英语剧本《王牌大间谍2》

MUSIC: timpani roll and dramatic sting



NARRATOR



In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the 

Sixties, was unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. 

Evil. Austin foiled Dr. Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to 

the center of the earth and banished him into space forever. Or 

so he thought.



2 EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE).



SUPER: The French Riviera



3 INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY



Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon 

Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs from the handle.



4 INT. HOTEL SUITE



FROM THE FIRST MOVIE: Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed. She 

plays with his chest hair.



VANESSA



I love you, Mr. Powers.



AUSTIN



And I love you, Mrs. Powers.



SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed. We see 

Vanessa putting on her robe from behind, and then EXISTING 

FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss.



VANESSA



Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night, we can look 

at the stars.



5 EXT. HOTEL BALCONY



EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars.



AUSTIN



Look how beautiful the night sky is.



VANESSA



Isn't that the big dipper?



AUSTIN



Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus.



VANESSA



Austin!



AUSTIN



(sheepish)



Well, you know.



VANESSA



Hey, I've never seen that big star before.



AUSTIN



Yeah, what is that?



Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look.



6 AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT



7 EXT. SPACE



EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket.



8 INT. DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE



DR. EVIL



This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers. I have one more trick up my 

sleeve, don't I Mr. Bigglesworth?



The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS.



9 EXT. SPACE



The Bob's Big Boy rocket. Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's



rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out.



10 SFX: PLOOP!



Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth



11 INT. HOTEL ROOM



Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door.



AUSTIN



Oh well, I guess it was nothing.



A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which 

obscure her face.



AUSTIN



Care for some champagne?



(pouring)



Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy!



Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned.



 



AUSTIN



Hello? Vanessa? What are you



doing, luv?



VANESSA



(back turned)



Just putting on my--



As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER 

FACE revealing wires, transistors, and a speaker where her mouth 

should be.



FEMBOT VANESSA



(computer voice)



MAKE-UP!



AUSTIN



(frightened)



Vanessa, you're a Fembot!



They fight. Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of 

Vanessa's breasts.



AUSTIN



Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those?



VANESSA



(robot voice)



PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY.



Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO.



Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK.



Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail. She 

rushes at him, he gives her a judo chop, also to no avail. Then 

Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCI- switch and hits it.



She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES.



Fembot parts fly around the room. Austin sits on the bed, 

saddened. He holds Vanessa's hand, which has wires hanging out of 

it. On one of the fingers is her wedding ring.



MUSIC: very sad piano



AUSTIN



(very sad)



I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman 

who taught me the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, 

the person who taught me the meaning of love, was a Fembot. How 

will I ever go on?



(beat)



Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave!



12 INT. LOBBY - HOTEL



Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby. Suddenly, 

Austin dances through naked. Just as we are about to see his bits 

and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase.



AUSTIN



Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free!



13 SEQUENCE CREDIT



MUSIC: Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES



PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk. Just as 

the camera reaches that most sensitive of areas, a credit appears 

STARRING MIKE MYERS. Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we



FREEZE FRAME.



14 EXT. BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA



European types stare and point. We see Austin from behind. His 

bottom half is blocked by a



bicycle. The bicycle moves away. Just as Austin's bum is about to 

be revealed-



A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it. Austin turns his head around to the 

camera and puts his hand to his



mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME.



A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a 

credit. Austin just laughs...crazy,



man!



Austin goes around a corner. A moment later he returns, followed 

by a NUDE MARCHING BAND.



A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude 

Beach". Austin enters from the left. 



We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up. Just as he is 

about to appear from behind the



sign, a...



CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise 

as he walks.



15 NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE



A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare 

chest. Austin lays on his back



beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears.



The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl. The 

credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks



her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what. Austin walks 

into frame; the "PRODUCTION



DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest.



Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress. CREDITS appear 

everywhere to block all possible



combinations of nudity. People leap in all directions to make 

saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at



crazy angles.



A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights. Her boobs are blocked 

by the "WIRITTEN BY" credit. 



Austin lifts a dumbbell. The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from 

his waist. Austin looks proud.



A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them. He lifts a much heavier 

weight. A much longer credit sticks



out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS". Austin pouts.



Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit 

"DIRECTED BY". He jumps on a trampoline



and does the splits in mid-air:



FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD. 

Austin smiles crazily, his penis



blocked by "JAY ROACH."



Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR.



AUSTIN



Shaguar, baby, yeah!



CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it 

would normally read "Jaguar". 



The car speeds off.



16 FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW



On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a 

Nazi father and his Nazi son, and



SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel.



Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE 

WORLD"



JERRY SPRINGER



If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and 

wants to take



over the world". Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to 

share with your



father before the break.



BOBBY



Dad, I know you're against racemixing and all that, but I met 

someone...



KLANSMAN



Don't say it!



The crowd WHOOPS.



BOBBY



I met someone ... and he's black.



The crowd goes crazy.



KLANSMAN



He?



The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands.



JERRY SPRINGER



Please welcome Tim.



A handsome Blaire Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the 

Klansman's son. The crowd screams.



JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL.



JERRY SPRINGER



Now Scott, tell us about your father. Share with us.



SCOTT



Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations 

for world



domination.



JERRY SPRINGER



And where is your father right now?



SCOTT



He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed 

inside a Big Boy



rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth.



JERRY SPRINGER



Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott. Let's bring out 

Scott's



father, Dr Evil.



Dr Evil enters.



Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD"



DR. EVIL



Hello Scott, I'm back.



SCOTT



I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television!



DR. EVIL



They offered me a free makeover.



JERRY SPRINGER



Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to 

their sons,



sons to the fathers. Is there anything you'd like to share?



DR. EVIL



Share?



JERRY SPRINGER



Yes, don't you have any secrets?



DR. EVIL



OK. I have a vestigial tail.



Everyone is a little grossed out.



DR. EVIL



It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little 

longer than it



should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and 

you're a poet,



twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted 

by Sebastian



Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was



lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one 

sip of milk



and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in 

fragrance delicto



by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having 

Hank hear me



say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments 

is that I never



became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple 

threat, kind of



like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would 

possess nuclear



weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I 

once sat on a



bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up 

with was a



sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and 

perhaps a



grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the 

most part I



distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On 

second



thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my 

right



testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the 

Christmas babies



told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The 

Fonze while I was



in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the 

end of the day



can honestly say they haven't done that?



The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet.



KLANSMAN



What are you, some kind of freak?



SCOTT



Shut up, jagoff!



Studio audience whoops at this.



KLANSMAN



I'll kick your ass punk!



Crowd goes crazy.



DR. EVIL



No one talks to my boy that way!



Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him. 

Security men, with headsets on, rush in



to separate them.



DR. EVIL



I'm OK, I'm OK.



There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking 

him down.



DR. EVIL



Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair.



17 EXT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY



We pan up a modern office building. The camera reaches the top of 

the building and we see a giant



STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters.



18 INT. STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM



The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: 

large logo, clear canisters full



of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere 

there is a Starbucks.



Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and 

lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott



and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN. A Starbucks employee serves 

everyone steaming hot coffee products.



NUMBER TWO



Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I 

seized upon the



opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company 

several years



ago. Today, Starbucks is a far-flung empire with 2000 outlets 

worldwide.



DR. EVIL



Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe.



NUMBER TWO



If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from 

world



domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, 

we can



increase our gross profits fivefold.



Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK 

MUSTACHE on his upper lip.



DR. EVIL



Right. Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit. 

Might I



remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect.



NUMBER TWO



(indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache)



Dr. Evil, I think you--



DR. EVIL



Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what 

happened last time.



19 FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE)



Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit.



20 INT. STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS



Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow.



NUMBER TWO



May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our 

little...misunderstanding.



DR. EVIL



Frau Farbissina. Wie gehts is



einen?



We see Frau. She looks a little more 'masculine' than before.



FRAU



Zehr gut, Herr Doctor.



DR. EVIL



How are things?



FRAU



I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name. To 

my right is



my lover.



We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow.



FRAU



Her name is Unibrau. I met her on the LPGA Tour.



DR. EVIL



Right on. Welcome, Unibrau.



Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk 

mustache even larger.



FRAU



Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.'



DR. EVIL



(wiping it off, embarrassed)



Oh, I know. I know.



NUMBER TWO



Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce



the Greek assassin, Oedipus.



We see a swarthy Greek army guy.



DR. EVIL



Welcome to my private army, Oedipus. Excited?



OEDIPUS



I could give a shit.



DR. EVIL



Kiss your mother with that mouth?



OEDIPUS



Yes.



DR. EVIL



Of course you do.



Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his 

control panel, but Number Two



interrupts.



NUMBER TWO



(clearing throat)



Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen 

far exceeds our



ability to replace them.



DR. EVIL



I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two. The key to life 

is to rotate



your vices. One day it's executions, another day it's creamy 

French cheese. 



It's like frickin' heroin.



NUMBER TWO



Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer. While you were frozen, 

we began a



program to clone you.



DR. EVIL



Cool.



NUMBER TWO



We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the 

results.



FRAU



(shouting)



Send in the clone!



MUSIC: dramatic sting



We see the shadow of an approaching figure. The shadow looks like 

Dr. Evil, only much larger and



scarier.



NUMBER TWO



He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your 

size.



We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, 

just like the creepy mini-Marlon



Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau. He mimics Dr. Evil's 

mannerisms including holding his tiny



pinky to his tiny mouth.



DR. EVIL



Breathtaking. I shall call him Mini-Me.



(to clone)



Mini-Me, you will sit to my right.



Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command 

chair.



DR. EVIL



Come Mr. Bigglesworth!



The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap. A 

bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps



into Mini-Me's lap.



DR. EVIL



Mini-me, something to eat?



(expectant pause)



No?



(pause)



OK.



(to room)



Tired.



Gentleman, I have a plan. As you know, the most powerful man in 

the world is



the President of the United States. But he is just that- a man, 

subject to



temptations of the flesh like any other man. Here's what we do: 

we make it



seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" 

with- and this



is the kicker-



DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL.



DR. EVIL



With a White House intern!



Dr. Evil gloats. So does Mini-Me.



NUMBER TWO



(clearing his throat)



Uh-hem.



DR. EVIL



What, that already happened?



Number Two nods.



DR. EVIL



This is ri-goddamn-diculous. Oh well, how about a frickin' time 

machine? Does



the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that?



NUMBER TWO



No, not that I'm aware of.



DR. EVIL



Alright, time machine it is. As you know, every diabolical scheme 

I've hatched



has been thwarted by Austin Powers. And why is that, ladies and 

gentlemen?



SCOTT



Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a 

dope?



Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" 

button on Dr. Evil's control panel. 



Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle. Mini-Me glares at Scott and 

GIVES HIM THE FINGER.



DR. EVIL



No, because Austin Powers has "mojo".



NUMBER TWO



Mojo?



FRAU



Yes, mojo. The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, 

the "right



stuff".



DR. EVIL



It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.'



SCOTT



If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill 

Austin Powers



when he's a baby or something?



DR. EVIL



No, no, no.



NUMBER TWO



(interrupting)



Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the 

future to play the



stock market? We could literally make trillions.



DR. EVIL



(smug laugh to himself)



Why make trillions when we could make...



(pause)



Billions?



NUMBER TWO



Excuse me?



DR. EVIL



Why think small is all I'm saying.



SCOTT



A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts.



DR. EVIL



Zip it. Unveil the time portal!



A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering 

energy.



DR. EVIL



Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal. As you know, 

Austin Powers



was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years 

after he was



frozen. Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally 

helpless. 



First, I take Austin Powers' mojo. Then I begin my domination of 

the world.



SCOTT



Can I come?



DR. EVIL



No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle. Austin Powers is the 

snake to my



mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake. Either way it's bad, I 

don't know



animals. But I do know this: This time it's personal. Frau, 

Number 2, I'll



see you both in 1969. Come, Mini-Me.



Dr. Evil walks to the portal. Mini-Me follows, imitating him 

perfectly. They enter the portal. 



There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star 

Trek.



21 INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - 1969



Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into 

a NEW LAIR. It is a large



hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and 

tasteful art pieces. A younger Frau



sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch.



DR. EVIL



Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969. Number Two, you look very youthful 

and healthy.



(turning to Frau)



And Frau you look...right.



As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the 

floor. Everyone takes a seat, but



Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him. He 

is frightened. One of the rising



chairs hits him in the crotch.



DR. EVIL



OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem. If another 

one of these



chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal. Mini-Me, I want 

you to meet



Number Two.



NUMBER TWO



Hello there.



Mini-me says nothing.



DR. EVIL



Mini-Me?



Mini-me still says nothing.



DR. EVIL



Shy. Low blood sugar.



(to room)



Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning. I have an operative inside the 

Ministry of



Defense. By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine.



Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window.



DR. EVIL



(maniacal laugh)



Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!



22 EXT. DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - 1969



We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a 

Mt. Rushmore-type depiction of Dr.



Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island.



DR. EVIL (VO)



(maniacal laugh)



Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!



23 INT. MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - 1969



We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage. Above it, we 

see two digital clocks. One reads:



CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: 

NOVEMBER 11, 1967. One of the SCOTS



GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike 

Myers).



BRITISH COLONEL



We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense. 

The contents



of this room are vital to the country. Be on special alert.



FAT SOLDIER



(thick Scottish accent)



Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen 

to this wee



naked hairy popsicle, sir!



BRITISH COLONEL



Very good. And try and lose some weight for God's sake!



They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits.



FAT SOLDIER



Yessir!



(sotto after the Colonel)



I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English 

Colonel



Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing-our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize-

our-Scottish-Independence!



The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes 

out of them, filling the room. 



The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious.



He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech 

syringe type device with an LED graph on



the side. He places it in Austin's navel. The LED meter goes from 

red to green, indicating FULL



MOJO.



24 EXT./INT. AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY



Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC. He is drinking a STARBUCKS 

COFFEE and listening to the Jag's



in-dash CD PLAYER. Suddenly Austin DROOPS. The car starts to 

sputter. The fuel gauge reads



empty.



AUSTIN



Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar 

up this



morning.



Austin hits a button on the dashboard.



BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash.



BASIL EXPOSITION



(on picture phone)



Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence.



AUSTIN



You always are, Basil. Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, 

I've run out



of petrol.



BASIL EXPOSITION



We'll send a man around immediately. How was your honeymoon?



AUSTIN



Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil. She was a Fembot!



BASIL EXPOSITION



Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your 

new case.



AUSTIN



New case? Very shagadelic, Basil!



BASIL EXPOSITION



You'll be doing a photo shoot. We know that one of the models is 

an ex-KGB



agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder.



AUSTIN



That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no 

shagging makes



Austin a dull boy, man!



25 INT. SKI LODGE



Austin sets up his photo equipment. The room is decorated in 

classic Heffner- bear skin rugs,



leather chairs, roaring fire.



AUSTIN



(looking around)



Tres chic, baby.



REG, the photo assistant, enters.



REG



Austin, the models are ready.



AUSTIN



Ta, Reg. Bless your cotton socks. Hey, Reg, do you have any 

hobbies?



REG



What?



AUSTIN



Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models!



The models make their entrance. They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say 

CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and



also one MODEL we don't know.



SUPERMODELS



(circling Austin)



It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers!



Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.'



AUSTIN



One at a time, girls. One. At. A. Time!



CINDY



Hi, I'm Cindy. I don't believe I've had the pleasure.



AUSTIN



Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, 

yeah!



REBECCA



How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca.



(indicating the photo gear)



Your equipment is quite impressive.



AUSTIN



Thank you. Your breasts are amazing.



Austin comes to the unknown model. She is tall and angular.



AUSTIN



And what's your name, baby?



MODEL



(thick Russian accent)



Ivana Humpalot.



AUSTIN



Excuse me?



IVANA



Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.



AUSTIN



And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the 

cards, now is



it?



Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy.



AUSTIN (VO)



(inner monologue)



Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca 

Romajin...or Ivana



Humpalot? Think, man, think!



Austin begins snapping pictures. The sequence is shot like a 

photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc.



AUSTIN



Alright, baby! Love it. Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing!



Cindy gets on all fours.



AUSTIN



Great, darling. Give me some shoulder. Yes, yes, yes.



(angry)



No! No!



FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue. Cindy with her head framed out.



AUSTIN



(to Rebecca)



Show me love. Smashing! You're an animal. You're a tiger. Be a 

tiger, baby!



You're great! You're Grrrrrr-eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, 

baby, be



frosted. Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur.



Rebecca looks confused.



REBECCA



A lemur?



AUSTIN



A small mammal native to the African savannah. C'mon baby, you 

know. Like



this!



(imitating lemur)



OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur. It's 

all you've got.



(beat)



I take it back. Be a tiger again. Smashing!



FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic.



AUSTIN



And...done! I'm spent!



Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it.



REG



Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana.



AUSTIN



I didn't forget, baby. Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 

'private



session'.



Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST. Austin and Ivana are 

left alone. Austin CLAPS TWICE and



the lights dim. He CLAPS again and the fire goes up.



MUSIC: I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH



IVANA



When did you get "The Clapper"?



AUSTIN



November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave.



IVANA



Are you cold, Mr. Powers?



AUSTIN



I once had a bad experience with frostbite. I had to dip my 

tadger into a



brandy snifter.



Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby.



IVANA



Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?



AUSTIN



I can guess, baby.



IVANA



We play chess.



AUSTIN



I guessed wrong.



IVANA



It takes a keen intelligence to play chess. Of course, you know 

what they say



about men with big brains, don't you?



AUSTIN



They wear large hats?



IVANA



No, they make better lovers.



AUSTIN



Wrong again.



Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The 

Thomas Crowne Affair).



IVANA



I assume you know how to play.



She runs the bishop across her lips sexily.



AUSTIN



Of course. The...horsey...moves in an L shape.



Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece.



AUSTIN



Let's stop playing games with each other...especially difficult 

ones. May I



ask you a question, Miss Humpalot?



IVANA



Of course.



AUSTIN



Do I make you horny? Do I?



Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug.



IVANA



I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me.



She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair.



IVANA



You are hairy, like an animal!



AUSTIN



(growling and barking)



Grrrr, baby.



Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug.



AUSTIN



Grrrr. Ruf! Ruf!



(covers the bear's eyes)



Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job!



IVANA



Make love to me, monkey man.



AUSTIN



Groovy, baby!



We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted



wildlife who seem to be watching. Suddenly the camera stops. So 

does the music.



IVANA (OC)



What's the matter?



CUT TO:



26 MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE



A tall flower wilts and beds over. A souffle falls. A flag is 

lowered to half mast. A giant



redwood falls in a forest. A hot air balloon deflates and falls. 

An actual scientific diagram of



a penis in the refractory period.



27 INT. LODGE



AUSTIN



(to camera)



Crikey, I've lost my mojo.



28 EXT. LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE)



An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING.



29 EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE



SUPER: "Ministry of Defense"



30 INT. MOD - HALLWAY



Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS.



BASIL EXPOSITION



Where is he? In here?



31 INT. MOD - LAB



Basil enters. Cross between a hospital room and a lab. Austin 

lies in bed hooked up to lots of



monitoring equipment.



BASIL EXPOSITION



Austin, I came as soon as I heard.



AUSTIN



There must be some kind of mistake, Basil. Maybe I was drunk and 

I didn't know



it.



Austin holds his neck very stiffly.



BASIL EXPOSITION



What's wrong with your neck, Austin?



AUSTIN



(turning stiffly to face Basil)



I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat. I've had a stiff 

neck for



hours. Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo?



BASIL EXPOSITION



We're going to run a few tests, Austin. Don't worry, old friend, 

we'll get to



the bottom of this.



32 INT. MRI MACHINE



Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: 

the MOJONATOR 9000. The mojo



meter reads VERY LOW.



33 INT. MOD LAB



MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE): Technicians in white suits and masks 

transform the room into a love lair: A



pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record 

on a turntable. Examination



lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS. A tray is brought in with a 

videotape marked "SWEDISH



EDUCATIONAL FILM."



Finally, the transformation is complete. Austin lies in bed 

reading a vintage PLAYBOY. A CANDY



STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit.



NURSE



Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we 

begin the



test.



AUSTIN



(not paying attention to her)



Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez 

crisis.



An ALARM goes off. Bright LIGHTS come on. Basil enters.



AUSTIN



What's going on?



BASIL EXPOSITION



Alright, everyone, we're done.



AUSTIN



But the test hasn't even started!



BASIL EXPOSITION



Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin. Not only were you actually 

reading an



article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to 

give you a sponge



bath didn't so much as turn your head.



AUSTIN



Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article 

was so



fascinating--



BASIL EXPOSITION



I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo.



Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY.



AUSTIN



(crushed)



Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty. 

I think it's



time to retire.



BASIL EXPOSITION



I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin. You see, Dr. Evil has 

returned.



AUSTIN



Again?



BASIL EXPOSITION



Again.



34 INT. MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM



Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the 

largest room you've ever seen in your



life.



BASIL EXPOSITION



We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine.



Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous 

villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and



Donald Trump.



BASIL EXPOSITION



Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have 

changed. That



means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances 

with each



decade's most despised villains.



Austin tries to read them and gets queasy.



AUSTIN



I can't read in the car. I get a bit vomy.



Austin burps and swallows it.



AUSTIN



Got it. I almost gipped.



BASIL EXPOSITION (VO)



Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969. Luckily, we 

also have a



time travel device. After years of research we've developed a 

machine that



will transport you back to the Sixties.



A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new 

VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up



psychedelic by Peter Max.



AUSTIN



But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle?



BASIL EXPOSITION



That's what they'd like you to believe.



AUSTIN



So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I 

could go look



at my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I 

have been



unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties?



(goes cross-eyed)



Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.



BASIL EXPOSITION



(to camera)



I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy 

yourself.



Austin gets into the car and turns it on.



AUSTIN



This is smashing Basil. I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my 

mojo, defeat



Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea.



BASIL EXPOSITION



Good luck, Austin.



AUSTIN



Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil.



Austin steps on the gas. The car lurches in reverse and smashes 

some equipment.



AUSTIN



Sorry.



(changing gears)



Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah!



The car takes off, heading for the wall. It DISAPPEARS, leaving 

flaming tread marks.



FLASH CUT TO:



35 EXT. STREET - LONDON - 1969



The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a 

stop. A London HIPPIE smoking a



hukka watches. He throws the hukka down. Austin hops out.



AUSTIN



I feel better already, man!



Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being 

TERRIBLE. He walks off as a crowd



gathers around the car.



36 EXT. PARK - LONDON



Austin enters the park in high spirits. We PULL BACK to see that 

Austin is being watched through



binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN.



PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching 

both of them. From this distance



we can't tell who she is.



A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE". HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all 

descriptions dance to the music



of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND. The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING 

TEA."



AUSTIN



Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig!



Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the 

scene. The lead singer of the



band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the 

band starts a new song: "SEXUAL



REVOLUTION."



Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins 

involving the outdoor crowd a la



Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair.



AUSTIN



(singing)



'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION,



YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR.



PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS



AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE.



Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically.



AUSTIN



(singing)



HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES...



YOU MAKES US BORED!



THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER



THAN THE SWORD



Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM 

ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT.



AUSTIN



(singing)



THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION



AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET



PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS



AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET



Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT.



AUSTIN



(singing)



HEY SQUARE WORLD



THE END IS NIGH.



WHEN WE SAY HUMP



YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?'



Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for 

the big finale. The assassin and



the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on 

Austin. All we see of the woman



are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION.



AUSTIN



(singing)



SO GO MAKE LOVE



OR MASTURBATE&emdash;



SEXUAL FREEDOM



WILL NEVER BE



OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE!



Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched. 

The dancers crouch-walk towards



the camera.



EVERYONE



(chanting)



FREE-- LOVE!



(louder)



FREE-- LOVE!



(louder)



FREE-- LOVE!



(shouting)



IT'S THE SIXTIES!



The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their 

arms outstretched, panting. Austin



breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of 

the Dance.



We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass. PULL BACK to see that it is the 

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching



Austin's ass. She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face.



37 EXT. CARNABY ST.



Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM. 

Sitting in a parked Citroen



watching him is the ASSASSIN.



The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street.



The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg.



The business man nods to a BOBBY.



The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE.



The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME.



The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup.



The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof.



The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF.



The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR.



The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD.



The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on 

a double-decker bus.



The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER.



The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by.



38 INT. CITROEN



The assassin gets the signal and starts the car. The whole 

nodding sequence was a circular waste



of time.



39 EXT. STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES



Austin walks along. Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him. 

He dives out of the way and



takes off running. He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE 

MAKING OUT against a wall by



hugging himself.



The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes. He raises his gun. 

Austin turns as he hears a car



HONK.



It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE. The mysterious woman steps out. 

We see her in her entirety for



the first time, and what a sight it is. She has long auburn hair 

and wears a tight racing suit,



unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion.



She is FELICITY SHAGWELL.



MUSIC: Felicity's Theme



FELICITY



Care for a ride?



AUSTIN



That's my Beetle, baby.



FELICITY



It was your Beetle. Get in.



Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES. The car speeds off.



40 INT. BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION)



Felicity drives expertly.



FELICITY



Austin Powers, I presume?



AUSTIN



Powers by name, Powers by reputation.



FELICITY



Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by 

reputation.



AUSTIN



(turning to camera)



Crazy, baby!



41 EXT. ROAD



The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it. 

The assassin FIRES.



42 INT. BEETLE



Felicity turns around to look.



FELICITY



Grab the wheel, would you?



Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun. She turns and 

FIRES out the window.



43 EXT. ROAD



The assassin's tire BLOWS. The car skids towards a Cliff and he 

jumps out as it goes over.



44 EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN



The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three 

times before it EXPLODES.



45 EXT. CLIFF



The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand. He falls.



ASSASSIN



Ahhhhhhhh!



46 EXT. CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN



Same shot as the car: The assassin's body goes over and tumbles 

down the cliff, bouncing three



times before it, too, EXPLODES.



FELICITY



Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match.



AUSTIN



Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again.



FELICITY



I was talking about me.



She smiles, turns, and walks away.



47 INT. AUSTIN'S PAD



The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing 

illumination. Suddenly, Austin and



Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight.



AUSTIN



Welcome to my shag pad, baby.



Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi-fi, and 

Warhol silk screens of Austin. 



Austin blows DUST off a table.



AUSTIN



Care for something to drink?



Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar.



AUSTIN



Or perhaps something to read?



Austin walks seductively over to the real- .-;etbar and hits a 

button. It revolves to reveal-a



bookcase.



AUSTIN



How about a hot cup of coffee?



FELICITY



Yes, I rather fancy a grind.



AUSTIN



Oh, Behave!



Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup.



MUSIC: Girl from Impenema by JOBIM



AUSTIN



Would you like a...mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage?



Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the 

floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed;



red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back 

to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end



table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils.



Felicity lies on her stomach. Austin begins to massage her.



AUSTIN



How does that feel, baby?



FELICITY



Mmm, lower.



AUSTIN



(lowering his voice)



HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY?



They laugh. Austin continues to massage her.



FELICITY



Wait, something's itching me.



She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, 

revealing her naked back.



FELICITY



That's better.



AUSTIN



Crikey!!!



Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her.



AUSTIN



Sorry.



Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the 

bed.



AUSTIN



(talking to his crotch)



Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England.



Austin takes a peak-- nothing. He is panicked.



FELICITY



Oh, that was so relaxing. Felicity stretches very sexily.



AUSTIN



Would you 'like to see my etchings?



FELICITY



(sexy)



I think I'm ready for bed.



She moves close to Austin. He slides to the other side of the 

bed.



AUSTIN



I'll get you some PJs.



FELICITY



No, I'm ready for bed.



She moves over to him. He avoids her.



AUSTIN



Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then.



Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush. Felicity finally grabs 

him and pins him to the bed.



FELICITY



No, I want to have sex with you, Austin.



AUSTIN



Hello Vicar!



FELICITY



I've studied everything about you- your methods, your 

accomplishments, your



preferences. You're the reason I became a spy. Now, I've waited 

two years



to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time.



Austin sits up.



AUSTIN



(reflective)



Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess...I guess 

I've changed. 



Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to 

keep talking in a



repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to 

remember what I



was talking about in the first place, but- where was I?



MUSIC: sad instrumental



AUSTIN



Oh yes. Felicity, I can't shag you. I've lost my mojo.



FELICITY



(obviously disappointed)



Oh.



AUSTIN



I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it 

hasn't.



FELICITY



Austin, don't worry. I know just the man to help you. He's my 

guru. Ringo



recommended him and he's the best.



AUSTIN



I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby!



48 EXT. AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET



Austin's plane in flight.



49 EXT. INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE



EXT./INT. BEETLE



Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection 

of India.



51 INT. ASHRAM



It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES. 

Austin and Felicity enter.



MUSIC: sitar



FELICITY



There he is. That's my guru.



We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright 

red sari.



FELICITY



Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers.



AUSTIN



How are you baby?



GURU PITKA



My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise.



AUSTIN



Good on ya. I don't know what that means but it sounds fab.



FELICITY



Guru, we need some advice.



GURU PITKA



Hold your horses and any other beasts-of burden. I must lead my 

disciples in



meditation and then I-will help you.



The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to 

their knees.



DISCIPLES



Ahhhhhh!



GURU PITKA



My name is the Guru Pitka. I am a spiritual teacher and I have 

combined many



disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human 

potentiality and



equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a 

chaste man who



died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the 

hallmarks of



syphilis. He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is 

breath.



DISCIPLES



Ahhhhhh!



GURU PITKA



Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky. 

Well, when we



were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop". We would 

urinate into a



bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag. I did not care for 

"Stinkmop" and a



very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't 

know, the



name kind of stuck.



DISCIPLES



Ahhhhhhhh...



GURU PITKA



Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is 

that 'therapist'



often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain 

potentiality. Now



what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals 

that we wish to



achieve for ourselves. People often say to me that they feel 

"nowhere", and I



am going to change that to "Now here."



The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!"



DISCIPLES



Ahhhhhhh...



GURU PITKA



And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you 

"assume" You make



an "ass" out of "u" and "me".



Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME."



DISCIPLES



Ahhhhhhh....



GURU PITKA



The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker. 

It is not the



taughts. It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are 

not our



mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap!



Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE 

GAP" with the familiar Gap font.



DISCIPLES



Ahhhhh...



GURU PITKA



(rapid fire)



The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter. 

There is no



"I" in "team". Beer before liquor, never sicker. Don't take a 

wooden nickel. 



If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand 

close or you'll



piss on your feet. He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up 

with smelly



finger.



DISCIPLES



Ahhhhh...



GURU PITKA



Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of 

ego. Leggo of



my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Hu...Om Ay Vant 

Yu Hu...Om Ay



Vant Yu Hu.



DISCIPLES



(chanting)



Om Ay Vant Yu Hu...Om Ay Vant Yu Hu...Om Ay Vant Yu Hu.



The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo.



GURU PITKA



Go with God, and pay at the door please.



The disciples file out. Austin and Felicity approach.



GURU PITKA



How can I help you?



AUSTIN



Guru, I'm having trouble performing.



GURU PITKA



What do you mean?



AUSTIN



You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy.



GURU PITKA



I'm not understanding.



AUSTIN



I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy-Daddy dance.



GURU PITKA



Still not clear.



AUSTIN



My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it.



GURU PITKA



Sorry?



AUSTIN.



My Willie don't work.



GURU PITKA



Why are you beating around the bush?



AUSTIN



That's my problem.



GURU PITKA



Ohhhhh, I get it.



(beat)



No, I don't get it.



FELICITY



He's impotent!



AUSTIN



Alright, easy.



(to Guru)



Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't 

bat for six.



GURU PITKA



Oh, yes, I see.



AUSTIN



You have no idea what I'm saying, do you?



GURU PITKA



Not a word.



AUSTIN



Guru, I've lost my mojo.



GURU PITKA



Oh, mojo! You should have said so. Well, you've lost your mojo 

because your



chakras are misaligned. You have lost love.



AUSTIN



Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa?



FELICITY



Who's Vanessa?



AUSTIN



She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil. I couldn't have loved 

her.



GURU PITKA



Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy. You will only get your 

mojo back



when you surround yourself with love.



AUSTIN



Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, 

baby! Tune in,



turn on, and drop out!



GURU PITKA



I am talking about true love. You must stay and study until you 

are worthy.



AUSTIN



No way, man. The only way to surround yourself with love is to 

throw a



swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah!



52 INT. DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR



Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT 

BASTARD. He is foul-mouthed, and



when he swears he is bleeped.



DR. EVIL



Well done, Fat Bastard. May I have the mojo?



FAT BASTARD



First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta (bleep)in, 

turtle head



pokin' out.



DR. EVIL



(disgusted)



Right. Charming. Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat 

Bastard do



you?



FAT BASTARD



I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight 

issues ain't



one of them.



DR. EVIL



Alright, Fatty-



FAT BASTARD



The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height 

and I was born



out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard. Hey, I'm not 

kiddin'. I've got



a crap on deck that could choke a donkey.



DR. EVIL



Fat Bastard, the mojo?



FAT BASTARD



Where's my (bleeping) money?



DR. EVIL



A gentlemen never discusses money.



FAT BASTARD



Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your 

(bleep), you



stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my 

greasy, two-toned



(bleep)!



DR. EVIL



(pause)



Vulgarity is no substitute for wit.



FAT BASTARD



(Bleeb) you!



DR. EVIL



Right. Bring in the money.



Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with 

gold bars.



FAT BASTARD



Alright, here it is.



Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO. 

Dr. Evil is mesmerized.



DR. EVIL



Mini-Me, fetch.



Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it 

to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and



places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL.



NUMBER TWO enters.



NUMBER TWO



Dr. Evil, I have some bad news. Austin Powers is back in the 

Sixties. One of



our best assassins spotted him but he got away.



DR. EVIL



This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo.



NUMBER TWO



There is another. Felicity Shagwell, CIA.



Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL.



DR. EVIL



Scott, what are you doing here?



SCOTT



I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The 

Courtship of



Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just 

listening to that



theme song--



(hums/sings the theme)



Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things 

out. You know,



you are my Dad and I need you.



DR. EVIL



You had your chance, Scott. I already have someone created in my 

image. He's



evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into 

most overhead



storage bins.



(looking around)



Has anyone seen Mini-Me?



(calling out)



Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a 

frickin' bell



on him or something?



Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks. Dr. Evil hits 

a button and a model moon and a



model earth descend.



DR. EVIL



Gentlemen, phase three. We place a giant laser on the moon. Let 

me



demonstrate.



(beat)



Where's my laser?



Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model 

laser. Dr. Evil takes it from his



mouth



DR. EVIL



Mini-Me, don't chew my laser.



(to room)



Not feeling well. He has an ear infection, but tit's OK.



(pause)



No? Nothing?



(back to model)



Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the 

planet at



will. We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death 

Star".



Scott SNICKERS.



DR. EVIL



What?



SCOTT



(snickering again)



Nothing Darth.



DR. EVIL



What did you call me?



SCOTT



Nothing.



(pretends to sneeze)



Rip-off!



DR. EVIL



(unsure)



Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by 

the noted



Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. I thought we'd name it in his 

honor-- the



Alan Parsons Project.



Scott SNICKERS again.



DR. EVIL



What now?



SCOTT



The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. 

Why don't you



just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass?



DR. EVIL



(indicating laser)



When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you 

want. 



Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the 

Alan Parsons



Project. Fire the laser!



53 INSERT SHOT:



A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White 

House, causing it to explode.



Everyone is shocked by the laser's power.



NUMBER TWO



My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning!



DR. EVIL



Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion 

Picture



Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that. What do you 

think, Scott?



SCOTT



Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive.



DR. EVIL



Shhhh!



SCOTT



I'm nineteen, I don't-



DR. EVIL



Shh! Shh-Shh. Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh. Shh-shh! It's Morse code.



(reading imaginary paper)



Let me decipher...it says 'shhhhh!'



SCOTT



You are so lame-



DR. EVIL



(like Electric Company)



Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh!



NUMBER TWO



Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers?



DR. EVIL



Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a 

vicious killer. 



Take care of it.



FAT BASTARD



It'll be my pleasure.



DR. EVIL



It's an easy job. Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless?



54 INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT



A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full 

swing. A girl dances in an



oversized birdcage.



AUSTIN



This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah!



The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In. Very fast cuts to the 

music.



Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking. 

He gently lifts her drink and



cigarette away from her.



PREGNANT WOMAN



Hey!



AUSTIN



You'll thank me later, baby.



Another angle. Austin and Felicity dancing.



AUSTIN



(noticing someone)



Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you?



We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair.



RICARDO



Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because 

he had too.



AUSTIN



(to camera)



Crazy, man!



FELICITY



Let's split up and scope the scene.



AUSTIN



Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me.



Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off.



AUSTIN



Oh, behave!



CUT TO:



Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick.



AUSTIN



(to chick)



You're very exotic, baby. Do you have a little English in you?



CHICK



No.



AUSTIN



Would you like to?



CUT TO:



An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy.



ALAN ZEUS GUY



(rolling his eyes)



This is ridiculous!



CUT TO:



A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs.



LONDON COP



Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?



FELICITY



No, but I bet it really hurts.



CUT TO:



A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides 

through the party and falls over.



CUT TO:



Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY 

DICTIONARY".



AUSTIN



The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a 

frosty prosty.



CUT TO:



An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka.



ESKIMO



(to camera)



I don't get it.



CUT TO:



The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very 

tight.



AUSTIN



Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants, baby?



FELICITY



Well you can start by buying me a drink.



Austin does a spit take.



CUT TO:



Felicity with a VIKING.



VIKING



You were great last night. By the way, I'm Thor.



FELICITY



You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit.



CUT TO:



Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's 

Heroes.



AUSTIN



(German accent)



Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed. Last night I had German-Chinese 

food. An



hour later I was hungry- for power.



CUT TO:



ZEUS GUY



Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills?



CUT TO:



AUSTIN



Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be 

married?



FELICITY



Yeah, I heard she broke it off.



CUT TO:



Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take.



CUT TO:



ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant.



ARTIE JOHNSON



Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid!



CUT TO:



Austin takes his glasses off to clean them. We see his POV, which 

is totally fuzzy. He looks over



and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and 

dark triangle.



Austin puts his glasses on and looks again. It is actually a girl 

in a flesh-colored dress. In



between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a 

triangular martini glass filled with a



Cosmopolitan.



CUT TO:



Cut to Austin and Felicity together again.



FELICITY



Look at that.



She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing.



AUSTIN



That's not a pretty sight. Who is he?



FELICITY



Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he 

might be a



double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil.



AUSTIN



How do you know?



FELICITY



We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically. He's 

made a lot of



cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and 

he's becomes



quite a fixture on the London party circuit.



AUSTIN



Who's the girl?



FELICITY



I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting.



Fat Bastard exits.



FELICITY



I'll follow him. You see what you can get out of the girl. We'll 

rendezvous



later.



Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door. Austin makes his way 

over to the girl.



AUSTIN



Hello, hello.



GIRL



Hello, Mr. Powers. Fab party.



AUSTIN



Who are you today, baby?



GIRL



Robin. Robin Swallows.



AUSTIN



Swallows? That's an interesting name. Are you English?



ROBIN SWALLOWS



German, actually. My maiden name is Spitz.



AUSTIN



Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a 

pleasure.



ROBIN SWALLOWS



The pleasure is mine.



She extends her hand. Austin takes it and shakes. As he shakes, 

her cleavage undulates like



jello. Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long.



AUSTIN



Charmed, I'm sure.



(still shaking, her breasts jiggle)



How do you do?



(still shaking, jiggling)



Yes, quite.



(shakes, jiggles)



I always enjoy meeting new people.



(shakes, jiggles)



How's your mum? Good.



(shakes, jiggles)



I love shaking hands.



Austin. is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger 

of popping out of her dress.



AUSTIN



(snapping out of it)



So, who was your friend?



ROBIN SWALLOWS



His name is Fat Bastard.



AUSTIN



It suits him.



ROBIN SWALLOWS



He's my lover.



Austin is grossed out.



AUSTIN



OK. Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named 

Mr. Evil?



ROBIN SWALLOWS



I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil.



AUSTIN



Really? I said Mister Evil. Austin does a smug take.



AUSTIN



Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper?



ROBIN SWALLOWS



Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper.



AUSTIN



Really? I said Mister Pepper.



Austin does another smug take. Robin grabs Austin and pulls him 

close.



ROBIN SWALLOWS



You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime.



AUSTIN



Oh, behave!



CUT TO:



55 ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO



ALAN ZEUS TYPE



Meanwhile...



BACK TO:



56 EXT. FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT



Literally a window in a wall. Fat Bastard is placing his



order.



FAT BASTARD



...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, 

two whole



chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, 

bangers and



mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and...a Fresca. No ice.



We pan to see Felicity beside him.



FELICITY



I love a man with a large appetite.



FAT BASTARD



And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to 

(bleep)ing.



Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile.



57 INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT



Austin and Robin are the only ones left. They are dancing a weird 

Sixties dance.



AUSTIN



Can I ask you a question?



ROBIN SWALLOWS



Yes.



AUSTIN



Thank you.



Beat.



ROBIN SWALLOWS



Well, what's the question?



AUSTIN



Oh, yes. Would you like to shag? Would you?



ROBIN SWALLOWS



I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right...over...here.



Robin moves Austin into place as they dance.



AUSTIN



You're a bit of alright.



Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF 

AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to



throw a knife.



Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES 

HER AS A SHIELD. She takes the



knife squarely in the back.



ROBIN SWALLOWS



(strained)



Oedipus...use the revolver.



Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING. Austin continues to 

use Robin AS A SHIELD. She



takes six hits. Oedipus runs out of bullets.



ROBIN SWALLOWS



(strained)



Oedipus...use the machine gun.



Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES. In a Robert Rodriquez-

like flurry of events, Austin



dodges while still USING HER AS A SHIELD.



Oedipus throws down his gun and charges Austin. Austin uses 

Robin's body to block Oedipus's head



butt, but his momentum pushes all three of them through a PLATE 

GLASS WINDOW of his second story



loft.



58 IN MID-AIR



As they fall, Austin turns Robin around so that she is between 

him and the ground.



59 EXT. OUTSIDE AUSTINIS FLAT



They land with a THUD. Robin cushions Austin's fall. Oedipus is 

dead on the pavement.



ROBIN SWALLOWS



Oedipus, Oedipus...



AUSTIN



Sorry baby, too late. He's as dead as vaudeville.



ROBIN SWALLOWS



You can't win, Powers. Dr. Evil has your mojo and it's only a 

matter of time



before he kills you and takes over the world.



(weak)



Tell Fat Bastard I'll miss him...



CUT TO:



60 INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT



Felicity is in bed, naked under the sheets, smoking a cigarette. 

We hear strange sounds offstage. 



We pan over to reveal she's IN BED WITH A NAKED FAT BASTARD!



He is eating a huge turkey leg, his face covered in food.



FAT BASTARD



I always get (bleep)in' hungry after I get my end away!



FELICITY



I never would have thought that a man of such tremendous girth 

could be such a,



um, creative and sensuous lover!



FAT BASTARD



You want some chicken? I have more!



He rolls over to reveal his HUGE NAKED ASS.



Felicity takes a homing device out of her purse, looks around for 

a place to plant it. She sees



his enormous butt cleavage and realizes that there's only one 

place for the thing to go.



ANGLE on FAT BASTARD'S face. He is delighted.



FAT BASTARD



Frisky are we? Alright lets have another go!



She is horrified.



61 INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - MAIN ROOM



Dr. Evil at his table with Frau, Scott, and Number Two.



DR. EVIL



Get me the President of the United States.



The PRESIDENT appears on Dr. Evil's video screen with his 

ADVISORS behind him.



62 INT. OVAL OFFICE (SPLIT SCREEN)



PRESIDENT



Dr. Evil, what do you want?



DR. EVIL



Now what I want Mr. President, but I will receive. In 12 hours I 

will destroy



Washington, DC with a giant laser.



Dr. Evil reveals a giant laser. Mini-Me is humping it like a dog.



DR. EVIL



OK, Mini-Me, why don't you and the laser get a frickin' room. 

Honestly.



(to President)



I will destroy another major city every hour- that is, unless you 

pay me-



SNAP ZOOM



DR. EVIL



One hundred billion dollars!



The President and his advisors LAUGH.



PRESIDENT



Dr. Evil that's more than the entire federal budget for 1969.



DR. EVIL



Don't play games with me. The capitol will disappear if I don't 

receive



SNAP ZOOM



DR. EVIL



One hundred billion dollars!



His advisors LAUGH.



PRESIDENT



That much money simply doesn't exist. I don't think l00 billion 

is even a



number. It's like saying I want a kajillion bajillion dollars.



His advisors LAUGH.



DR. EVIL



Come on, Mr. President...



SNAP ZOOM:



DR. EVIL



"Show me the money!"



Dr. Evil looks around smugly. No one laughs.



PRESIDENT



What?



SNAP ZOOM:



DR. EVIL



"Show me the money!"



He looks around again, expectantly.



PRESIDENT



I'm sorry, I don't understand.



DR. EVIL



You know, kwan? Show me the money? No? Nothing?



SCOTT



It's 1969. That movie won't come out for another 30 years, ass. 

They don't



know what you're talking about.



DR. EVIL



Right. OK, see if you understand this: give me the money or I'm 

going to blow



you to frickin' bits, OK?



The President and his advisors MURMUR.



PRESIDENT



But-



DR. EVIL



(making 'stop' gesture)



Talk to the hand!



Dr. Evil signs off.



DR. EVIL



(to Scott)



I did love that, though. Cuba Gooding Jr. was outstanding. Oscar 

speech,



very touching.



Scott looks at him with disgust.



DR.EVIL



Okay, everybody clear the room!



Everyone leaves and he walks over to a panel bearing his logo. He 

presses a button, the panel



opens up to reveal...A SECRET SHRINE TO AUSTIN POWERS!



In it we see a huge full-length photo of Austin Powers, and 

various magazine covers.



He presses a button and an Austin wig descends from the ceiling 

landing perfectly on his bald



head. A backless mockup of Austin's suit rises from the floor. He 

puts on a pair of glasses. He



has become Austin Powers.



Dr. Evil cautiously tastes the mojo.



DR. EVIL



Yeah, baby. Very shagedelic.



(beat)



This isn't working. I don't feel anything.



We PUSH IN towards Dr. Evil's head.



FLASH CUT TO:



63 DR. EVIL ANIMATED SEQUENCE



A Yellow Submarine-like depiction of Dr. Evil. Zoom in on his 

head which explodes into 30 other



small Dr. Evil heads which rain on a Peter Max-ian valley of 

flowers. The flowers sprout the word



"EVIL'.



A psychedelic flying Austin head with spirals in the glasses 

smashes the flowers, changing the



words from "EVIL" to "VILE" and to "LIVE" and then to "LOVE".



Turn-of-the-century fat cat capitalists on stilts with teeth 

coming out of their stomachs drop



penis rockets that have the word "GREED" written on the shaft, 

smashing the "LOVE" flowers into



"IRELO" which sprouts into "YELLOW" which turns into submarines, 

which becomes yellow penises of



huge, goose-stepping Dr. Evils, each of them peeing, creating a 

rain of urine that falls on the



Peter Max-ian valley of a hundred Austin Powers citizens. They 

each open an umbrella that says



"LOVE TRIUMPHS OVER LUST". The urine turns into a stream that 

flows into the mouth of a huge head



of Dr. Evil.



FLASH CUT BACK TO:



64 INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - AUSTIN SHRINE



Pull back from Dr. Evil's head. He looks dazed and confused. Just 

then, Number Two re-enters the



room, catching Dr. Evil with all his Austin paraphernalia.



NUMBER TWO



Dr. Evil, one last thing. I-- oh.



DR. EVIL



I was just...right. Would it kill you to frickin' knock?



65 EXT./INT. CARNABY STREET - DAY



Austin and Felicity walk along the street.



FELICITY



Austin, tell me about the Nineties.



AUSTIN



You know I can't tell you details about the future, baby, it 

could alter



history.



FELICITY



Not details, just what it's like. You know, what's the scene? 

Where's it at?



AUSTIN



There've been a lot of advances in the Nineties, baby. The 

economy is stable,



people take better care of their health concern for the 

environment is on the



rise and, um, let's see, there's an entire television channel 

dedicated to



golf.



FELICITY



Sounds awful.



AUSTIN



It's not so bad once you get used to it. The Nineties are about



responsibility. You know, having respect for yourself and other 

people. I



even got married.



FELICITY



You? Married? What about the sexual revolution?



AUSTIN



Well, it turns out there were some casualties, baby. Don't you 

think you'll



ever get married?



FELICITY



No, not until I get a little more 'experience' under my belt.



AUSTIN



Oh, behave!



Suddenly Austin notices something outside and puts his hand to 

his mouth in fear.



AUSTIN



(wide-eyed)



Oh my God!



Felicity is immediately on her guard. She pulls her gun.



FELICITY



(looking around)



What is it! Is it Fat Bastard?



AUSTIN



No, written here on my hand, see?



Austin turns his hand around to show her. He has written 'oh my 

God' on his hand with the pen.



AUSTIN



Says 'Oh my God!'



They laugh.



FELICITY



Austin, look.



Austin and Felicity duck into a CAMERA SHOP and come out an 

instant later with SUPER-8 CAMERAS. 



They run down the street filming each other.



AUSTIN AND FELICITY - SUPER-8 MONTAGE



This is a Richard Lester-like sequence shot on grainy film from 

Austin and Felicity's POVs. 



There's lots of SPEEDED UP stuff and POPPING IN AND OUT of frame 

like the MONKEES TV show.



BACK ON THE STREET



AUSTIN



Felicity, I haven't had this much fun since I worked undercover 

in Amsterdam-



'66 I think it was.



FELICITY



1965, actually. You posed as a Dutch cheese expert to stop Dr. 

Evil from



poisoning the world's water supply.



Austin is impressed.



FELICITY



I've studied your file, Austin. I want to be a trailblazer, just 

like you. 



The Seventies are right around the corner. It's going to be a 

glorious time



for fashion and music and technology-- it won't be long before 

every flying car



has its own 8-track.



Austin starts to say something, then bites his tongue.



FELICITY



The CIA has always been a boy's club until now. Well move over, 

this chick's



taking over.



AUSTIN



(hoarse)



Very impressive.



FELICITY



Austin, your voice!



AUSTIN



Yes, I think I'm coming down with something.



Austin and Felicity stop at an ICE CREAM MAN with his pushcart.



AUSTIN



I'll get some ice cream. Would you like some?



FELICITY



No thanks.



AUSTIN



(hoarse, to ice cream man)



Could I have two scoops of Vanilla, please?



ICE CREAM MAN



Right away, governor. Would you like chocolate syrup?



AUSTIN



(hoarse)



Yes, please.



ICE CREAM MAN



Will you have any whipped cream?



AUSTIN



(hoarse)



I will, thank you.



ICE CR@ MAN



Candy sprinkles?



AUSTIN



(hoarse)



Yes please.



ICE CREAM MAN



Crushed nuts?



AUSTIN



No, laryngitis.



ICE CREAM MAN



Here's your change, sir. Oh, and Austin--



We cut back to the ICE CREAM MAN to see him pulling off a very 

fake beard. It is BASIL (though it



was clearly another actor before).



AUSTIN



(now with phlegmy throat)



Basil!



BASIL EXPOSITION



Hello, Austin. What's wrong with your voice?



AUSTIN



(still phlegmy throat)



I just had ice cream. Listen to me, I have dairy throat.



MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB



AND IT WAS ALWAYS GRUNTIN'



SHE TIED IT TO A FIVE BAR GATE



AND KICKED IT'S LITTLE-



BASIL EXPOSITION



(Interrupting)



Austin! Things are heating up, so I thought it best to contact 

you in



disguise. Felicity, your plan worked. You and Austin track Fat 

Bastard back



to Dr. Evil.



AUSTIN



But how can we track Fat Bastard?



FELICITY



I planted a homing device on him last night.



BASIL EXPOSITION



Yes, and we're starting to pick up the signal now.



Basil hands Felicity a tracking device that BEEPS.



AUSTIN



How did you get close enough to plant a homing device?



FELICITY



I shagged him, I shagged him rotten.



Austin and Basil are confused and grossed out at the same time.



AUSTIN



You...him? Just like that?



FELICITY



Yes, Austin, we needed that information.



BASIL EXPOSITION



Well, thanks to your effort, Felicity, we now know that-



AUSTIN



(interrupting, to Felicity)



Did you use an elaborate set of pulleys? A block and tackle?



BASIL EXPOSITION



Anyway, you two follow the signal back to Dr. Evil's headquarters 

and then-



AUSTIN



(interrupting, to Felicity)



I just can't get my head around it, baby. You're so small and 

he's so ... not



small. The sheer mechanics of it are mindboggling!



BASIL EXPOSITION



Never mind, Austin, you two have work to do. You must find Dr. 

Evil.



66 INT. BEETLE



We hear the BEEP-BEEP of the tracking screen built into the dash.



AUSTIN



I got it! A Chinese basket with a counter-weighted ballast. 

That's how you did



it, right?



FELICITY



Austin, it almost sounds like you're jealous.



AUSTIN



Who, me? That's not possible, baby!



(beat, to himself)



is it?



Just then a-car pulls beside them. Two Dr. Evil Private Army guys 

pull machine guns and start



SHOOTING.



AUSTIN



Get down!



Felicity ducks. Austin reaches back and pulls ROBIN SWALLOWS from 

the back seat and USES HER AS A



SHIELD.



FELICITY



We're obviously on the right track.



(re: tracking screen)



It looks like Fat Bastard is-on an island in the middle of the 

ocean.



67 EXT. DR. EVIL'S ISLANDNIGHT



We hear the BEEP-BEEP of the tracking screen.



68 EXT. BEACH - DR. EVIL'S ISLAND - NIGHT



The Beetle comes from under the water and lands on the beach. We 

still hear the BEEP-BEEP.



69 EXT. TENT - WOODS - NIGHT



Austin and Felicity have set up a tent with a view of the Dr. 

Evil Mt. Rushmore face. Austin is



looking at the mountain through a pair of binoculars which hang 

around his neck.



AUSTIN



According to the readings, Dr. Evil's headquarters is over the 

next ridge.



FELICITY



Can I have a look?



AUSTIN



Sure.



Austin hands her the binoculars. Unfortunately the strap is still 

around his neck, pulling his



face into her cleavage.



FELICITY



Question is, how do we get in?



AUSTIN



(muffled)



Mmmmmmm...mmmmm...



FELICITY



Austin, did you hear me?



AUSTIN



I seem to be stuck in your dirty pillows.



FELICITY



Where are the topographical maps that Basil drew up?



AUSTIN



I think they're in the tent.



He and Felicity enter the tent. A LIGHT is on inside casting 

shadows of Austin and Felicity on the



side of the tent. From the outside it appears the shadow Austin 

is leaning over with his back



to-the shadow Felicity, who appears to have her hands up his 

butt.



AUSTIN (VO)



Have you got it out yet?



FELICITY (VO)



Good Lord, Austin, what sort of things do you put in there?



The shadow Felicity appears to be tugging a string of sausage 

links from his ass.



AUSTIN (VO)



Oh, anything that catches my fancy.



FELICITY (VO)



How do you manage to fit it all in?



AUSTIN (VO)



Oh, it stretches to fit.



The shadow Felicity appears to pull a tennis racket out of 

Austin's ass.



AUSTIN (VO)



Are you almost done? I can't hold it much longer.



INT. TENT



We see that Austin is leaned over holding part of the tent. 

Felicity is rummaging through a duffel



bag across the tent.



FELICITY



Here we go, one hammer. It's amazing how much this duffel bag 

will hold.



INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR



We see Dr. Evil playing a piano. We pan to see Mini-Me on top of 

the piano, himself playing a



miniature baby grand.



DR. EVIL



(singing)



'WHAT IF GOD WAS ONE OF US?



JUST A SLOB LIKE ONE OF US?'



We see that Number Two and Frau are the audience. They applaud.



NUMBER TWO



Dr. Evil, that was fantastic, but I do have some bad news. 

Powers' is on the



island.



DR. EVIL



How tedious.



NUMBER TWO



Don't worry, Dr. Evil, we can get to him by using the girl.



DR. EVIL



Really?



NUMBER TWO



I have the perfect weapon. Frau?



FRAU



(shouting)



Bring in the He-Bots!



MUSIC: It's Rainina Men by THE WEATHERGIRLS



Three HE-BOTS enter in unison. They are robotic studs in Logan's 

Run type outfits.



NUMBER TWO



Dr. Evil, may I present the He-Bots. What kind of woman could 

resist these



perfect specimens of masculinity? Their clothes are stylish, 

their posture is



ramrod straight, and their buttocks are tight, like tigers. And, 

each He-Bot



is armed with a secret weapon.



Angle on the first He-Bot. A nozzle flips up from his codpiece 

and white smoke pours out.



NUMBER TWO (OC)



Poison gas...



Angle on the second He-Bot. A gun barrel flips out form his 

crotch and FIRES machine-gun style.



NUMBER TWO (OC)



Machine gun...



Angle on the third He-Bot. A nozzle flips up from his crotch and 

yellow liquid drizzles out onto



the floor, where it smokes.



NUMBER TWO (OC)



And deadly acid.



Dr. Evil is disgusted by the last one.



DR. EVIL



Right. I object to the last one on aesthetic grounds, but I don't 

care how you



get Powers, just bring him to me.



(to Mini-Me)



Ready Mini-Me? A one and a two and...



(singing)



ME, AND MY SHA-



DOW



STROLLING DOWN THE A-VA-



(rapidly)



WASN'T A STREET, WASN'T M A ROAD



WASN'T A BOULEVARD



(dancing in step)



ME, AND MY SHA-



DOW ALL ALONE AND FEE-LING...



MINI-ME



(voice unnaturally low)



BLUE!



71 EXT. TENT



We see the shadows again. It now looks like Felicity is putting 

things into Austin's ass.



FELICITY (VO)



Do you want everything to go back in?



AUSTIN (VO)



Yes. Listen, Felicity, about Fat Bastard-



FELICITY (VO)



It's my job, Austin. You of all people should understand that. 

Marakesh,



1962. Rome, 1964. Tokyo, 1966. I know your record backwards and 

forwards. 



You've had more sex on the job than a Swedish stewardess.



The shadow Felicity tries to cram the tennis racket into what 

appears to be Austin's ass.



AUSTIN (VO)



You're right, Felicity, I can't deny it. But the world changed, 

and I changed



too.



Pull back to reveal that THE HE-BOTS are watching. Felicity 

shoves the tennis racket extra hard. 



Austin stands up rapidly.



AUSTIN (VO)



Ow!



(beat)



My back hurts.



FELICITY (VO)



Are you OK?



AUSTIN (VO)



I'm fine, just keeping packing.



The He-Bots shrug their shoulders and march towards the tent.



72 INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - 60'S



Dr. Evil, Fat Bastard, Scott, Number Two and Frau are seated.



FAT BASTARD



Christ Almighty, it smells terrible in here.



DR. EVIL



It's the volcanic sulphurous emissions. We've put up some air 

fresheners.



FAT BASTARD



Great, now it smells like someone took a shite in a pine tree.



NUMBER TWO



Dr. Evil, the laser has been loaded into the rocket. You're ready 

for launch.



DR. EVIL



I'm just waiting to taunt my nemesis. I have so few pleasures, 

you know.



Austin and Felicity are brought in at gunpoint by Private Army 

Men.



DR. EVIL



Ah, Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell, welcome to my hollowed-out volcano.



AUSTIN



We meet again, Dr. Evil.



DR. EVIL



Yes, the only reason I'm keeping you alive is so you can feel the 

agony of



watching my plan unfold.



AUSTIN



Dr. Evil your plan will never--



Austin trails off as he spots his MOJO in the beaker behind Dr. 

Evil.



DR. EVIL



Oh, is that yours?



AUSTIN



My mojo!



DR. EVIL



You know what they say: finders keepers, loser weepers.



FELICITY



Dr. Evil, do you like real estate?



DR. EVIL



Of course. Why?



Felicity kicks Dr. Evil in the balls.



FELICITY



Now you've got a couple of achers.



DR. EVIL



Oww! My stomach hurts!



AUSTIN



(wincing)



I don't care if he is evil, you don't give a man a shot in the 

pills. It's



just not cricket, baby.



DR. EVIL



Take them away.



The guards lead Austin and Felicity away.



SCOTT



She just hoofed you in the sack and you're going to leave them 

alone in a jail



cell with one inept guard? They'll escape, dipshit. You do this 

every time!



DR. EVIL



You're going the right way for a smacked bottom, young man.



SCOTT



You don't own me!



DR. EVIL



I do actually.



(pulling out paper)



It's complicated. Usually it's illegal but this buddy of 

mine...but I



digress. Fat Bastard, I'm leaving you in charge. I'm going up the 

moon to



hold the world ransom with my giant laser, I shouldn't be long.



FAT BASTARD



What about Powers?



DR. EVIL



He's tucked away safely in his cell. He's harmless without that 

mojo. Guard



it with your life.



(to Number Two)



Number Two, begin the countdown.



The area around Dr. Evil's command chair, including the time 

portal behind it, is enclosed by a



circular door, becoming part of the rocket. Steam begins 

billowing, etc.



NUMBER TWO



Five, four, three ...



73 EXT. VOLCANO ISLAND (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN)



NUMBER TWO (VO)



Two, one, liftoff!



The rocket lifts off from the volcano into the night sky.



74 EXT. NIGHT SKY (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN)



The rocket in flight.



75 FULL SCREEN - NORAD TRACKING SCREEN



The rocket enters the screen. It has the silhouette of a flying 

penis.



76 INT. TRACKING ROOM



OPERATOR



Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.



COLONEL



What is it, son?



OPERATOR



I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant--



CUT TO:



77 INT. COCKPIT - JET



PILOT



Dick!



CO-PILOT



Yes?



PILOT



Take a look out of starboard.



CO-PILOT



Oh my God, it looks like a huge--



78 EXT. WOODS



MAN



Pecker!



WOMAN



Where?



He raises his binoculars.



MAN



Over there. A rare red-billed woodpecker!



(looks over with binoculars)



What sort of bird is that? Oh goodness, it's not a bird, it's-



CUT TO:



79 EXT. ARMY BASE



SERGEANT



Privates! We have reports of an Unidentified Flying Object. It 

has a long,



smooth shaft, complete with-



80 EXT. BASEBALL DIAMOND



UMPIRE



Two balls! No strikes.



(looking up)



What is that? It looks just like an enormous--



CUT BACK TO:



81 INT. RADAR ROOM



COLONEL



Johnson!



RADAR OPERATOR



Yes, sir?



COLONEL



Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about 

this.



82 INT. JAIL CELL



Austin and Felicity are in a bare cell with cement walls. The 

huge metal door has a window with



bars in it.



FELICITY



How are we going to get out of here?



AUSTIN



Why don't you just shag Fat Bastard again?



FELICITY



(exploding)



Austin, that is it! I don't know what happened to you in the 

Nineties, but I'm



still here, in the Sixties, and I still swing! Don't try to lay 

your hang-ups



on me just because you lost your mojo! That one hurts.



AUSTIN



Ouch, baby, very ouch. I'm wounded.



FELICITY



I'm sorry, Austin, that was a cheap shot.



AUSTIN



No, baby, you're right. I was wrong to judge you. I guess I 

am...jealous.



FELICITY



But the Austin Powers I knew was wild and crazy and free. He 

could never be



jealous.



AUSTIN



That Austin is gone. I've changed. I knew someone, not long ago, 

a very



special woman. She taught me that life isn't about jumping into 

the sack with



whoever comes along, it's about caring and responsibility. And 

while it is



true she turned out to be an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil, I 

suppose I really



did...love her.



FELICITY



Was that your wife?



AUSTIN



Yes, Vanessa.



Felicity is touched.



FELICITY



Listen, Austin, I can't pretend to understand everything you've 

gone through,



but I trust you. I'll make you a deal: if we get out of here 

alive, I'll give



monogamy a try.



AUSTIN



With me?



FELICITY



Yes, silly.



AUSTIN



Groovy, baby!



They kiss.



FELICITY



We need to lure the guard inside and get his key.



AUSTIN



Alright, what if I pretend to be desperately ill with food 

poisoning? The



guard, drawn by my cries of pain, will come to investigate. 

Meanwhile, you dig



a pit and line it with makeshift punji sticks made from sharpened



toothbrushes. The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle, and we've got 

the key. 



What do you think?



FELICITY



That might work, but how about this?



Felicity charges towards the window in the door, ripping open her 

blouse as she goes, showing her



breasts to the guard. We, however, can't see them.



FELICITY



(giving a wolf whistle)



What do you think of these, my man?



83 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CELL



The guard is mesmerized by Felicity.



GUARD



Mommy...



He unlocks the door and enters.



84 INT. JAIL CELL



The guard enters an apparently empty cell. We see that Austin is 

wedged spread-eagle above the



door, ready to pounce.



FELICITY



(seductive, to guard)



It's very hot in here, don't you think?



The guard follows her into the cell.



FELICITY



(irritated)



It's very hot in here, don't you think?



The guard advances on her.



FELICITY



(breaking cover)



Austin!



AUSTIN



(from above)



I'm very firmly wedged.



FELICITY



If you want something done...



She PUNCHES the guard right in the face and he collapses.



AUSTIN



Almost...got it!



Austin falls flat on his face with a THUMP and pops back up.



AUSTIN



Let's go get my mojo!



85 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE



It is a stark, steel girder and glass structure. Dr. Evil is 

trying to look dignified but he is



FLOATING AWAY. He grabs at the railing of his chair as his feet 

float up.



DR. EVIL



Has anyone seen my gravity booties? Honestly, all I wanted was a 

frickin' moon



base. Hello, we're on the moon, no gravity?



(calling out)



Mini-Me? Are you alright?



ANGLE ON the top of the room. Mini-Me is stuck to the top of the 

ceiling along with a lot of



DEBRIS.



DR. EVIL



My frickin' mascot is stuck to the ceiling, OK? Not good. Papa 

not happy.



A couple of henchmen place BOOTS on Dr. Evil. He drops to the 

floor.



DR. EVIL



(looking up)



Somebody get the stick. Hold on, Mini-Me.



(into microphone)



Begin laser-



He's interrupted by terrible FEEDBACK. Dr. Evil taps and blows on 

the mic.



DR. EVIL



(into microphone).



Begin-



Worse FEEDBACK. He holds it farther away.



DR. EVIL



(into mic)



Begin laser ignition sequence.



The laser's coils begin to glow RED.



DR. EVIL



Lunar alignment in 6 hours.



86 FULL FRAME - LUNAR TRACKING MODEL



A NORAD-type screen showing the current position of the moon and 

where it needs to be before the



laser can fire.



87 INT. DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - MAIN ROOM



Austin and Felicity run into the Main Room. It is strangely dark 

and quiet.



FELICITY



Where's your mojo, Austin?



AUSTIN



I'm not sure.



MUSIC: It's Raining Men by THE WEATHERGIRLS



Suddenly, the lights dim. The three He-Bots descend from the 

ceiling on trapezes and acrobatic



rings, their muscles rippling.



AUSTIN



Watch out, baby, He-Bots!



The He-Bots flip off their trapezes and land in unison, like a 

perfect Olympic dismount. Their



crotch nozzles flip up one by one.



AUSTIN



I can't fight them without my mojo.



FELICITY



Who said anything about fighting?



MUSIC: seductive music



Felicity does a very seductive dance, with hip thrusts and bumps 

and grinds. The He-Bots EXPLODE,



succumbing to her mojo.



AUSTIN



Smashing, Felicity, you were making me very horny, man! Extremely 

randy,



indeed!



FAT BASTARD (OC)



C'mon, give the lads a show. Take of your top. Put 'em on the 

glass! Make 'em



bounce. Let's have a look at your tits.



Austin and Felicity turn to see Fat Bastard lurking in the 

background.



AUSTIN



Fat Bastard!



FAT BASTARD



Looking for this, Mr. Powers?



Fat Bastard, holds the beaker and is flanked by a dozen private 

army men.



AUSTIN



Give me back my mojo, Fat Bastard!



FAT BASTARD



I give the orders, (bleep) for brains. Guards, take them back to 

their cells.



Guards approach.



FELICITY



Hold on, let me ask you one question.



FAT BASTARD



Alright, I guess I owe you that much for a night of carnal 

ecstasy.



Austin is grossed out.



FELICITY



Are you happy?



FAT BASTARD



What kind of stupid ass question is that? I'm (bleep)in' rich and 

I'm up to my



tits in clean stinky.



FELICITY



You didn't answer my question, are you happy?



FAT BASTARD



It's about my girth isn't it? Sure I could lose a few pounds, but 

I could shiva



git!



FELICITY



Are you happy?



FAT BASTARD



Of course I'm not happy. Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got 

bigger



titties than you do! I've got more (bleep)in' chins than a 

Chinese phone book. 



I've got more crack cheese than a (bleep)in' dairy. I've nay seen 

ma willie in



two years. That's enough time to declare it legally deed! I can't 

stop



eating. I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat.



(starts to cry)



I'm caught in a cycle and there's no escape!



AUSTIN



Maybe inside that Fat Bastard there's a thin bastard, trying to 

get out



FAT BASTARD



Maybe there's big crap inside me trying to get out, jack-ass! 

Enough of your



(bleep)in' new age aphorisms. Listen, I've run the gamut of self-

help books. 



"Food isn't love", right, but how do you get it from the page to 

the (bleep)in'



fork? I'm so weak, I hate myself. I'm for shite. Here, take the 

mojo.



Fat Bastard hands over the mojo.



FAT BASTARD



I appreciate you trying to reach me, no one can do it for me, I 

know this now. 



There's a hole in my soul that food won't fill. This is the 

beginning of a new



me. I'm gonna go to the gym everyday. If you'll excuse me, 

there's someone I



have to get in touch with and forgive...myself.



(pause)



Sorry. I farted.



(pause)



It's a long road ahead.



88 EXT. BEACH - DR. EVIL'S ISLAND - DAY



Austin and Felicity run up to the Beetle.



AUSTIN



Hold on, I have something very important to do.



Austin drinks the mojo.



FELICITY



How do you feel?



AUSTIN



Sound as a pound, my spuds are boiling. Fancy a shag?



FELICITY



Austin, we don't have time.



AUSTIN



C'mon, luv, let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing!



FELICITY



Dr. Evil's taken his laser to the moon. The world is in danger.



AUSTIN



Right, the moon. I think I know someone who can give us a lift.



89 EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL - APOLLO ROCKET (STOCK FOOTAGE)



The Apollo ready for lift-off.



NEWSCASTER (VO)



There's been some sort of delay in the launch of Apollo 11, 

Walter, but we



understand that America's first manned mission to the moon will 

be blasting off



shortly.



90 INT. CAPSULE



Pan across Austin in a spacesuit, then Felicity in her spacesuit, 

then CAMEO ASTRONAUT in his space



suit. They are surrounded by hundreds of gauges, buttons and 

meters.



AUSTIN



Gor blimey, you'd have to be a rocket scientist to figure this 

stuff out.



ASTRONAUT



I am a rocket scientist.



A technician closes the hatch and the countdown begins.



MISSION COMMANDER (VO)



We will have lift-off in T minus 10 seconds...9...8...etc.



AUSTIN



Felicity, if you get frightened, just hold my hand.



91 EXT. CAPE CANAVERAL (STOCK FOOTAGE)



The rocket lifts off.



MISSION COMMANDER (VO)



We have lift-off! Apollo 11 has cleared the tower and is heading 

for a



rendezvous with the moon.



92 INT. APOLLO CAPSULE



The G-forces during lift-off are incredible. Austin's face is 

pulled into a contorted mask which



bares his teeth. His hair sticks straight up and his glasses are 

twisted.



Austin is terrified. He clutches Felicity's hand, then grabs on 

to the astronaut beside him. 



Felicity, however, loves it.



FELICITY



(yelling)



Yaaaaa-hoooo!



93 EXT. SPACE - APOLLO ROCKET (STOCK FOOTAGE)



The stages separate.



94 INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM



Basil sits at the console with NASA technicians.



BASIL EXPOSITION



Austin, you have achieved lunar orbit. How was that lift-off?



95 INT. CAPSULE - APOLLO ROCKET (INTERCUT)



AUSTIN



To be honest it was terrifying. It felt like sitting on top of a 

bomb. As I



punched through the atmosphere, I said 'Oh my God!' and I soiled 

myself.



BASIL EXPOSITION



Happens all the time in that situation.



AUSTIN



No, I mean I soiled myself just now when I said oh 'my God!'



FELICITY



Basil, it was amazing!



BASIL EXPOSITION



Prepare for moon landing. We only have one hour until Dr. Evil 

fires the



laser!



96 EXT. MOON LANDING (STOCK FOOTAGE)



The lunar module settles on the moon.



AUSTIN (VO)



Mission control, the swinger has landed.



97 EXT. LUNAR MODULE - SURFACE OF THE MOON



Austin and Felicity step out in their spacesuits.



AUSTIN



This is one small step for man, but a giant step for shagging. 

Can you imagine



it, baby, weightless? The permutations are mind-boggling.



FELICITY



Naughty boy!



Austin plants a UNION JACK on the moon.



AUSTIN



God Save the Queen.



98 INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM



The MISSION COMMANDER shakes his head.



MISSION COMMANDER



The Queen? This is an American show, goddammit. Let's roll that 

footage we



shot last week in the studio.



99 INT. 1960'S AMERICAN HOME (STOCK FOOTAGE)



A family gathers around the TV, watching Neil Armstrong's 'real' 

moon landing.



100 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE



Dr. Evil walks all the way around a TUBULAR HALLWAY-- up the 

walls, across the ceiling upside down,



and back again, settling into his chair. It is like that shot in 

2001 SPACE ODYSSEY.



DR. EVIL



Position the laser.



The laser shifts into place. An ALARM goes off and LIGHTS FLASH.



ANNOUNCER (VO)



WARNING, LASER CALIBRATION!



DR. EVIL



Get me the President.



The screen flickers on:



DR. EVIL



Mr. President, your time is up. This is your last chance to pay 

100 billion



dollars or see Washington DC destroyed.



ANNOUNCER (VO)



WARNING, LASER CALIBRATION!



The ALARM continues to blare.



101 INT. OVAL OFFICE (SPLIT SCREEN)



The President at his desk.



PRESIDENT



What? I can't hear you.



DR. EVIL



Pay me 100 billion dollars or see Washington DC destroyed!



The ALARM BLARES.



PRESIDENT



I'm sorry, I just can't hear you.



DR. EVIL



(louder)



How about now?



PRESIDENT



Better.



DR. EVIL



The Capital will be destroyed-



The ALARM BLARES.



PRESIDENT



Sorry! I just can't- I think it's that alarm.



DR. EVIL



Could someone shut off that frickin' alarm? I'm trying to hold 

the free world



hostage here. Honestly.



(shouting)



I WILL DESTROY WASHINGTON DC UNLESS YOU PAY ME-



The ALARM SHUTS OFF but Dr. Evil is still shouting.



DR. EVIL



(shouting)



100 BILLION DOLLARS!



His yelling startles even himself.



PRESIDENT



Please Dr. Evil, be reasonable. That's more money than is in the 

entire



Federal Treasury!



DR. EVIL



Oh well, I guess you have one minute to- "show me the money"!



PRESIDENT



I still don't know what that means. I can't show you the money 

because we



don't have the money.



DR. EVIL



Then I suppose you're up shit's crick without a paddle.



102 INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM



A white room with a bank of old-fashioned computers and a 

tracking screen. Basil, several



GENERALS, and other VIPs look anxiously over the shoulder of the 

MISSION CONTROL SPECIALISTS.



BASIL EXPOSITION



Gentlemen, Austin has landed on the moon. We'll soon know whether 

he has



succeeded or whether the world will be destroyed!



103 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - HALLWAY



Austin and Felicity enter through a hatch and step out of their 

spacesuits.



FELICITY



Let's find Dr. Evil.



Suddenly, Austin notices something.



AUSTIN



Shhh...



He points. We see a profile through a sheet of frosted glass. It 

is Dr. Evil's distinctive



profile, with a machine gun. Austin takes careful aim and FIRES. 

We see the SHADOW take the hit,



and fall.



FELICITY



Austin, you've done it! You got Dr. Evil!



AUSTIN



Of course I did, baby, I got my mojo working overtime.



FELICITY



Austin, I'm going ahead. Cover my rear!



AUSTIN



Oh, behave!



Felicity runs ahead. Austin runs over to where the shadow came 

from. He sees that it was not Dr.



Evil, but MINI-ME, carrying a little gun. Austin is ashamed.



AUSTIN



Poor little bugger. He's so small, he's like a dog or something.



Austin chokes back a tear.



AUSTIN



Poor little bugger.



(realizing)



Felicity, be careful! Dr. Evil is still alive! Felicity?



Austin runs after her.



104 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM



Austin rounds the corner and comes upon Dr. Evil.



AUSTIN



(holding his gun on Dr. Evil)



Alright, slap-head, turn around. Slowly.



DR. EVIL



Aren't you forgetting something?



A wall panel in the main chamber revolves, revealing FELICITY, 

enclosed in a glass tube.



AUSTIN



Felicity!



(to Dr. Evil)



What have you done to her?



DR. EVIL



Don't worry, she's not dead...yet.



Brightly colored GAS starts to fill the glass chamber.



FELICITY



(muffled through glass)



Don't worry about me Austin. You've got to save the world!



DR. EVIL



It looks like you have a choice, Powers: save the world, or save 

your



girlfriend.



Austin is torn. He looks back and forth between Felicity and the 

laser which is on the other side



of the room.



AUSTIN



I've got my mojo back, man, I can do both.



DR. EVIL



We'll see. Fire the laser!



The woman manning the laser's joystick begins to MOVE IT. Austin 

leaps across the room and reaches



her just in time.



AUSTIN



Hands off my joystick, baby.



He wrestles with her a moment and then KNOCKS IT ASKEW.



105 EXT. SPACE



The laser beam hits the Big Boy Rocket in the crotch and Big 

Boy's eyes cross in pain.



106 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM



DR. EVIL



Damn you, Powers!



Dr. Evil hits a SELF-DESTRUCT button. An ALARM blares.



ANNOUNCER (VO)



Warning! Self-destruct sequence initiated!



The base is rocked by EXPLOSIONS.



AUSTIN



See, Dr. Evil I told you I could do both.



DR. EVIL



Perhaps you spoke too soon.



Austin looks over. Felicity has slumped over in the tube.



AUSTIN



Noooooo!



Austin BANGS on the glass with his fists.



AUSTIN



Felicity! Felicity. Wake up! Wake up! Please God, don't take her 

away.



It is too late. Dr. Evil runs through the TIME PORTAL and gets 

away.



AUSTIN



Felicity, you have to understand, I thought I had my mojo back. 

This isn't



fair.



Austin looks up to the heavens. We see a quick--



107 FLASHBACK - MONTAGE



of moments they shared, Austin making her laugh, their first 

kiss, of Felicity being her beautiful



and free-spirited self.



A tear runs down his cheek. Austin presses his face against the 

glass as if trying to reach her.



AUSTIN



I love you, Felicity! I know I couldn't say it before, but I 

really do love



you!



(enraged)



Dr. Evil, I'll kill him!



Austin starts to chase him, but THREE PRIVATE ARMY MEN block his 

path. Austin is like an animal. 



He charges toward the first soldier, RIPS HIS HEART OUT, and 

takes a bite out of it.



Then Austin turns to the second soldier and RIPS HIS SPINE OUT 

like in Mortal Kombat. The soldier



slumps to the ground.



The last soldier is terrified. Austin swings both fists 

simultaneously, crushing the guy's head



which EXPLODES LIKE A PUMPKIN.



Austin runs over to the TIME PORTAL set for "75 BC". He runs 

through.



CUT TO:



108 INT. ROMAN VILLA - 75 BC



An orgy is taking place. Dr. Evil is in a toga with a laurel with 

two YOUNG ROMAN MEN feeding him



grapes.



DR. EVIL



You make love to your wife out of duty, your mistress for 

pleasure, and a Roman



boy for ecstasy.



(noticing Austin)



Shit.



He runs away as Austin appears through the TIME PORTAL. Austin 

follows Dr. Evil into another TIME



PORTAL marked "1975".



109 EXT. VENTURA BOULEVARD - 1975



Austin emerges from the TIME PORTAL to see Dr. Evil getting into 

a car. Austin waves his hands and



a 1974 RED FORD TORINO with a white stripe pulls over.



AUSTIN



I have to commandeer this vehicle.



(noticing)



Hey, aren't you Hutch?



VOICE (OC)



No.



We see PAUL MICHAEL GLASER (STARSKY).



PAUL MICHAEL GLASER



I'm Starsky.



DAVID SOUL



I'm Hutch.



Austin jumps in and the Torino speeds off. Dr. Evil's car 

disappears into a car wash which is a



TIME PORTAL. The Torino follows.



A sign at the car wash reads: "1911"



CUT TO:



110 EXT. DECK OF THE TITANIC - 1911



Passengers in period garb walk past a lifesaver with "Titanic" 

stenciled above it. Dr. Evil enters



through a portal with Austin hot on his heels.



CAPTAIN (OS)



Iceberg, dead ahead!



Suddenly the ship tilts at a radical angle. LEONARDO DICAPRIO, 

KATE WINSLET, and JAMES CAMERON



slide by.



JAMES CAMERON



I'm king of the world!



Dr. Evil and Austin slide backwards into the TIME PORTAL they 

just came from.



CUT TO:



111 EXT. LONDON STREET - DAY - 1999



Dr. Evil runs into the street with Austin chasing him. In



SLO-MO Austin dives for a ridiculously long time, and TACKLES Dr. 

Evil, pinning him.



AUSTIN



I'm going to kill you, you bastard!



DR. EVIL



(breathing heavily)



Before you do that, know this: Austin, I am...your...father.



MUSIC: dramatic sting



AUSTIN



Really?



DR. EVIL



No. I can't back that up. I was just grasping at straws. I had 

nothing. But



isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers, you really have become a 

product of the



Nineties.



AUSTIN



How so?



DR. EVIL



You're more interested in your job as glorified policeman than 

you are in



love. You won the battle, but I won the war. Love means nothing, 

you've



proved it.



AUSTIN



I didn't think that Felicity was going to die, man.



DR. EVIL



What a cowardly response. I'm disappointed really. You have the 

power to go



back in time and save her, but it means letting me go.



Austin looks over and sees a TIME PORTAL. Through it he can 

glimpse the lair, and Felicity.



DR. EVIL



Well, Mr. Powers, which is it going to be? Me or the girl?



AUSTIN



Felicity!



Austin runs through.



CUT TO:



112 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - 60'S



We see the scene from a moment ago. Felicity is in the glass tube 

and the BRIGHTLY COLORED GAS is



starting to fill it.



DR. EVIL



It looks like you have a choice: save the world, or save your 

girlfriend.



AUSTIN



I choose love, baby.



Austin runs over to the glass tube and SMASHES HIS FIST through 

it. The glass SHATTERS and Austin



pulls Felicity out. She gasps for air.



AUSTIN



Felicity, I love you.



FELICITY



(breathless)



But I thought-



AUSTIN



That was another place and another time, baby.



Austin kisses her for a long time. She starts to twitch.



She struggles. She hits him in the head and he finally stops 

kissing her.



FELICITY



(gasping)



Can't. Breathe.



AUSTIN



Sorry, baby, I got a little over- stimulated.



DR. EVIL



Fire the laser!



AUSTIN



What do we do?



FELICITY



Use your mojo!



AUSTIN



I don't have it!



FELICITY



Trust me, you do!



Austin turns and gives a 'who me?' look over his bottom. The 

woman arming the laser stumbles



backwards into the directional control just as it FIRES.



113 EXT. SPACE



The Big Boy Rocket spins to avoid the laser as it passes 

harmlessly by.



114 INT. NASA CONTROL ROOM



Jubilation.



BASIL EXPOSITION



He did it, he saved the world!



(calming down)



Of course, I thought he might.



115 INT. DR, EVILIS MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM



FELICITY



Austin, you did it!



They embrace.



AUSTIN



Uh-oh.



(beat)



I think I just got my mojo back. Really.



FELICITY



Austin, you had it all along. No one can take your, mojo away 

from you!



DR. EVIL



Good-bye, Mr. Powers, for the last time.



Dr. Evil hits the SELF-DESTRUCT button and climbs aboard the 

rocket, which blasts off.



116 EXT. SPACE (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN EFFECT)



Dr. Evil's escape rocket in flight.



117 FULL SCREEN - RADAR



Dr. Evil's rocket enters the screen. It has the silhouette of a 

flying penis.



118 INT. RADAR ROOM



RADAR OPERATOR



Sir, you better have a look at this radar.



COLONEL



What is it?



RADAR OPERATOR



I don't know, sir. It's hard to describe. It's...it's-



CUT TO:



119 INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE



DOCTOR



Just a little prick!



The kid CRIES.



DOCTOR



All done!



(out the window)



Good lord, what is that? If I didn't know better I'd say it's a-



CUT TO:



120 INT. CHINESE COMMUNIST CLASSROOM



CHINESE TEACHER



Wang!



One of the STUDENTS, dressed in a green Mao suit and clutching a 

red book is caught looking out the



window.



CHINESE TEACHER



Pay attention!



CHINESE STUDENT



I'm sorry, Comrade Teacher.



(pointing out window)



I was distracted by that enormous flying-



121 EXT. BEACH



RACHEL HUNTER



Rod?



ROD STEWART



Yes, Rachel?



RACHEL HUNTER



(pointing to sky)



What's that?



ROD STEWART



(looking up)



It looks like a giant-



CUT TO:



122 INT. CLASSROOM



OLD LADY TEACHER



Penis!



(pointing to her chart)



The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhackers, 

wankers, schlongs,



or--



CUT TO:



123 INT. NASA CONTROL



BASIL EXPOSITION



Peters!



CAPTAIN PETERS



Yes, sir?



BASIL EXPOSITION



Any word from Austin?



CAPTAIN PETERS



We've picked up his signal, but the lunar base seems to self-

destructing.



BASIL EXPOSITION



(on microphone)



Austin, if you can hear me, use the time portal! There's no time 

to get to the lunar module! Use the time portal!



124 INT. DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE



Austin stumbles. Felicity looks at him.



FELICITY



Austin, you have to get to the time portal!



AUSTIN



Come with me, Felicity! It's the only way out!



FELICITY



Austin, will I fit in the Nineties?



AUSTIN



If I did, anyone can. Let's go, baby!



The TIME PORTAL is fifty feet away. Austin and Felicity run 

towards it. In the foreground, are a stack of conveniently placed 

barrels. As they run behind the barrels, an obvious AUSTIN STUNT 

DOUBLE and an obvious FELICITY STUNT DOUBLE emerge in their 

place.



The stunt doubles grab a winch hanging above them and cross over 

to the TIME PORTAL in a dramatic series of acrobatic flips and 

stunts.



The stunt doubles run behind another conveniently placed pile of 

barrels. Austin and Felicity emerge in their place and run 

through the TIME PORTAL. The TIME PORTAL reads "1999".



FADE TO BLACK:



125 INT. AUSTIN'S PAD - 1999 - DAY



It is the most up-to-date modern apartment you've ever seen in 

your life. There is a large screen TV, a DVD player etc.



Movers move in tasteful modern furniture and various other 

accoutrements of moving. Felicity puts a CD on an old style 

turntable.



SFX: SCREEEECH!!



FELICITY



Sorry!



AUSTIN



Don't worry baby it takes some getting used to. Let me ask you 

Felicity, do you feel any side effects from the time travel?



Felicity smiles broadly, revealing that she now has TERRIBLE 

TEETH like Austin's.



FELICITY



I'm as healthy as a horse.



AUSTIN



I love you, Felicity.



FELICITY



And I love you.



AUSTIN



Do you want to get married?



FELICITY



Absolutely not.



AUSTIN



Thank God.



They kiss.



FADE TO BLACK.



THE END