, she is rather mannish.
No offense, but if that's a woman,
it looks like she's been beaten with
an ugly stick.
VANESSA
Really, Austin!
AUSTIN
Look at her hands, baby! Those are
carpenter's hands.
BASIL EXPOSITION
All right, Austin, I think you should
go.
AUSTIN
I think if everyone were honest,
they'd confess that the lady looks
exactly like a man in drag.
BASIL EXPOSITION
I'm leaving!
(pause)
Oh, and Austin?
AUSTIN
Yes, Basil?
BASIL EXPOSITION
Be careful.
AUSTIN
Thanks.
Basil escorts his mother out.
VANESSA
Austin, may I have a word with you?
AUSTIN
Of course, luv.
VANESSA
Listen, I know I'm just being
neurotic, but I can't shake this
suspicious
feeling about that Italian secretary, Ms. Fagina. I mean, I
don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad
relationships in the past, and I have some jealousy issues.
You went to her penthouse. It makes me feel so small to
give into these insecurities, but I can't help but feel this
weird, irrational, unfocused...well, jealousy. I'm sorry.
AUSTIN
Don't be sorry. You're right to be
suspicious. I shagged her. I shagged
her rotten.
VANESSA
(stunned)
I can't believe you made love to her
just like that. Did you use
protection?
AUSTIN
Of course, I had my nine-millimeter
automatic.
VANESSA
No, did you use a condom?
AUSTIN
Only sailors use condoms, man.
VANESSA
Not in the Nineties.
AUSTIN
Well they should, filthy beggars,
they go from port to port. Alotta
meant nothing to me.
VANESSA
(pause)
Well, it means something to me. If
you want us to have a relationship,
you've got to be a one-woman man.
AUSTIN
It was just a shag, Vanessa. You're
everything to me.
VANESSA
You just don't get it, do you, Austin?
Good night. Welcome to the Nineties,
you're going to be very lonely.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
MUSIC: "What the World Needs Now" by BURT BACHARACH Austin
looks at his address book. ANGLE ON THE PAGE: We see a
list of names crossed out, with
comments written in beside them. Beside Jimi Hendrix we see
"Deceased, Drugs"; Janis Joplin, "Deceased, Alcohol"; Mama
Cass, "Deceased, Ham Sandwich"; Jerry Garcia. "Deceased,
Gratefully"; Jane Fonda, "Square".
Austin looks at his old pair of Sixties-era canvas sneakers.
He picks up his new pair&emdash; REEBOK SHAQ CROSS-TRAINER
PUMPS. He pumps them too much and they explode.
Austin looks out his window at the lonely city below. We
see the CDs he's just purchased, including SERGEANT PEPPER'S
and BURT BACHARACH'S GREATEST HITS.
Austin goes over to the kitchenette and puts a can of unopened
Campbell's Tomato Soup in the microwave and turns it on. It
explodes in a shower of sparks and soup.
He puts the CD on a record player and drops the needle. The
NOISE is awful.
Austin plays MORTAL COMBAT III. His fighter gets his head
ripped off, and blood spews out.
Austin is genuinely frightened by this.
INT. BATHROOM
Austin attempts to use the Water Pik, but the head is too
loose and water shoots all around the bathroom.
EXT. CAR - STREETS OF LAS VEGAS - NIGHT
Austin drives alone and sad against the rear-projection of
Las Vegas.
INT. CASINO BAR - NIGHT
Austin drinks by himself while a gaggle of EIGHT CONTEMPORARY
YOUNG PEOPLE IN LOVE cavort. They look at him like he's a
freak.
Austin raises a bottle of ZIMA as if to say "hey, I'm down
with that". They shoot him sarcastic peace signs. Austin
is pleased.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
Austin sits watching the TIME-LIFE The Last Thirty Years
video on TV. Vanessa enters.
AUSTIN
Hello, luv.
VANESSA
Thirty years of political and social
upheaval. The fall of the Berlin
wall, a female Prime Minister of
England, the abolishment of Apartheid,
a fascinating tapestry of human strum
und drang.
AUSTIN
Yeah, I can't believe Liberace was
gay. Women loved him, man. I didn't
see that one coming.
VANESSA
Basil was very concerned to know
where you were last night.
AUSTIN
Out and about, doing odds and sods.
VANESSA
I'll tell him. By the way, I've
decided we should keep our
relationship strictly professional.
INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY
We're in the middle of a group therapy session, containing
six or seven FATHERS with their teenage SONS. It is
emotionally charged. A lot of pained expressions and coffee
in Styrofoam cups.
SON 1
(crying)
I love you, Dad.
DAD 1
I love you, Son.
They hug. Everyone APPLAUDS. We see Dr. Evil and Scott.
THERAPIST
That was great, Mr. Keon, Dave.
Thank you. OK, group, we have two
new member. Say hello to Scott and
his father, Mr....Ehville?
DR. EVIL
Evil, actually, Doctor Evil.
GROUP
Hello, Dr. Evil. Hello, Scott.
SCOTT EVIL
(into it)
Hello, everybody.
THERAPIST
So, Scott, why don't we start with
you. Why are you here?
SCOTT EVIL
Well, it's kind of weird.
THERAPIST
We don't judge here.
SCOTT EVIL
OK. Well, I just really met my Dad
for the first time three days ago.
He was partially frozen for thirty
years. I never knew him growing up.
He comes back and now he wants me to
take over the family business.
THERAPIST
And how do you feel about that?
SCOTT EVIL
I don't wanna take over the family
business.
DR. EVIL
But Scott, who's going to take over
the world when I die?
SCOTT EVIL
Not me.
THERAPIST
What do you want to do, Scott?
SCOTT EVIL
I don't know. I was thinking, maybe
I'd be a vet or something, cause I
like animals and stuff.
DR. EVIL
An evil vet?
SCOTT EVIL
No. Maybe, like, work in a petting
zoo or something.
DR. EVIL
An evil petting zoo?
SCOTT EVIL
(shouting)
You always do that!
(calm)
Anyways, this is really hard, because,
you know, my Dad is really evil.
THERAPIST
We don't label people here, Scott.
SCOTT EVIL
No, he's really evil.
THERAPIST
Scott.
DR. EVIL
No, the boy's right. I really am
evil.
THERAPIST
Don't be so hard on yourself. You're
here, that's what's important. A
journey of a thousand miles begins
with one step.
SCOTT EVIL
I just think, like, he hates me. I
really think he wants to kill me.
THERAPIST
OK, Scott, no one really wants to
"kill" anyone here. They say it,
but they don't mean it.
The group LAUGHS.
DR. EVIL
Actually, the boy's quite astute. I
am trying to kill him. My Evil
Associates have cautioned against
it, so here he is, unfortunately,
alive.
THERAPIST
We've heard from Scott, now let's
hear from you.
DR. EVIL
The details of my life are quite
inconsequential.
THERAPIST
That's not true, Doctor. Please,
tell us about your childhood.
GROUP
Yes, of course. Go ahead, etc.
DR. EVIL
Very well, where should I begin? My
father was a relentlessly self-
improving boulangerie owner from
Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy
and a penchant for buggery. My mother
was a fifteen-year-old French
prostitute named Chloe with webbed
feet. My father would womanize, he
would drink, he would make outrageous
claims, like he invented the question
mark. Sometimes he would accuse
chestnuts of being lazy. A sort of
general malaise that only the genius
possess and the insane lament. My
childhood was typical.
Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make
meat helmets. If I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap
bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the
age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the
age of fifteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically
shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shawn
scrotum. At the age of eighteen, I went off to evil medical
school. From there...
ANGLE ON THE THERAPIST AND THE GROUP. They are stunned.
PSYCHEDELC SCENE BREAK
MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE
GRAPHIC: Sock It To Me Austin and the go-go girl dance
crazily.
EXT. VIRTUCON HIGH RISE - NEXT MORNING
INT. HALLWAY - VIRTUCON
A TOUR is in progress. Austin, Vanessa, and other TOURISTS
ride on an electric tram.
AUSTIN
Since I've been unfrozen, I've had a
rancid taste in my mouth. Do you
have a piece of gum?
VANESSA
(in her own world)
Do you think she's prettier than I?
AUSTIN
Who?
VANESSA
You know who.
AUSTIN
No! Don't lay your hang-ups on me,
Vanessa. You're being very trippy.
VANESSA
I'm looking at you, and the whole
time I can't help thinking you had
your willie inside her hootchie-kooch.
AUSTTIN
Well put. Listen love, we can't
keep having this fight. I'm an
International Man of Mystery.
Sometimes in the course of my work
to save the world I have to shag
some crumpet. It's all part of the
job.
TOUR GUIDE
Welcome to Virtucon, the company of
the future.
(pointing to large
display window)
Virtucon is a leading manufacturer
of many items you'll find right in
your own home. We make steel,
volatile chemicals, petroleum-based
products, and we also own the Franklin
mint, which makes decorative hand-
painted theme plates for collectors.
(holds up plate)
Some plates, like the Gone With The
Wind series, have gone up in value
as much as two-hundred and forty
percent, but, as with any investment,
there is some risk involved.
The people on the tour APPLAUD.
TOUR GUIDE
Coming up on the left, we have the
Virtucon gift shop, offering a wide
range of Virtucon licensed products.
On the right, you'll notice a door
that leads to a restricted area.
Only authorized personnel are allowed
beyond that point.
INT. VIRTUCON GIFT SHOP AREA
All the tourists head for the gift shop. Austin notices a
SEVEN-FOOT-TALL SCIENTIST leaving the "RESTRICTED AREA" with
a FOUR-HUNDRED-POUND FEMALE SCIENTIST. They both wear
Virtucon coveralls.
AUSTIN
I'll take him, you take her.
The seven-foot-tall male scientist goes to the men's room;
the four-hundred-pound woman goes to the ladies room. Austin
and Vanessa follow.
We hear from inside either washroom the sound of PEOPLE BEING
KNOCKED OUT.
Austin and Vanessa exit wearing the scientists' coveralls
over their clothes. Magically, the coveralls fit perfectly.
They go through the doors into the restricted area.
INT. HALLWAY - RESTRICTED AREA
They approach the security GUARD.
VANESSA
Austin, we don't look anything like
our photo badges.
AUSTIN
Don't worry, baby. I picked up a
mind control technique during my
travels to India. I learned it from
my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a
chaste man who mysteriously died of
a disease that had all the hallmarks
of syphilis.
Just watch me. Watch me, now.
They reach the guard.
GUARD
Hi, folks. You're entering a
restricted zone. Can I see your
security badges?
AUSTIN
Sure.
They flash their security badges to the guard.
ANGLE ON AUSTIN. WE PUSH IN SLOWLY AS AUSTIN CONCENTRATES,
RAISING ONE EYEBROW AND THEN THE
other, back and forth.
MUSIC: Mystical Indian sitar.
AUSTIN
(hypnotist-like)
Everything seems to be in order.
GUARD
(looking at the badges)
Hey, wait a minute&emdash;
ANGLE ON AUSTIN. He redoubles his eye-brow-raising.
GUARD
(trance-like, in
Austin's English
accent)
Everything seems to be in order.
VANESSA
That's amazing. Let's go!
AUSTIN
Hold on one second.
Austin again does his mind control trick.
AUSTIN
Here, have a piece of gum.
GUARD
(in trace)
Here, have a piece of gum.
He hands Austin a piece of gum.
AUSTIN
Don't mind if I do.
GUARD
(slipping out of trance)
Hey! Wait a minute, that's my last
piece of gum.
Austin does his mind-control again.
AUSTIN
No, no, I want you to have it, even
if it's my last piece.
GUARD
(trance-like)
No, no, I want you to have it, even
if it's my last piece.
AUSTIN
(mind-controlling)
I'm going to go across the street
and get you some sherbert.
VANESSA
(irritated)
Austin, we have to go!
She pulls him away.
GUARD (O.S.)
(faintly)
I'm going to go across the street
and get you some sherbert.
Austin and Vanessa come to a door marked "PROJECT VULCAN -
TOP SECRET." They walk through.
INT. PROJECT VULCAN RESEARCH ROOM
Inside, SCIENTISTS wearing head-to-toe radiation suits
surround and inspect a huge diamond-encrusted drill bit.
SCIENTIST
This is the strongest, sharpest drill
bit ever produced by man. It weighs
fifteen metric tones and can bore
through a mile-thick bedrock of solid
granite in seven seconds.
INT. VIRTUCON GIFT SHOP AREA - TOUR TRAM
A SECURITY GUARD and the tour guide take a head count. They
notice Austin and Vanessa's empty seats on the tram. The
guard speaks into his walkie-talkie.
INT. PROJECT VULCAN RESEARCH ROOM
SFX: ALARM GOES OFF
ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Attention, there are intruders in
the complex.
All the radiation suited scientists turn to look at Austin
and Vanessa.
SCIENTIST
Get them!
The scientist approach. Austin knocks two of them out cold
with judo chops.
AUSTIN
Judo chop! Judo chop!
Vanessa knocks two of them out using roundhouse kicks.
SECURITY GUARDS flood into the room from the hallway. Austin
and Vanessa take off through another side door which reads
"VIRTUCON
STEAMROLLER TESTING FACILITY."
INT. STEAMROLLER TESTING FACILITY
It is a room the size of a large gymnasium overseen by a
large observation booth. Six STEAMROLLER go around a test
track very slowly.
Austin and Vanessa hide behind one of the slowly moving
steamrollers. Security guards enter the facility and begin
fanning out in a search.
AUSTIN
Our only way out of here is to drive
out!
They climb up the back of a steamroller, KNOCK OUT the DRIVER,
push him off, and assume the controls.
P.A. (O.S.)
There they are!
Two SECURITY GUYS jump on either side of the steamroller.
Vanessa wrestles the machine gun off on and pushes him away.
Austin punches the other one off.
AUSTIN
Hang on! I'm going to floor it!
He engages a lever. It goes only slightly faster.
TWO SECURITY GUARDS jump in front of the steamroller. They
are acting like they're frozen, ad if in the headlights of a
fast-approaching car.
GUARD
Noooooooooooooo!
AUSTIN
Where did you learn to shoot?
VANESSA
Where did you learn to drive?
ANGLE ON THE GUARDS. ONE OF THE GUYS JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY
AS IF "IN THE NICK OF TIME." THE
steamroller is now 8 yards away. The other army guy is still
frozen in the path of the oncoming steamroller.
GUARD
Noooooooooooooo!
VANESSA
Austin, watch out!
AUSTIN
(looking around)
Where? Where?
ANGLE ON THE GUARD. HE'S BATHED IN THE HEADLIGHTS OF THE
STEAMROLLER, WHICH IS STILL 3 YARDS
away.
GUARD
Noooooooooooooo!
ANGLE ON AUSTIN AND VANESSA. AUSTIN IS FRANTICALLY JERKING
THE STEERING WHEEL AND TRYING TO
downshift. SFX: Metal grinds. The shifter breaks off along
with a gaggle of wares. He desperately jams on the breaks.
ANGLE ON THE GUARD. HE IS FINALLY RUN OVER BY THE
STEAMROLLER. THERE IS AN INORDINATE AMOUNT OF
blood and guts.
By now, Austin and Vanessa are right by the door. They run
out into the hallway.
INT. HALLWAY
The coast is clear.
VANESSA
Thank God, Austin, we made it.
AUSTIN
Yes, act naturally and we'll split
this scene the way we came in,
Vanessa.
From behind, a HAND knocks Vanessa and Austin out. It is
Random Task flanked by four SECURITY
GUARDS.
INT. STEAMROLLER TESTING FACILITY
We see the aftermath. Several WORKMEN sweep up the blood
and guts with large squeegees and brooms. One of them turns
to reveal "Steamroller Accident Response Team" written on
his jumpsuit.
Another WORKMAN leans down to the body with a hand broom and
dust pail to sweep up blood. ZOOM IN on the steamrolled
Army guy's ID tag, which reads "STEVE HARWIN."
EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - LOS ANGELES
It is a pleasant, Marcus Welby-like ranch-style house. We
hear a PHONE RINGING.
INT. KITCHEN
A pleasant-looking MIDDLE AGED LADY answers the phone.
MIDDLE AGED LADY
Hello?
(pause)
Yes, this is Mrs. Harwin.
(pause)
Yes, I have a son named Steve Harwin.
(pause)
Yes, that's right, he's a henchman
in Dr. Evil's Private Army.
(pause)
What? Killed?
(pause)
How?
(pause)
Run over by a steamroller? Oh my
God. Thank you for calling.
She HANGS UP. A FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD enters.
FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD
Hi Mom! When's Steve coming home?
He said he was going to teach me to
play ball.
MRS. HARWIN
Sit down, Billy, I have some bad
news. As you know, your brother
Steven was a henchman in Dr. Evil's
Private Army.
BILLY
Was? What is it, Mom?
MRS. HARWIN
Your brother was run over by a
steamroller.
BILLY
A steamroller?
(bursting into tears)
No, not Steve! Since Dad died,
Steve's been like a father to me.
MRS. HARWIN
I'm sorry son. People never think
how things affect the family of the
henchman.
(hugging him)
I love you, Billy.
(to herself, out loud)
I wonder if we'll be able to receive
Steve's henchman's comp.
CAMERA PANS to a high-school photograph of Steve on the wall.
INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK
MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat
TITLE GRAPHIC: The Pad Austin and the go-go girl dance
crazily.
EXT. VEGAS - HIGHWAY
We see a Virtucon electric minivan humning along.
INT. BACK OF ELECTRIC MINIVAN
Austin and Vanessa are unconscious.
EXT. HIGHWAY
The electric minivan turns onto a dirt road that leads to a
boulder.
EXT. DESERT - BOULDER
The boulder lifts up and the minivan drives into it.
INT. UNDERGROUND TUNNEL
The minivan enters a long cylindrical tunnel.
INT. FREIGHT ELEVATOR
The minivan is being lowered on a high-speed elevator.
INT. DR. EVIL'S MAIN CHAMBER
VIRTUCON ARMY MEMBERS keep watch. SCIENTISTS check
clipboards.
DR. EVIL
Frau Farbissina, check on our guests.
The electric minivan pulls up right next to the immense table.
All the evil associates are present. Dr. Evil squeezes a
tennis ball repeatedly. Frau Farbissina opens the rear hatch
of the minivan and pulls out Austin and Vanessa.
DR. EVIL
Welcome to my underground lair, Mr.
Powers. Mrs. Kensington's daughter,
how lovely. I believe your name is
Vanessa? I'd shake your hands, except
for obvious reasons.
VANESSA
I don't understand.
DR. EVIL
My hand, dammit! Look at it!
AUSTIN
What's wrong with your hand?
DR. EVIL
Don't try to suck up to me! It's a
little late for that. I'm a freak!
Look at it, it's been rendered useless.
He moves his arm around to show them, but it's virtually
normal, just slightly aged.
AUSTIN
I'm sorry, baby, I'm just not grocking
your head space.
DR. EVIL
Oh forget it. As a fellow player on
the international stage, Mr. Powers,
I'm sure you'll enjoy watching the
curtain fall on the third and final
act.
A large telescreen comes on, showing the United Nations Secret
Meeting Room.
DR. EVIL
Gentlemen, I give you the Vulcan.
He presses a button on his chair panel. A giant canvas falls,
unveiling an ultra-high tech diamond-bladed subterranean
bore&emdash; the VULCAN.