英语剧本《新岳父大人》

SCENE 1



GEORGE

I used to think a wedding was a simple affair.  A boy and girl meet, 

they fall in love, he buys a ring, she buys a dress, they say "I do."  

I was wrong.  That's getting married.  A wedding is an entirely 

different proposition.  I know.  I've just been through one.  Not my 

own.  My daughter's.  Annie Banks-MacKenzie.  That's her married name.  

MacKenzie.  I'll be honest with you.  When I bought this house 

seventeen years ago, it cost me less than this blessed event in which 

Annie Banks became Annie Banks-MacKenzie.  I'm told that one day I'll 

look back on all this with great affection and nostalgia.  I hope so.  

You fathers will understand.  You have a little girl.  An adorable 

little girl who looks up to you and adores you in a way you could never 

imagine.  I remember how her little hand used to fit inside mine.  How 

she used to sit in my lap and lean her head against my chest.  She said 

that I was her hero.  Then the day comes when she wants to get her ears 

pierced and she wants you to drop her off a block before the movie 

theater.  Next thing you know she's wearing eye shadow and high heels.  

From that moment on, you're in a constant state of panic.  You worry 

about her going out with the wrong kind of guys, the kind of guys who 

only want one thing--and you know exactly what that one thing is 

because it's the same thing you wanted when you were their age.  Then 

she gets a little older and you quite worrying about her meeting the 

wrong guy and you worry about her meeting the right guy.  And that's 

the biggest fear of all because then you lose her.  And before you know 

it, you're sitting all alone in a big, empty house, wearing rice on 

your tux, wondering what happened to your life.  It was just six months 

ago that it happened here.  Just six months ago that the storm broke.



SCENE 2



GEORGE

(VO)

Annie had been studying for her Masters in Architecture for the past 

semester in Rome.  I remember I was work walking through the factory.  

I own a company called "Sidekicks."  We manufacture athletic shoes.  

Anyway, I remember how preoccupied I was that day.  



WOMAN

Sorry, Mr. Banks.



GEORGE

My fault, Grace.



GEORGE

(VO)

Annie had never been that far away from home and she was due back any 

minute.  I couldn't wait to see the kid.



OLIVIA

George, she landed!



GEORGE

My daughter.  Been studying abroad.  Been flying for eleven hours.  I'm 

not wild about her being in the air.  You got kids, Juan.  You 

understand.  It's better when they're on the ground.



GEORGE

(VO)

I've always been a concerned parent.  I'm big on car seats, seat belts, 

bed times, curfews, calling when you get somewhere, never running with 

a sharp object.  What can I say?  I'm a father.  Worrying comes with 

the territory.



OLIVIA

Is Nina picking her up at the airport?



GEORGE

Yeah.



OLIVIA

And you're going to meet them?



GEORGE

Yeah.  I'm going home right now.  Where are my keys?



OLIVIA

Here.  And sign this.



GEORGE

Okay.



OLIVIA

Hat.



GEORGE

Okay, thanks...Oh, and this.



OLIVIA

Bring her by.



GEORGE

Okay.  Bye.



SCENE 3



GEORGE

(VO)

I left work early because I had a little something to pick up for 

Annie's homecoming.  We live in a small town in Southern California 

called San Marino.  I love this town, and not just because it's the 

kind of place where people still smile at each other but because it 

hasn't changed much in the past twenty-five years.  And since I'm not a 

guy who's big on change, this town fits me like a glove.  I got Annie's 

ten-speed all cleaned up and polished.  New seat, new tires...I 

couldn't wait to show it to her.  This is our house.  24 Maple Drive.  

Annie was just in grammar school when we bought it.  A few years later, 

we got a surprise package.  Our son, Matt.  I love this house.  I love 

that I taught my kids to ride their bikes in the driveway.  I love that 

I slept with them in tents in the backyard.  I love that we carved our 

initials in the tree out front.  This house is warm in the winter, cool 

in the summer, and looks spectacular with Christmas lights.  It's a 

great house.  I never want to move.  But the thing I think I like best 

about this house are the voices I hear when I walk through the door.



SCENE 4



NINA

Hey!  Hi.  You got out early.



GEORGE

Where is she?



NINA

Oh, uh, she's unpacking.  She looks so fabulous.  Just fabulous.  

Different.  Anyway, she can't wait to see you.



GEORGE

Different?



MATT

Ciao, Papa!



GEORGE

Hey!



MATT

Annie brought me this candy bar all the way from Rome.



NINA

And let's not get it on our American furniture.



GEORGE

Matty!  The hightops!



MATT

Hey, grazie.



GEORGE

Hey, you're welcome.  (TO NINA):  What do you mean, different?



NINA

Oh....



GEORGE

Annie.



ANNIE

Hi, Dad.



GEORGE

Hey!



ANNIE

God, I missed you!



GEORGE

You look...all lit up inside.



ANNIE

I feel all lit up inside.



NINA

Maybe we should go to Rome for a few months, honey.



ANNIE

Oh, you two would love it.  It's the most romantic place on earth.



GEORGE

You smell pretty good, too.



ANNIE

Oh, you like it?  It was a present.



NINA

Doesn't she look incredible?  I almost didn't recognize her.  Come on, 

dinner's on the stove.  (TO GEORGE):  Honey, you want to come?



GEORGE

Oh.



SCENE 5



GEORGE

All right, now that we're all back under one roof, we have some very 

important items to discuss.  First on list, who wants to go to the 

Lakers game on Thursday?



MATT

Me!  Definitely, yes!



GEORGE

Okay, and with your busy schedule, too.



NINA

Honey, I can't.  I have inventory to do that night.



GEORGE

Oh...



ANNIE

Uh, Thursday?  Sure.  Absolutely.



GEORGE

Okay.



NINA

Matty, use your other fork.



GEORGE

Number two.  Paul Simon's coming to the Forum and I think I can get us 

great seats.



ANNIE

Um...yeah...sure.



GEORGE

All right, Paul Simon is an "um...yeah...sure," which I believe 

translates to a "yes."  



NINA

Oh, um, honey?  Could you please get that bottle of wine in the fridge 

for me?



GEORGE

Sure.



ANNIE

Dad, wait...um...I don't know.



GEORGE

You don't want to see Paul Simon?



ANNIE

No...I do...It's just, um...



NINA

What is it?



ANNIE

Well...



NINA

Is something going on?



ANNIE

Yes, it is, Mom...uh...God, this is a hard thing to tell 

parents...especially when you're my parents...Oh, God!



GEORGE

Honey, just say it.  What's the big deal?



MATT

Yeah.



ANNIE

Okay!  I met somebody in Rome.  Um, he's an American.  Uh, he's from 

L.A., actually.  And um, his name's Brian MacKenzie.  And he's this 

completely wonderful, wonderful, amazing man, and...well, we starting 

seeing each other, a lot...and, um...we fell in love.  Ha!  Ha!  It 

actually happened!  And, uh, we've decided to get married...which means 

that, I'm engaged!  Ha!  I'm engaged!  I'm getting married!  HA!



MATT

Congratulations!



ANNIE

Thank you.



NINA

Oh!  My!  My!  Oh, so, oh my...and that's your engagement ring, huh?



ANNIE

Yes!  Yes!  We got it at a flea market outside of Rome.  The guy we 

bought it from said that it's at least a hundred years old...So, Dad.  

Stop it.  Say something.



GEORGE

I'm sorry.  What did you say?



LITTLE

ANNIE

Dad, I met a man in Rome.  And he's wonderful and brilliant, and we're 

getting married.



ANNIE

Mom, what's he doing?



NINA

George?  George?  George?  What is it?



GEORGE

Well...this is...this is ridiculous!  You're too young to get married!



ANNIE

Too young?  Dad, I'm twenty-two.  If I'm not mistaken, that's a year 

older than Mom was when you guys got married.



GEORGE

That is absolutely not true!



NINA

Oh, no...you're absolutely wrong.



GEORGE

You were this age when I married you?



NINA

No.  I was younger.  I was this age when she was born.



GEORGE

That...that doesn't matter.  Times have changed.  Your mother was 

mature...and twenty-two isn't what it used to be...Matt, would you turn 

on the air conditioner?  It's hot in here.  I thought...I thought you 

didn't believe in marriage.  I thought it meant a woman lost her 

identity.  I thought you wanted to get a job before you settled down so 

you could earn money and be your own person.



ANNIE

All right, hold on.  I didn't think I believed in marriage until I met 

Brian.  Brian's not like any other guy I've ever known.  I want to be 

married to him.  And I'm not going to lose my identity with him because 

he's not some overpowering, macho guy.  He's like you, Dad!  Except 

he's brilliant.  He happens to love that I'm going to be an architect.  

He wants me to design a house for us to live in.  He said he'd move 

anywhere I got a job.  Give me a little credit, George.  I'm not going 

to marry some ape who wants me to wear go-go boots and an apron.  I'm 

telling you, you'll love him.  He's a genius.  And sweet.  And I love 

him more than anything in the world.



NINA

What does Brian do?



GEORGE

Who's Brian?



NINA

Oh!



GEORGE

I forgot his name! 



ANNIE

He's an independent communications consultant.



GEORGE

Independent?



ANNIE

Yes.



GEORGE

That's code for unemployed!  This is perfect!  You meet an unemployed, 

amazingly brilliant non-ape that I'm going to have to support!  I 

suppose I'm going to have to hire him and fire some hard working guy 

with three kids because my son-in-law, the "independent communications 

consultant," can't get a job anywhere else!  No wonder he'll move 

anywhere you get a job!  You're not getting married and that's it and 

that's final!  And I don't like you calling me George!  I mean, when 

did this start?



ANNIE

Daddy, what is wrong with you?



GEORGE

What?  Are you telling me you're happy about this?



NINA

George, please.  Would you stop acting like a lunatic father and go out 

and talk to her before she runs out that door, marries this kid and we 

never see her again!



GEORGE

All right.  Kid?  How do you know he's a kid?  He could be forty-five 

years old.



SCENE 6



ANNIE

An independent communications consultant does mean he's an unemployable 

non-ape.  Brian happens to be a computer genius.  Companies send him 

all over the world hooking up these complex systems.  Major banks and 

corporations send him to Tokyo and Brazil and Geneva.  He's a genius.



GEORGE

You mentioned that.  How old is this genius?



ANNIE

Twenty-six, not forty-five.  You guys still think I can't hear you when 

you're one room away.



GEORGE

If you love him so much, I know I'll love him, too.  Brian?



ANNIE

MacKenzie.



GEORGE

Brian MacKenzie.



ANNIE

Yeah.



GEORGE

Can't wait to meet him.



ANNIE

Good, 'cause he'll be here in an hour to meet you.



GEORGE

I suppose you're not in the mood for a little one-on-one?



ANNIE

Daddy, I'm wearing heals.



GEORGE

Come to the right place.



*Annie and George play basketball.



GEORGE

You're not really getting married, are you?



ANNIE

Dad, stop it!



SCENE 7



NINA

So can you see him?  What does he look like?



GEORGE

He just drove up?



NINA

And?



GEORGE

He drove too fast.



NINA

Oh wait.  So George, do you want to meet him?



GEORGE

Do I want to meet him?



SCENE 8



NINA

Oh, hello.  Hi!



BRIAN

Hi.  I'm Brian MacKenzie.



NINA

Good.  I'm Nina Banks.



BRIAN

Yes, I recognize you from your picture.



NINA

Yes, come on in.



BRIAN

The one Annie had with her in Rome.



NINA

Yes.  Oh, good.  Come in.



BRIAN

Okay.  (TO GEORGE):  Hello, Mr. Banks.



GEORGE

(VO)

It was the first time I ever hated the sound of my own name.



GEORGE

Hi.



BRIAN

I've heard so much about you.  It's great to finally meet you, sir!



GEORGE

(VO)

"Sir."  Two words now crossed my mind:  "brown" and "nose."



BRIAN

Annie talks about you so much, I feel like I already know you.



ANNIE

Brian?



BRIAN

Oh, Annie.



ANNIE

So, this is him!



NINA

Oh, he's just, just a...



BRIAN

A little nervous.  This is one of those situations you read about.  You 

know, meeting the in-laws.  You two seem great.  I'm sure I have 

nothing to be nervous about.  But, uh...still...



GEORGE

Let's...Let's, uh...go to the uh...uh...



BRIAN

Great!



NINA

I think he's adorable.



GEORGE

I don't like him.



NINA

Oh, George!



GEORGE

He's wearing Nikes!



ANNIE

Mom, where's Matty?



NINA

Oh, he fell asleep watching TV.



ANNIE

Oh well, you'll meet him tomorrow.



NINA

So...uh...How did you two...uh...meet?



ANNIE

Oh, we were the only two people at this revival house in Rome for a 

midnight show of "Bringing Up Baby."  We kept hearing each other laugh.



BRIAN

And at all the same places.

ANNIE

Yeah.  And when it was over, I picked him up.



BRIAN

Oh, no, no, no.  I went over to your to ask directions and one thing 

led to another and...



ANNIE

And that was it.  For the next three months we never left each other's 

sight.  We went to all these museums, all these great concerts, the 

opera.  We traveled to the country.  Remember that place we stayed in 

Tuscany?



BRIAN

The one with the uh...?  Suffice it to stay it wasn't a four star 

hotel.  You have a very brave daughter!



GEORGE

Uh, Brian...What is it exactly that you do?  Annie was saying something 

about computers?



BRIAN

Oh yeah, um...I'm an independent communications consultant.



GEORGE

Yeah, yeah...that part I heard.



BRIAN

It sounds fake, right?  Like I don't have a real job?



NINA

No...no...We wouldn't say that.



BRIAN

That's what my Dad said when he first heard what I was doing.  But, 

uh...what it is, in this case, Pacific International Bank sent me to 

Rome to hook up an X-dot connection to their European subsidiary.  Uh, 

all European computers communicate on the Dot 25 network.  And uh, 

since Pacific International is an L.A.-based firm, they wanted to 

interface with standard European protocol.  So, I set 'em up.



NINA

Mm!



GEORGE

And uh, why are you "independent"?  What was that?



ANNIE

Because no one can afford to keep him on staff.



BRIAN

Well, uh...that's true, basically.  You know, driving down here, I 

tried to put myself in your place.  Your daughter comes home after 

spending four months in Rome, and uh, I'm sure you couldn't wait to see 

her...and she shocks you with the news that she's getting married.  And 

to somebody you've never met before.  I'm sure that was 

pretty..."heavy"...to use a word from your generation.  I just want to 

say that I'm an upstanding citizen, and I've never been engaged 

before...I've never really been in love before.  And, uh...I think 

Annie is the greatest person I've ever met.  And I can't wait to marry 

her and one day...have children...and grandchildren.  And I'm going to 

do my best to be supportive of her dreams...and she's a very gifted 

architect...and um...I'm just thrilled that I met her!  I love your 

daughter.  The feelings I have for her are never going to change.  And 

I'm here to stay.



NINA

Oh, honey!



ANNIE

Mom!



BRIAN

That's okay Mr. Banks, we don't have to hug.



GEORGE

Well...um...maybe later.



NINA

Well that was just a...that was just about the best thing I ever heard 

anybody say!



BRIAN

Well, I meant it.



NINA

Good.



ANNIE

Listen, I want to take Brian out for a drive and show him around San 

Marino.



NINA

Okay, honey.  Good.



GEORGE

Annie, it's a little nippy out.  You might want to put on a sweater.



ANNIE

Oh, Dad, it's okay.  I'm kind of warm.



GEORGE

Still, there's a chill in the air and you've been on a plane.



ANNIE

Dad, I'm fine.



BRIAN

Annie, it is kinda cold out.



ANNIE

It is?



BRIAN

Yeah.



ANNIE

All right.  Thanks.  I'll get my jacket.



GEORGE

(VO)

Right then I realized, my day had passed.  She'll always love me, of 

course, but not in the same way.  I was no longer the man in my little 

girl's life.  I was like an old shoe.  The kind we manufacture and get 

all excited about, then after a few years discontinue.  That was me 

now.  Mr. Discontinued.



ANNIE

Mom?  Don't wait up, okay?  We might stop for a capuccino.



NINA

Oh, okay fine.  Well, good night, Brian.



BRIAN

Good night.  Good night, Mr. Banks.



ANNIE

Oh, you can call him George.  Or Dad!



GEORGE

George will be fine.



BRIAN

Okay.  I'll say it next time I see you.



GEORGE

Drive carefully.  And don't forget to fasten your condom.



ANNIE

Dad!



GEORGE

Seat belt!  I meant...I meant seat belt.



NINA

Honey, I'm putting your father to bed.  This has been a very big night 

for him.



GEORGE

Bye.



NINA

Good night.  Have fun.



GEORGE

Bye.

NINA

Bye-bye!  Have fun!



SCENE 9



NINA

This is a great kid.



GEORGE

It'll never last.



NINA

Wanna bet?



GEORGE

Nina.  Annie's much too spirited for this kid.  He's totally wrong for 

her.  I give it two months, tops.  One month.



NINA

This is the right guy for Annie, George.  I'm tellin' you, I feel it in 

my bones.  I mean, we're two lucky parents, George.



GEORGE

Lucky?  Oh!  What about his laugh?  It was such a give away.  It was so 

phony with his "Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Hee!  Hee!  Hee!"



NINA

I thought it was totally sincere.



GEORGE

Oh, please.  What about that little rehearsed speech he gave that was 

right out of a book.  "How to Grease Your Future Mother-In-Law."



NINA

You're off here, George, really.  I thought it was completely from his 

heart.  Why do you think I cried?



GEORGE

Good question.  I don't know why either of you cried.  I'm losing my 

voice.  Are my glands swollen?



NINA

Let me see.  No.  No, honey.  No.



GEORGE

And what about the way he kept touching her?



NINA

What do you mean?



GEORGE

What do you mean, what do I mean?  He couldn't keep his hands off of 

her.



NINA

Oh, yes...kind of like when we were engaged, except that wasn't all you 

couldn't keep off me.



GEORGE

That was different.  And we certainly never acted that way in your 

parent's house.



NINA

Oh!  You want me to name all the rooms we did it in at my parent's 

house?



GEORGE

That was different.  We were like two imbeciles.  This is our child 

we're talking about.



NINA

Our child?  Oh, George.  You know, I still think you see Annie as a 

seven year-old girl in pigtails!



GEORGE

Well, you know?  That just shows how you much you know about me because 

that is not at all how I see her.  Right...a seven year-old with 

pigtails.  I mean, here's the thing.  We have no idea who this Brian 

really is.



NINA

Oh?



GEORGE

And if that's his real name.  I mean, who knows?  You know, maybe he 

already has a wife.  You read about these cases everyday.  Men who have 

wives and families stashed all across the country.  He could be a 

professional con artist who meets innocents abroad, and gives them this 

song and dance about being an independent...whatever that was...and 

then skips out after bilking them for all they're worth.  What are you 

doing?



NINA

I'm getting ready for bed.



GEORGE

Then I suppose that you're not interested that I believe I remember 

seeing someone who looked like Brian's twin on "America's Most Wanted"?



NINA

You're right.  I'm not.  George?  George, I thought he was great.  I 

liked him a lot.  And I'm really happy...George...Would you please stop 

making that face?  And I'm very happy for Annie.  And I'm excited for 

her.  This is a big deal and I think that we should at least hug.  This 

is great news.  Oh!  A wedding!  Father of the Bride.  Can you believe 

it?



SCENE 10



GEORGE

(VO)

Forty-eight hours later, the wedding was still on.  We were on our way 

to Bel- Air to meet Brian's folks.  



GEORGE

I don't know why we have to have brunch with total strangers.



NINA

Because their son is marrying our daughter and it's not an unusual 

custom meeting the in-laws.



GEORGE

You know, that's another thing.  I hate that expression, "in-laws."  

What does it mean, anyway?  We're legally bound to these people?  I 

don't want to be "in-lawed."  Especially to people who live in Bel-Air.  

I mean, what kind of people have brunch and live in Bel-Air?



NINA

Rich people.



GEORGE

They probably live in the one shack in the middle of all these 

mansions.



NINA

Nice mood, George.



GEORGE

What?  I'm in a good mood.



NINA

Okay, I think this is it.  Yeah...Nice shack, babe.



GEORGE

Worse.  It's the biggest house on the street.  Now we're related to 

pretentious snobs.  Just what we need.



NINA

You look very handsome, George.  Way too young to be "in-lawed."



GEORGE

Well, it really shouldn't matter how I look.  We're not here to win 

their approval.  Just because you changed your outfit five times.



NINA

Oh, and you didn't try on nine different shirts?



GEORGE

Two.



NINA

Two?  I see.



GEORGE

Two long sleeve and two short sleeve.



JOHN &

JOANNA

Hi!  Nice to meet you.  I'm John...I'm Joanna.  Welcome to our house.  

Come on in, please.



SCENE 11



GEORGE

(VO)

All I could think about was the size of this place.  We could have 

parked our whole house in the foyer.



JOHN

Oh, what a nerve-wracking thing, meeting your future in-laws.  What a 

relief.  You two look perfectly normal.



NINA

Oh, well, I am.



JOANNA

I have to tell you, we got so nervous about today, about meeting the 

two of you, I must have tried on three different outfits.



NINA

Oh?



JOHN

I changed my shirt four times.  Can you imagine anyone being that 

jerky?  



JOANNA

So come on in.  I thought we could have lunch in here.



JOHN

Marta, estas son nuestras in-laws.  George and Nina Banks.



MARTA

Mucho gusto.



NINA

Hello.



JOANNA

Oh, and here's the rest of our family.  



JOHN

Oh, don't worry.  They look like killers but they're actually quite 

friendly.  As long as you're relaxed, why, they're relaxed.



GEORGE

Hi, puppy, puppy, puppy!



JOHN

All right, fellas.  That's enough.  Come on.  Release!



JOANNA

Well, why don't we all sit down?



JOHN

Please.  



NINA

Oh, thank you.



JOHN

All right, here we go.  George.  Honey.



JOANNA

Sweet heart.  (TO GEORGE AND NINA):  I don't know if the kids told you, 

but we were over in Europe on business and we stopped in Rome to see 

Brian.  So we got to spend a few days with Annie.  Oh, boy.  We just 

fell in love with her immediately.  



GEORGE

Isn't she great?



JOANNA

Yes.  We just couldn't be happier about this.



JOHN

How did you...uh...take the news, George?



GEORGE

Me?  Uh, truthfully, I was a little surprised.



JOHN

I was shocked.



GEORGE

So was I.



JOHN

After all, they'd only known each other a few months.



GEORGE

Exactly.  And Annie is just finishing up school.



JOHN

Absolutely.  Oh, believe me, I tossed and turned over this one, 

but...the bottom line is, they're in love.  They over twenty-one, and 

whether they're rushing into this or not is maybe not for us to say.



GEORGE

(VO)

Right.  Not for us to say.  We're only their parents.  I was just about 

to say these very words out loud when he hit me with...



JOHN

Yes, sooner or later you just have to let your kids go and hope you 

brought 'em up right.  George...Nina...Darling.



GEORGE

(VO)

This guy was making a little too much sense for me.  Suddenly, my shirt 

collar felt like it was starting to strangle me.  



JOHN

To George and Nina.  And a future of wonderful memories.  First, the 

wedding of our children.  And the happiness we'll share watching their 

lives.  Then, sharing the joy of our grandchildren together.  Birthday 

parties...graduation...



GEORGE

(VO)

Now I knew where they got the expression, "Like father, like son."  I 

also knew I needed some air.



GEORGE

Can you tell me where the restroom is?



JOANNA

Oh, actually the one down here is a mess.  We're remodeling.  Why don't 

you try the one at the top of the stairs.  It's the seventh door on the 

left.



GEORGE

Second?



JOANNA

Seventh.



JOHN

Seventh.



GEORGE

Seventh.



SCENE 12	



GEORGE

(TO DOG):  I'm leaving.  I'm relaxed and I'm leaving.  (TO DOGS):  

Relent!  Recoil.  Reverse!



SCENE 13



JOHN

Well, I hope George hasn't gotten lost up there.



NINA

Oh no, he's gonna be fine.

JOHN

Okay.



NINA

That's such a lovely sculpture.



JOHN

Oh. Doesn't it have such a wonderful sense of motion?  



JOANNA

We got it in Denmark.  Quite a lot of my family is from Copenhagen.



NINA

Is that right?



JOHN

Oh, yeah.  Doesn't it have a wonderful sense of balance?  



NINA

Oh, it's amazing.



JOHN

I was going to put it in the garden...Actually, Brian spent quite a few 

summers in Denmark.  He now speaks better Danish than Joanna.



NINA

Is that a fact?



JOHN

And we're planning a trip back this summer.



NINA

Um...I think this is a very beautiful spread here.



JOANNA

Oh, thank you.



JOHN

Well, should we wait for George?  ...Maybe I should check on George?



NINA

No.



GEORGE

(TO DOGS):  Release!



NINA

Oh, man.



SCENE 14



ANNIE

Wow!  No kidding?  Really?  It went great?



GEORGE

Better than great.  I mean, it just...just...couldn't have gone better!



ANNIE

God, I'm so relieved.  I mean, who knows what can happen at these 

things, you know?  Now I feel like the wedding's officially on.  Dad, 

that looks so good.  This is great.



NINA

Oh, Brian's mom called with the names of her immediate family.



GEORGE

Is this is a joke?



NINA

Not only is this not a joke, but eight of them are from Copenhagen and 

it's the bride's family's responsibility to...



GEORGE

Do you have any idea what a round-trip ticket from Denmark costs?



MATT

Try eight round-trip tickets.



NINA

Well, actually it's nine.  You see, Joanna's cousin Gitte is apparently 

a rather large woman, so she needs two seats.



GEORGE

She can lop into the aisle for all I care because there's no way I'm 

paying for...

BRIAN

Hello everyone.  Sorry I'm late.



NINA

Hi!



ANNIE

Hey, Sweetie.



GEORGE

Hello.



MATT

Hey, dude.



BRIAN

Oh, here you are.



NINA

Oh.  Well, thank you!



BRIAN

Slev tak.  That's "You're welcome" in Danish.  



NINA

Oh, thanks.



BRIAN

This looks great.  Hear you're a whiz at the barbecue, Dad.



NINA

Well. So have you two given any thought to what kind of wedding you 

want?



ANNIE

Well, we've talked about it.



NINA

Yes?  And what do you think?  Big?  Small?



ANNIE

Well, it can't be too big.  We don't have that many friends.



GEORGE

So we're talking in the small vicinity range?



NINA

Well, she didn't say small.  She said not too big.



GEORGE

Yeah, but nothing fancy or overblown, right?



ANNIE

Right.



GEORGE

Right.  So, kind of the less is more theory, huh, Annie?



ANNIE

Basically.



GEORGE

Well, the reason I'm asking all these questions is I have a great idea 

where we can have this lovely, not small, but not too big wedding.



NINA

You do?  Where?



GEORGE

At our favorite restaurant.  The place we've been eating at for fifteen 

years.  The best.  The Steak Pit!



ANNIE

Dad, get serious.



MATT

I don't think you want the word "Pit" on a wedding invitation, George.



ANNIE

Really, Dad.  A rib joint with sawdust on the floor isn't exactly what 

I had in mind for my wedding.  No offense.



GEORGE

Well, excuse me.  What did you have in mind?  The Beverly Hills Hotel?



ANNIE

No.  Actually, what I'd like to have is my wedding in a church and have 

the reception here.  That's what I was hoping for.



GEORGE

Here?  (GEORGE VISUALIZES RECEPTION BARBECUE IN THE BACKYARD--VO:  

Here's the bride burger and groom burger, and uh, go on over and see 

the juggler!  ANNIE:  A dream wedding!  A barbecue wedding!)  This is a 

better idea than The Steak Pit!



ANNIE

Yeah.



GEORGE

We'll get some picnic tables and crepe paper and balloons...You know, 

and invite all our best pals...I'll make my famous guacamole...A 

wedding at home...This is a great idea.



SCENE 15



NINA

Great idea.  Picnic tables, crepe paper, balloons...You at the 

barbecue...Oh, George...



GEORGE

What don't you like about that?



NINA

Why have you been acting so crazy since the moment Annie told you she 

was getting married?



GEORGE

I haven't been acting crazy.  I've simply been acting like any normal, 

red-blooded, American dad.



NINA

Normal?  Uh-huh.  Okay.  Falling into the MacKenzie's pool.  Suggesting 

The Steak Pit as a wedding reception.  Oh, watching "America's Most 

Wanted" every night looking for Brian's face, and now this picnic 

scenario?  George, a wedding is a big deal.  Everybody seems to 

understand this but you.  And as a matter of fact, now don't go nuts 

when I tell you this, but when Brian's Mom called with their list, she 

suggested that they might just want to pitch in and help with the cost 

of the wedding.



GEORGE

No.  Hey!  We may not have a house the size of Rhode Island but we're 

not poverty stricken.  We can certainly afford to give our daughter a 

proper wedding.



NINA

Proper?  Not you in a chef's hat, right George?



GEORGE

Who said anything about a chef's hat?  When did this come up?



NINA

Yeah, but I know you.  I'm close.  Oh look, I just really saw this 

whole thing differently.  I wanted to call a wedding coordinator to 

make the whole thing really, really beautiful and you want to call Gabe 

at The Steak Pit!



GEORGE

Wait a minute.  A wedding coordinator?  What's a wedding coordinator?



NINA

A person who coordinates weddings.



GEORGE

What's to coordinate?  



NINA

Well, there's the invitations, and the flowers, the food, the band, the 

photographer, George, why are you giving me that look again?  A lot of 

people hire wedding coordinators.



GEORGE

Nina, you and I run two successful businesses.  We can certainly pull 

together one smallish wedding.  Now we don't need some fancy wedding 

coordinator.



NINA

Okay, George.  Let's just forget it, okay?  Because I just really can't 

take this.  I'm not used to all this arguing.



GEORGE

I'm not arguing.



NINA

So just...do me a favor, okay George?  Just go on upstairs and I'll 

finish up down here.



GEORGE

All right.  Fine.  Fine.  I'll go upstairs.  However, I would like to 

remind you what happened to what's his name down the street.  His 

daughter got married and the thing practically broke him.  Remember?



NINA

I remember.



GEORGE

You and I could end up shuffling along the sidewalk in our 

bathrobes...That was a joke.



NINA

Hilarious!



GEORGE

Oh, all right.  I'll go.  I'll meet the wedding coordinator.  You know 

I don't want to, but I'll go.  If you still want me to go, all right?  



NINA

Mm hm.



GEORGE

Okay?



NINA

Okay.



SCENE 16



GEORGE

Now let me do the talking, girls, okay?  



ANNIE

Huh?



GEORGE

Well, I negotiate better than you.  Now what's this guy's name?



NINA

Franck.



GEORGE

Frank.



ANNIE

Franck.



GEORGE

Franck?



ANNIE

Franck.  Oh, this is it.



NINA

Okay.  Here we go.



ANNIE

Mom!



NINA

Oh!  This is just amazing.  Oh my, Annie.  Look.  Look at this trim.  

Isn't this beautiful?  Pearls.



ANNIE

Oh, Mom.  Look at this one.



NINA

Annie?  



ANNIE

Yeah?

NINA

Do you like this plate set?



ANNIE

Oh, it's beautiful.



HOWARD

That china also comes in a wonderful Sarah Lee!



NINA

Hi.  You must be Franck?



HOWARD

I wish.  I'm Franck's assistant.  Howard Weinstein.  



NINA

Well, I'm Nina Banks and this is Annie.



ANNIE

Hi.



NINA

The bride.  And George, my husband.



GEORGE

How do you do?



HOWARD

May I offer anyone any refreshments?  Pelagrino?  Expresso?  Champagne?



NINA

Oh, uh....



GEORGE

No.



NINA

No.



HOWARD

I'll alert the boss that you're here.  Look around.  Have fun.



NINA

Oh!  Oh, this is so great!  Annie?



ANNIE

Yeah.



NINA

Wouldn't this be perfect for you?



ANNIE

Oh, it's gorgeous.  Look how it goes with the crystal.



FRANCK

Mr. and Mrs. Banks and the lovely bride!  Hello!  Hello!  It's a 

pleasure to meet you.  Howard has offered you something to drink, I 

hope?



NINA &

ANNIE

Oh yeah.



FRANCK

Oh!  The bride!  The bride!  The bride!



GEORGE

(VO)

Right away I realized this was a mistake of gargantuan proportions.  

This guy was going to coordinate our wedding?  How?  With subtitles?



FRANCK

Oh, please.  Come with me and we'll talk about your big day!  The big 

day for the bride!  Papa-la, come on!  Oh, sit down...on my own design.  

I designed that, it's very nice, I think.  Now, so you have not made up 

your list yet, but you know that you want the wedding at home on 

January 6th, right?



ANNIE

Uh-huh.



NINA

Yes.



GEORGE

Excuse me?

NINA

Yes.  We would.  We'd like a wedding at home on January the 6th.



FRANCK

Mm.  I love the weddings at the homes.  They're very personable.  Very 

warm and very comfortable.  So, January 6th, give us seven months.  Oh-

oh, hello!  That's five months!  Five months not much, but...that don't 

bother me so much because it's a little bit tight but we can do it and 

it will be spectacular!  So now, let's see.  This is what I suggest.  I 

suggest that we select a cake first.  



NINA

Okay.



FRANCK

Because the cake more often determines what kind of wedding that you 

end up having.  So let's just choose a cake, okay?



NINA

Okay.



GEORGE

Choose...Choose...Choose the what?



ANNIE

The cake, Dad.



FRANCK

Thank you dear assistant.  This one.  So this is a very popular cake 

with many of the fashionable weddings, you know?  And this...I just 

don't do anymore.  And this is fabulous.



NINA

Oh.  Oh, that is incredible!  Annie, that's just like the one we saw in 

the magazine.



ANNIE

Do you like it Dad?



GEORGE

Well, what is that?  Is that dollars?  $1,200?



FRANCK

Well, Mr. Banks.  This is a very reasonable price for a cake of this 

magnitude.



GEORGE

A cake, Franck, is made of flour and water.  My first car didn't cost 

$1,200.  



FRANCK

Well, welcome to the nineties, Mr. Banks!



GEORGE

(VO)

Not only did I not understand a syllable this guy was saying, now I had 

the feeling he was putting me down.



NINA

Excuse me, but um...Franck, could we please have a second?



FRANCK

Of course.  Take some seconds.  Howard, let's return calls.



SCENE 17



NINA

All right, George.  What's the problem?  Do you want to leave?



GEORGE

Do you?



NINA

No, I like him.  I think he's going to make this a beautiful wedding.  



ANNIE

Don't look at me.  You guys decide.



NINA

Give the man a chance, George.  Please?  Annie, do you like this cake?



ANNIE

It is incredible, Dad.



GEORGE

Well, all right.  But let's just...



NINA

We're going to, George.  We're going to hold things down.



ANNIE

We just...We won't go nuts.



GEORGE

Thank you.  Franck?



FRANCK

Coming!



GEORGE

We'll take the cake.



FRANCK

Oh, good.  Good.  Don't worry, Mr. Banks.  I'm going to bring the crew 

over to the house and give it every thing that we have in the once over 

department and in the end you'll be very, very happy.  Trust me.  You 

just smile away.  Now, interesting idea.  



NINA

Yes?



FRANCK

We've got to determine the theme and color of the wedding.  This is how 

I see it.  I think we go very elegant inside the church, you know?



GEORGE

(VO)

With one swift move, I'd been cut out of the deal.  Annie, Nina, and 

Franck were in charge now.  



FRANCK

And beautiful china...Spode!  And crystal to drop over dead for!



GEORGE

(VO)

Old Dad was history.



SCENE 18



GEORGE

(VO)

A few days later I was at work, relieved for once not to be talking 

about the wedding.



GEORGE

I wore those 750 trainers over the weekend.



DAVID

Are they still stiff?



GEORGE

Uh, I think they need a softer midsole.



SALESMAN

Just back from the Orient, ladies, and I've got a new shipment, 

beautiful merchandise.  Gucci, Cartier, Louis Vuitton.  



WOMAN

I've never heard of Louis Vuitton.



SALESMAN

He's big, darling, believe me...or they wouldn't be knocking 'em off.  

Don't worry, Mr. Banks.  They're on a break.



OLIVIA

George?  It's Franck's office.  Line two.



GEORGE

Uh, maybe I could see those mock ups by Friday, David?  Thanks.



GEORGE

(VO)

This was the call I'd been dreading since I heard the words, "wedding 

coordinator."

GEORGE

Hello?



HOWARD

Mr. Banks, this is Howard Weinstein.  Franck's Executive Assistant.  

I...ave...your estimate for you.



GEORGE

I can barely hear you.



HOWARD

I'm in my car...going through...Water...Canyon...Call you back?



GEORGE

No.  No.  No.  I want the estimate.  How much?  What's the damage?



HOWARD

Well, everything from the flowers to the honeymoon limo...



GEORGE

Okay, everything.  How much?



HOWARD

...dred and...ifty...a...ead...



GEORGE

You're breaking up.  It sounded like you said a hundred and fifty a 

head.



HOWARD

No...no...



GEORGE

Good.  I was about to kill myself.



HOWARD

It's two hundred and fifty a head.



SCENE 19



GEORGE

Get me Nina at work.



OLIVIA

She just called.



GEORGE

I need the final head count.



OLIVIA

She just gave it to me.



GEORGE

What is it?  One-fifty?



OLIVIA

Five hundred and seventy-two.



SCENE 20



GEORGE

Two hundred and fifty dollars a head means that for the four of us to 

attend this wedding in our own home will cost one thousand dollars.  

Therefore, we are not getting up from this table until we cut this list 

down to the bare minimum.  Now, invite as many people as you want to 

the church.  Pack 'em in.  Build a grandstand if you want, but we are 

not having more than one hundred and fifty people in this house on the 

day of the wedding.  All right, let's start eliminating.



NINA

Okay.  Jim Pepper and wife.



GEORGE

Oh, great.  Start with one of my guys.



NINA

Fine!  Will start with one of mine.  I'll cut Steve and Stephanie 

Turell.  They're very good clients of mine...



GEORGE

Say no more, they're history.  



NINA

All right.  Jim Pepper and wife.

GEORGE

I've known the guy for twenty years.



NINA

You haven't seen him in fifteen, George.



GEORGE

All right.  I'll say I lost his address.  Now here's somebody.  Your 

cousin Betsy.  The poet/waitress/picture framer.



NINA

We can't cut family.  They know about the wedding.



MATT

I only invited one person:  Cameron.  Mom said I could have a friend 

there.



GEORGE

For two hundred and fifty bucks you can see Cameron after the wedding.  

All right, very good.  Five down.  We're rolling.



NINA

All right, what about Harry Kirby?  We haven't seen him in ages.



GEORGE

I don't know.



ANNIE

Didn't Harry Kirby die last year?



GEORGE

Yes!  Good!  Oh, well...sorry.



MATT

Who's Frank Eglehoffer?



GEORGE

What?



NINA

He's coordinating the wedding and then we're not going to invite him?



GEORGE

Exactly!  Do you think I'm going to pay a guy fifteen-percent, plus an 

hourly, plus an additional five hundred dollars to feed him and that 

assistant of his?  Have you lost your mind?



MATT

Can I put Cameron back on the list if he promises not to eat?



GEORGE

You know, that's not a bad idea.  Who else can we ask not to eat?  My 

parents...your mother.



ANNIE

Why don't we just charge people?  That way we can make money on the 

wedding!



NINA

Annie?  Annie...



GEORGE

I was kidding.



SCENE 21



GEORGE

"How to Give a Beautiful Wedding on a Small Budget."  "Bake your own 

wedding Cake."  "Find a good tailor and copy a designer dress."  "Have 

a friend take the pictures."  



GEORGE

(VO)

From that moment on, I decided to shut my mouth and go with the flow.



SCENE 22



GEORGE

(VO)

My first move was to get the old tuxedo out of mothballs.



GEORGE

Hey, lookin' good, my man!  Git down!  Hey!  What's new 

pussycat...whoa-a-whoa-whoa...What's new pussycat...whoa-a-whoa-whoa...



NINA

George?  Annie, he's up here!



GEORGE

Hey...Pussycat, pussycat, I love you...Indeed I do...Yes I do!  Hey, 

what do you think?  Bought it in '75 and it still fits.



ANNIE

Like a glove.



NINA

Yeah...it's just a...way to go.  Maybe...maybe you could get a new tux.  

We're all wearing new clothes and...



GEORGE

What?  Don't you think I look cute?  I mean, there will be a lot of 

single gals there.



ANNIE

Oh...I'll get it.



NINA

Oh...Oh...By the way.  Good news.  The church is free.



GEORGE

Oh, finally something is free.



NINA

I meant available.



SCENE 23



FRANCK

Oh, it's adorable...Oh, it's very nice...Very romantic.  We change it 

all, though.  Let's go.



GEORGE

(VO)

Franck and his crew had arrived to finalize all the details of the 

wedding.  First was an audition for a band singer.  Just as I was about 

to say, "Don't call us, we'll call you," I heard...



FRANCK

Howard, we'll have to move out all of the furniture if we'll have any 

sort of room in here...Ooh.  This is a nice statement.  It's...lots of 

fun.  Mrs. Banks, one question...



GEORGE

Howard.  Franck was saying something about moving out the furniture?



HOWARD

We have to move it out if we're going to fit more than two hundred 

bodies in here.



GEORGE

But what if someone wants to sit down?



HOWARD

We bring in chairs.



GEORGE

Well, if you're bringing in chairs, then why are you moving the 

furniture out?



FRANCK

Mr. Banks, I do this for a living, you know?  Trust me.  A moving van 

must take everything out.  Yes, it's another expensive...oh sure, 

yeah...but it's what we need.  Annie?  Mrs. Banks?  



NINA

Uh-huh?



FRANCK

Come this way, please.  So, what do you think of tailor?  We do have 

other tuxes.



GEORGE

Well, I'd like to see him.



FRANCK

Good.  That should be no problem.  Gather around, everyone.  My best 

friend in the whole world, Hank Burnewsky.



ANTHONY

Greetings.



ANNIE

Hi.



NINA &

GEORGE

Hi.



FRANCK

I need to take a minute of your time to discuss the menu.



GEORGE

The man-yu?  The man-yu?  Remind me.



NINA

The menu.



GEORGE

The menu!  Yes!



FRANCK

Unfortunately, Hank doesn't speak English, so I'll translate.



GEORGE

Franck, that'll be a big help.



*Franck and Hank discuss the menu.



FRANCK

This is what Hank suggests.  For the main course he wants to serve 

veal.



ANNIE

Oh, really?  I have a problem with that.



GEORGE

With what?



ANNIE

With veal.  I keep reading there's a lot of inhumane treatment in the 

way they treat the calves.



FRANCK

I read that, too.  Very chic.  No problem.  *Franck translates to Hank.  

So then there's seafood which is also chic, or fowl which is not chic 

but cheap.



GEORGE

(VO)

Cheap.  Finally a word I understood.  My first and last piece of good 

news.



WOMAN

Mrs. Banks?



NINA

Yes?



WOMAN

One last thing.  



GEORGE

What is he doing?



HOWARD

We need more amps to light the house and the tent.  It's cheaper than 

bringing in a new line.



WOMAN

In terms of the florals out front.  We're going to color coordinate 

with the swans, right?



GEORGE

Swans?



NINA

Well, yes.  I think it'd be wonderful.

WOMAN

Perfect.



GEORGE

We're having swans?



ANNIE

Franck thought it would be great to have swans waddling around the 

tulip border, you know, as the guest enter.  It would be really 

romantic...



GEORGE

Nina, we don't have a tulip border.



WOMAN

You will.



FRANCK

Mr. Banks, we have a problem.  Hank does not want to do the chicken.



GEORGE

He doesn't what?



MAN

Franck, is the tent back through here?



GEORGE

I've been meaning to fix that.  You have to push, then pull.



MAN

Oh.



FRANCK

Oh, now let's not panic about anything, let's see.  Oh, that's only a 

scratch, we can fix that.  Now, Mr. Banks, please, about the seafood.  

Hank wants to know if it's okay or not to cook.



GEORGE

No Franck.  Tell Hank it's not okay.  If I have to move out all the 

furniture and add amps and repaint the walls and get a new tux and pay 

for swans, then I'd like the cheaper chicken.  Is that clear?



FRANCK

I understood the "cheaper" part.  (Franck talks to Hank).  Well, that's 

it.  Hank says he will think about this.  Now, we do not want to lose 

him.  He is a genius and we need his mind, okay?  So, I'll see what I 

can do.  Hank?  Hank?



HOWARD

I see you're starting to lose it, but I have one more question, very 

simple, about the parking attendants.  Four is comfortable, three is 

acceptable, anything less absolutely terrifies me.  



GEORGE

Two.



HOWARD

Two.



NINA

George?  



GEORGE

Two.



FRANCK

Hank says if you want the fowl, he isn't interested.  He passes.



ANNIE

He passes?



BRIAN

Hey Dad!  How's it going?  I came to get my sneakers.  I left them in 

Annie's room last night.



GEORGE

(VO)

I was beginning to feel like I was having an out of body experience.  I 

had to get out of the house, and fast.  Nina said as long as I was 

escaping would I mind escaping to the market and picking up something 

for dinner.  Sure.  That was all I needed.  A busy supermarket.  I 

needed to drive, mellow out, get my mind off the wedding.

SCENE 24



GEORGE

(VO)

But mellowing out was not in the cards.



STOCK

BOY

Excuse me, sir, but what are you doing?



GEORGE

I'll tell you what I'm doing.  I want to buy eight hot dogs and eight 

hot dog buns to go with them.  But no one sells eight hot dog buns.  

They only sell twelve hot dog buns.  So I end up paying for four buns I 

don't need.  So I am removing the superfluous buns.



STOCK

BOY

I'm sorry, sir.  But you're going to have to pay for all twelve buns.  

They're not marked individually.



GEORGE

Yeah.  And you want to know why?  Because some big-shot over at the 

wiener company got together with some big-shot over at the bun company 

and decided to rip off the American public.  Because they think the 

American public is a bunch of trusting nit-wits who will pay for 

everything they don't need rather than make a stink!



MANAGER

Get me security.



GEORGE

Well, they're not ripping off this nit-wit anymore because I'm not 

paying for one more thing I don't need!  George Banks is saying no!



STOCK

BOY

Who's George Banks?



GEORGE

Me!



MANAGER

Why don't we just calm down now, sir.



GEORGE

I'll tell you why "we" don't calm down, because you're not excited!  It 

takes two people for a "we" to calm down, doesn't it?



MANAGER

Uh, that I don't know, sir.  I'm just the assistant manager of a 

supermarket.  But I'll tell you this.  If you don't pipe down and pay 

for those buns, I'm going to call the police.



GEORGE

Oh...right!  Yeah!  Uh-huh.  Yeah.  Right!



MANAGER

That's right.



GEORGE

Right!



MANAGER

Hey!



GEORGE

Right!



MANAGER

Hey!  Come here!  Come here!  Come here!











SCENE 25



GEORGE

(VO)

That was the low point.  Flipping out over four hot dog buns.  I 

couldn't figure out why I'd gotten so nuts.  Why the wedding had me so 

unglued.



OFFICER

Banks.  Your wife is here.



GEORGE

Aren't you going to let me out?



OFFICER

She wants to talk to you first.



GEORGE

She wants to talk to me first?



NINA

Hello George.



GEORGE

Why do you look happy to see me in here, Nina?



NINA

Happy?  No.  No.  No.  I'm not happy, George.  You think I was happy to 

tell everyone that I had to come down to the city jail and bail you out 

for stealing hot dog buns?



GEORGE

I wasn't stealing them!



NINA

Ah!



GEORGE

I was just...



NINA

Ah!  I'm going to have to ask you not to talk or I'll have to call 

Officer whatshisname over there.  You've been more than I can handle, 

George.  Annie's wedding is not a conspiracy against you.  It's just a 

wedding.  People have them every day in every country in the world.  I 

know it's going to be expensive.  But, we don't go to Europe.  We don't 

own fancy cars.  I don't own expensive jewelry, so we can afford to 

have a big wedding.



GEORGE

Nina...



NINA

I'll get you out of here on one condition, Banks.  That you'll agree to 

the following.  Now repeat after me.  "I, George Stanley Banks..."



GEORGE

I, George Stanley Banks...



NINA

"...promise to pull it together and act my age."



GEORGE

...promise to pull it together and act my age.



NINA

"I will stop hyperventilating, rolling my eyes, unbuttoning my top 

collar button..."



GEORGE

I don't unbutton my top collar...



NINA

Oh, yeah?  No...You mean, like this bit?



GEORGE

...stop hyperventilating, rolling my eyes, and unbuttoning my top 

collar button.



NINA

"I will stop making faces in general and I will definitely stop telling 

everybody how much this wedding is costing."



GEORGE

I don't tell everyone how much it costs!



NINA

He told you, right?



OFFICER

Two hundred and fifty a head?



GEORGE

Oh, well, thanks!  



NINA

"I will try to remember my daughter's feelings and how with every roll 

of my eyes, I am taking away a piece of her happiness."



GEORGE

I love you, Nina.



NINA

Just repeat the last part for me, George.



GEORGE

I will try to remember my daughter's feelings and how with every roll 

of my eyes, I am taking away a piece of her happiness.



NINA

I love you, too.  Let's go home.



SCENE 26



NINA

Annie!  Brian!  Look!  It's a present!  It's your first present!



ANNIE

Our first present.  I can't believe it.



BRIAN

Our second one should be here any minute.  



ANNIE

Wow!  How do you know?



BRIAN

Well, I asked them to bring it over.



GEORGE

Oh, so this is when we give the presents?  Great.  Uh, good...I'll be 

right back.



BRIAN

Where's he going?



NINA

Maybe he got a present for you.



ANNIE

You know about this?



NINA

I haven't got a clue.



SCENE 27



JOHN

Look at this!



ANNIE

This is for us?  Thank you so much!



GEORGE

Yikes.  A whole car.



ANNIE

Dad?  Dad, did you see what the MacKenzies got us?



GEORGE

It's unbelievable.  And you thought you'd never have a new car.



ANNIE

I know!  What's that?



GEORGE

It's...nothing.  It's just a gift I was thinking of giving you guys.  

It's something you said you didn't have but you want.

ANNIE

Can I see it?



GEORGE

Yeah.  Well...it's not a big, big gift, of course.



ANNIE

It's a cappuccino maker!



GEORGE

It's supposed to be a good one.  That's what they said at the store.  

It's...uh...top of the line.  It makes great foam.



ANNIE

I couldn't love anything more.



GEORGE

(VO)

My feelings exactly.



SCENE 28



MAN

All right, Mr. Banks.  Here you go.  A forty long.  It's gorgeous even 

on the hanger!  Now this is an actual Georgio Armani.  The real McCoy.  

Don't ask how I got it.  But here it is.



SCENE 29



GEORGE

Nina, we have great friends, you know that.  I mean, these are not your 

run of the mill salad bowls, these are primo gifts.  (Copying Franck):  

As a mutter of fact, I am so happy we have decided to surve the very 

chic but expensive seefoot at our very fushnaboil watting.  (To Annie):  

Ah!  De bootiful broide.  Good news!  You have received another very 

loovely, too good to be true, silver tea set.  What's the matter?



ANNIE

Send it back.  



GEORGE

Come on.  Whad'yoo mean?



ANNIE

Daddy, I'm not kidding.  Send them all back.  The wedding's off!



SCENE 30



GEORGE

Ann?  Annie?



ANNIE

I'm sorry, Dad.  But I'm not going to marry Brian.



GEORGE

Okay.  Okay.  Whatever you want is okay with us.



ANNIE

I feel so awful after everything you guys have done.  Now I have to 

undo it all.



GEORGE

Don't worry about it.  These things get canceled all the time.  Your 

mother and I can take care of everything.  What happened?  Another 

girl?



ANNIE

Oh, look at your shirt.



GEORGE

Don't worry.



ANNIE

No, it wasn't anything like that.  It started out as nothing really.  

He gave me a present.  It's our eight month anniversary today and he 

gave me...just look!  He said it was for me.  For our apartment.  Just 

look.



GEORGE

It's a blender.



ANNIE

Yeah.  Exactly.  I mean, I didn't want to act thrown or anything, but 

inside I was.  I mean, I thought something for the apartment...maybe a 

new clock, or a cool phone, or a great art book, or something...but a 

blender?  I mean, what is this?  1958?  Give the little wife a blender?  

I mean, it scared me, you know?  In terms of his expectations.  I 

started to freak out and he asked me what was wrong and I asked him 

what a gift like this is supposed to be telling me and he said nothing 

and I didn't believe him and we got into this big fight.  And he said I 

was overreacting.  And I said why would I overreact?  Nobody in my 

family overreacts.  And then, he came up with this totally absurd 

story, this completely outrageous lie and I'm looking at him and I'm 

thinking, this man's a liar!



GEORGE

What did he lie about?



ANNIE

Oh, actually it was something about you.  



GEORGE

Me?



ANNIE

He said the day that you and Mom went to go visit his folks...this is 

so ridiculous!  He said that you were snooping around his dad's desk 

and you somehow found his dad's bankbook...Oh no!  First he said you 

broke some mirror in their bathroom.  And then you found his dad's 

bankbook and you somehow threw it in their pool.  I mean, it's too 

ridiculous.  The man lies!



GEORGE

Come in.



NINA

Annie, Brian's downstairs.



ANNIE

I don't want to see him.



NINA

He looks awful.



ANNIE

Good.



GEORGE

Excuse me.



GEORGE

(VO)

I thought maybe I should help smooth things over.  So I took Brian out 

for a drink.  I thought we could have a talk...



SCENE 31



GEORGE

(VO)

...man to man.  But as I sat there and listened to his side of the 

story, I realized this was a golden opportunity.  If I ever wanted to 

get rid of Brian MacKenzie, this was my chance.



BRIAN

You know those banana shakes she likes to make, right?  Well, that's 

why I thought she'd like a blender.  I guess I can see her point.  A 

blender does suggest a certain 1950's reference to sexual politics.  

But I swear it never entered my consciousness at the time.



GEORGE

I believe you.  



BRIAN

You do?  Would you tell Annie that for me, Dad?



GEORGE

(VO)

This was where I was going to lower the boom.  But instead, I found 

myself looking into his weepy eyes and found myself saying...

GEORGE

Sure, I'll tell her.



BRIAN

Oh good.  'Cause I know that whatever you say, she'll believe.



GEORGE

(VO)

Not only was I not getting rid of the kid, I now found myself talking 

him into staying.



GEORGE

You know, Brian...Annie is a very passionate person and passionate 

people tend to overreact at times.  Annie comes from a long line of 

major overreactors.  Me.  I can definitely lose it.  My mother...a nut.  

My grandfather...stories about him are legendary.  The good news, 

however, is that this overreacting tends to get proportionately less by 

generation, so your kids could be normal.



GEORGE

(VO)

As if that wasn't enough, I went on!



GEORGE

But on the upside, with this passion comes great spirit and 

individuality which is probably one of the reasons you love Annie.



BRIAN

That's what I love most about her.



GEORGE

(VO)

That's when it hit me like a Mac truck.  Annie was just like me, and 

Brian was just like Nina.  



SCENE 32



GEORGE

(VO)

They were a perfect match.



ANNIE

Dad, I can't believe you took him out.  What did he say?  I mean, you 

don't have to tell me.  What?



GEORGE

Honey, I just spent an hour with Brian and believe me when I tell you 

that this gift says nothing about how he feels about you.  It's just a 

thing to put in the kitchen.  He thought you might want to blend 

something one day and that's all.



ANNIE

And you believe that?



GEORGE

Completely.  He's downstairs now.  His heart is breaking.  Please go 

see him.  And also, that story he told you about me and the bankbook 

and the swimming pool...



ANNIE

Yeah?  What?



GEORGE

It's true.



ANNIE

Oh Brian.



BRIAN

Oh Annie.  I'm so sorry about the blender.  I see your point.  It was 

incredibly insensitive of me.



ANNIE

No...It's okay.  I want it.  It's my first anniversary present.  I'm so 

sorry about calling you a worm.  My Dad told me everything.



BRIAN

When I thought I was never going to see you again.  If it wasn't for 

your father.



ANNIE

I know.  I know.  I love you.



BRIAN

Me, too.



GEORGE

Everything fine now?  Good, I'll just go...



SCENE 33



BRIAN

Annie!



ANNIE

Hi Brian.  Come on up.



GEORGE

(VO)

Well, we made it to January.  It was the day before the big day.  The 

Farmer's Almanac predicted this week was going to be the coldest L.A. 

had seen in over half a century.  But we were so busy none of us had 

time to notice.



SCENE 34



MATT

Right, together.  Left, together...Right, together.  Left, 

together...Right, together.  Left, together...



GEORGE

What's the matter?  You're up pretty late, aren't ya?



MATT

Yeah.  I know.  I'm just practicing.  I wish I didn't have to walk Mom 

down the aisle.



GEORGE

Don't worry, you'll be great.



MATT

Is it right together, left or left together, right?



GEORGE

Come on, let's try it.  Let's see, we go right, together, left 

together.  Right, together, left, together.  Good.  Matty.  I'm sorry 

if I've been preoccupied lately with this wedding.  



MATT

It's okay.



GEORGE

Yeah, but I have, haven't I?



MATT

It's all right.  I understand.



GEORGE

Yeah, but ...



MATT

Yeah, you have.  But I haven't felt ignored or anything.  Don't worry, 

Dad.  No permanent damage done.



GEORGE

Well, good.



ANNIE

(On the phone):  It's really cute and cozy and in a great neighborhood.  

You'll see it.  I'm really excited.  But I've got all this packing to 

do and this room looks so different.



MATT

It's going to be weird, isn't it?  Just you, me, and Mom here now.



GEORGE

Yeah.  Come on.  Goodnight, pal.  Sleep tight.



MATT

Good luck tomorrow, Dad.



GEORGE

Yeah, you too.



MATT

Annie?



ANNIE

Yeah?



MATT

Goodnight.



ANNIE

Goodnight, Matty.  I love you.



MATT

I love you, too.



SCENE 35



ANNIE

Did I wake you?



GEORGE

No, I was up.  So what are you doing?



ANNIE

I couldn't sleep.  I just kept thinking about how this was my last 

night in my bed...in my house...kinda like my last night as a kid.  I 

mean, I've lived here since I was five and I feel like I'm supposed to 

turn in my key tomorrow.  It was so strange packing up my room.  You 

know how you have always trained me never to throw anything away.  So 

like I have all these ratty stuffed animals and yearbooks...my old 

retainer...all my old magic tricks.  And I actually packed it all.  I 

just didn't want to let it go.  I mean, I know I can't stay, but it's 

like I don't want to leave.  



GEORGE

Well, that's the thing about life...is uh, the surprises.  The little 

things that sneak up on you and grab hold of you.  Still happens to me.



ANNIE

Yikes.  What is this?



GEORGE

I don't believe it.



ANNIE

Oh my God.  Talk about surprises.



GEORGE

It hasn't snowed in L.A. since I was nine.



ANNIE

Mom's gonna die.  What?  What is that face?  



GEORGE

No.  Nothing.  I was just thinking.



ANNIE

Oh, this is going to end up costing you more money.



GEORGE

No.  How I know I'll remember this moment for the rest of my life.



SCENE 36



GEORGE

(VO)

When you live in a city that hasn't seen snow in thirty-six years, it's 

bound to cause a few problems.  First, we panicked and brought in extra 

heaters.  But they were melting the ice sculptures so they had to go.  

The florist had to thaw out our newly planted tulips with a hair dryer.  

Franck and Howard shoveled our path themselves at no extra charge.  



FRANCK

Just keep shoveling!  Don't stop!





GEORGE

(VO)

And the swans spent the morning in a lukewarm bath.  Other than that, 

we were almost running on schedule.  



GEORGE

Nina!  It's after three!



HOWARD

All I can say is, thank God snow is white.  It works.  Know what I 

mean?



GEORGE

Sure.  Franck, do you have that needle and thread?



FRANCK

Here you go, George.  We'll fix you right up.  Howard, you have to go 

to the church.



HOWARD

I'm on my way.



FRANCK

Oh oh.  I bring the wrong color thread.  I assumed you'd be wearing a 

black tuxedo.



GEORGE

It is a block tuxado.



FRANCK

I don't think so, babe.  This tux is navy blue!



GEORGE

What are you talking about?  Armani doesn't make a blue tuxedo.



FRANCK

Armani don't also make polyester.



GEORGE

Franck, where are the cars?  We're supposed to be there by now.



FRANCK

Where are those cars?



NINA

All right.  Relax, honey.  Everything is going to be just fine.  At 

least we know they can't start without us.



GEORGE

(VO)

I knew I'd never be able to remember what Nina wore that day.  But I 

also knew I'd never forget the way she looked.



GEORGE

Nina.



NINA

Thank you, George.



GEORGE

You shouldn't look this beautiful.  It's not fair to the bride.



FRANCK

Cars is here!  Matthew, front and center!



MATT

Just kidding.



NINA

What did you do to your hair, honey?



MATT

I gelled it.  You don't like it?



NINA

Oh no, I think it looks...cool.



GEORGE

Very debonair, old boy.



MATT

Thank you.



NINA

Okay.  We'll go in the first car and you and Annie follow.

GEORGE

Right.



NINA

George.



GEORGE

Oh, I follow.  Ann!  Annie?



ANNIE

I'm ready.  Come on in.



GEORGE

You look beautiful.



ANNIE

Thanks.  Okay.  Let's get this show on the road.



SCENE 37



GEORGE

We're here!



NINA

Oh!



ANNIE

Hi!



HOWARD

Come on, everyone.  I need the ushers first.



NINA

George!



GEORGE

Left together, right together.



MATT

Got it, Dad.



GEORGE

Let me see that.



MATT

See?



NINA

Let's do this, okay?  I love you.



ANNIE

I love you, too.



HOWARD

Mother of the bride...father of the bride...we've got to go.



NINA

George?



HOWARD

Let's go.  Line up.  Mother of the bride?  Come on, mother of the 

bride.  Here we go.  I'm opening the doors.  Natashia, haven't you 

peeked enough?  Here we go.  Come on, let's go.  

And...left...right...very nice...Right and left...Right and left...



GEORGE

(VO)

This was the moment I had been dreading for the past six months.  Well, 

actually for the past twenty-two years.



ANNIE

Hold on, Dad.



GEORGE

(VO)

Annie overwhelmed me.  She was as calm and cool as I had ever seen her.  

Very unBanks-like.



ANNIE

Okay.



REVEREND

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together in the presence of 

family, friends and loved ones, for the purpose of uniting in 

matrimony...



GEORGE

(VO)

All I could think of was the part I had to play.  Then suddenly I went 

blank.  I had one line and I couldn't remember it.  When the Reverend 

said, "Who presents this woman?" was I supposed to say, "That's me" or 

was it "I do"?  I couldn't think.  I felt every eye in place boring 

into the back of my neck, waiting for me to screw up, when suddenly, it 

was upon me.



REVEREND

Who presents this woman in holy matrimony?



GEORGE

I do.



REVEREND

Annie and Brian, you have come here today to join your hands...



GEORGE

(VO)

Who presents this woman?  This "woman."  But she's not a woman, she's 

just a kid.  And she's leaving us.



REVEREND

...with the deep realization of it's obligations and responsibilities.



GEORGE

(VO)

I realized at that moment that I was never going to come again and see 

Annie at the top of the stairs.  Never going to see her again at our 

breakfast table in her nightgown and socks.  I suddenly realized what 

was happening.  Annie was all grown up and leaving us, and something 

inside began to hurt.



REVEREND

"I, Brian MacKenzie..."



BRIAN

I, Brian MacKenzie...



REVEREND

"...take thee, Annie Banks..."



BRIAN

...take thee, Annie Banks...



REVEREND

"...to be my lawful wedded wife."



BRIAN

...to be my lawful wedded wife.



REVEREND

"To love and to comfort from this day forward."



BRIAN

To love and to comfort from this day forward.



REVEREND

"I, Annie Banks..."



ANNIE

I, Annie Banks...



REVEREND

"...take thee, Brian MacKenzie..."



ANNIE

...take thee, Brian MacKenzie..."



REVEREND

"...to be my lawful wedded husband."



ANNIE

...to be my lawful wedded husband.



REVEREND

"To love and to comfort from this day forward."



ANNIE

To love and to comfort from this day forward.



REVEREND

The ring, please.  "With this ring, as a token of my love and 

affection, I thee wed."



BRIAN

With this ring, as a token of my love and affection, I thee wed.



REVEREND

"With this ring, as a token of my love and affection, I thee wed."



ANNIE

With this ring, as a token of my love and affection, I thee wed.



REVEREND

By virtue of the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you husband 

and wife.  You may kiss the bride.



GEORGE

(VO)

Well, she did it.



SCENE 38



GEORGE

(VO)

And now as my son said, it's time to party.



SCENE 39



GEORGE

Hi.  How are you?



MAN

Congratulations.  



GEORGE

It's good to see you.



WOMAN

You look wonderful.



GEORGE

(VO)

The house was busting at the seams.  Everywhere I looked there were 

faces.  Most of which, I might add, I'd never seen before.



JOANNA

George, I'd like you to meet the Danish relatives.



GEORGE

Hello!



GEORGE

(VO)

I met Brian's Danish relatives who thanked me profusely for flying them 

over.  Everyone was telling me what a great party it was.  How 

beautiful the house looked.  They loved the flowers, the hors 

d'oeuvres, the swans.  We even seemed to be getting away with only two 

parking attendants.  Everything was running smoothly except for one 

small detail.  I still hadn't kissed the bride.



GEORGE

Where's Annie?



NINA

Annie?  She's having her picture taken.



GEORGE

Hi Ben.  How are you?



PHOTO-

GRAPHER

Okay kids, look at each other.  Very nice.  Now, turn towards me, 

please.



WAITER #1

Sorry, sir.  All traffic has to go through the front door.



GEORGE

Oh, could I have one of those?



WAITER #2

Sorry, just sold my last one.  Hey, a button.  It's navy.  This must be 

yours.



WAITER #3

We're moving into the tent now.  Dinner is served.  This way to the 

tent, please.



GEORGE

Annie!



GEORGE

(VO)

It was unbelievable.  I had never seen a line form so fast.  It was as 

if they knew what the food was costing me.  Finally, I made it into the 

tent.  I was ready to relax and taste the food I had been hearing about 

for the past five months when...



MATT

Dad!  Dad!  There's some cops out front and they want to talk to you.



GEORGE

Cops?



FRANCK

I heard.  We'll handle this together.  I've got  George.  We're on our 

way.  Come on George, pick it up...pick it up.



SCENE 40



FRANCK

Let me handle this, George.  Give me your wallet.



GEORGE

Stop!  What is this?  



MATT

See Cameron?  I told you.



CAMERON

Wow!



OFFICER

Is this your house?



GEORGE

Me?



OFFICER

Yeah, you.  In the blue tux.



GEORGE

Yes.  Yes it is.



OFFICER

Do you have a permit for parking two hundred cars on this street?



FRANCK

You see, the problem is, Officer, we were supposed to have four parking 

attendants, but uh, two got the flu.



OFFICER

Well, you better get these cars off this street before the Fire 

Marshall gets here.



FRANCK

Fine.  Fine.  Any suggestions on what we do with them?



OFFICER

I don't care what you do with them.  Just have them off this street 

within the next thirty minutes.



FRANCK

Will do, Sir.  We'll take care of it.  You're not to worry.  Okay?  Oh, 

uh George...they need me inside.  The big moment.  The cake is being 

wheeled out.



GEORGE

I'll...I'll handle it.  Where are we going to get a couple of extra 

drivers?



CAMERON

By the way, great wedding, Mr. Banks.  And don't worry.  I didn't eat 

anything.



GEORGE

That makes two of us.



SCENE 41



ANNIE

Where is he?



NINA

I don't know.



SCENE 42	George realizes that he has to turn off all of the car's 

headlights.



SCENE 43



GEORGE

(VO)

Well, I had to admit it.  The wedding appeared to be a complete 

success.  Now all I needed to make me happy was a dance with the bride.



HOWARD

It's time.



BAND-

LEADER

Ladies and gentlemen.  In a just a few moments, Mrs. Annie Banks-

MacKenzie will be tossing her bouquet in the foyer, and then she's off 

to Hawaii.



GEORGE

(VO)

This I was not going to miss.  The mob was headed through the living 

room, so I decided to take a shortcut.



SCENE 44



ANNIE

Where's my Dad?



BRIAN

I don't know.  I haven't seen him.



ANNIE

Should I throw it?



NINA

He missed it.



GEORGE

(VO)

She was gone.  My Annie was gone and I was too late to say good-bye.



SCENE 45



GEORGE

(VO)

When the last guest was gone and the last glass of champagne had been 

drunk, we surveyed the damage.



GEORGE

It's funny how empty a house can suddenly get, isn't it?



NINA

I'm sorry you didn't get a chance to say good-bye to her, George.



GEORGE

Oh, that's all right.



NINA

But you know, I think that she's going to be really happy.



GEORGE

Oh yeah.  Sure.  (On telephone):  Hello?



ANNIE

Dad?



GEORGE

Hi!  Where are you?



ANNIE

At the airport.  Our plane's about to take off, but I couldn't leave 

without saying good-bye.  Thank Mom for everything, okay?  And Dad?  I 

love you.  I love you very much.



GEORGE

I love you, too, Sweetheart.  Thanks for calling.  And have a great 

honeymoon.



ANNIE

Thanks.  I will.  Bye.



GEORGE

That was Annie.



NINA

Oh.