英语剧本《猜情寻》

INT. COMIC BOOK STORE - DAY

A pile of COMIC BOOKS are on a shelf next to myriad

others. The most prominent one is called .BLUNTMAN AND

CHRONIC'.  A hand reaches in and pulls one out of frame.

HOLDEN opens the comic and flips through it He shakes his

head.  BANKY looks over his shoulder.



			BANKY

	Felt Like this fucking day would never

	come.  Issue two - on the shelf.



			HOLDEN

	Yippee.



			BANKY

	Don't start, alright!  This is a cool

	moment, and I'd appreciate you not

	trying to ruin it.  How often does

	a guy get the opportunity to purchase

	something with his name on it!

		(points to name on cover)

	Banky Edwards- right!

		(points to the other)

	Holden McNeil.

			HOLDEN

	I know my name.

			BANKY

	C'mon, sour puss.  We got the rest of

	our lives to be artists.  But it's

	supply and demand.  And right now,

	the unwashed masses demand this.

			HOLDEN

		(off comic)

	This is easy, alright!  And right now

	it pays the bills.  Just don't forget

	that we're better than this.

			BANKY

	I'll tell you who we're better than:

	these two fags right here.

They approach the counter, where STEVE-DAVE, the store

manager, and WALT the Fan-boy, play a card game.

			BANKY

		(lays books on the counter)

	Alright Old-Maid's - take a break from

	the Crazy-8's marathon and ring us up.

			STEVE-DAVE

		(not looking up)

	Well, well,well, Walt Did you see who

	it is!  The local celebrities.  Quick -

	get them to autograph one of their

	books so we can sell it for triple

	it's value.

			WALT

	I'm not that in need of fifteen cents

	right now.

They snicker and high-five one another.  Holden rolls his

eyes.

			BANKY

	You guys operate the smallest, ladies'

	bridge circle I've ever seen.

			WALT

	For your information, we're playing

	.Crimson Mystical Mages' - an

	overpower card game. Not that either

	of you would give a shit about

	something as advanced	as this -

	there are no dick or poopie jokes

	involved.

			BANKY

		(to Holden)

	I don't think they're fans.

			WALT

	No, we're not.  You're both a couple

	of fucking no talents that got lucky.

			STEVE-DAVE

	And obviously your handlers or hangers-

	on convinced you that your first comic

	was good which it was not it was

	thoroughly mediocre with a few spiky

	bits of dialogue.  And when you get

	your foot in the door of the business,

	what do you do!  You turn out a piece

	of shit like .Bluntman and Chronic'.

			WALT

	Tell him, Steve-Dave.

			STEVE-DAVE

		(off comic)

	.Bluntman and Chronic'.  Pah.

	What was that thing the little stoner

	pulled on the villain in the last

	issue!

			WALT

	The Stinky-palm.

			STEVE-DAVE

	Stinky-palm.  You give comics a bad

	name I tell all my customers not to

	buy it, to spend their money on a real

	comic book.

			WALT

	Fucking one hit wonder, dime-store

	Frank Miller's.

			STEVE-DAVE

	This is the reality at Comic-Toast -

	you're not going to get your ass

	kissed here, because both me and Walt

	think you suck.

			WALT

	And me.

			STEVE-DAVE

	I said that.

Steve-Dave offers the boys his two middle fingers, then

goes back to playing his game with Walt.  Holden and

Banky stare, shocked.  Banky nudges Holden and they both

exit Steve-Dave and the Fan-boy slap hands and go back to

playing.

			WALT

	I've got a dragon card - forty power-

	ups and twelve life points!  Ha!  I

	get your elf card!

			STEVE-DAVE

	You're such a bitch!  But thankfully,

	I've saved a dark forces Shaman card

	for just such an occasion.

			WALT

	You suck!  Eighty six life-power

	points to my twenty two!

			STEVE-DAVE

	I schooled their asses, now I'm

	schooling your's.

Suddenly.  A trash can crashes through the front window.

Steve-Dave and Walt hit the deck like bitches, covering

one another.  They look up slowly. Steve-Dave leaps to

his feet and looks at the shattered mess.  He pulls

something off the garbage can and reads it.

			WALT

	You know it was those two fucks!

	Let's call the cops and have them

	busted!  I know where their studio is!

	Or better yet, let's sue!  You can sue

	them, Steve-Dave!

			STEVE-DAVE

		(still reading note)

	That won't be necessary.

			WALT

	What?!  Why the hell not!

			STEVE-DAVE

		(holds up check)

	Because this is a check for three

	times what that window cost.

		(reading note)

	.Dear critics - thanks for the

	insight. But like my grandmother

	always said - .Fuck 'em if they can't

	take a joke.. and break their window.'

	Kiss it,		Banky the Hack.

	P.S. - Your card game blows..

			WALT

	He said .Kiss it.!

CREDITS

INT. COMIC BOOK: CONVENTION SIGNING BOOTH - DAY

A physically large FAN - sweaty brow, tote bag bursting

with comics - leans forward, smiling.

			FAN

	Could you sign it .To a really big

	fan.!

Holden sits at a table.  Across from the barely-managing-

to-stand Fan.  He offers him a patronizingly kind, half-

smile in return,

			HOLDEN

	You bet.

We're at a Comic Book show, specifically at a book-

signing. Behind Holden hangs a large banner, heralding

HOLDEN McNEIL AND BANKY EDWARDS -

CREATORS OF .BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC'. Beside it is a large

mock-up of the comic book cover which features two stoner

super-heroes who bear a

striking resemblance to a pair of very familiar friendly

neighborhood drug

dealers, Holden hands the book back to the Fan.

			FAN

	I love this book man!  This shit's

	awesome.  I wish I was like these guys

	- getting stoned, talking all raw

	about		chicks and fighting

	supervillains!  I love these guys!

	They're like .Cheech and Chong' meet

	.Bill and fed'!

			HOLDEN

	I like to chink of them as

	.Rosencrantz and Guildenstern' meet

	.Vladimir and Estragon'.

			FAN

	Yeah!

		(beat)

	Who!

BANKY signs the book of another COLLECTOR.

			COLLECTOR

	So you draw this!

			BANKY

		(signing the comic)

	I ink it and I'm also the colorist.

	The guy next to me draws it.  But we

	both came up with the characters,

			COLLECTOR

	What's that mean - you .ink it'!

			BANKY

	Well.  It means that Holden draws the

	pictures in pencil, and then he gives

	it to me to go over in ink

			COLLECTOR

	So you just trace!

Banky freezes up.  He composes himself and continues

signing.

			BANKY

	It's not tracing.  I add depth and

	shading to give the image mere

	definition. Only then does the drawing

	really take shape.

			COLLECTOR

	You go over what he draws with a pen -

	that's tracing.

			BANKY

		(hands book back to

		Collector)

	Not really.

		(calling out)

	Next!

A LITTLE KID steps up but the Collector lingers.

			COLLECTOR

	Hey man.  If somebody draws something

	and then you draw the same thing right

	on top of it, not going out-side the

	designated original art what do call

	that!

			LITTLE KID

		(shrugs)

	I don't know.  Tracing?

			COLLECTOR

		(to Banky)

	See?

			BANKY

	It's not tracing.

			COLLECTOR

	Oh, but it is.

			BANKY

		(to Little Kid)

	Do you want Lour book signed or what?

			COLLECTOR

	Hey - don't get all testy with him

	just because you have a problem with

	your station in life.

			BANKY

	I'm secure with what I do.

			COLLECTOR

	Then say it - you're a tracer.

			BANKY

		(grabbing Little Kid's book)

	How should I sign this?

			LITTLE KID

		(grabs book back)

	I don't want you to sign it, I want

	the guy that draws Bluntman and

	Chronic to sign it.  You're just a

	tracer.

			COLLECTOR

	Tell him, Little Shaver.

Holden accepts a comic from another Fan.

			HOLDEN

		(off comic)

	Who do I sign it to!

Before Holden can finish, a loud crash is heard.  He

looks to his left and freaks.

Banky is throttling the Collector from across the table.

The Collector attempts to fight him off.  SECURITY GUARDS

pull them apart. Holden grabs Banky.

			COLLECTOR

	Jesus!  All I did was call him a

	tracer!

			BANKY

		(to Collector)

	I'LL TRACE A CHALK LINE AROUND YOUR

	DEAD FUCKING BODY, YOU FUCK?!

			HOLDEN

		(to Security Guard)

	Could you get him out of here!

The Security Guards drag the collector away.

			COLLECTOR

	Hey, wait a sec!  He jumped me!  And

	you're dragging me away!!

		(exiting)

	Fucking tracer!

			BANKY

		(calling OC)

	YOUR MOTHER'S A TRACER!!



			HOLDEN

	Can I explain the audience principle

	to you!  If you insult and accost

	them, then we have no audience.

			BANKY

	He started it!  Fucking cock-knocker!

	He's lucky I didn't put my pen through

	his thorax!

			HOLDEN

	Need I remind you...

		(holds up watch)

	Curtain's in ten minutes.

INT. COMIC BOOK CONVENTION LECTURE HALL - DAY

HOOPER fills the frame.  He comes off like a typical, pro-

black/anti-white homeboy.

			HOOPER

	For years in this industry whenever an

	African-American character - hero or

	villain - was introduced usually by

	white artists and writers - they got

	slapped with racist names that singled

	them out as negroes: Black Panther,

	Black Lightning, Black Goliath, Black

	Mantra, Black Talon, Black Spider,

	Black Hand, Black Falcon, Black Cat..

			VOICE FROM CROWD

	She's white.

			HOOPER

	She is?

		(beat)

	Well bust this - regardless.

We're at a panel discussion.  The room is full.  Five

creators sit at a long table, their names on placards in

front of them.

(One of them is a very striking Girl.)  The banner behind

them reads .WORDS UP - MINORITY VOICES IN COMICS'.

			HOOPER

		(holds up comic)

	Now my book, .White-Hating Coon',

	doesn't have any of that bullshit. The

	hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's a

	descendant of the black tribe that

	established the first society on the

	planet, while all you European mother

	fuckers were still hiding in caves and

	shit, all terrified of the sun. He's a

	strong role model that a young black

	reader can look up to, .Cause I'm here

	to tell you - the chickens are comin'

	home to roost, ya'll: the black man's

	no longer gonna play the minstrel in

	the medium of comics and Sci-

	Fi/Fantasy!  We're keeping it real,

	and we're gonna get respect -

	by any means necessary!

During the speech, Holden and Banky enter and sit up

front.

			HOLDEN

		(calling out)

	Bullshit!  Lando Calrissian was a

	black man, and he got to fly the

	Millennium Falcon!

Hooper whips his head around, looking for the source of

the comment

			HOOPER

	Who said that?!?

			HOLDEN

		(standing)

	I did!  Lando Calrissian is a positive

	black role model in the realm of

	Science Fiction/Fantasy.

			HOOPER

	Fuck Lando Calrissian!  Uncle Tom

	nigger!  Always some white boy gotta

	invoke .the holy trilogy'! Bust this -

	those movies are about how the white

	man keeps the brother man down - even

	in a galaxy far, far away.  Check

	this shit.  You got cracker farm-boy

	Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy -

	blond hair, blue eyes.

	And then you've got		Darth

	Vader: the blackest brother in the

	galaxy.  Nubian God.

			BANKY

	What's a Nubian?

			HOOPER

	Shut the fuck up!  Now Vader, he's a

	spiritual brother, with the force and

	all that shit.  Then this cracker

	Skywalker gets his hands on a light-

	saber, and the boy decides he's

	gonna run the fucking universe - gets

	a whole Klan of whites together, and

	they're gonna bust up Vader's .hood

	the Death Star.  Now what the fuck do

	you call that!

			BANKY

	Intergalactic Civil War!

			HOOPER

	Gentrification.  They're gonna drive

	our the black element, to make the

	galaxy quote, unquote .safe' for white

	folks.

			HOLDEN

	But Vader turns, out to be Luke's

	father.  And in Jedi, they become

	friends.

			HOOPER

	Don't make me bust a cap in your ass,

	yo!  Jedi's the most insulting

	installment, because Vader's

	beautiful,		black visage is

	sullied when he pulls off his mask to

	reveal a feeble, crusty white man!

	They're trying to tell us that deep

	inside, we all want to be white!

			BANKY

	Well isn't that true!

Hooper explodes, He pulls a nine millimeter from his

belt, draws on Banky and fires.  Banky goes down, falling

forward into the crowd The crowd screams and starts to

scatter, Hooper jumps over the table and raises his fists

in the air.

			HOOPER

	BLACK RAGE! BLACK RAGE!!  I'LL KILL

	ANY WHITE FOLKS I LAY MY MOTHER

	FUCKIN' EYES ON!!!

The crowd-is gone.  Holden sits in his chair, laughing.

Hooper steps off the stage and picks Banky's head up off

the floor.

			HOOPER

		(breaking character)

	.What's a Nubian!'  Bitch, you almost

	made me laugh!

Hooper sounds different Actually, he sounds gay.

Actually - he is.  Banky smiles.

			BANKY

	Well what about you!  You didn't tell

	me you were going to scream .Black

	Rage'.  I nearly pissed myself.

			HOLDEN

	How do you manage to get away with

	this all the time?  Shouldn't cops be

	busting your head open right about

	now?

			BANKY

	Wrong coast.

			HOOPER

		(off gun)

	Well this right here - she full of

	blanks, okay.  And Opiate gets all

	sorts of legal clearances before I go

	on.

			HOLDEN

	Your publisher condones these

	theatrics!

			HOOPER

	Condones?  Honey, they insist.  I need

	to sell the image to sell the book

	Would the audience still buy the

	.Black Rage' angle if they found out

	the book was written by a.. a...

			BANKY

	Faggot.

			HOOPER

	When you say if it sounds so sexy...

		(he kisses Banky full on the

		lips)

			BANKY

		(wipes his lips)

	Hey, hey!  I'll play your victim, but

	not your catcher.

			VOICE

	How is it that you sound like Minister

	Farakhan when you're on stage..

They turn to see...

A beautiful, blonde, ruffled-haired angel swinging her

purse in a circle. Her name is ALYSSA.  She's the

striking Girl from the panel who didn't get to say much.

			ALYSSA

	...and the King of Pop when you're

	nor.

			HOOPER

	Look out, boys - this kitten has a

	whip.

			ALYSSA

		(shoves and slaps him)

	Always before I get to speak!  I swear

	- the next con I attend and they ask

	me to be on the minority panel, if I

	see your name anywhere near the List,

	I'm passing.

			HOOPER

		(defending himself)

	Holden.  Banky - this pile of P.M.S.

	is Alyssa Jones.  She does that book

	.Idiosyncratic Routine'.  This is the

	fourth panel we've been on together,

	and even though she knows my publisher

	sets this up and pays for the event.

	She still gets mad when it ends with

	my act.

			ALYSSA

	I just wish I was the one who gets to

	shoot you.

			HOOPER

	That's what my father said when I came

	- nay - leapt out of the closet

		(off guys)

	These boys do .Bluntman and Chronic',

	which outsells both of our books put

	together, hence they're never on a

	panel with the likes of us.  They

	slumming right now.

			BANKY

	I've read your book.  It's cute.

	Chick stuff, but cute.

Holden hits him.

			BANKY

	What?

			HOLDEN

		(shoots him a look; to

		Alyssa)

	Sorry about him.  He's dealing with

	being an inker.

			ALYSSA

		(to Banky)

	Oh. You trace!

Banky seethes.

			HOLDEN

		(shaking her hand)

	I really enjoy your book I'm surprised

	we've never met at any other Con's

	before.

			ALYSSA

	Lose the dick or change your skin tone

	and we can get to know each other on

	panel after panel while the Pink Black

	Panther here plays Chuck D. for the

	fanboys.

			HOOPER

	Hey, jealousy.

		(to the Boys)

	I told Alyssa I'd buy her a post-rave

	drink.  Do the Garden-Staters have to

	sprint to the Lincoln Tunnel, or can

	you stay for a round in the big, scary

	city!

			BANKY

	We're gonna take off soon...

			HOLDEN

	We'll go.

Banky offers Holden a puzzled glance.  Then he nods to

Hooper.

			BANKY

	We'll go.

INT BAR - NIGHT

Holden, Banky, Alyssa and Hooper sir around a table

drinking, talking, and smoking.

			BANKY

	Archie, alright!  Archie and the

	Riverdale gang were a pure and fun-

	lovin' bunch.  You can't find

	dysfunction in those comics, because

	they were just flat out wholesome.

			HOOPER

	Archie and Jughead were lovers.

		(sips his drink)

			BANKY

	Shut the fuck up.

			HOOPER

	It's true.  Archie was the bitch and

	Jughead was the butch - that's why

	Jughead wears that crown-looking hat

	all the time: he the king, of queen

	Archie's world.

			BANKY

	Man, I feel a hate-crime coming on

			HOLDEN

	He's got a point.  Archie never did

	settle on Betty or Veronica.

			BANKY

	Because he wanted them both at the

	same time, you assholes!  He never

	chose one because he was trying to get

	both of them into a three-way!

			HOOPER

		(pulls out a dollar and hands

		it to Banky)

	Here.  I want you to go down to the

	corner store and buy yourself a clue.

	Go on.

			BANKY

	Eat it.  Urkel.

			HOOPER

	I told you to watch it with that Urkel

	shit.  Face it, girl - Archie's a

	sister.

			BANKY

		(getting up; to Hooper)

	That's it.  You.

			HOOPER

	Moi?

			BANKY

	You are marching back across the

	street with me, and we're going to

	pick up a shit load of Archie books, I

	am going to prove to you - beyond the

	shadow of a doubt that Archie was all

	about pussy.  Come on.

			HOOPER

		(sliding out of booth)

	This boy is conflicted, I shall play

	mother-therapist for him.  You two sit

	tight.  We shall return promptly.

Banky and Hooper exit, leaving Alyssa and Holden alone at

the table.

			ALYSSA

	Is he always Like that!

			HOLDEN

	For years now.  Started back in third

	grade - a nun was teaching us about

	the Blessed Trinity.  She's going on

	about the three persons in one God

	thing - Father, Son, Holy Spirit - and

	he just goes ballistic.  I guess it

	was too big for him to grasp.  They

	got into this huge fight.

			ALYSSA

	Please.  How bad could it have been!

			HOLDEN

	You ever seen a nun call a small child

	a .fucking cunt-rag'?  Wasn't pretty,

	Shit like that's bound to happen when

	you make a kid wear a matching tie and

	slacks everyday.

			ALYSSA

	And your parochial school

	misadventures!

			HOLDEN

	Limited to wine-tasting prior to mass.

	Turned me into a grade school

	alcoholic altar boy.  I couldn't tell

	you how many mornings after serous

	benders		I'd wake up next

	to strange priests.

			ALYSSA

	Aren't you the sharp wit!

			HOLDEN

	Sharp!  No.  I'm just a fan of clergy-

	molestation humor.  Probably why the

	extended family quit inviting me to

	First Communion parties.

Alyssa laughs.  Holden smiles.

			ALYSSA

		(looking OC)

	You play darts!

			HOLDEN

	Not professionally.  You know - only

	in bars.







AT THE DART BOARD



A dart hits the board then, one hits the wall beside the

board.



Alyssa winds up with another dart.  Holden watches. Her's

always hit. His never do.



			ALYSSA

	So your new book seems to be selling

	like mad.



			HOLDEN

	It goes back to something my

	grandmother told me when I was a kid.

	"Holden," she said "The big bucks are

	in dick and fart jokes."  She was a

	church-goer.



			ALYSSA

	Uh-oh - the cry from the heart of a

	real artist trapped in commercial hell

	- pitying his good fortune.  I'm sure

	you can dry your eyes on all those fat

	checks you rake in.



			HOLDEN

	I'm sorry - did I detect a note of

	bitter envy in there!



			ALYSSA

	Nope.  I'm happy my stuff gets read at

	all.  There's very little market for

	hearts and flowers in this spandex-

	clad, big pecs, big tits, big guns

	field.  If I sell two issues, I feel

	like John Grisham.



			HOLDEN

		(looking out window)

	It's all about marketing.  Over- or

	underweight guys who don't get laid -

	they're our bread and butter.  People

	like those two outside should be

	yours.



Through the window, we see a COUPLE making out on the

hood of a car.



			HOLDEN

	And sadly, there are more of our core

	audience out there than yours.

		(smiles)

	Look at that, though - kind of gives

	you a little charge, to see two people

	in love.  And all over Banky's car, no

	less.  That car's seeing more action

	right now than it's seen in years.



			ALYSSA

	Bubbly guy like that, it's hard to

	figure out why.



			HOLDEN

		(still looking at OC Couple)

	You've gotta respect that kind of

	display of affection.  It's crazy,

	rude, self-absorbed - but it's love.



			ALYSSA

	That's not love.



			HOLDEN

	Says you.



			ALYSSA

	That out there!  That's fleeting.



			HOLDEN

	Fleeting.



			ALYSSA

	Uh-huh.  You wanna hear about love!

	Oh, I'll tell you about love.



			HOLDEN

	A story?



			ALYSSA

	The story.  The original love story.



			HOLDEN

	'Doctor Zhivago'.



			ALYSSA

	Nope.  My mother's uncle.  He was a

	millionaire.



			HOLDEN

	Get out.



			ALYSSA

	I kid you not.



			HOLDEN

	Explain.



			ALYSSA

	All through high school, he dated this

	one girl.  They  were inseparable.

	And when they graduated, she went off

	to Carnegie Mellon...



			HOLDEN

	In Pittsburgh.



			ALYSSA

	I'm impressed.  So he stays in the

	home town, and they begin their long-

	distance relationship.  The plan is,

	on the  third Sunday of every month,

	he'll train out, spend a week then

	train back They do this for four

	years.



			HOLDEN

	That is love.



			ALYSSA

	Not nearly finished.  Two months

	before she's going to graduate, he's

	got this job digging graves, and he

	comes across...



			HOLDEN

	A stiff.



			ALYSSA

	A steamer trunk containing silver

	ingots.



			HOLDEN

	Get out of here.



			ALYSSA

	Many, many silver ingots.  Now, my

	mother's uncle being quite the

	ingenious chap - he buries the trunk

	again and heads up to the main office,

	where he proceeds to purchase a

	cemetery plot.  Guess which one?



			HOLDEN

	Clever.



			ALYSSA

	So now he owns the plot and all of its

	contents.  Two  days later, my

	mother's uncle is worth three million.



			HOLDEN

	At which time he marries the high

	school sweetheart and lives happily

	ever after.



			ALYSSA

	Not even close.  Inside the steamer

	trunk, stenciled into the wood, or

	something like that, is a curse.



			HOLDEN

	Someone wrote 'Fuck' inside his new

	steamer trunk.



			ALYSSA

	Not that kind of curse.  A cryptic

	curse "Great fortune means great loss"

	it said.



			HOLDEN

	What kind of asshole writes that

	inside a steamer trunk!



			ALYSSA

	The same kind of asshole that buries

	silver ingots.  The day my mother's

	uncle is heading out to see the girl,

	he stops at his accountant's to grab

	some cash, and winds up missing his

	train.  So he has to take the next one

	- which he does - and he gets there an

	hour later than his usual time of

	arrival, whereupon he sees lights.



			HOLDEN

	A hero's welcome for the new

	millionaire.



			ALYSSA

	It seems that while she was standing

	on the platform waiting that extra

	hour for my mother's uncle to show up,

	the girl was dragged into the bushes

	by an unknown assailant, raped and

	gutted.



Holden is silent Alyssa downs her drink.



			ALYSSA

	The assailant was never apprehended.



			HOLDEN

		(beat)

	That's a love story!!



			ALYSSA

	Yes, and here's why: my mother's uncle

	rode that train every day for the rest

	of his life.  One day up, the next day

	back.  Did that 'till the day he died.

	He donated the fortune he'd acquired

	to the train station in Pittsburgh, to

	have a well-lit terminal built.

	The train line let him ride for free

	after that.



			HOLDEN

	I should hope so.  Jesus, that's the

	saddest tale I've ever heard.



			ALYSSA

	That's my love story.



Alyssa tosses her last dart.  Holden seems a bit dazed.

He looks out the window.



			HOLDEN

	Those two aren't on the hood of

	Banky's car anymore.



			ALYSSA

	I told you It wasn't love.

		(grabs her purse)

	I gotta split.  It was really nice

	meeting you.  I wish you the best of

	luck with your book.

		(shakes his hand)

	Tell Hooper I'll call him later.  And

	tell your friend to calm down.



Alyssa exits to the night.  Holden stares after her.  Two

beats later, Hooper and Banky enter, holding an

'Everything's Archie' comic between them.



			BANKY

	You're insane.  Archie is not fucking

	Mister Weatherbee!



			HOOPER

	Deny, deny, deny.

		(to Holden)

	Where's Alyssa?



			HOLDEN

	Huh!  Oh.  She left.  She said she'd

	call you later.



			BANKY

		(off comic)

	He's just offering to help Archie with

	his homework!



			HOOPER

	Read between the lines.



			BANKY

		(shoves book at him)

	Fuck this.

		(to Holden)

	Let's go.  Traffic.

		(no response from Holden)

	Holden!



			HOLDEN

		(shaken)

	What!



			BANKY

	Let's go.



			HOOPER

		(looking out window)

	D'jou see that dent in the hood of

	your car!



			BANKY

		(looking out window)

	What the...!  Son of a bitch!



Banky runs out Holden shrugs at Hooper.



			HOOPER

	Let me guess: you like her!



			HOLDEN

	Who?



			HOOPER

	Miss Alyssa Jones.



			HOLDEN

	She's alright.



			HOOPER

	As long as that's all.

		(finishes drink)

	Maybe you can convince that partner of

	your's to drop me off downtown before

	you scurry out the tunnel!



			HOLDEN

		(beat)

	Mister Weatherbee wasn't really trying

	to fuck Archie, was he!



They begin exiting.



			HOOPER

	Hell no.  Weatherbee was Reggie's

	bitch.







INT. STUDIO - DAY



We're in Holden and Banky's studio/apartment.  It's a

rented loft-style place with high ceilings, wood floors

and sparse furnishings.  There are posters on the walls,

a sort of kitchenette, a hockey net, a big TV. (with all

the trimmings - VCR, Laserdisc player, Sega, SNES), a

huge comfy couch, and two drawing boards with adjacent

desks (littered with pencils, pens, coloring pencils,

paints, erasers, etc.) - at which sit Holden and Banky.

They're working.  Some music plays.



C.U. OF HOLDEN PENCILING - over his shoulder, we see

Holden sketching Chronic in mid-attack of his arch-

nemesis - the Giggler.  Holden erases a line and re-

draws.



C.U. OF BANKY INKING - over his shoulder, we see Banky

outlining a pre-penciled page.  He traces Bluntman

swinging from a street light.



The two work in silence.  Then...



			BANKY

		(not looking up)

	This is one of the best street lights

	you've ever drawn.



			HOLDEN

	It's the one across from the post

	office.



			BANKY

	Looks just like it.



			HOLDEN

	Thanks.

		(beat)

	What do you wanna do tonight!



			BANKY

	Get a pizza.  Watch 'Degrassi Junior

	High'.



			HOLDEN

		(erases)

	You got a weird thing for Canadian

	melodrama.



			BANKY

	I've got a weird thing for girls who

	say 'aboot'.



The phone starts ringing.  Holden answers it, while still

drawing.



			HOLDEN

	Bank-Hold-Up.



CROSSCUT between Holden and Hooper.  He's on a phone in a

CLUB.



			HOOPER

	Hooper here.  Listen, I know how you

	burb-fiends hate the city, but there's

	a club shindig going down that I think

	you'd get into.



			HOLDEN

	Where is it?



			HOOPER

	Place called Her-sterectomy - I'm

	tempting as bar-keep.



			HOLDEN

	I don't know, Hoop.  We're prepping

	the next issue, and we've got our big

	M-TV meeting in the morning.



			HOOPER

	I told her you wouldn't be interested.



			HOLDEN

	Told who?



			HOOPER

	Alyssa.



			HOLDEN

	Alyssa from last night Alyssa?



			HOOPER

	How do you begin and end a question

	with the same word like that?  You got

	skill.  Yes, that one.  She asked me

	to invite you.  Now here's the part

	where you say...



			HOLDEN

	I'll be there.



			HOOPER

	Thought so.  Ten o'clock.  Later.

		(both hang up)



			BANKY

	Who was that?



			HOLDEN

	Hooper.  He invited me to a club.



			BANKY

	When's that faggot going to learn -

	you like chicks.



			HOLDEN

		(getting up)

	Not that kind of a club.



			BANKY

	So when we leaving?



			HOLDEN

	'We'?  You can't go.  He's setting me

	up with Alyssa.



			BANKY

	And?



			HOLDEN

	And I don't want you messing it up.



			BANKY

	Like I care about your shit.  Maybe

	I'll hook up myself.



			HOLDEN

		(pulling on coat)

	I just told you - it's not that kind

	of club.



			BANKY

	How does one man get to be so funny!



			HOLDEN

		(throws him his coat)

	How are you going to get home if I

	hook up!



			BANKY

	Like that'll happen.



			HOLDEN

	Let me explain something to you, my

	witless chum the other night in that

	bar, we two - Alyssa and I shared a

	moment, alright!



			BANKY

	Oh, you had a moment!



			HOLDEN

		(brings his two pointer

		fingers together)

	We shared a moment.  And in that

	moment, one thing was made abundantly

	clear: this girl loves me, my friend.

	Loves-me.







6.	INT. HER-STERECTOMY - NIGHT						6.



It's a club - people are mingling, a band is playing,

it's loud.  But something's fishy.  Hooper's tending bar.

He hands a GUY a drink.  The Guy sips it.



			GUY

	This is so watered down.  It's

	terrible.  Why is it you can never get

	a decent drink in these places!



Hooper looks around in a very exaggerated fashion.



			GUY

	What are you doing!



			HOOPER

	Trying to find you a tissue.



The Guy shoots Hooper an angry glare, Banky enters.



			BANKY

	Alright - bring on the free hootch.



			HOOPER

	As long as you don't bitch about how

	little alcohol is in the drink.

		(hands Banky a drink; to Guy)

	You owe me five sixty.



			GUY

		(off Banky)

	And I suppose you're going to make

	your friend here pay for his drink

	right!



			BANKY

	Hey, I befriended a guy in a position

	of authority so I could abuse that

	authority and get free shit.  You want

	to do the same?  There's a lonely

	Hindu works at the'7-ll' across the

	street.  Get in tight with him.



The Guy angrily pulls out his money and slams it on the

bar.



			GUY

	I work at that '7-11'!

		(storms away)



			BANKY

		(calling after him)

	Wanna be friends!



			HOOPER

	Where's your better half!



			BANKY

	Taking a piss.  Guy's got a bladder

	like an infant.



			HOOPER

	That's funny - he says you're hung

	like an infant.



			BANKY

	Must his mother tell him everything!



Holden enters.



			BANKY

	What'd you do - fall in love?



			HOLDEN

	Where is she?



			HOOPER

	Over there...



ON THE DANCE FLOOR - in the middle of a thrall of people -

dances Alyssa.  She moves like a cat and she's looking

very sexy.



			OC HOOPER

	Been dancin' for an hour.  Hasn't

	stopped yet.



Hooper, Holden, and Banky stare OC.



			BANKY

	She ain't no Denny Terrio, I'll say

	that.



Holden smacks Banky and moves to exit.



			HOOPER

	Wait. wait, wait - there's something

	you should know.



			HOLDEN

	She's got a boyfriend.



			HOOPER

	Well.. no.



			HOLDEN

	Then what's to know?



Holden exits; They watch him go.  Banky looks around.



			BANKY

	There're a lot of chicks in this

	place.



			HOOPER

	'Chicks'.  You're such a man.



			BANKY

		(beat)

	He didn't really say that about my

	dick, did he!



ON THE DANCE FLOOR - Holden slips into the crowd and

dances up to Alyssa.  He intentionally bumps into her.



			HOLDEN

		(fake rage, dancing)

	Hey, hey, hey - you fucked up my

	cabbage-patch!



			ALYSSA

	Well, well, well - Bluntman himself.

	Or should I call you Chronic!



			HOLDEN

	Call me flattered.  I heard you sent

	me the invite to this little soiree'.



			ALYSSA

	From a former home-town girl, to

	Mister Home-Town himself.



			HOLDEN

	You're saying you're from the 'burbs!



			ALYSSA

	Middletown, N.J.



			HOLDEN

	Get out of here!  I'm from Highlands!



			ALYSSA

	I know.  Hooper told me.



			HOLDEN

	How is it that we never ran into one

	another?



			ALYSSA

	You graduate from Hudson?



			HOLDEN

	Yeah.  Eighty eight.



			ALYSSA

	I went to North.  Also eighty eight.



			HOLDEN

	What a small fucking world.  So you

	know the tri-town area!



			ALYSSA

	Quiz me.



			HOLDEN

	Miller Hill?



			ALYSSA

	I wrote my name on the wall.



			HOLDEN

	Sandy Hook?



			ALYSSA

	Lost my virginity there.



			HOLDEN

	This is so cool.  The mall!



			ALYSSA

	Eden Prairie of Menlo Park!



			HOLDEN

	Wait - here's the big test: Quick

	Stop!



			ALYSSA

	My best friend fucked a dead guy in

	the back room.



			HOLDEN

	You know that girl!!



			ALYSSA

	I did.  Before she was committed.



			HOLDEN

	You know what this is!  This is fate.



			ALYSSA

		(regarding her move)

	No, this is the 'Rog'.



			HOLDEN

	I was talking about us meeting - what

	are the chances!



			ALYSSA

	Pretty slim.  I haven't been back to

	the 'burbs since my friend's funeral.



			HOLDEN

	The Quick Stop girl died!



			ALYSSA

	Another friend - Julie Dwyer.  She

	died in the..



			HOLDEN

	Y.M.C.A pool!  Damn!  You knew her

	too!



			ALYSSA

	So well.



			HOLDEN

	One friend in an asylum, the other

	friend in the grave.  You're a

	dangerous person to know.



			ALYSSA

	But I can tap.

		(does an impromptu tap dance)

	That was the Buffalo Two-Step.



			HOLDEN

	Very solid.



			ALYSSA

	That's what six years of tap lessons

	yields.



			HOLDEN

	Two towns away from each other for

	years and we had to meet in New York.



The Sand stops playing. People clap.



			ALYSSA

	Coulda been worse - we could have not

	met at all.



Holden looks at her.



			OC SINGER

	Thank you.  Thanks.



The SINGER on stage speaks into the microphone.



			SINGER

	A long time ago, we used to have this

	bass player who took off one day to

	draw funny books or something.  Maybe

	you've seen her stuff - it's called

	'Idiosyncratic Routine''



The crowd applauds.  Alyssa shakes her head, smiling.

Holden pokes her.



			SINGER

	But what a lot of people don't know is

	that she used to harbor these

	delusions that she could sing.  And

	she used to subject us to these

	throaty renditions of Debbie Gibson

	tunes and shit, insisting that we let

	her front on a few numbers.  Well, we

	didn't and she quit.. and then she got

	famous, the bitch.

		(crowd laughs)

	But she's here tonight, and I think if

	we all begged, or maybe offered her

	some X, she'd get up here and treat us

	to some of her vocal stylings.

		(crowd applauds)

	What do you say, Alyssa?



Alyssa shakes her head no.  The crowd urges her.  Holden

pushes her forward.



			SINGER

	She's shy.

		(yelling)

	GET UP HERE AND SING, BITCH!!



The crowd thunders.  Alyssa offers the Singer an

embarrassed half-smile.  She looks at Holden, who claps

along with the others and nods toward the stage.  Alyssa

shakes her head and relents, heading through the crowd



Banky and Hooper stand at the bar.



			BANKY

	This is so queer.

		(he exits)



			HOOPER

		(beat)

	You don't know the half of it.



Alyssa jumps on stage, hugging the Singer.  She takes the

mic, shaking her head.  The crowd is applauding.



			ALYSSA

	She is such a twat.



The crowd cheers.  Alyssa laughs.  She turns to the band

and says something which they nod.  She turns back to the

crowd.



			ALYSSA

	Alright.  I should dedicate this,

	right?

		(thinks)

	This is for that special someone our

	there.



Holden smiles.  Banky joins him.  Holden glances at him.

Banky offers a mocking mimic of his smile.



The band starts playing.  Cross cutting begins.



Alyssa launches into a torchy tune.  The song is

extremely sexy - as is Alyssa who works the mic, making

direct eye contact with...



Holden.  Or does she!  Holden is smiling, being seduced,

Banky rolls his eyes.  Beside Holden, stands a pretty

GIRL with a short haircut, who's also riveted by Alyssa's

performance.



Alyssa makes big-time eye contact with somebody out

there.

The song seems to be aimed at whoever she's looking at.

It's more than obvious there's a seduction going on, bur

of whom!  At the end of the song, the crowd goes wild but

Alyssa's preoccupied.  She points to someone in the

crowd, and curls her finger back in a 'c'mere' fashion,

urging whoever it is to join her.  She jumps off the

stage.



Holden shakes his head sheepishly and looks downward, aw-

shucks style.  At that moment, the Girl beside him leaps

forward.  Banky's eyes widen.  Holden looks up and is

suddenly taken aback.



Alyssa and the Girl race into each other's arms and fall

into a way-to-passionate-to-mean-anything-else kiss.



Holden's eyes bug.  Banky allows a smile to creep across

his face.  The crowd applauds.  Banky looks around, and

for the first time, we get the distinct impression that

this is a lesbian bar...



There are a lot of chicks in this place.  Gay chicks.

Banky looks at Holden and slaps him on the back.



			BANKY

	Now that, my friend, is a..

		(brings his fingers together,

		mimicing Holden)

	...shared moment



Holden continues to stare - mouth agape.



Alyssa and the Girl continue to kiss.







INT. HER-STERECTOMY - LATER



Banky, Holden, Alyssa and the Girl from the dance floor

sit around a table.  Alyssa and the Girl continue to make

out.  Holden and Banky casually watch, wide-eyed.  Banky

stares a little harder.  Holden hits him.



			BANKY

	What?!



			HOLDEN

		(under his breath)

	That's rude.



			BANKY

	Man, when are we ever going to get a

	chance to see this kind of shit live

	without paying for it?



Alyssa and the Girl break their kiss.



			ALYSSA

	Uh-oh - better knock it off: we're

	getting a man excited.



			HOLDEN

	Sorry.  It's just... new to him.



			BANKY

	Oh, and you're an old hand at this.



			ALYSSA

	No, I should apologize.  I don't

	usually get all mushy in public.  But

	it's been awhile since I've seen Kim

	here.



			KIM

		(formerly the Girl)

	Tell me you didn't set that gross

	display up with the band just so you

	could nail me.



			ALYSSA

	Like I'd have to go through that much

	effort



			KIM

	You know what!  I want to dance.



			ALYSSA

	Go ahead.  I'll watch from here.



			KIM

		(tugging at her arm)

	No.  I want to dance with you.



			ALYSSA

	Don't be such a rag.  I have to sit

	here and work up the desire to fuck

	you later.



			KIM

	Please.



Kim exits.  Banky is smiling ear-to-ear.  Alyssa looks at

him.



			ALYSSA

	Yes?



			BANKY

	You said 'fuck'.  To that girl.  You

	said you'd 'fuck' her.



			ALYSSA

	And?



			BANKY

	How can a girl 'fuck' another girl!

	Were you talking about strap-ons or

	something?



			HOLDEN

		(hits him)

	Would you shut up!!



			BANKY

	What!!?  It's a valid question.  You

	know the dyke stuff in the Penthouse

	Letters section is written by guys -

	this is our chance to get the inside

	scoop.



			HOLDEN

		(to Alyssa)

	I don't know how many times I can

	apologize for him.



			ALYSSA

	It's okay.  Secretly, all I really

	want is to be the center of attention.

		(to Banky)

	I've never used a snap-on.



			BANKY

	Then what's with saying 'fuck?

	Shouldn't you say 'eat her out' or at

	least modify the term 'fuck' with

	something like 'fist'?



			ALYSSA

	Let me ask you a question - can men

	'fuck' each other!



			BANKY

	Ask Hooper.



			ALYSSA

	In your estimation.



			BANKY

	Sure.



			ALYSSA

	So for you, to 'fuck' means to

	penetrate.  You're used to the more

	traditional definition - you inside

	some girl you've duped, jack-hammering

	away, not noticing that bored look in

	her eyes.



			BANKY

	Hey - I always notice the bored look

	in their eyes.



			ALYSSA

		(laughs)

	'Fucking' is nor limited to

	penetration, Banky. For me it

	describes any sex when it's not

	totally about love.  I don't love Kim,

	but I'll fuck her.  I'm sure you don't

	love every girl you sleep with.



			BANKY

	Some of them I downright loathe.



			ALYSSA

	But I'll bet it's different with the

	ones you love.  I'll bet you go the

	full nine when it's not just a quick

	fix - like you go down on them longer

	or something.



			HOLDEN

	Here we go.



			BANKY

	I don't do that.



			ALYSSA

	What?!?!



			BANKY

	I stopped dropping.  It got to be too

	frustrating.



			HOLDEN

	As stupid as you usually come off

	during this diatribe of your's, you're

	going to come off ten times as stupid

	on this occasion.



			BANKY

	What?!  I lost my tolerance for the

	bullshit baggage that comes with

	eating girls out.  What's the big

	deal?!



			ALYSSA

	If you say the smell, so help me, I'll

	slug you.



			BANKY

	Not the smell - the smell is good.

	I'm talking about not being able to do

	it property.  And my mother brought me

	up to believe that if I can't do

	something

	right I shouldn't do it at all.  Of

	course, my father told me she gave

	lousy head, but that's beside the

	point.



			ALYSSA

	At least you blame yourself for your

	sexual inadequacies.



			BANKY

	No, I blame them.  Chicks never help

	you out.  They never tell you what to

	do.  And most of them are self-

	conscious about that smell factor, and

	so most of the time they just lay

	there, frozen like a deer in the

	headlights, right?  Not for nothing,

	but when a chick goes down on me.  I

	let her know where to go, and what the

	status is.  You gotta handle it like

	CNN and the Weather Channel - constant

	updates.



			HOLDEN

	You're such an idiot.



			ALYSSA

	No, he's got a point.  That's how I

	was in high school - I was nervous,

	and inhibited about being eaten out.

	But by the time I got to college, that

	all changed.  I loosened up.  Not only

	did I learn to communicate - I learned

	to be bossy.

	I was like one of those guys at the

	airport with those big flash lights -

	waving them this way, directing them

	that way, telling them when to stop.



			BANKY

	And that's all I'm saying, it'd be

	different if chicks helped out -

	pointed a guy in the right direction.

	Then there'd be no bullshit, no wasted

	time, and no chance for permanent

	injuries.



			ALYSSA

	Permanent injuries?



			BANKY

	Sure.  You wanna see something

	permanent!

		(pulls our front tooth)

	I got this from Nina Rollins,

	sophomore year.  I'm going down on

	her, and out of nowhere, her cat jumps

	on her stomach.  She does this big ol'

	pelvic thrust - cracks my tooth in

	half, sends it down my throat.  I had

	to get a crown for the stub.



			ALYSSA

		(to Holden)

	I got that beat.

		(to Banky)

	I got that beat.

		(half-turns and lifts chin)

	Sophomore year.  I'm going down on

	Cynthia Slater in her dorm room after

	we went club-hopping.  I'm totally

	drunk, and in the middle of it, I fall

	asleep - right there in her lap.  She

	got so mad, she digs her heel into my

	back, right there.

		(points to scar)

	That's permanent.



			BANKY

	You see this!

		(moves neck slightly right)

	That's the farthest I can move my neck

	to the right Sophomore year, I'm going

	out with Maria Bennert, and for six

	months, I'm going down on her, and not

	a damn thing's happening.

	Then one night, I change a position,

	or vary my lapping-speed, and suddenly

	it's a whole new world.  She's moving

	around, convulsing, breathing heavy.

	And her legs are pressing against my

	ears so tightly that I don't hear her

	father come into the room.  He grabs

	my hair...

		(grabs his own hair and pulls

		back)

	...and he pulls me way back, hard.



			ALYSSA

		(throws up her leg, and rolls

		up pants)

	Senior year.  Spring Formal.  I'm

	eating our Missy Kurt in her brother's

	car.  She's laying across the back

	seat, and I'm half-hanging out of the

	car, my knees on the ground.  She's

	flailing around, and she knocks the

	parking brake off.  The car starts

	rolling down the hill, and my right

	knee is cut up all to shit like a

	kiddy's scissor class cut it up for

	paper dolls.



Banky and Alyssa laugh.  Holden looks at a small scar on

his arm and thinks better about mentioning it.  Then Kim

re-enters and plants a big kiss on Alyssa's neck.



			HOLDEN

		(off Banky's watch)

	Holy shit, is that the time.  We've

	gotta beat traffic.



			BANKY

	What traffic - it's one thirty in the

	morning!



			HOLDEN

		(getting up)

	And rush hour starts in six hours.

	Let's go.

		(to Alyssa)

	Thanks for inviting us out.  It was...

	educational.



Alyssa waves at him as he exits.  Banky slides out of the

booth.



			BANKY

		(to Kim)

	Since you like chicks, right..

	do you just look at yourself in the

	mirror all the time?



Holden reaches in and pulls Banky out.  Alyssa watches

them go, then turns and kisses Kim.







INT. M-TV EXEC'S OFFICE WAITING ROOM - DAY



Holden looks preoccupied.  Banky flips through magazines,

biting off mini pieces of the gum he's chewing.  He

sticks them between pages, presses the mag closed, picks

up another one and then repeats the whole process.  A

Receptionist types.



			BANKY

		(off Holden's look)

	You're still dwelling on the dyke,

	aren't you?



			HOLDEN

	Lower your voice.



			BANKY

	What'd I tell you - she just needs the

	right guy.  All every woman really

	wants - be it mother, senator, nun -

	is some serious deep-dicking.



The Receptionist stops typing and looks at Banky,

shocked.



			BANKY

		(off her look)

	Don't give me that look - I heard Adam

	Curry say worse.



The Secretary goes back to typing.  Banky shrugs at

Holden.



			BANKY

	That's why I can't buy lesbians.

	Everyone needs dick.  See, I can buy

	fags.  Bunch of guys that need dick -

	just plain need it?  That I get.

	Dykes?  Bullshit posturing.  But -

	live and let live, I guess.



			HOLDEN

	I'm sure the gay community appreciates

	your support.



JOHN SLOSS, the boy's lawyer, joins them.



			SLOSS

	Please tell me you haven't blown this

	deal already.



			BANKY

	Sloss like a mother fucker.

		(slaps his hand)



			SLOSS

	Hey, every mother but your's - a

	shyster's gotta have his standards.

	Shall we?







INT. M-TV EXEC'S OFFICE - DAY



The EXECS are a casual couple of guys, sitting on couches

across from our trio.



			EXEC 1

	We just want to start off by saying

	that it's a pleasure to finally meet

	you.  While it's been - shall we say -

	an experience dealing with Sloss here,

	one of the main reasons we started

	this whole thing was to meet the guys

	that do 'Bluntman and Chronic'.



			EXEC 2

		(points at them)

	'Snootchie Bootchies'.



The Execs and Sloss laugh.  Holden and Banky politely

join in.  Banky shoots Holden a 'these guys are idiots'

look.



			EXEC 1

	Which brings us to our proposal: we

	are extremely interested in doing

	twelve, half-hour 'Bluntman and

	Chronic' cartoons.  The age of Beavis

	is coming to a close, and we're

	looking for something... something...



			BANKY

	Even more retarded and juvenile to

	sate the voracious, intellectually-

	challenged miscreants that make up

	your key demographic.



The Execs laugh hard.  Sloss secretly shrugs to Banky and

gives the thumbs up.



			EXEC 1

		(composes himself)

	So what do you say! Are we in

	business!



Banky leans back into the couch, wearing a thoughtful

face.  He looks to Holden, then to Sloss.  Sloss nods in

understanding.



			SLOSS

	Jim, Sean - could we have a few

	minutes!



			EXEC 2

		(looks to Exec 1)

	Uh... absolutely.  We'll just..



			EXEC 1

	Uh...wait outside



The Exec's smile and head our, closing the door behind

then.  Sloss turns to Banky.



			SLOSS

	So?  Did I do good?



			BANKY

	You did better - you sold us out!



They clasp hands and quietly explode in ebullience.



			SLOSS

	Do you know how much you'll make on

	merchandising alone!



			BANKY

		(as Simon Bar Sinister)

	Money and Power, and Money and

	Power...



			SLOSS

		(joins in)

	Money dnd Power, and Money and...



			HOLDEN

		(interrupting)

	I don't think it's a good idea.



Banky and Sloss freeze.  They stare at Holden.



			BANKY

	What's not a good idea!  Please don't

	say the cartoon, please don't say the

	cartoon...



			HOLDEN

	The cartoon.



			SLOSS

	What?!?  Are you out of your fucking

	mind!



			BANKY

		(getting up)

	John, let me handle this.

		( to Holden)

	You are out of your fucking mind,

	aren't you!



			HOLDEN

	Is this how you want to be remembered!

	As the guy who created Bluntman and

	Chronic!



Banky sits at the Exec's desk and starts rifling through

the guy's stuff.



			BANKY

	No, I'd like to be remembered as the

	filthy rich guy who created Bluntman

	and Chronic.



			HOLDEN

	But it'll be all glossy and main-

	stream.  We'll lose any artistic

	credibility we ever had.



			SLOSS

		(to Banky)

	Is it me!  I don't see the problem.



			BANKY

		(to Sloss)

	He just has to get over this crush of

	his.



			SLOSS

	Oh God - not on Carrie Fisher again!

		(to Holden)

	Holden - she's not really a Princess.



			BANKY

		(opening drawer with a letter

		opener)

	Not on her; on Alyssa Jones - the

	chick that does that comic book

	'Idiosyncratic Routine'.  You ever

	seen it?



			SLOSS

	Please.  Like I even read your comic,

	let alone anyone else's,

		(to Holden)

	I'm not limited to offering you legal

	counsel only, my friend.  I'm also

	learned in the ways of the heart, and

	can offer you this advice - nail her,

	get it out of your system, and move

	on.  Like we say at Sloss Law - good

	fences make good neighbors.



			BANKY

	She'd never let him in her yard.  The

	chick's gay.



			SLOSS

		(laughing)

	She's gay?  You fell for a gay, comic-

	book writing chick?  Holden, you poor,

	poor man!

		(beat)

	Wait a sec - does she have

	representation!



			BANKY

	Always working, you.

		(holds up a Polaroid of a

		naked woman)

	Look at this - Mrs. M-TV Exec has a

	string of pearls hanging our of her

	ass,



			SLOSS

	Would you leave his stuff alone!

		(to Holden)

	You can break her resolve, killer.

	All it takes is one good man.  But if

	it takes two good men, don't hesitate

	to call me.  That being said, in

	regards to the more pressing issue, I

	suggest you leave art to the museums

	and grab on with both hands to the

	big, fat check.



			HOLDEN

	I'll give it some thought



			BANKY

		(holding up Polaroid)

	I'm taking this as a precaution - just

	in case they give us any shit about

	pussy's decision delay.

		(glaring at Holden)

	You'll 'give it some thought'.  You're

	so retarded



			HOLDEN

	I'm retarded!  This from the guy who

	only forty five minutes ago paid fifty

	bucks for what's supposed to be a boot-

	leg of 'March of the Wooden Soldiers'

	with a deleted scene of Stan Laurel

	wearing a French Tickler.



			SLOSS

	How'd you fall for that!



			BANKY

	The guy who sold it to me had an

	honest face.







INT. STUDIO - DAY



There is a door.  There's a knock at the door.  Holden

opens it and Alyssa is standing there.



			ALYSSA

	Somebody told me that they make comic

	books here, and I've got an idea for

	this story about a guy who comes to a

	club and high-tails it when he finds

	out this girl is pay.  Any interest in

	a story like that!



Holden smiles.







EXT. RIVERFRONT PARK - DAY



Alyssa and Holden walk through the park, eating hot dogs.



			ALYSSA

	M-TV?



			HOLDEN

	Twelve episodes.



			ALYSSA

	That's great, isn't it?



			HOLDEN

	Banky seems to think so.



			ALYSSA

	But you don't.



They come to a swing set and sit down on the swings.



			HOLDEN

	I don't know if that's the perception

	I want people to have of our stuff.  I

	know this sounds pretentious as hell,

	but I like to think of us as artists.

	And I'd like to get back to doing

	something more personal - like our

	first book.



			ALYSSA

	Well when are you going to do that?



			HOLDEN

		(beat)

	As soon as we have something personal

	to say.



			ALYSSA

	Do you know how pretty you are?



			HOLDEN

	What?



			ALYSSA

	You're a pretty man.



			HOLDEN

	Uh... thanks.



			ALYSSA

	Oh.  I get it.  I'm into girls, so I

	have to find all men repulsive or

	something.



			HOLDEN

	I didn't say anything.



			ALYSSA

	Aren't there some men that you find

	attractive?  Granted, not enough to

	sleep with, but still - just handsome

	or something!



			HOLDEN

	Sure.  Harrison Ford.  And our mail-

	man.



			ALYSSA

	Well it's the same thing.  I look at

	you and just find you really handsome.

	And you know, it has very little to do

	with your look, per-se.  Your look is

	fine, don't get me wrong.  But it's

	more your outlook.  The things you

	say, the way you see things.  It's...

	I don't know... attractive,



Holden looks away, embarrassed,



			ALYSSA

	I weirded you our the other night



			HOLDEN

	Huh!  No, not really.



			ALYSSA

	Come on.



			HOLDEN

		(beat)

	It's just that we've.., I mean, I've

	never seen that kind of thing up close

	and personal.  It just took awhile to

	process, longer than usual.



			ALYSSA

	Do you want to talk about it!



			HOLDEN

	Um.  If you want to.



			ALYSSA

	I like you.  I haven't liked a man in

	a long time.  And I'm not a man-hater

	or something.  It's just been some

	time since I've been exposed to a man

	that didn't immediately live-into a

	stereotype of some sort.  And I want

	you to feel comfortable with me,

	because I want us to be friends.  So

	if there are things you'd like to

	know, it's okay to ask me.



			HOLDEN

		(beat)

	Why girls?



			ALYSSA

		(beat)

	Why men?



			HOLDEN

	Because that's the standard



			ALYSSA

	If that's the only reason you're

	attracted to women - because it's the

	standard..



			HOLDEN

	It's more than that.



			ALYSSA

	So you've never been curious about

	men?



			HOLDEN

	Curious about men?  Well... I always

	wondered why my father watched 'Hee-

	Haw'.



			ALYSSA

	You know what I mean.



			HOLDEN

	No.



			ALYSSA

	Why not!



			HOLDEN

	No interest.



			ALYSSA

	Because...?



			HOLDEN

	Girls feel right.



			ALYSSA

	And that's how I feel.  I've never

	really been attracted to men.  I'm

	more comfortable with the idea of

	girls.



			HOLDEN

	Wait, wait, wait - you're still a

	virgin?



			ALYSSA

	No.



			HOLDEN

	But you've only been with girls.



			ALYSSA

	You're saying a person's a virgin

	until they've had intercourse with a

	member of the opposite sex?



			HOLDEN

	Isn't that the standard definition?



			ALYSSA

	Again with the standards.  I think

	virginity is lost when you make love

	for the first time.



			HOLDEN

	With a member of the opposite sex.



			ALYSSA

	Why?  Why only then?



			HOLDEN

	Because that's the standard.



			ALYSSA

	So if a virgin is raped, then she's

	still a virgin?



			HOLDEN

	Of course not.



			ALYSSA

	But rape is not the standard.  So

	she's had sex, but not the standard

	idea of sex.  Hence, according to

	your definition, she'd still be a

	virgin.



			HOLDEN

	Okay, I'll revise.  Virginity is lost

	when the hymen is broken.



			ALYSSA

	Then I lost my virginity at ten,

	because I fell on a fence post when I

	was ten, and it broke my hymen.  Now I

	have to tell people that I lost it to

	a wooden post I'd known my whole young

	life?



			HOLDEN

	Second revision - virginity is lost

	through penetration.



			ALYSSA

	Physical penetration or emotional?



			HOLDEN

	Emotional?



			ALYSSA

	Well, I fell in love hard with Caitlin

	Bree when we were in high school.



			HOLDEN

	Physical penetration.



			ALYSSA

	We had sex.



			HOLDEN

	Yeah, but not real sex.



			ALYSSA

	I move to have that remark stricken

	from the record.  On account of it

	makes you come off as completely naive

	and infantile.



			HOLDEN

	Well where's the penetration in

	lesbian sex.



Alyssa holds up her hand.



			HOLDEN

	A finger?  Come on.  I've had my

	finger in my ass but I wouldn't say

	I've had anal sex.



			ALYSSA

	Did I hold up a finger?

		(waves her hand)



			HOLDEN

		(beat; then he gets it)

	You're kidding?!?!

		(she nods)

	How...?!?



			ALYSSA

	Our bodies are built to pass a child,

	for Christ's sake.



			HOLDEN

	But doesn't it hurt?!



			ALYSSA

	Sure.  But in a good way.  And it's

	only a once-in-awhile thing - reserved

	for really special occasions.



			HOLDEN

	What about not-so-special occasions?



			ALYSSA

	Tongue only.



			HOLDEN

	But how can that be enough?  I mean,

	let's be real - how big can a tongue

	even get?



Alyssa swallows what she's chewing and releases her

tongue, which is just huge.  Holden is transfixed.

Alyssa wraps it back up and smiles, standing.



			ALYSSA

	Let's go.



She exits. Holden remains in the swing.  Alyssa comes

back in.



			ALYSSA

	Come on.



			HOLDEN

	Just...uh... just give me a moment.







INT AIRPORT - DAY



Holden enters. Banky tries to balance way-too-much

luggage.



			HOLDEN

	Look at you.  It's a two day trip.



			BANKY

	I got the Sega in one bag, my clothes

	in the other, and two months worth of

	unread comics in this one.



			HOLDEN

	We're going to a convention, for the

	love of God.  We'll be busy from ten

	'till eight each day.

	When are you possibly going to have

	time for any of that shit?  In fact,

	fuck it - you're leaving some of this

	shit here in a locker.  Come on - give

	me the two that aren't clothes.



			BANKY

	Hold on.

		(starts rifling through one

		bag)



			HOLDEN

	What are you doing?



			BANKY

	I just have to get something.

		(pulls out a huge stack of

		porno books)



			HOLDEN

	Who are you, Larry fucking Flynt?

	What are you going to do with all of

	those?



			BANKY

	Read the articles.  What do you think

	I'm going to do with them?  They're

	stroke books.



			HOLDEN

	You've got like thirty books there!

	We're only there for two days!



			BANKY

		(leafing through mags)

	Variety's the spice of life.  I like a

	wide selection.  Sometimes I'm in the

	mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I

	like them arty and air-brushed.  Some

	times it's a spread brown-eye kind of

	night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl

	time.  Sometimes a steamy letter will

	do it, sometimes - not often, but

	sometimes - I like the idea of a chick

	with a horse.



A beeping sound is heard.  Holden checks his beeper.



			HOLDEN

	Go check us in.  I've gotta call

	Alyssa.



			BANKY

	His master's voice.



			HOLDEN

	Put that stuff away.



Holden exits.  Banky starts packing his mags up.  A

little KID enters, staring at him.



			KID

	What are those?



			BANKY

		(looks at kid then books)

	Do you Like horsies?



Holden finishes dialing the phone.  Cross cut between him

and Alyssa at home.



			ALYSSA

	I hope for the sake of the women

	you've dated that you're only this

	quick in returning calls.



			HOLDEN

	What's up?  I'm about to get on a

	plane.



			ALYSSA

	Ohhh.  Why!



			HOLDEN

	Last minute invite to the Dragon Con'.



			ALYSSA

	Shit.



			HOLDEN

	What?



			ALYSSA

	My sister's at my parents'.  I was

	gonna go see her.



			HOLDEN

	The one that wrote the book?



			ALYSSA

	Yeah.  But I was staying all weekend,

	and I wanted to hang our with you.

	This sucks.



			HOLDEN

	You didn't get invited to the Con'?



			ALYSSA

	I don't do southern con's - all the

	chicks have that annoying drawl.  You

	know how hard it is nor to laugh when

	someone moans "Fuhhk me"?



			HOLDEN

	Well this sucks.

		(thinks)

	You know - both of us don't have to

	go.



			ALYSSA

	Really?



			HOLDEN

	Yeah.  Banky can go by himself.  It's

	not like we're on a panel.  It was

	just a signing appearance.



			ALYSSA

	If you come pick me up, I'll be your

	best friend.



			HOLDEN

		(beat)

	Where's your apartment?



			ALYSSA

	I'm not there.  I'm at a friend's - in

	the Village.  Corner of Houston and

	Mercer.  Number eighty six, apartment

	6-D.



			HOLDEN

	I'll be there in half an hour.



			ALYSSA

	You're so easy.



They hang up.  Holden reacts to something OC and exits

quickly.



C11. Banky points to pictures in the book.  The kid looks

on.



			BANKY

	...And then Black Beauty couldn't take

	it any longer, and he finally did some

	of his own mounting.



			KID

		(off book)

	Wow.



Holden grabs Banky's arm and drags him away.



			HOLDEN

	What are you doing?



			BANKY

		(waving to kid)

	I think I want kids of my own one day.

	They're fun.



			HOLDEN

	Listen to me - I'm not going.  You're

	going to have to do this one by

	yourself.



			BANKY

	What?  Why?



			HOLDEN

	Alyssa's coming down for the weekend,

	so I want to hang out with her.  You

	don't need me for this.

		(taking his excess baggage)

	Meantime,  I'll take this stuff home.

	You can keep the filth.  I'll pick you

	up at nine Sunday night, alright?

	Don't forget to plug the Annual and

	don't mention the t.v. show, okay?

	Call me if you get bored.



And he's gone.  Banky stands there, open-mouthed.  A

check-in FLIGHT ATTENDANT comes up to him.  His name-tag

reads 'Frank'.



			FLIGHT ATTENDANT

	Checking in, sir!



			BANKY

		(still watching Holden go)

	Hunhh!

		(looks at F.A.)

	Yeah.  But this is carry-on.



			F.A.

	Federal aviation security law requires

	me to ask if you've been given any

	strange gifts or parcels to carry-on

	since arriving at the airport today.



			BANKY

		(thinks)

	Not this trip.  But one time, when I

	was using curb side check-in, this sky-

	cap gave me a cock ring and a set of

	anal ben-wa balls.  I always thought

	that was pretty strange.  He said his

	name was Frank.

		(looks closely at him)

	Hey!  You're name's Frank!



Banky storms away.  The Flight Attendant watches him go.



			F.A.

	Fucking kids.







EXT APARTMENT 6-D - DAY



Holden knocks at the door.  It opens.  A WOMAN is

standing in the doorway in her bra She looks Holden up

and down and smirks.



			WOMAN

	Let me guess - 'the right man'?



			HOLDEN

	Excuse me?



			WOMAN

	You've got it in your head that

	Alyssa's not really into chicks - that

	she just hasn't met the right man.

	And you believe you're it.  You're

	going to treat her right, fuck her

	like a stud, and 'straight-jacket' her

	back from the land of the lost.  And

	the sad truth is that you'll

	accomplish none of that and wind up as

	either an even more bitter misogynist

	or a reverse fag-hag.



Holden's at a loss.  Alyssa slips past the Woman,

carrying an overnight bag.



			ALYSSA

	Don't mind her.  That's just her way a

	saying hello.



			WOMAN

	Actually, it's just my way of saying

	"Give it up."



			ALYSSA

		(to Woman)

	You're such an asshole.



			WOMAN

	When you file the date-rape charges,

	don't say I didn't warn you.



			HOLDEN

		(holding out hand)

	I'm Holden, by the way.



			WOMAN

	I'm the voice of reason that Miss

	Bitch is having such a hard time

	listening to.



			HOLDEN

	Look, we're just friends.



			WOMAN

	That's what every guy says before he

	tries purring your hand on his dick.



			HOLDEN

	And how do you know men so well?



			WOMAN

	Because I lapdance for a living, dick-

	head.



She slams the door. Holden looks to Alyssa.



			ALYSSA

	Ohhh - you look so cute!



She heads down the stairs.



			HOLDEN

	Who was that?



			ALYSSA

	Just an occasional friend.



			HOLDEN

	Why would you want to hang our with

	someone bitter as that?



			ALYSSA

		(stops)

	Remember this!

		(sticks out huge tongue)

	Her's is even bigger than that.



She smiles and continues on.  Holden looks back up at the

door.  He sticks his own tongue our and sizes it with his

fingers.







EXT TURNPIKE - DAY



The car sits in traffic.







INT CAR - DAY



Holden sighs.  Alyssa plays with the radio.



			ALYSSA

	You were raised Catholic, right?



			HOLDEN

	Yeah.  You?



			ALYSSA

	Baptist.



			HOLDEN

	Really?  Did you have a strict

	upbringing?



			ALYSSA

	Please There was no time to be bad -

	we were too busy saying 'Jesus'.



			HOLDEN

	You think your upbringing had

	something to do with your lifestyle

	choice?



			ALYSSA

	Somewhere along the line.  It's a

	gradual transition to make - from

	doing what the majority does to taking

	a leap of faith and doing what feels

	more natural.  Everything helps - from

	the way you were handled as a kid, to

	the way the boys acted in third grade,

	to the shoes you wore at your freshman

	prom.



			HOLDEN

	Shoes?



			ALYSSA

	Well they were really tight.







HANGING OUT MONTAGE BEGINS



With the requisite music, over which we hear a

conversation between Holden and Alyssa.



1) Holden and Alyssa sit in the DINER eating.  Holden's

talking.  The Waitress walks past and drops her pad.  She

bends over, to pick it up, hiking her mini-skirt up in

the process.  Alyssa stares at her ass.  Holden stops

talking and stares at her.  Alyssa looks over at him and

offers a caught smile.



2) Holden pushes a shopping cart at the FOOD STORE,

throwing various things into the basket.  Alyssa comes up

with a box of Tampons and throws them in.  Holden glances

at them, a bit flushed.  Alyssa catches him, picks up the

box, and pulls one out.  She proceeds to demonstrate

their usage, throwing one leg on the can and miming

insertion.  Holden puts up his hands in the "I know, I

know," fashion.



3) In the Studio, Holden displays some of his artwork to

Alyssa, during which she pulls out a cigarette and goes

to light it.  It's a child-proof lighter, so she's having

trouble.  Holden grows a little frustrated.  Finally, he

grabs the lighter and pulls the child proof tab out with

his teeth.  Alyssa stares at him a bit taken aback.

Holden spits the tab out, and lights Alyssa's smoke.  He

then continues with his display.



4) Holden and Alyssa at the COMIC BOOK STORE.  Steve-Dave

and the Fan-Boy eye them suspiciously.  Alyssa pays for a

comic.  Steve-Dave glowers at Holden.  He gives Alyssa

her change and they exit.  Steve-Dave goes back to his

card game with the Fan-Boy.  Suddenly, a garbage can

comes crashing through their window.  Steve-Dave rips a

check off the garbage can and punches the counter.  The

Fan-Boy rubs his back soothingly,



5) Holden and Alyssa walk through a PARKING LOT, talking.

She takes his hand and pulls his arm around her shoulder.

Holden smiles to himself.



			HOLDEN V.O.

	Let me ask you something - we get

	along, right?



			ALYSSA V.O.

	Famously.



			HOLDEN V.O.

	We have a definite chemistry?



			ALYSSA V.O.

	So it would seem.



			HOLDEN V.O.

	But we're both into girls.



			ALYSSA V.O.

	I'm into women.



			HOLDEN V.O.

	But you weren't always gay.



			ALYSSA V.O.

	When I was nine I had a crush on Scott

	Baio.



			HOLDEN V.O.

	So If we'd met a long time ago, say in

	high school...



			ALYSSA V.O.

	...I'd still be muff-diving, yes.



			HOLDEN V.O.

	Thought so.







INT STUDIO - DAY



Holden and Banky play EA Sports Hockey on Sega.  There's

a knock at the door.



			HOLDEN

	Come in.



Alyssa enters and stands besides them, smiling at their

game.



			ALYSSA

	I read somewhere that guys who play

	hockey are merely making up for penile

	deficiencies by carrying big sticks.



			BANKY

	I thought you lived in the city?  This

	is like the umpteenth time I've seen

	you here.  Isn't that grounds enough

	for the little pink mafia to throw you

	out of their club?



			HOLDEN

		(hits Banky; to Alyssa)

	I'll be ready in a second.

	I just have to school this mouthy

	second-stringer.



			BANKY

	Bitch, you're schooling no one.



They play.  Cut back and forth between the game and

Banky, Holden, and Alyssa.



			HOLDEN

		(off game)

	What?  Do something!



			BANKY

		(off game)

	You fucking cock-teaser.  I'll knock

	your fucking teeth out and pass all

	over your ass.



			HOLDEN

	Look at how slow you are.  Christ, you

	move like a geriatric.



			BANKY

		(screaming at screen)

	Fuck!  You Fucking cock-sucker, man!

	These faggots won't do what I tell

	them to!



			HOLDEN

	Oh. It's the controller, right?  It's

	always the controller.



			BANKY

	No, it's these... fucking queers on

	blades that can't accept a fucking

	pass to save their lives!  What period

	is this?



			HOLDEN

	Final sixty of the third.



			BANKY

	Fuck!  Look at your fucking guys,

	they... FUCK!!!

		(whips controller)

	FUCKING COCK SUCKER, MAN!  I SWEAR TO

	GOD!



Banky storms away.  Alyssa looks at Holden,



			HOLDEN

	Imagine if I'd only beaten him by one

	instead of thirty.







INT SKEE-BALL ARCADE - DAY



Holden feeds a couple dollars into the change machine.

Alyssa looks on.



			ALYSSA

	Explain this again.



			HOLDEN

	How could you have grown up down the

	shore and never played skee-ball?

	What did you do with your youth?



They head toward the skee-ball runs.



			ALYSSA

	Stayed out late, smoked pot, screwed

	around.



			HOLDEN

	Not your grade school years; your high

	school years.



			ALYSSA

		(off skee-ball run)

	This looks complicated.



			HOLDEN

		(Inserts coin and pulls

		lever)

	The premise is very basic - you roll

	the ball up the ramp at varying

	speeds, in an effort to pop it into

	the score circles.  The higher the

	score, the more prize tickets you get.



			ALYSSA

	What do you do with the prize tickets?



			HOLDEN

	Trade them in for prizes that aren't

	worth nearly as much as you paid to

	play the game.



			ALYSSA

	Then what's the point?



			HOLDEN

	It's fun.



			ALYSSA

	And you question my lifestyle.



			HOLDEN

	Observe.



Holden rolls the ball.  It pops into a twenty point

circle.



			HOLDEN

	See?  It's just that simple.



			ALYSSA

	Why not just walk up there and put it

	in the fifty every time?



			HOLDEN

	Where's the skill in that?



			ALYSSA

	Oh, this is a skill?  I'm sorry, I had

	no idea.



			HOLDEN

	Just toss one.



Alyssa picks up a ball, squints to aim, and whips it

overhand.  It pops off one of the circles and shoots back

at them, missing them as they duck.  An OC knock and an

"OW!" is heard.  Holden reacts as Alyssa laughs.



			HOLDEN

		(to OC guy)

	I'm sorry, man.  She's new at this.



Holden ducks as the ball comes sailing back at his head.

He gets up.



			HOLDEN

		(to OC)

	Thank you.

		(hands Alyssa another ball)

	Underhand.  Throw it underhand.



			ALYSSA

	This is where you take straight chicks

	on dates?



			HOLDEN

	It's like Spanish Fly.  This'll

	probably be the first time I don't

	score afterwards.



			ALYSSA

	I don't know.  I'm starting to get a

	tingle in my bottom.

		(tosses a ball)

	Ten.



			HOLDEN

		(grabs a ball)

	So what'd you do last night?

		(prepares to throw)



			ALYSSA

	Got laid



Holden whips the ball in surprise.  It ricochets off the

ceiling and through the glass of an old pinball machine.

Alyssa laughs.  Holden looks around, nervously.



			ALYSSA

	Some more of that skill you were

	telling me about?



			HOLDEN

	Maybe we should just leave before

	somebody gets hurt.



			ALYSSA

	No way.  I want a cheap prize.

		(throws a ball)

	So your friend's quite the homophobe.



			HOLDEN

	He just feels left out, I think.



			ALYSSA

	I'm not talking about his infantile

	hang-up with me.  I'm talking about

	when you two were playing that game.

	Everytime he swore - when his players

	messed up, he called them cocksuckers,

	he referred to the players as queers,

	he called you a cock-teaser...



			HOLDEN

	I thought he was talking to you.



			ALYSSA

	I know you think it means nothing, and

	it may in fact be unintentional, but

	it's ugly all the same.



			HOLDEN

	He was just pissed he was losing.



			ALYSSA

	So he slams the gay community?



			HOLDEN

	C'mon.  Don't get all p.c. on me.



			ALYSSA

	I'm not.  But what is that saying?



			HOLDEN

	It says he gets too easily frustrated.



			ALYSSA

	It's passive/agressive gay-bashing.



			HOLDEN

	How do you figure?



			ALYSSA

	How casually did it roll off his

	tongue?  And that's how he expresses

	his anger?  By calling people faggots?



			HOLDEN

	I think you're reading too much into

	it.



			ALYSSA

	I think you're just so used to it that

	it rolls off your back.  I've heard

	the two of you play your little rank

	out game where one insists the other

	is gay.

		(as the boys)

	"You're a faggot.  No, you're a

	faggot."  It's cute and all to watch

	you go at it like grade-schooler, but

	it's also offensive - labeling and

	ducking the label of being gay as if

	it were the scarlet fucking letter.



			HOLDEN

	You're blowing this way out of

	proportion.  We live in a more

	tolerant age now.  You refer to

	yourself as a dyke.  Hooper calls

	himself a faggot all the time...



			ALYSSA

	Yeah, but that's what's known as

	empowerment/disempowerment.  I call

	myself a dyke so it's not too

	devastating when some throwback

	screams it at me as I'm leaving a bar

	at night.

	Same for Hooper - by calling himself a

	faggot, he steals the thunder away

	from the mouthy jerks of this world

	who'd like to beat him to it.  But the

	difference between us having it and

	your friend saying it is miles wide.

	We say it to mask the pain - you say

	it for lack of a better expression at

	any given moment.  No Holden, we do

	not live in a more tolerant age.  And

	if you think that's the case, then

	you've been in the suburbs way too

	long to be resuscitated.



Holden kind of sulks.  Alyssa notices.



			ALYSSA

	But you know what?

		(picks up his face)

	I have more faith in you than that.

		(rips her tickets off)

	Come on - I want my cheap prize.







INT STUDIO - NIGHT



Holden enters.  Banky's still playing Sega.  Holden sits

next to him.



			HOLDEN

		(off screen)

	How bad do you suck!



			BANKY

	How was your pseudo-date?



			HOLDEN

	Leave it alone.



			BANKY

	That chick bugs me.



			HOLDEN

		(rubs his head; in baby-talk)

	Aww.  Everyone bugs you.



			BANKY

	Get off.

		(off game)

	Fucking faggot!  Did you see that?!

	Your dyke courting ass just got me

	scored on!



			HOLDEN

		(beat)

	You know, you should watch that.  If

	you're going to get all bent out of

	shape while playing the game, so much

	so that you need to curse the t.v.,

	try not to gay-bash it, alright.

	You're nor that kind of guy.

		(gets up)

	And don't call her a dyke, alright?

	She's a lesbian.



Holden goes to his drawing table and takes off his coat.

Banky sits there, shocked.  He puts the controller down

and crosses to the drawing table.



			BANKY

	What the fuck is going on here?



			HOLDEN

		(pulling out pencil)

	I'm starting a new page.



			BANKY

		(smacking pencil away)

	Not with this shit!  With you.  What

	the fuck is going on with you and that

	girl?



			HOLDEN

	We're friends.



			BANKY

	She's programming you.



			HOLDEN

	I beg your pardon?  Programming?



			BANKY

	Yeah.  And apparently, you don't even

	realize it.  What does it matter if I

	refer to her as a dyke, or if I call

	the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the

	privacy of my own office, far from the

	sensitive ears of the rest of the

	world?



			HOLDEN

	It's passive/aggressive gay-bashing;

	and I know you're not really

	prejudiced at heart.  You should just

	find some other way to express your

	anger, is all I'm saying.



Holden starts drawing.  Banky stares at him.  Then he

grabs the pencil out of Holden's hand and shoves him to

the side.  He starts drawing something.



			HOLDEN

	What the fuck are you doing!



			BANKY

	Bear with me here.  I just want to put

	you through this little exercise.

		(drawing feverishly)

	Okay, now see this?  This is a four

	way road, okay?



Banky draws a four-way stop.  He illustrates according to

his voice-over.



			BANKY V.O.

	And dead in the center, is a crisp,

	new, hundred dollar bill.  Now at the

	end of each of the streets, are four

	people, okay?  You following?  Up

	here, we got a male-affectionate, easy-

	to-get-along-with, no political agenda

	lesbian.  Okay?  Now down here, we

	have a man-hating, angry-as-fuck,

	agenda-of-rage, bitter dyke.  To this

	side, we got Santa Claus, right?  And

	over to this side - the Easter Bunny.



Banky finishes drawing.  Holden's shaking his head



			BANKY

	Which one's going to get to the

	hundred dollar bill first?



			HOLDEN

	What is this supposed to prove?



			BANKY

	I'm serious.  This is a serious

	exercise.  It's like an S.A.T.

	question.  Which one's going to get to

	the hundred dollar bill first - the

	male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating

	dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter

	Bunny?



			HOLDEN

		(beat; then pissed)

	The man-hating dyke.



			BANKY

	Good.  Why?



			HOLDEN

	I don't know.



			BANKY

		(wildly crossing out the

		other three)

	BECAUSE THESE OTHER THREE ARE FIGMENTS

	OF YOUR FUCKING IMAGINATION!



Holden storms away.  Banky follows.



			HOLDEN

	I don't need this.  I'm going home.



			BANKY

	She's fucking with your mind, man!

	She knows you've got this schoolboy

	crush and she's using it to sway your

	way of thinking!



			HOLDEN

	And why would she need to do that?

	What is she Mata fucking Hari?!  What

	does she gain?



			BANKY

	Maybe she thinks you'll get her comic

	picked up by Contender.  Or maybe she

	thinks you'll change the content of

	our book to something more political

	and message oriented.  Or, gee - I

	don't know - maybe because that's just

	what dykes like to do: fuck around

	with straight guys' heads, just so she

	can go back to her little rug-muncher

	club and have a good laugh with all

	her man-hating harpy cronies about how

	fucking stupid and easily duped men

	are!



			HOLDEN

	You're so out of line right now..,



			BANKY

	You don't even know this girl!  Big

	deal, she's from Middletown and she

	went to North!  All the girls at North

	were bitches and sluts anyway!  And

	this one's got them beat by a mile

	because she's a bitch/slut/dyke!



			HOLDEN

	Watch your fucking mouth, is all I'm

	going to tell you..



			BANKY

	Oh why?  Do you get my back when she

	bashes me?  Because I know she does.

	And do you know why she does?  Because

	I won't play her fucking game!



			HOLDEN

	Sometimes your paranoia and suspicious

	bullshit is amusing.  Sometimes it's

	just fucking annoying as piss!



			BANKY

	What is it about this girl?  You know

	you have no shot at getting her into

	bed!  Why do you bother wasting time

	with her?  Because you're Holden

	fucking McNeil - most persistent

	traveller on the road that's not the

	path of least resistance!

	Everything's gotta be a fucking

	challenge for you, and this little

	relationship with that bitch is a

	prime example of your fucking

	condition.  Well I don't need a

	fucking magic eight ball to look into

	your future; you want a forecast?

	Here - will Holden ever fuck Alyssa.

		(shakes and looks at

		imaginary ball)

	What a shock - "Not fucking likely"!

	This relationship of  your's is

	affecting you, our work and our

	friendship, and the time's going to

	come when I throw down the gauntlet

	and say it's me or her!  And then

	what're you going to say?!



			HOLDEN

		(beat)

	I think you should let this one go.



			BANKY

	No, what would you say?  Would you

	trash twenty years of friendship

	because you've got some idiotic notion

	that this chick would even let you

	sniff her panties, let alone fuck

	her?!



			HOLDEN

	Let it go...



			BANKY

	What the fuck.. WHAT THE FUCK MAKES

	THIS BITCH ALL THAT IMPORTANT?!?!

Holden looks at Banky for a long beat.



			HOLDEN

	I'm in love with her, man.



Banky stares at him.  Holden stares back.  Banky looks

into Holden's eyes.  Suddenly, he softens a bit.  He

drops his head.



			BANKY

	Fuck.



Banky walks away.  Holden watches him go and exits.







INT DINER - NIGHT



Holden and Alyssa sit at a booth.  Alyssa picks through

her food.  Holden looks at the check and pulls money from

his wallet.



			HOLDEN

	I wish you were the one being pursued

	by M-TV.



			ALYSSA

	Oh really?



			HOLDEN

	Sure.  Then you could sell our and

	maybe pick up the check once in

	awhile.



			ALYSSA

		(drops her fork and wipes her

		hands)

	We're leaving!



			HOLDEN

	Well it's not like this is a bed and

	breakfast,



			ALYSSA

	I've got a little business to conduct.



She grabs her bag and slides out of the booth.  Holden

watches her, then follows.



A23. Alyssa slides up to the cashier's desk as does

Holden, who offers a puzzled shrug.  Alyssa offers the

'just wait' finger.  The CASHIER turns to her.



			ALYSSA

	Are you an authorized deal-maker in

	this establishment?  Do you have the

	power to negotiate.



			CASHIER

	You wanna haggle over the price of

	your French Dip?



			ALYSSA

	I want to haggle over the price of

	fine art.



			CASHIER

	What do you mean?



			ALYSSA

		(pointing OC)

	There.  By the kitchen.  That

	painting.



			CASHIER

	What about it?



			ALYSSA

	The price tag says seventy five.



			CASHIER

	So!



			HOLDEN

		(to Alyssa)

	Tell me you're kidding!



			ALYSSA

	I'll give you fifty.



			CASHIER

		(to OC)

	Manuel!  Bring, me the Dyksiezski off

	the wall.

		(to Alyssa)

	All my years in the diner business,

	I've waited for this day - the day

	when someone wanted to buy one of the

	pictures.



			ALYSSA

		(holds out hand)

	Alyssa Jones.  Pleased to meet you.



			CASHIER

	You say you want to haggle, but you

	don't know rule one about haggling,

	which you just broke: you never give

	your name.  The name is power, and to

	give the opponent that piece of you is

	to give away victory.



			ALYSSA

	I'm only trying to conduct a

	transaction.  We're not opponents.



			CASHIER

		(accepting painting from

		BUSBOY)

	Oh, but we are - if you think I'm

	letting this beautiful piece go for

	fifty.



			ALYSSA

	Ah-ha!

		(to Holden)

	Now we're haggling.







24.    INT CAR - NIGHT									24.



It's drizzling outside.  Holden drives.  Alyssa hugs her

painting and pushes her bare feet against the windshield,

making footprints.



			HOLDEN

	I've always wondered what kind of

	people buy those things.  I can't

	believe you talked him down to twenty

	five!



			ALYSSA

	It was looking shakey when he told me

	the artist was a blind cripple with a

	hump-back, but I held my ground.

	There's no room for sympathy in the

	buyer's market.



			HOLDEN

	Where are you going to hang it?



			ALYSSA

	I'm not.  You are.



			HOLDEN

	You want me to hang it for you?  You

	better hope it doesn't get out to the

	girl-nation that you needed a man to

	help you hang a picture.



			ALYSSA

	You're going to hang it in your house.

	I bought it for you.



			HOLDEN

		(laughs)

	Yeah, right.



			ALYSSA

		(looks at him)

	I'm serious.



Holden stares at her.



			HOLDEN

	Why?



			ALYSSA

	Because it's captured the moment.

	It'll be a constant reminder - not

	just of tonight, but of our

	introduction, the building of our

	friendship, everything.  Make no

	mistake about it my Friend - it's a

	gift to you, from me, so you'll always

	remember us.



Holden stares ahead.  Then he swerves the wheel to the

right.







EXT ROADSIDE - NIGHT



The car pulls to the side of the road.  The rain is a bit

heavier now.







INT CAR - NIGHT



Holden throws the car into park



			ALYSSA

	Why are we stopping?



			HOLDEN

	Because I can't take it.



			ALYSSA

	Can't take what?



			HOLDEN

	I love you.



			ALYSSA

		(beat)

	You love me.



			HOLDEN

	I love you.  And not in a friendly

	way, although I think we're great

	friends.  And not in a misplaced

	affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm

	sure that's what you'll call it.  And

	it's not because you're unattainable.

	I love you.  Very simple, very truly.

	You're the epitome of every attribute

	and quality I've ever looked for in

	another person.  I know you think of

	me as just a friend and crossing that

	line is the furthest thing from an

	option you'd ever consider.  But I

	can't do this any longer.  I can't

	stand next to you without wanting to

	hold you.  I can't look into your eyes

	without feeling that longing you only

	read about in trashy romance novels.

	I can't talk to you without wanting to

	express my love for everything you

	are.  I know this will probably queer

	our friendship - no pun intended - but

	I had to say it, because I've never

	felt this before, and I like who I am

	because of it.  And if bringing it to

	light means we can't hang out anymore,

	then that hurts me.  But I couldn't

	allow another 	day to go by without

	getting it out there, regardless of

	the outcome, which by the look on your

	face is to be the inevitable shoot-

	down.  And I'll accept that But I know

	some part of you is hesitating for a

	moment, and if there is a moment of

	hesitation, that means you feel

	something too.  All I ask is that you

	not suppress that - at least for ten

	minutes - and try to dwell in it

	before you dismiss it.

	There isn't another soul on this

	fucking planet who's ever made me the

	person I am when I'm with you, and I

	would risk this friendship for the

	chance to take it to the next plateau.

	Because it's there between you and me.

	You can't deny that.  And even if we

	never speak again after tonight,

	please know that I'm forever changed

	because of you and what you've meant

	to me, which - while I do appreciate

	it - I'd never need a painting of

	birds bought at a diner to remind me

	of.



Holden stares at Alyssa.  She stares back.  Then she gets

out of the car.



			HOLDEN

	Was it something I said?







EXT ROADSIDE - NIGHT



Holden gets out of the car.  It's raining pretty hard

now.  Alyssa's hitching up the road.  Holden reaches her.



			HOLDEN

	What are you doing?



			ALYSSA

	Get back in the car and get out of

	here.



			HOLDEN

	You're going to hitch to New York?



			ALYSSA

	Y'ep.



			HOLDEN

	Aren't you at least going to comment?



			ALYSSA

	Here's my comment fuck you.



			HOLDEN

	Why?



			ALYSSA

	That was so unfair.  You know how

	unfair that was.



			HOLDEN

	It's unfair that I'm in love with you?



			ALYSSA

	No, it's unfortunate that you're in

	love with me.  It's  unfair that you

	felt the fucking need to unburden your

	soul about it.  Do you remember for a

	fucking second who I am?



			HOLDEN

	So?  People change.



			ALYSSA

	Oh, it's that simple?  You fall in

	love with me and want a romantic

	relationship, nothing changes for you

	with the exception of feeling hunky-

	dorey all the time.  But what about-

	me?  It's not that simple, is it?  I

	can't just get into a relationship

	with you without throwing my whole

	fucking world into upheaval!



			HOLDEN

	But that's every relationship!

	There's always going to be a period of

	adjustment.



			ALYSSA

	Period of adjustment?!?

		(hitting him)

	THERE'S NO 'PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT'

	HOLDEN!  I'M FUCKING GAY!  THAT'S WHO

	I AM!  AND YOU ASSUME I CAN TURN THAT

	AROUND JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT A

	CRUSH?!?



			HOLDEN

	If this is a crush... then I don't

	know if I could take the real thing if

	it ever happens.



She looks at him, rain drenching the pair.  She shakes

her head ruefully.



			ALYSSA

	Go home, Holden.



She walks away.  Holden stands there, at a loss.  Then he

turns and heads back to his car.

As he reaches the door and turns to look back at her,

Alyssa pounces on him, grabs his face and locks lips with

him, big time.  He drops his keys and embraces her.



And there they stand, by the side of the road, drenched

kissing.







EXT STUDIO - DAY



Banky carries a bag in one arm and pulls out his keys

with the other.  He jams them into the lock, opening the

door.  He picks up the mail on the floor.







INT STUDIO - DAY



He closes the door behind him and shuffles to the

kitchenette, passing by the blanket-covered, slumbering

forms of Holden and Alyssa, who are out cold in each

other's arms.  The place looks a mess - Like a couple of

people were engaged in some tremendous fucking.  Banky is

oblivious.  He sets the bag down on the counter and pulls

out a chocolate milk.  He opens it, sticks a straw into

the top, and begins sipping and sifting through the mail.

He comes to mail that's Holden's and tosses it onto the

couch, near Holden's head.  He looks down at the sleeping

couple, then back at the mail for a couple of beats.

Then he freezes.  He looks down again, and drops his jaw

and his carton of choco.  It hits the floor with a pop.

Holden and Alyssa shoot straight up, eyes struggling to

focus.  They look at one another, then at the

flabbergasted Banky.  Banky blinks.  Then he shuffles

toward the door again and lets himself out.



			ALYSSA

		(off Holden's reaction)

	I take it that's not good.



			HOLDEN

		(getting up)

	Stay here.

		(he kisses her and exits)







EXT STREET - DAY



Banky sits on a curb, staring into the distance, Holden

saunters up and sits beside him.  He follows Banky's

gaze.



			BANKY

	Catholic school girls.



Across the street, the Catholic High School is letting

out.  Teenage girls clad in uniforms and tight sweaters

smoke, frolic, wait for their bus.



			BANKY

	The uniform is what does it for me.  I

	wish I'd have went with more Catholic

	school girls when I was a kid.  As it

	stands.  I have no "...and then she

	unzipped her jumper..." stories.



			HOLDEN

	You looked weirded out back there.



			BANKY

	That's my couch you were fucking on.



			HOLDEN

	Sorry.



			BANKY

	I wanted to watch some TV.  Hard to do

	when your best friend's wrapped around

	a naked rug-muncher on your couch.



			HOLDEN

	She had boxers on.



Banky shoots him a glare.  He goes back to staring at the

OC girls.



			BANKY

	This is all going to end badly.



			HOLDEN

	You don't know that.



			BANKY

	I know you.  You're way too

	conservative for that girl.  She's

	been around and seen things we've only

	read about in books.



			HOLDEN

	But we have read about them.  So we're

	prepared.



			BANKY

	There's no 'we' here.  You're going to

	have to go through this alone.  And

	it's one thing to read about shit, and

	something different when you're forced

	to deal with it on a regular basis.

	When you guys are walking in the mall

	and both your heads turn at a really

	nice looking chick, it's going to eat

	you up inside.  You'll spend most of

	your time wondering when the other

	shoe's going to drop.  Because for

	you, this isn't about cool weird sex

	stuff, it's about love.



			HOLDEN

	Maybe it is for her as well.



			BANKY

	Somehow I doubt it.



			HOLDEN

	Everyone's not out to get someone in

	life.  Bank.



			BANKY

	Everybody has an agenda.  Everyone.



			HOLDEN

	Yourself?



			BANKY

	My agenda is to watch your back.



			HOLDEN

	To what end?



			BANKY

	To insure that all this time we've

	spent together, building something,

	wasn't wasted.



			HOLDEN

	She's not going to ruin the comic.



			BANKY

	I wasn't talking about the comic.

		(gets up)

	I'm going to gel a bagel.  Clean off

	my fucking couch so I can watch TV.



Banky walks away.  Holden shakes his head.







INT ALYSSA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT



An all-girl gathering. TORY. NICA, DALIA and JANE help

Alyssa finish an issue of 'Idiosyncratic Routine'.  Tory

letters a page.  Nica and Dalia lay-out the artwork.

Dalia drinks wine.  Alyssa paints the cover.



			DALIA

	From what I understand, when you sign

	with a publisher, someone else does

	all this work for you, and you just

	sit back and collect.



			ALYSSA

	And miss these last minute cram

	sessions with my nearest and dearest?

	Never.



			TORY

	I don't know what she's bitching

	about.  All she's done since we got

	here is pound Merlot.



			DALIA

	I'm sorry weren't you the one who

	misspelled 'receipt' on page eighteen?

	Yeah, you're a real help.



			NICA

	What I'd like to know is why we're

	here at all when we haven't seen

	Princess funny-Book in a month.



			JANE

	Yeah Alyssa - who've you been shacking

	up with?



			ALYSSA

	'Shacking up!' Please.

		(stops painting; smiles wide)

	I'm so in love!



Everyone aww's.  Alyssa buries her face, giggling.



			ALYSSA

	I know.  I know -I feel like such a

	goon.  But I can't help it - we have

	such a great time together.



			DALIA

	Who is it?  Don't even tell me it's

	Ms. Thing from the C.D. place.  I'll

	kill you.



			ALYSSA

	It's not her.  It's someone you guys

	don't know.



			NICA

	That chick you left the restaurant

	with that night?



			ALYSSA

	They're not.  From around here.



			TORY

	Don't even tell me you met her down

	the shore!



			JANE

	Eww!  Not a bridge-and-tunnel Jersey

	dyke!



			TORY

	With huge hair and acid-washed jeans!



They all cackle.  Alyssa tries to laugh with them.



			DALIA

	Come on, Alyss - Hoboken Hussy or

	what?



			ALYSSA

	For your information, they don't have

	big hair or wear acid wash.

		(goes back to painting)

	They're from my home town.



Dalia stares at Alyssa, suspiciously.



			DALIA

	Why are you playing the pronoun game?



			ALYSSA

	What?  What are you talking about?

	I'm not even.



			DALIA

	You are. "I met someone."  "We have a

	great time.  "They're from my home

	town."  Doesn't this tube of

	wonderful have a name!



			ALYSSA

		(beat)

	Holden.



All four Girls stare at Alyssa, a bit horrified.  She

stops painting.



			JANE

	Oh, Alyssa - no.  Not you.



			TORY

	You're dating a guy?



			ALYSSA

	He's not like a typical man.  He's

	really sweet to me, and we relate so

	well.  You guys'd love him, really.



They stare at Alyssa.  Then Dalia gets up.



			DALIA

	I've gotta go to the store.



			JANE

	I'll go with.



They exit.  Alyssa looks to Tory and Nica.



			TORY

		(pouring wine)

	Whelp - here's to both of you.

		(moves the glass to her lips)

	Another one bites the dust.







INT HOLDEN'S BEDROOM -NIGHT



Holden and Alyssa lie in each other's arms, moonlight

bathing them.  She smokes.



			HOLDEN

	Can I ask you something?



			ALYSSA

	Don't even tell me you want to do it

	again.



			HOLDEN

	Why me - you know?  Why now?



			ALYSSA

	Because you were giving me that look,

	and I got wet...



			HOLDEN

	You know what I'm talking about.



			ALYSSA

	Why not You?



			HOLDEN

	I'm a guy.  You're attracted to girls.



			ALYSSA

	I see you've been taking notes.

	Historically, yes  that's true.



			HOLDEN

	Then why this?



			ALYSSA

	I've given that a lot of thought, you

	know?  I mean, now that I'm being

	ostracized by my friends, I've had a

	lot of time to think about all of

	this.  And what I've come up with is

	really simple: I came to this on my

	terms.  I didn't just heed what I was

	taught, you  know?  Men and women

	should be together, it's the natural

	way - that kind of thing.  I'm not

	with you because of what family,

	society, life tried to instill in me

	from day one.  The way the world is -

	how seldom you meet that one person

	who gets you... it's so rare.   My

	parents didn't really have it.  There

	was no example set for me in the world

	of male/female relation ships.  And to

	cut oneself off from finding that

	person - to immediately half your

	options by eliminating the possibility

	of finding that one person within your

	own gender... that just seemed stupid.

	So I didn't.  And by leaving my

	options open, I was branded 'gay',

	which to me was no big deal - labels

	are labels, you know?  They define

	what you do, not who you are, I guess.

	But 		then you come along.  You -

	the one least likely; I mean, you were

	a guy.



			HOLDEN

	Still am.



			ALYSSA

	And while I was falling for you, I put

	a ceiling on that, because you were a

	guy.

	Until I remembered why I opened the

	door to women in the first place - to

	not limit the likelihood of finding

	that one person who'd compliment me so

	completely.  And so here we are, I was

	thorough when I looked for you, and I

	feel justified lying in your arms -

	because I got here on my terms, and

	have no question that there was

	someplace I didn't look.  And that

	makes all the difference.



			HOLDEN

		(beat)

	Shit.



			ALYSSA

	What?



			HOLDEN

	Well, you took the luster our of it.



			ALYSSA

	What luster?



			HOLDEN

		(joking - in case you didn't

		get it)

	Of how I brought you back from the

	other side.  How all you needed was

	the right man to turn you around.



			ALYSSA

	You're not the right man.

		(kisses him)

	You're just the one.



She snuggles into him and closes her eyes.  Holden stares

at the ceiling.



			HOLDEN

	Can I at least cell people that all

	you needed was some serious deep-

	dicking?



She hits him with her pillow.







THE BIG OL' FALLING-IN-LOVE MONTAGE BEGINS



1) In Holden's Apartment - Alyssa waves in various

directions, shaking her head accordingly.  Then she puts

up her hands to stop.  Cut to Holden, hanging the

picture.  Alyssa gave him.

It hangs at a severely crooked angle.  He looks back to

her and shakes his head 'no'.



2) Holden and Alyssa try to play a video game.  Banky

plays as well.  Holden instructs her in the ways of NHL

'96 (turning her paddle right-side-up, pointing at things

on the screen).  She presses the reset button, over and

over.  Banky gives Holden a 'What the fuck?' look.

Alyssa sticks her tongue at him.



3) At the Video Store - Holden picks up a Disney cartoon

off the shelf.  He goes to show if to Alyssa, who's

reading the back of 'Anything But Dick', an allchick

porno.  An old WOMAN stares at her.  Holden nods to the

old Woman and takes the tape out of Alyssa's hands,

putting it back on the shelf.  He ushers her away.  The

old Woman waits until they're gone and then picks up the

tape herself,



4) Holden carries Alyssa on his shoulders through the

park, her crotch against the back of his neck.  He's

talking. She taps him and he stops and looks up.  She

begins to maneuver around so her crotch is in his face.

He pulls her off and put her down.  She's laughing.  He's

flushed with embarrassment.  The same Old Woman from the

Video store passes by with her husband.  Holden shrugs.



5) In Holden's Apartment again - Alyssa again with the

waving, then putting up her hands to stop.  Cut to Holden

again, this time with the painting hung completely upside

down.  He looks at it, then offers her a bewildered gaze.



6) In the Office Banky comes to his drawing table.  There

are penciled pages on it with a note that says "Hanging

out with Alyssa today.  Holden".  Banky crumples it up

and throws it across the room.



7) In Holden's Apartment - Alyssa waves this way, then

that way, then puts up her hands frantically to stop.

She settles back against the wall, a satisfied smile

crawling across her face, and closes her eyes.  We pull

back to reveal Holden on his knees in front of her,

eating her out (no, we don't see anything!).







INT OFFICE - DAY



Holden draws.  A book is thrown in front of him.  He

looks up.  Banky stands there.



			BANKY

	Check out page forty eight.



Holden looks down at that book.  It's the Nineteen Eighty

Eight yearbook from Middletown North.  He shakes his head

at Banky and flips it open.



On the page is Alyssa's Senior year photo.  Under her

name is another name in quotes that says 'Finger Cuffs'.



			HOLDEN

		(looking up)

	So?



			BANKY

	Did you see the nickname?



			HOLDEN

	'Finger Cuffs'.



			BANKY

	And...?



			HOLDEN

	And... she had a weird nick-name.

	What's your point?



			BANKY

	Do you know why it's 'Finger Cuffs'?



			HOLDEN

	I suppose you do.



			BANKY

	I do.

		(takes a seat)

	You remember Cohee Lundin?  Left

	Hudson and went to North our senior

	year?



			HOLDEN

	Yeah.



			BANKY

	Well, I ran into him at Food City the

	other day, and we got to talking, and

	I mentioned that you were dating

	Alyssa, and he said..



CUT TO COHEE LUNDON.  In the PARKING LOT of FOOD CITY,

addressing the camera.



			COHEE

	Alyssa Jones?  Shit.  I know Alyssa

	Jones.  I mean, I know Alyssa Jones,

	you know what I'm saying?

	Me and Rick Derris used to hang our

	with her for awhile, right?  Just

	hanging around her house after school,

	'cuz her parents were like never home,

	and shit.  And one day, Rick just

	whips it out, and starts rubbing it on

	her leg and shit; chasing her around

	the living room - I was dying.  But

	you know what the crazy bitch did?

	She fucking drops to her knees, and

	just starts sucking him off right in

	front of me!  Like I wasn't even there

	man!  I almost died!  But that's not

	the fucked up part - the fucked up

	part was Rick, man - right in the

	middle of it, he turns to me and he's

	pointing at her and he says "Cohee."

	Just like that - "Cohee."  So I'm like

	I'll give it a shot.  And I start

	pulling her pants down all slow, 'cuz

	I figure any second she's gonna turn

	around and belt me in the mouth,

	right?  But yo, check this shit out -

	she's all into it man!  She don't try

	to stop me or nothing!  She's

	all wet and shit, and I just went to

	work, know what I'm saying?  Me and

	Rick are going to town on this crazy

	bitch, and she's just loving it, all

	moaning and shit!  It was fucked up!

	So Rick's the one that came up with

	the nickname - 'cuz that day, she had

	us locked in tight from both sides -

	like a pair of goddamn Chinese finger

	cuffs!



BACK IN THE OFFICE - Holden stares at Banky.



			HOLDEN

	He's full of shit.



			BANKY

	Cohee's a lot of things, but an

	exxagerator he's not.  The dude's

	Catholic.



			HOLDEN

	She's never even been with a guy.



			BANKY

	That's what she says.  But I say her

	on her hands and knees getting filled

	out like an application constitutes

	'being with a guy'.



			HOLDEN

	He's pulling your chain.  And the fact

	that you even bought it for a second

	makes you look like an idiot.



			BANKY

	I'm getting your back, asshole!

	People don't forget shit like 'Finger

	Cuffs'.  And if it got out that she's

	queer as well, how do you think it's

	going to make you look?



			HOLDEN

	I give a shit what people think.



			BANKY

	Alright, forget about that; what if

	she's carrying a disease?  That was

	just one story - what if there's more?



			HOLDEN

		(grabs his coat)

	You're such a fucking asshole.



			BANKY

	What?  Oh, it's not possible that

	she's all crudded up?  Cohee I can

	vouch for as clean - the dude never

	got laid in high school.  But Derris

	is an arch fucking bush-man!  Name me

	one chick in our senior class that

	Rick Derris didn't nail, for Christ's

	sake!



			HOLDEN

	Would you let this go?  I'm telling

	you - she's never even been with a

	guy, let alone those two zeroes.



			BANKY

	And I'm telling you, the bitch could

	be a bigger fucking germ farm than

	that monkey in 'Outbreak'!



Holden grabs Banky and pins him against the wall.



			HOLDEN

	Give it a rest!  Do you hear me?!  I'm

	tired of this shit!  She's my goddamn

	girlfriend, do you understand?!  Show

	her a little fucking respect!

	And if you ever even so much as

	mention that Alyssa looks a little

	peaked from now on, I'll put your

	fucking teeth down your throat!



He releases Banky.  Banky brushes himself off.



			BANKY

	Maybe I'll put your fucking teeth down

	your throat.



			HOLDEN

		(walking out)

	Not bloody Likely.



Banky runs to the open door.



			BANKY

		(calling after him)

	I've been working out you know!

		(no response)

	You better be ready to make that M-TV

	deal!



The downstairs door slams.  Banky makes a muscle, then

feels it.







INT TOWER RECORDS - DAY



Holden and Hooper peruse laser discs.



			HOOPER

	Where's that bitch partner of your's

	been?



			HOLDEN

	Sulking.  He's having a real problem

	with this Alyssa thing.



			HOOPER

	I think it's more like Banky's having

	a problem with all things not hetero

	right about now.  And I'm just another

	paradigm of said aberration.



			HOLDEN

	Banky does not hate gays, you know

	that.



			HOOPER

	But I do think he is a bit homophobic.

	And this latest episode between you

	and Ms. Thing has tapped into that.

	In his warped perception, he lost you

	to the dark side - which is she.



			HOLDEN

	You make it sound like me and him were

	dating.



			HOOPER

	Don't kid yourself - that boy loves

	you in a way that he's not ready to

	deal with.



			HOLDEN

		(beat)

	He's been digging up dirt on Alyssa.



			HOOPER

	And just what has Mister Angela

	Lansbury uncovered about your lady

	fair?



			HOLDEN

	He heard some bullshit story that she

	took on two guys.



			HOOPER

	Really?  Well then he's barking up the

	wrong we if he wants to split you up,

	isn't he?  He's not going to make you

	see the error of your ways by pointing

	out how truly gay she's not

		(holds up a disc)

	This one?



			HOLDEN

	Have it.

		(beat)

	Actually, it's kind of gotten to me.



			HOOPER

	How so?



			HOLDEN

	Banky's not known for believing

	misinformation.  He's got a pretty

	good bullshit detector.



			HOOPER

	So, what if it is true?  Would that

	bother you?



			HOLDEN

	Sex with multiple partners?



Hooper lets our a faux-shock shriek.



			HOLDEN

	At the same time.



Again, even louder, hands slapped against his cheeks.



			HOLDEN

	Thanks for being so comforting.



			HOOPER

	So what do you care?



			HOLDEN

	Well that's the thing, isn't it?  I

	shouldn't.. but it gets to me.



			HOOPER

	Kind of gal Alyssa is, you don't think

	she's been in the middle of an all -

	girl group-grope?



			HOLDEN

	You see - that doesn't bother me.  But

	the thought of her and guys... Uh!



			HOOPER

	Oh Holden, I beg you - please don't

	drop fifty stories in my opinion of

	you by falling prey to that latest of

	trendy beasts.



			HOLDEN

	Which is?



			HOOPER

	Lesbian chic.  It's oh-so acceptable

	to be a gay girl nowadays.  People

	think it's cute, because they've got

	this fool picture in their heads about

	lipstick lesbians - like they all

	resemble Alyssa - while most of them

	look more like you.



			HOLDEN

	Do I detect a little inter-subculture

	cattiness?



			HOOPER

	Gay or straight - ugly's still ugly.

	And most of those boys are scary.



			HOLDEN

	I thought fags were all supposed to be

	super-supportive of one another.



			HOOPER

	Screw that 'all for one' shit.  I

	gotta deal with being the minority in

	the minority of the minority, and

	nobody's supporting my ass?  While the

	whole of society is fawning over girls-

	on-girls, here I sit - a reviled gay

	man, and to top that off,  I'm a gay

	black man - notoriously the most

	swishy of the bunch.



			HOLDEN

	Three strikes.



			HOOPER

	Hey, hey!  There's a line.



A young BLACK KID approaches Hooper, holding a comic

book.



			KID

	Are you Hooper X?



			HOOPER

		(in militant mode)

	A-salaam Alaikum, little brother.



			KID

	Could you sign my comic?



			HOOPER

		(signing comic; nods to

		Holden)

	See that guy there?  He's the devil,

	you understand?  Never take your eye

	off the Man.  Our people took their

	eyes off him one time, and he had us

	in chains in two shakes of his snake's

	tail.



The Kid offers Holden an angry look.  Hooper gives him

back his comic.



			HOOPER

	Fight the power, little 'G'.



			KID

	Word is bond



The Kid leaves, Hooper slips back into his real voice.



			HOOPER

	Look at what I have to resort to for

	professional respect.  What is it

	about gay men that terrifies the rest

	of the world.

		(shakes his head)

	As for this hang-up with Alyssa's

	past, maybe what's really bothering

	you is that your fragile fantasy might

	not be true.



			HOLDEN

	What do you mean?



			HOOPER

	Holden - don't even try to come off

	like you don't know what I'm saying.

	Men need to believe that they're Marco

	fucking Polo when it comes to sex -

	like they're the only ones who've ever

	explored new territory.  And it's hard

	not to let them believe it.  I let my

	boys run with it for awhile - feed

	them some of that "I've never done

	this before..." bullshit, and let 'em

	labor under the delusion that they

	rockin' my world, until I can't stand

	them anymore.  Then I hit 'em with the

	truth.  It's a sick game.  The world

	would be a better place if people

	would just accept that there's nothing

	new under the sun, and everything you

	can do with a person has probably been

	done long before you got there.



			HOLDEN

	I can accept that.



			HOOPER

	Honey, that almost sounded convincing.

	Do yourself a favor - just ask her

	about her past, point blank.  Get it

	out of the way, before it gets too big

	for both ya'll to move.

		(spotting something OC)

	Oooh!  'Myra Breckinridge'!



Hooper trots off, Holden glances at the disc in his

hands.  Pictured on it are two gorgeous chicks, barely

clad, making out.  The title is 'Men Suck.. and so do

Girls - All XXX Action.'







INT HOCKEY RINK - NIGHT



On the ice, two teams clash, chasing the puck up and

back, checking galore.



In the bleachers, amidst a slew of fans, Alyssa watches

the game with a large degree of enjoyment.  Sitting

beside her, Holden doesn't seem to share her enthusiasm.



			ALYSSA

	Since most of these people are rooting

	for the home team, I'm going to cheer

	for the visitors.  I'm a big visitors

	fan - especially the kind that make

	coffee for you in the morning before

	they go.

		(smiles at Holden; no

		response)

	That was a joke.  A little wacky

	wordplay?



			HOLDEN

	What do you mean, 'visitors'?



			ALYSSA

	Was I being too obscure?  The kind

	that - until recently - had no dicks

	and would spend the night.



			HOLDEN

	So that was until recently!



			ALYSSA

	Oh, yeah.

		(shouting; to ice)

	Hey - foul!  Foul!  He was traveling

	or something!



			HOLDEN

	So nobody bur me has stayed the night

	at your place since we got together?



			ALYSSA

		(beat)

	Something on your mind, Holden?



			HOLDEN

	No, I was just wondering,



			ALYSSA

	If I've been 'faithful' or something?



			HOLDEN

	Look, I was just asking.



			ALYSSA

		(toucher his face)

	Oh, sweetie.  I only have eyes for

	you.

		(to ice)

	CALL THAT FUCKING SHIT, REF!!  THE GUY

	ON THE SKATES TOTALLY SHOVED ONE OF MY

	GUYS!!

		(to Holden)

	I told you I was great at sporting

	events.  Imagine what a bitch I could

	be if I knew what was going on?



ON THE ICE - Things heat up between two opposing PLAYERS.

One snatches the puck away from the other and skates off.

The other Player gives chase.



Alyssa's very into the game.  Holden shakes his head



			HOLDEN

	That'd make Banky half right.



			ALYSSA

	About what?



			HOLDEN

	He said all the girls from North were

	bitches and sluts.



			ALYSSA

	Really.  I'm sorry - you two left high

	school behind how many years ago?

		(grabs his face and kisses

		his cheek)

	Can I put some of my books in your

	locker?

		(goes back to watching game)



			HOLDEN

		(under his breath)

	How about your yearbook.



ON THE ICE - The Player giving chase slashes the Player

with the puck.



Alyssa jumps to her feet.



			ALYSSA

		(to ice)

	IF YOU DON'T START USING THAT WHISTLE

	I'M GONNA JAM IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR

	ASS!!

		(to guy next to her)

	Right?



			HOLDEN

	What's with 'Finger Cuffs'?



			ALYSSA

		(sitting back down)

	'Finger Cuffs'?



			HOLDEN

	Yeah.  In your senior yearbook your

	nickname was 'Finger Cuffs'.  What is

	that?



			ALYSSA

	It was?  Shit, damned if I can

	remember.  I'd look it up, but I threw

	all that shit our years ago?

		(beat)

	Where'd you see a North yearbook?



			HOLDEN

	Do you know Rick Derris?



ON THE ICE - The Players skid into the corner where

Player One checks Player Two into the boards, hard.

Player Two scrambles to his feet and throws down his

gloves.



The crowd around Alyssa and Holden go wild.



			ALYSSA

	Rick?  Sure.  We used to hang out in

	high school.

		(to ice)

	PUNCH HIM IN THE FUCKING NECK, NUMBER

	TWELVE!!



			HOLDEN

	Did you go out with him or something?



			ALYSSA

		(eyes on the ice)

	Date Rick Derris?  No.  We just hung

	out a lot.



			HOLDEN

	Just... you and him?



			ALYSSA

	No.  Me, Rick, and... um... what was

	that guy's name...?



			HOLDEN

	Cohee?



			ALYSSA

	Yeah!  Cohee Lundin.  God, I haven't

	thought about that name in years.



ON THE ICE - The Players square off.  Player Two pulls

Player One's helmet off and punches him in the face.



Holden looks as if he'd Like to do the same to his

companion.  Alyssa's into the game.



			ALYSSA

	I remember those guys'd come over

	almost everyday after school.  They'd

	bug my sisters, look for porno tapes

	in my dad's closet, raid our fridge.

	They really took advantage of my

	parents never being home.



ON THE ICE - Player Two yanks at Player One's jersey and

gut punches him.  Alyssa seems oblivious to Holden's

anger, so enthralled with the action is she.



			ALYSSA

		(starts laughing)

	This one day... Rick pulled out his

	dick and chased me around the house

	with it!  Right in front of Cohee!  I

	couldn't believe it!  Guys are weird -

	I thought the whole size hang-up made

	you all terrified to show your dicks

	to each other?



ON THE ICE - Player One staggers a bit, then quickly

rights his jersey and lunges at Player Two, landing a

barrage of his own punches.  Blood sprays across the ice.



Holden's face is reeeeeaaaally sour looking.  Alyssa's

still in the game.



			HOLDEN

	Rick pulled his dick out?  Really?

	What'd you do?



			ALYSSA

		(looks him dead in the eye)

	I blew him while Cohee fucked me.



ON THE ICE - Player One delivers the kill shot, slamming

his fist into Player Two's nose.  The blood shoots out

like a geyser, and Two goes down hard.



Holden stares at Alyssa, flabbergasted.  The crowd around

them stares not at the fight on the ice, but the fight in

their midst, shocked.  Alyssa fumes.



			HOLDEN

	Excuse me!?!



			ALYSSA

	That's what you wanted to hear, isn't

	it?  Isn't that what this little cross-

	examination of your's is about?  Well

	try not to be so obvious about it next

	time, there are subtler ways of

	badgering a witness.

		(to Bystander)

	Am I right?



			BYSTANDER

		(to Holden)

	Jeez, even I knew what you were

	getting at.



			ALYSSA

		(gathering her stuff)

	If you wanted some background

	information on me, all you had to do

	was ask - I'd have gladly volunteered

	it.  You didn't have to play Hercules

	fucking Poirot!



She storms away.  Holden chases after her.  The Bystander

watches them go.



			BYSTANDER

		(to companion)

	I told you these were good seats.







INT RINK LOBBY / EXT PARKING LOT - NIGHT



Alyssa marches quickly, pulling on her coat.  Holden

catches up to her.  We track with them our into the

parking lot.



			HOLDEN

	So it's true?!



			ALYSSA

	Yes Holden!  In fact, everything you

	heard or dug up on me was probably

	true!  Yeah, I took on two guys at

	once!  You want to hear some gems you

	might not have unearthed - I took a

	twenty