英语剧本《安妮·霍尔》

(Sound and Woody Allen monologue begin)



FADE IN:



White credits dissolve in and out on black screen.  No sound.



FADE OUT: credits



FADE IN:



Abrupt medium close-up of Alvy Singer doing a comedy monologue.  He

wearing a crumbled sports jacket and tieless shirt; the background is stark.



  			ALVY         

  	There's an old joke.  Uh, two elderly 

  	women are at a Catskills mountain 

  	resort, and one of 'em says: "Boy, the 

  	food at this place is really terrible." 

  	The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and 

  	such ... small portions." Well, that's 

  	essentially how I feel about life.  Full 

  	of loneliness and misery and suffering 

  	and unhappiness, and it's all over much 

  	too quickly.  The-the other important 

  	joke for me is one that's, uh, usually 

  	attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think 

  	it appears originally in Freud's wit and 

  	its relation to the unconscious.  And it 

  	goes like this-I'm paraphrasing: Uh ... 

  	"I would never wanna belong to any club 

  	that would have someone like me for a 

  	member." That's the key joke of my adult 

  	life in terms of my relationships with 

  	women.  Tsch, you know, lately the 

  	strangest things have been going 

  	through my mind, 'cause I turned forty, 

  	tsch, and I guess I'm going through a 

  	life crisis or something, I don't know. 

  	I, uh ... and I'm not worried about aging.  

  	I'm not one o' those characters, you know. 

  	Although I'm balding slightly on top, that's 

  	about the worst you can say about me.  I, 

  	uh, I think I'm gonna get better as I get 

  	older, you know?  I think I'm gonna be the-

  	the balding virile type, you know, as 

  	opposed to say the, uh, distinguished 

  	gray, for instance, you know?  'Less I'm 

  	neither o' those two. Unless I'm one o' 

  	those guys with saliva dribbling out of 

  	his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria 

  	with a shopping bag screaming about 

  	socialism. 

  		(Sighing) 

  	Annie and I broke up and I-I still can't 

  	get my mind around that.  You know, I-I 

  	keep sifting the pieces of the relationship 

  	through my mind and-and examining my life 

  	and tryin' to figure out where did the 

  	screw-up come, you know, and a year ago we 

  	were... tsch, in love.  You know, and-and-and 

  	... And it's funny, I'm not-I'm not a 

  	morose type.  I'm not a depressive character.  

  	I-I-I, uh, 

  		(Laughing) 

  	you know, I was a reasonably happy kid, 

  	I guess.  I was brought up in Brooklyn 

  	during World War II.



  							CUT TO:



INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE-DAY



Alvy as young boy sits on a sofa with his  mother in an old-fashioned, 

cluttered doctor's office.  The doctor stands near the sofa, holding a 

cigarette and listening.



  			MOTHER 

  		(To the doctor) 

  	He's been depressed.  All off a sudden, 

  	he can't do anything.



  			DOCTOR 

  		(Nodding) 

  	Why are you depressed, Alvy?



  			MOTHER 

  		(Nudging Alvy) 

  	Tell Dr. Flicker. 

  		(Young Alvy sits, his head down.  His 

  		mother answers for him) 

  	It's something he read.



  			DOCTOR 

  		(Puffing on his cigarette and 

  		nodding) 

  	Something he read, huh?  



  			ALVY 

  		(His head still down) 

  	The universe is expanding.



  			DOCTOR 

  	The universe is expanding?



  			ALVY 

  		(Looking up at the doctor) 

  	Well, the universe is everything, and if 

  	it's expanding, someday it will break apart 

  	and that would be the end of everything!



Disgusted, his mother looks at him.



  			MOTHER 

  		(shouting) 

  	What is that your business? 

  		(she turns back to the doctor) 

  	He stopped doing his homework.



  			ALVY 

  	What's the point?



  			MOTHER 

  		(Excited, gesturing with her hands) 

  	What has the universe got to do with it?  

  	You're here in Brooklyn!  Brooklyn is not 

  	expanding!



  			DOCTOR 

  		(Heartily, looking down at Alvy) 

  	It won't be expanding for billions of years 

  	yet, Alvy.  And we've gotta try to enjoy 

  	ourselves while we're here.  Uh?



He laughs.



  							CUT TO:



Fall shot of house with an amusement-park roller-coaster ride built over it. 

A line of cars move up and then slides with great speed while out the window 

of the house a band shakes a dust mop.



  			ALVY'S VOICE 

  	My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood 

  	memories, but I swear I was brought up 

  	underneath the roller-



  							CUT TO:



INT. HOUSE



Alvy as a child sits at the table eating soup and reading a comic book while 

his father sits on the sofa reading the paper.  The house shakes with every 

move of the roller coaster.



  			ALVY'S VOICE 

  	-coaster in the Coney Island section of 

  	Brooklyn.  Maybe that accounts for my 

  	personality, which is a little nervous, I 

  	think.



CUT TO:



Young Alvy at the food-stand concession watching three military men 

representing the Army, the Navy and the Marines arm in arm with a blond woman 

in a skirted bathing suit.  They all turn and run toward the foreground.  The 

girl stops before the camera to lean over and throw a kiss.  The sign over the 

concession reads "Steve's Famous Clam Bar.  Ice Cold Beer, "and the roller 

coaster is moving in full gear in the background.



  			ALVY'S VOICE 

  	You know, I have a hyperactive imagination.  

  	My mind tends to jump around a little, and 

  	have some trouble between fantasy and reality.



  							CUT TO:



Full shot of people in bumper cars thoroughly enjoying bumping into each other 

as Alvy father stands in the center of the track directing traffic.



  			ALVY'S VOICE 

  	My father ran the bumper-car concession. 

  		(Alvy as a child moves into the frame 

  		driving a bumper car.  He stops as other 

  		cars bombard him.  His father continues 

  		to direct the traffic) 

  	There-there he is and there I am.  But I-I-I-I 

  	used to get my aggression out through those 

  	cars all the time.



Alvy backs up his car off screen.



INT. SCHOOLROOM - DAY



The camera pans over three austere-looking teachers standing in front of the 

blackboard.  The chalk writing on the board changes as each teacher lectures. 

While Alvy speaks, one of the male teachers puts an equation on the blackboard.

- "2 X 10 = 20 " and other arithmetic formulas.



  			ALVY'S VOICE 

  	I remember the staff at our public 

  	school.  You know, we had a saying, uh, 

  	that "Those who can't do, teach, and 

  	those who can't teach, teach gym." And 

  	...uh, h'h, of course, those who couldn't 

  	do anything, I think, were assigned to 

  	our school.  I must say-



  							CUT TO:



A female teacher standing in front of an old-fashioned schoolroom.  The 

blackboard behind her reads "Transportation Administration. The camera pans 

her point of view: a group of young students sitting behind their desks.  Alvy 

as a child sits in a center desk wile all around him there is student activity;

there is note-passing, ruler-tapping, nose-picking, gumchewing.



  			ALVY'S VOICE 

  	I always felt my schoolmates were idiots.  

  	Melvyn Greenglass, you know, fat little 

  	face, and Henrietta Farrell, just Miss 

  	Perfect all the time.  And-and Ivan 

  	Ackerman, always the wrong answer.  Always. 



Ivan stands up behind his desk.



  			IVAN 

  	Seven and three is nine.



Alvy hits his forehead with his hand.  Another student glances over at him, 

reacting.



  			ALVY'S VOICE 

  	Even then I knew they were just jerks. 

  		(The camera moves back to the teacher, 

  		who is glaring out at her students) 

  	In nineteen forty-two I had already dis-



As Alvy talks, the camera shows him move from his seat and kiss a young girl.  

She jumps from her seat in disgust, rubbing her cheek, as Alvy moves back to 

his seat.



  			1ST GIRL 

  		(Making noises) 

  	Ugh, he kissed me, he kissed me.



  			TEACHER 

  		(Off screen) 

  	That's the second time this month!  Step 

  	up here!



As the teacher, really glaring now, speaks, Alvy rises from his seat and moves 

over to her.  Angry, she points with her band while the students turn their 

heads to watch what will happen next.



  			ALVY 

  	What'd I do?



  			TEACHER 

  	Step up here!



  			ALVY 

  	What'd I do?



  			TEACHER 

  	You should be ashamed of yourself.



The students, their heads still turned, look back at Alvy, now an adult, 

sitting in the last seat of the second row.



  			ALVY (AS ADULT) 

  		(First off screen, then onscreen as 

  		camera moves over to the back of the 

  		classroom) 

  	Why, I was just expressing a healthy sexual 

  	curiosity.



  			TEACHER 

  		(The younger, Alvy standing next to her) 

  	Six-year-old boys don't have girls on 

  	their minds.



  			ALVY (AS ADULT) 

  		(Still sitting in the back of 

  		the classroom) 

  	I did. 



The girl the young Alvy kissed turns to the older Alvy, she gestures and 

speaks.



  			1ST GIRL 

  	For God's sakes, Alvy, even Freud speaks 

  	of a latency period.



  			ALVY (AS ADULT) 

  		(Gesturing) 

  	Well, I never had a latency period.  I 

  	can't help it.



  			TEACHER

  		(With young, Alvy still at her side) 

  	Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? 

  		(The camera pans over to Donald, 

  		sitting up tall in his seat, then 

  		back to the teacher) 

  	Now, there was a model boy!



  			ALVY (AS CHILD) 

  		(Still standing next to the teacher) 

  	Tell the folks where you are today, Donald.



  			DONALD 

  	I run a profitable dress company.



  			ALVY'S VOICE 

  	Right.  Sometimes I wonder where my 

  	classmates are today.



The camera shows the full classroom, the students sitting behind their desks, 

the teacher standing in the front of the room.  One at a time, the young 

students rise u from their desks and speak.



  			1ST BOY 

  	I'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing Company.



  			2ND BOY 

  	I sell tallises.



  			3RD BOY 

  	I used to be a heroin addict.  Now I'm a 

  	methadone addict. 



  			2ND GIRL 

  		I'm into leather.



INT. ROOM



Close-up of a TV screen showing Alvy as an adult on a talk show.  He sits next 

to the show, host, Dick Cavett, a Navy man sits on his right.  Static is heard 

throughout the dialogue.



  			ALVY 

  	I lost track of most of my old schoolmates, 

  	but I wound up a comedian.  They did not take 

  	me in the Army.  I was, uh ... Interestingly 

  	enough, I was-I was four-P.



Sounds of TV audience laughter and applause are heard.



  			DICK CAVETT 

  	Four-P?



  			ALVY 

  	Yes.  In-in-in-in the event of war, I'm a 

  	hostage.



More audience laughter joined by Dick Cavett and the naval officer.



INT. THE HOUSE WHERE ALVY GREW UP



Alvy's  mother sits at the old-fashioned dining-room table peeling carrots and 

talking as she looks off screen.



  			MOTHER 

  	You always only saw the worst in people.  

  	You never could get along with anyone at 

  	school.  You were always outta step with the 

  	world.  Even when you got famous, you still 

  	distrusted the world.'



EXT. MANHATTAN STREET-DAY



A pretty Manhattan street with sidewalk trees, brownstones, a school; people 

mill about, some strolling and carrying bundles, others buried.  The screen 

shows the whole length of the sidewalk, a street, and part of the sidewalk 

beyond.  As the following scene ensues, two pedestrians, indistinguishable in 

the distance, come closer and closer toward the camera, recognizable, finally, 

as Alvy and his best friend, Rob, deep in conversation.  They eventually move 

past the camera and off screen.  Traffic noise is heard in the background.



  			ALVY 

  	I distinctly heard it.  He muttered under 

  	his breath, "Jew." 



  			ROB 

  	You're crazy!



  			ALVY 

  	No, I'm not.  We were walking off the 

  	tennis court, and you know, he was there 

  	and me and his wife, and he looked at her 

  	and then they both looked at me, and under 

  	his breath he said, "Jew."



  			ROB 

  	Alvy, you're a total paranoid.



  			ALVY 

  	Wh- How am I a paran-?  Well, I pick up on 

  	those kind o' things.  You know, I was 

  	having lunch with some guys from NBC, so 

  	I said ... uh, "Did you eat yet or what?" 

  	and Tom Christie said, "No, didchoo?" 

  	Not, did you, didchoo eat?  Jew?  No, not 

  	did you eat, but Jew eat?  Jew.  You get it?  

  	Jew eat?



  			ROB 

  	Ah, Max, you, uh ...



  			ALVY 

  	Stop calling me Max.



  			ROB 

  	Why, Max?  It's a good name for you.  Max, 

  	you see conspiracies in everything.



  			ALVY 

  	No, I don't!  You know, I was in a record 

  	store.  Listen to this -so I know there's 

  	this big tall blond crew-cutted guy and 

  	he's lookin' at me in a funny way and 

  	smiling and he's saying, "Yes, we have a 

  	sale this week on Wagner." Wagner, Max, 

  	Wagner-so I know what he's really tryin' 

  	to tell me very significantly Wagner. 



  			ROB 

  	Right, Max.  California, Max.



  			ALVY 

  	Ah.



  			ROB 

  	Let's get the hell outta this crazy city.



  			ALVY 

  	Forget it, Max.



  			ROB 

  	-we move to sunny L.A. All of show business 

  	is out there, Max.



  			ALVY

  	No, I cannot.  You keep bringing it up, but 

  	I don't wanna live in a city where the only 

  	cultural advantage is that you can make a 

  	right turn on a red light.



  			ROB

  		(Checking his watch) 

  	Right, Max, forget it.  Aren't you gonna be 

  	late for meeting Annie?



  			ALVY 

  	I'm gonna meet her in front of the Beekman.  

  	I think I have a few minutes left.  Right?



EXT. BEEKMAN THEATER-DAY



Alvy stands in front of glass doors of theater, the ticket taker behind him 

just inside the glass doors.  The sounds of city traffic, car horns honking, 

can be heard while he looks around waiting for, Annie. A man in a black leather

jacket, walking past the theater, stops in front of, Alvy.  He looks at him, 

then moves away.  He stops a few steps farther and turns around to look at Alvy

again.  Alvy looks away, then back at the man.  The man continues to stare. 

Alvy scratches his head, looking for Annie and trying not to notice the man. 

The man, still staring, walks back to Alvy.



  			1ST MAN 

  	Hey, you on television?



  			ALVY 

  		(Nodding his head) 

  	No. Yeah, once in a while.  You know, 

  	like occasionally.



  			1ST MAN 

  	What's your name?



  			ALVY 

  		(Clearing his throat) 

  	You wouldn't know it.  It doesn't matter.  

  	What's the difference?



  			1ST MAN 

  	You were on ... uh, the ... uh, the Johnny 

  	Carson, right?  



  			ALVY 

  	Once in a while, you know.  I mean, you 

  	know, every now-



  			1ST MAN 

  	What's your name?



Alvy  is getting more and more uneasy as the man talks; more and more people 

move through the doors of the theater.



  			ALVY 

  		(Nervously) 

  	I'm ... I'm, uh, I'm Robert Redford. 



  			1ST MAN 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Come on.



  			ALVY

  	Alvy Singer. It was nice nice ... Thanks 

  	very much ... for everything.



They shake hands and Alvy pats the man's arm.  The man in turn looks over his 

shoulder and motions to another man. All excited now, he points to Alvy and 

calls out. Alvy looks impatient.



  			1ST MAN 

  	Hey!



  			2ND MAN 

  		(Off screen) 

  	What?



  			1ST MAN 

  	This is Alvy Singer!



  			ALVY 

  	Fellas ... you know-Jesus!  Come on!



  			1ST MAN 

  		(Overlapping, ignoring Alvy) 

  	This guy's on television!  Alvy

  	Singer, right?  Am I right?



  			ALVY 

  		(Overlapping 1st man) 

  	Gimme a break, will yuh, gimme a break.

  	Jesus Christ!



  			1ST MAN 

  		(Still ignoring Alvy's protestations) 

  	This guy's on television.



  			ALVY 

  	I need a large polo mallet!



  			2ND MAN 

  		(Moving into the screen) 

  	Who's on television?



  			1ST MAN

  	This guy, on the Johnny Carson show.



  			ALVY 

  		(Annoyed) 

  	Fellas, what is this-a meeting o' the 

  	teamsters?  You know.. .



  			2ND MAN 

  		(Also ignoring Alvy) 

  	What program?



  			1ST MAN 

  		(Holding out a matchbook) 

  	Can I have your autograph?



  			ALVY 

  	You don't want my autograph.



  			1ST MAN 

  		(Overlapping, Alvy's  speech) 

  	Yeah, I do.  It's for my girl friend.  

  	Make it out to Ralph.



  			ALVY 

  		(Taking the matchbook and pen and 

  		writing) 

  	Your girl friend's name is Ralph?



  			1ST MAN 

  	It's for my brudder. 

  		(To passersby) 

  	Alvy Singer!  Hey!  This is Alvy-



  			2ND MAN 

  		(To Alvy, overlapping 1st man's speech) 

  	You really Alvy Singer, the ... the 

  	TV star?



Nodding his head yes, Alvy shoves 2nd man aside and moves to the curb of the 

sidewalk.  The two men follow, still talking over the traffic noise.



  			1ST MAN 

  	-Singer!



  			2ND MAN 

  	Alvy Singer over here!



A cab moves into the frame and stops by the curb.  Alvy moves over to it about 

to get in.



  			ALVY 

  		(Overlapping the two men and 

  		stuttering) 

  	I-i-i-i-it's all right, fellas. 

  		(As Alvy opens the cab door, the 

  		two men still behind him, Annie 

  		gets out) 

  	Jesus, what'd you do, come by way of 

  	the Panama Canal?



  			ANNIE 

  		(Overlapping Alvy) 

  	Alright, alright, I'm in a bad mood, okay?  



Annie closes the cab door and she and Alvy move over to the ticket booth of 

the theater as they continue to talk.



  			ALVY 

  	Bad mood?  I'm standing with the cast of 

  	"The Godfather."



  			ANNIE 

  	You're gonna hafta learn to deal with it.



  			ALVY 

  	Deal!  I'm dealing with two guys named 

  	Cheech!



  			ANNIE 

  	Okay. 

  		(They move into the ticket line, 

  		still talking.  A billboard next to 

  		them reads "INGMAR BERGMAN'S 'FACE 

  		TO FACE ,'LIV ULLMANN") 

  	Please, I have a headache, all right?



  			ALVY 

  	Hey, you are in a bad mood.  You-you-

  	you must be getting your period.



  			ANNIE 

  	I'm not getting my period.  Jesus, every 

  	time anything out of the ordinary happens, 

  	you think that I'm getting my period!



They move over to the ticket counter, people in front of them buying tickets 

and walking off screen.



  			ALVY 

  		(Gesturing) 

  	A li-little louder.  I think one of them 

  	may have missed it! 

  		(To the ticket clerk) 

  	H'm, has the picture started yet?



  			TICKET CLERK 

  	It started two minutes ago.



  			ALVY 

  		(Hitting his hand on the counter) 

  	That's it!  Forget it!  I-I can't go in.



  			ANNIE 

  	Two minutes, Alvy.



  			ALVY 

  		(Overlapping Annie)

  	No, I'm sorry, I can't do it.  We-we've 

  	blown it already. I-you know, uh, I-I 

  	can't go in in the middle.



  			ANNIE 

  	In the middle? 

  		(Alvy nods his head yes and let's

  		out an exasperated sigh) 

  	We'll only miss the titles.  They're in 

  	Swedish.



  			ALVY 

  	You wanna get coffee for two hours or 

  	something?  We'll go next-



  			ANNIE 

  	Two hours?  No, u-uh, I'm going in.  

  	I'm going in. 



She moves past the ticket clerk.



  			ALVY 

  		(Waving to Annie) 

  	Go ahead.  Good-bye. 



Annie moves back to Alvy and takes his arm.



  			ANNIE 

  	Look, while we're talking we could be 

  	inside, you know that?



  			ALVY 

  		(Watching people with tickets move 

  		past them) 

  	Hey, can we not stand here and argue in 

  	front of everybody, 'cause I get embarrassed.



  			ANNIE 

  	Alright.  All right, all right, so whatta 

  	you wanna do?



  			ALVY 

  	I don't know now.  You-you wanna go to 

  	another movie? 

  		(Annie nods her head and shrugs 

  		her shoulders disgustedly as Alvy, 

  		gesturing with his band, looks at 

  		her) 

  	So let's go see The Sorrow and the Pity.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, come on, we've seen it.  I'm not in 

  	the mood to see a four-hour documentary 

  	on Nazis.



  			ALVY 

  	Well, I'm sorry, I-I can't ... I-I-I've 

  	gotta see a picture exactly from the start 

  	to the finish, 'cause-'cause I'm anal.



  			ANNIE

  		(Laughing now) 

  	H'h, that's a polite word for what you are.



INT. THEATER LOBBY.



A lined-up crowd of ticket holders waiting to get into the theater, Alvy and 

Annie among them.  A bum of indistinct chatter can be heard through the ensuing

scene.



  			MAN IN LINE 

  		(Loudly to his companion right 

  		behind Alvy and Annie) 

  	We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday.  

  	It is not one of his best.  It lacks a 

  	cohesive structure.  You know, you get 

  	the feeling that he's not absolutely sure 

  	what it is he wants to say.  'Course, I've 

  	always felt he was essentially a-a technical 

  	film maker.  Granted, La Strada was a great 

  	film.  Great in its use of negative energy 

  	more than anything else.  But that simple 

  	cohesive core ... 



Alvy, reacting to the man's loud monologue, starts to get annoyed, while Annie 

begins to read her newspaper.



  			ALVY 

  		(Overlapping the man's speech) 

  	I'm-I'm-I'm gonna have a stroke.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Reading) 

  	Well, stop listening to him.



  			MAN IN LINE 

  		(Overlapping Alvy and Annie) 

  	You know, it must need to have had its 

  	leading from one thought to another.  

  	You know what I'm talking about?



  			ALVY 

  		(Sighing) 

  	He's screaming his opinions in my ear.



  			MAN IN LINE 

  	Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or 

  	Satyricon, I found it incredibly ... 

  	indulgent.  You know, he really is.  He's 

  	one of the most indulgent film makers.  He 

  	really is-



  			ALVY 

  		(Overlapping) 

  	Key word here is "indulgent."



  			MAN IN LINE 

  		(Overlapping) 

  	-without getting ... well, let's put it 

  	this way ...



  			ALVY 

  		(To Annie, who is still reading, 

  		overlapping the man in line who is 

  		still talking) 

  	What are you depressed about?



  			ANNIE 

  	I missed my therapy.  I overslept.



  			ALVY  

  	How can you possibly oversleep?



  			ANNIE 

  	The alarm clock.



  			ALVY 

  		(Gasping) 

  	You know what a hostile gesture that is 

  	to me?



  			ANNIE 

  	I know-because of our sexual problem, 

  	right?



  			ALVY 

  	Hey, you ... everybody in line at the 

  	New Yorker has to know our rate of 

  	intercourse?



  			MAN IN LINE

  	- It's like Samuel Beckett, you know-

  	I admire the technique but he doesn't ... 

  	he doesn't hit me on a gut level.



  			ALVY 

  		(To Annie) 

  	I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level.



The man in line continues his speech all the while Alvy and Annie talk.



  			ANNIE 

  	Stop it, Alvy!



  			ALVY 

  		(Wringing his hands) 

  	Well, he's spitting on my neck!  You know, 

  	he's spitting on my neck when he talks.



  			MAN IN LINE 

  	And then, the most important thing of all 

  	is a comedian's vision.



  			ANNIE 

  	And you know something else?  You know, 

  	you're so egocentric that if I miss my 

  	therapy you can think of it in terms of 

  	how it affects you!



  			MAN IN LINE 

  		(Lighting a cigarette while he talks) 

  	Gal gun-shy is what it is.



  			ALVY

  		(Reacting again to the man in line) 

  	Probably on their first date, right?



  			MAN IN LINE 

  		(Still going on) 

  	It's a narrow view.



  			ALVY

  	Probably met by answering an ad in the 

  	New York Review of Books.  "Thirtyish 

  	academic wishes to meet woman who's 

  	interested in Mozart, James Joyce and 

  	sodomy." 

  		(He sighs; then to Annie) 

  	Whatta you mean, our sexual problem?



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh!



  			ALVY  

  	I-I-I mean, I'm comparatively normal 

  	for a guy raised in Brooklyn.



  			ANNIE 

  	Okay, I'm very sorry.  My sexual problem!  

  	Okay, my sexual problem!  Huh?



The man in front of them turns to look at them, then looks away.



  			ALVY 

  	I never read that.  That was-that was 

  	Henry James, right?  Novel, uh, the 

  	sequel to Turn of the Screw?  My Sexual ...



  			MAN IN LINE 

  		(Even louder now) 

  	It's the influence of television.  Yeah, 

  	now Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms 

  	of it being a-a high, uh, high intensity, 

  	you understand?  A hot medium ... as opposed 

  	to a ...



  			ALVY 

  		(More and more aggravated) 

  	What I wouldn't give for a large sock o' 

  	horse manure.



  			MAN IN LINE     

  	... as opposed to a print ...



Alvy steps forward, waving his hands in frustration, and stands facing the 

camera.



  			ALVY 

  		(Sighing and addressing the audience) 

  	What do you do when you get stuck in a movie 

  	line with a guy like this behind you?  I mean, 

  	it's just maddening!



The man in line moves toward Alvy.  Both address the audience now.



  			MAN IN LINE 

  	Wait a minute, why can't I give my opinion?  

  	It's a free country!



  			ALVY 

  	I mean, d- He can give you- Do you hafta 

  	give it so loud?  I mean, aren't you ashamed 

  	to pontificate like that?  And-and the funny 

  	part of it is, M-Marshall McLuhan, you don't

  	know anything about Marshall McLuhan's...work!



  			MAN IN LINE 

  		(Overlapping) 

  	Wait a minute!  Really?  Really?  I happen to 

  	teach a class at Columbia called "TV Media 

  	and Culture"!  So I think that my insights 

  	into Mr. McLuhan-well, have a great deal of 

  	validity.



  			ALVY 

  	Oh, do yuh?



  			MAN IN LINE 

  	Yes.



  			ALVY 

  	Well, that's funny, because I happen to 

  	have Mr. McLuhan right here.  So ... so, 

  	here, just let me-I mean, all right.  Come 

  	over here ... a second.



Alvy gestures to the camera which follows him and the man in line to the back 

of the crowded lobby.  He moves over to a large stand-up movie poster and 

pulls Marshall McLuban from behind the poster.



  			MAN IN LINE 

  	Oh.



  			ALVY 

  		(To McLuban) 

  	Tell him.



  			MCLUHAN 

  		(To the man in line) 

  	I hear-I heard what you were saying.  

  	You-you know nothing of my work.  You 

  	mean my whole fallacy is wrong.  How you 

  	ever got to teach a course in anything is 

  	totally amazing.



  			ALVY 

  		(To the camera) 

  	Boy, if life were only like this!



INT. THEATER. A CLOSE-UP OF THE SCREEN SHOWING FACES OF GERMAN SOLDIERS.



Credits appear over the faces of the soldiers.



   	      THE SORROW AND THE PITY

  		  CINEMA 5 LTD., 1972

  	  MARCEL OPHULS, ANDRE HARRIS, 1969

  Chronicle of a French town during the Occupation



  			NARRATOR'S VOICE 

  		(Over credits and soldiers) 

  	June fourteenth, nineteen forty, the 

  	German army occupies Paris.  All over 

  	the country, people are desperate for 

  	every available scrap of news.



  							CUT TO:



INT. BEDROOM-NIGHT 



Annie is sitting up in bed reading.



  			ALVY 

  		(Off screen) 

  	Boy, those guys in the French Resistance 

  	were really brave, you know?  Got to listen 

  	to Maurice Chevalier sing so much.



  			ANNIE 

  	M'm, I don't know, sometimes I ask myself 

  	how I'd stand up under torture.



  			ALVY 

  		(Off screen) 

  	You?  You kiddin'? 

  		(He moves into the frame, lying across 

  		the bed to touch, Annie, who makes a 

  		face) 

  	If the Gestapo would take away your 

  	Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em 

  	everything.



  			ANNIE 

  	That movie makes me feel guilty.



  			ALVY 

  	Yeah, 'cause it's supposed to.



He starts kissing Annie's arm.  She gets annoyed and continues to read.



  			ANNIE 

  	Alvy, I ...



  			ALVY 

  	What-what-what-what's the matter?



  			ANNIE 

  	I-you know, I don't wanna.



  			ALVY 

  		(Overlapping Annie, reacting) 

  	What-what-I don't ... It's not natural!  

  	We're sleeping in a bed together.  You 

  	know, it's been a long time.



  			ANNIE 

  	I know, well, it's just that-you know, I 

  	mean, I-I-I-I gotta sing tomorrow night, 

  	so I have to rest my voice.



  			ALVY 

  		(Overlapping Annie again) 

  	It's always some kind of an excuse.  It's- 

  	You know, you used to think that I was 

  	very sexy.  What ... When we first started 

  	going out, we had sex constantly ... We're-

  	we're probably listed in the Guinness Book 

  	of World Records.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Patting Alvy's band solicitously) 

  	I know.  Well, Alvy, it'll pass, it'll 

  	pass, it's just that I'm going through a 

  	phase, that's all.



  			ALVY 

  	M'm.



  			ANNIE 

  	I mean, you've been married before, you 

  	know how things can get.  You were very 

  	hot for Allison at first.



  							CUT TO:





INT. BACK STAGE OF AUDITORIUM - NIGHT.



Allison, clipboard in band, walks about the wings, stopping to talk to various 

people.  Musicians, performers and technicians mill about, busy with activity. 

Allison wears a large "ADLAI" button, as do the people around her.  The sounds 

of a comedian on the stage of the auditorium can be heard, occasionally, 

interrupted by chatter and applause from the off screen audience.  Allison 

stops to talk to two women; they, too, wear "ADLAI" buttons.



  			ALLISON 

  		(Looking down at the clipboard) 

  	Ma'am, you're on right after this man ... 

  	about twenty minutes, something like that.



  			WOMAN 

  	Oh, thank you.



Alvy moves into the frame behind Allison.  He taps her on the shoulder; she 

turns to face him.



  			ALVY 

  		(Coughing) 

  	Excuse ... excuse me, when do I go on?



  			ALLISON 

  		(Looking down at the clipboard) 

  	Who are you?



  			ALVY

  	Alvy ... Alvy Singer.  I'm a comedian.



  			ALLISON 

  	Oh, comedian.  Yes.  Oh, uh ... you're 

  	on next.



  			ALVY 

  		(Rubbing his hands together 

  		nervously) 

  	What do you mean, next?



  			ALLISON 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Uh ... I mean you're on right after 

  	this act.



  			ALVY 

  		(Gesturing) 

  	No, it can't be, because he's a comic.



  			ALLISON 

  	Yes.



  			ALVY 

  	So what are you telling me, you're 

  	putting on two comics in a row?



  			ALLISON 

  	Why not?



  			ALVY  

  	No, I'm sorry, I'm not goin'- I can't 

  	... I don't wanna go on after that comedian.



  			ALLISON 

  	It's okay.



  			ALVY 

  	No, because they're-they're laughing, so 

  		(He starts laughing nervously) 

  	I-I-I'd rather not.  If you don't mind, 

  	I prefer-



  			ALLISON 

  		(Overlapping) 

  	Will you relax, please?  They're gonna 

  	love you, I know.



  			ALVY 

  		(Overlapping) 

  	I prefer not to, because ... look, 

  	they're laughing at him.  See, so what 

  	are yuh telling me-



They move closer to the stage, looking out from the wings.



  			ALLISON 

  		(Overlapping) 

  	Yes.



  			ALVY 

(Overlapping) 

  	-that I've got to ... ah ... ah ... 

  	They're gonna laugh at him for a couple 

  	minutes, then I gotta go out there, I 

  	gotta ... get laughs, too.  How much can 

  	they laugh? 

  		(Off screen) 

  	They-they they're laughed out.



  			ALLISON 

  		(Off screen) 

  	Do you feel all right?



As Allison and Alvy look out at the stage, the camera cuts to their point of 

view: a comedian standing at a podium in front of huge waving pictures of Adlai

Stevenson.  The audience, laughing and clapping, sits at round tables in 

clusters around the room.



The camera moves back to Allison and Alvy watching the stage.  Alvy is swinging

his hands nervously.



  			COMEDIAN 

  		(Off screen, onstage) 

  	You know ...



Alvy starts looking Allison up and down; people in the background mill about.



  			ALVY 

  		(Above the chatter around him) 

  	Look, what's your-what's your name?



  			COMEDIAN 

  		(Off screen)  

  	... General Eisenhower is not ...



  			ALLISON 

  		(Looking out at the stage) 

  	Allison.



  			ALVY   

  	Yeah?  Allison what?



  			ALLISON 

  		(Still looking off screen) 

  	Portchnik.



  			COMEDIAN     

  	... a group from the ...



  			ALVY

  		(Coughing) 

  	Thank you. I-I don't know why they would 

  	have me at this kind of rally 'cause ... 

  		(He clears his throat) 

  	Excuse me, I'm not essentially a political 

  	comedian at all.



The audience starts to laugh.



  			ALVY 

  	I ... interestingly had, uh, dated ... 

  	a woman in the Eisenhower Administration 

  	... briefly ... and, uh, it was ironic to 

  	me 'cause, uh . . . tsch . . . 'cause I 

  	was trying to, u-u-uh, do to her what 

  	Eisenhower has been doing to the country 

  	for the last eight years. 



The audience is with him, laughing, as Allison continues to watch offstage.



INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM.



Allison and, Alvy are on the bed, kissing.  There are books all over the room; 

a fireplace, unlit, along one of the walls. Alvy suddenly breaks away and sits 

on the edge of the bed. Allison looks at him.



  			ALVY  

  	H'm, I'm sorry, I can't go through with 

  	this, because it-I can't get it off my 

  	mind, Allison ... it's obsessing me!



  			ALLISON 

  	Well, I'm getting tired of it.  I need 

  	your attention.



Alvy gets up from the bed and starts walking restlessly around the room, 

gesturing with his hands.



  			ALVY 

  	It-but it-it ... doesn't make any sense.  

  	He drove past the book depository and the 

  	police said conclusively that it was an 

  	exit wound.  So-how is it possible for 

  	Oswald to have fired from two angles at 

  	once?  It doesn't make sense.



  			ALLISON 

  	Alvy.



Alvy, stopping for a moment at the fireplace mantel, sighs.  He then snaps his 

fingers and starts walking again.



  			ALVY 

  	I'll tell you this!  He was not marksman 

  	enough to hit a moving target at that 

  	range.  But ... 

  		(Clears his throat) 

  	if there was a second assassin ... it- 

  	That's it!



Alvy stops at the music stand with open sheet music on it as Allison gets up 

from the bed and retrieves a pack of cigarettes from a bookshelf.



  			ALLISON 

  	We've been through this.



  			ALVY 

  	If they-they recovered the shells from 

  	that rifle.



  			ALLISON 

  		(Moving back to the bed and 

  		lighting a cigarette) 

  	Okay.  All right, so whatta yuh saying, 

  	now?  That e-e-everybody o-o-on the Warren 

  	Commission is in on this conspiracy, right?



  			ALVY 

  	Well, why not?



  			ALLISON 

  	Yeah, Earl Warren?



  			ALVY 

  		(Moving toward the bed) 

  	Hey ... honey, I don't know Earl Warren.



  			ALLISON 

  	Lyndon Johnson?



  			ALVY 

  		(Propping one knee on the bed 

  		and gesturing) 

  	L-L-Lyndon Johns Lyndon Johnson is a 

  	politician.  You know the ethics those 

  	guys have?  It's like-uh, a notch 

  	underneath child molester.



  			ALLISON 

  	Then everybody's in in the conspiracy?



  			ALVY 

  		(Nodding his head) 

  	Tsch.



  			ALLISON 

  	The FBI, and the CIA, and J. Edgar 

  	Hoover and oil companies and the 

  	Pentagon and the men's-room attendant 

  	at the White House?



Alvy touches Allison's shoulder, then gets up from the bed and starts walking 

again.



  			ALVY 

  	I-I-I-I would leave out the men's-room 

  	attendant.



  			ALLISON 

  	You're using this conspiracy theory as 

  	an excuse to avoid sex with me.



  			ALVY 

  	Oh, my God! 

  		(Then, to the camera) 

  	She's right!  Why did I turn off Allison 

  	Portchnik?  She was-she was beautiful.  She 

  	was willing.  She was real ... intelligent. 

  		(Sighing) 

  	Is it the old Groucho Marx joke?  That-that 

  	I-I just don't wanna belong to any club that 

  	would have someone like me for a member?



EXT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY



Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard over the wind-browned exterior of a beach 

house in the Hamptons. As they continue to talk, the camera moves inside the 

house. Alvy is picking up chairs, trying to get at the group of lobsters 

crawling on the floor.  Dishes are stacked up in a drying rack, and bags of 

groceries sit on the counter.  There's a table and chairs near the refrigerator. 



  			ANNIE 

  	Alvy, now don't panic.  Please.



  			ALVY 

  	Look, I told you it was a ... mistake 

  	to ever bring a live thing in the house.



  			ANNIE

  	Stop it!  Don't ... don't do that!  There.



The lobsters continue to crawl on the floor.  Annie, bolding out a wooden 

paddle, tries to shove them onto it.



  			ALVY 

  	Well, maybe we should just call the police.  

  	Dial nine-one-one, it's the lobster squad.



  			ANNIE 

  	Come on, Alvy, they're only baby ones, for 

  	God's sake. 



  			ALVY 

  	If they're only babies, then you pick 

  	'em up.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, all right.  All right!  It's all 

  	right.  Here.



She drops the paddle and picks up one of the lobsters by the tail.  Laughing, 

she shoves it at Alvy who jerks backward, squeamishly.



  			ALVY 

  	Don't give it to me.  Don't!



  			ANNIE 

  		(Hysterically) 

  	Oooh!  Here!  Here!



  			ALVY 

  		(Pointing) 

  	Look!  Look, one crawled behind the 

  	refrigerator.  It'll turn up in our bed 

  	at night. 

  		(They move over to the refrigerator; 

  		Alvy moves as close to the wall as 

  		possible as Annie, covering her mouth 

  		and laughing hysterically, teasingly 

  		dangles a lobster in front of him) 

  	Will you get outta here with that thing?  

  	Jesus!



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing, to the lobster) 

  	Get him!



  			ALVY 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Talk to him.  You speak shellfish! 

  		(He moves over to the stove and 

  		takes the lid of a large steamer 

  		filled with boiling water) 

  	Hey, look ... put it in the pot.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	I can't!  I can't put him in the pot.  I 

  	can't put a live thing in hot water.



  			ALVY 

  		(Overlapping) 

  	Gimme!  Gimme!  Let me do it!  What-what's 

  	he think we're gonna do, take him to the 

  	movies?



Annie hands the lobster to Alvy as he takes it very carefully and drops it 

gingerly into the pot and puts the cover back on.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Overlapping Alvy and making sounds) 

  	Oh, God!  Here yuh go!  Oh, good, now 

  	he'll think- 

  		(She screams) 

  	Aaaah!  Okay.



  			ALVY 

  		(Overlapping Annie) 

  	Okay, it's in.  It's definitely in the pot!



  			ANNIE 

  	All right.  All right.  All right.



She moves hurriedly across the kitchen and picks up another lobster.  Smiling, 

she places it on the counter as Alvy stands beside the refrigerator trying to 

push it from the wall.



  			ALVY 

  	Annie, there's a big lobster behind 

  	the refrigerator.  I can't get it out.  

  	This thing's heavy.  Maybe if I put a 

  	little dish of butter sauce here with a 

  	nutcracker, it will run out the other 

  	side, you know what I mean?



  			ANNIE 

  		(Overlapping) 

  	Yeah.  I'm gonna get my ... I'm gonna 

  	get my camera.



  			ALVY 

  	You know, I-I think ... if I could pry 

  	this door off ... We shoulda gotten steaks 

  	'cause they don't have legs.  They don't 

  	run around.



Annie rushes out of the room to get her camera as Alvy picks up the paddle. 

Trying to get at the lobsters, he ends up knocking over dishes and hitting the 

chandelier.  Holding the paddle, he finally leans back against the sink.  

Annie, standing in the doorway, starts taking pictures of him.



  			ANNIE 

  	Great!  Great! 

  		(Screaming) 

  	Goddammit! 

  		(Screaming) 

  	Ooooh!  These are ... p-p-p-pick this 

  	lobster up.  Hold it, please!



  			ALVY 

  	All right!  All right!  All right!  All 

  	right!  Whatta yuh mean?  Are yuh gonna 

  	take pictures now?



  			ANNIE 

  	It'll make great- Alvy, be- Alvy, it'll 

  	be wonderful ... Ooooh, lovely!



  			ALVY 

  		(Picking up the lobster Annie 

  		placed on the counter earlier) 

  	All right, here!  Oh, God, it's disgusting!



Alvy drops the lobster back down on the counter, sticking out his tongue and 

making a face.



  			ANNIE 

  	Don't be a jerk.  One more, Alvy, please, 

  	one more picture. 

  		(Reluctantly Alvy picks up the 

  		lobster again as Annie takes 

  		another picture) 

  	Oh, oh, good, good!



EXT. OCEAN FRONT-DUSK.



The camera pans Annie and Alvy as they walk along the shore.



  			ALVY 

  	So, so-well, here's what I wanna know.  

  	W-what ... 

  		(He clears his throat) 

  	Am I your first big romance?



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh ... no, no, no, no, uh, uh.  No.



  			ALVY 

  	Well, then, w-who was?



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, well, let's see, there was Dennis, 

  	from Chippewa Falls High School. 



CUT TO:



FLASHBACK OF DENNIS LEANING AGAINST A CAR - NIGHT



Behind him is a movie theater with "MARILYN MONROE, 'MISFITS' " on the marquee.

He looks at his watch as the younger Annie, in a beehive hairdo, moves into the

frame.  They kiss quickly and look at each other, smiling.



  			ALVY'S VOICE 

  		(Off screen) 

  	Dennis-right, uh, uh ... local kid 

  	probably, would meetcha in front of the 

  	movie house on Saturday night.



  			ANNIE'S VOICE 

  	Oh, God, you should've seen what I looked 

  	like then.



  			ALVY'S VOICE 

  		(Off screen, laughing) 

  	Oh, I can imagine.  P-p-probably the 

  	wife of an astronaut.



  			ANNIE'S VOICE 

  	Then there was Jerry, the actor.



  							CUT TO:



FLASHBACK OF BRICK-WALLED APARTMENT - NIGHT



The younger, Annie and Jerry lean against the wall. Jerry is running his band 

down Annie's bare arm. Annie and Alvy walk into the room, observing the younger

Annie, in jeans and T-shirt, with Jerry.



  			ALVY'S VOICE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Look at you, you-you,-re such a clown.



  			ANNIE'S VOICE 

  	I look pretty.



  			ALVY'S VOICE 

  	Well, yeah, you always look pretty, but 

  	that guy with you ...



  			JERRY 

  	Acting is like an exploration of the soul. 

  	I-it's very religious.  Uh, like, uh, a 

  	kind of liberating consciousness.  It's 

  	like a visual poem.



  			ALVY 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Is he kidding with that crap?



  			YOUNGER ANNIE

  		(Laughing) 

  	Oh, right.  Right, yeah, I think I 

  	know exactly what you mean, when you 

  	say "religious."



  			ALVY 

  		(Incredulous, to Annie) 

  	You do?



  			ANNIE 

  		(Still watching) 

  	Oh, come on-I mean, I was still younger.



  			ALVY 

  	Hey, that was last year.



  			JERRY 

  	It's like when I think of dying.  You 

  	know how I would like to die?



  			YOUNGER ANNIE 

  	No, how?



  			JERRY 

  	I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals.



  			ALVY'S VOICE 

  	Heavy!  Eaten by some squirrels.



  			ANNIE'S VOICE 

  	Hey, listen-I mean, he was a terrific actor, 

  	and look at him, he's neat-looking and he 

  	was emotional ... Y-hey, I don't think you 

  	like emotion too much.



Jerry stops rubbing the younger Annie's arm and slides down to the floor as 

she raises her foot toward his chest.



  			JERRY 

  	Touch my heart ... with your foot. 



  			ALVY'S VOICE 

  	I-I may throw up!



  							CUT BACK TO:



EXTERIOR.  BEACH-DUSK



It's now sunset, the water reflecting the last light.  The camera moves over 

the scene.  The off screen voices of Alvy and Annie are heard as they walk, the

camera always one step ahead of them.



  			ANNIE 

  	He was creepy.



  			ALVY 

  	Yeah, I-I think you're pretty lucky I 

  	came along. 



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Oh, really?  Well, la-de-da!



  			ALVY 

  	La-de-da.  If I-if anyone had ever told 

  	me that I would be taking out a girl who 

  	used expressions like "la-de-da" . . .



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, that's right.  That you really like 

  	those New York girls. 



  			ALVY 

  	Well, no ... not just, not only.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, I'd say so.  You married-



  							CUT TO:



INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT-NIGHT



A cocktail party is in progress, the rooms crowded with guests as Alvy and 

Robin make their way through the people.  A waiter, carrying a tray, walks 

past them.  Alvy reaches out to pick up a glass; Robin reaches over and picks 

it of the tray first.  There is much low-key chatter in the background.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Off screen) 

  	-two of them.



  			ROBIN 

  	There's Henry Drucker.  He has a chair 

  	in history at Princeton.  Oh, the short 

  	man is Hershel Kaminsky.  He has a chair 

  	in philosophy at Cornell.



  			ALVY 

  	Yeah, two more chairs and they got a 

  	dining-room set.



  			ROBIN 

  	Why are you so hostile?



  			ALVY 

  		(Sighing) 

  	'Cause I wanna watch the Knicks on 

  	television.



  			ROBIN 

  		(Squinting) 

  	Is that Paul Goodman?  No. And be nice 

  	to the host because he's publishing my 

  	book.  Hi, Doug!  Douglas Wyatt.  

  	"A Foul-Rag-and-Bone Shop-of-the-Heart."



They move through the rooms, Robin holding a drink in one hand, her arm draped 

in Alvy's; the crowd mills around them.



  			ALVY 

  		(Taking Robin's hand) 

  	I'm so tired of spending evenings making 

  	fake insights with people who work for 

  	Dysentery.



  			ROBIN 

  	Commentary.



  			ALVY 

  	Oh, really, I heard that Commentary and 

  	Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.



  			ROBIN 

  	No jokes-these are friends, okay?



INT. BEDROOM



Alvy sits on the foot of the bed watching the Knicks game on television.



  			TV ANNOUNCER 

  		(Off screen) 

  	Cleveland Cavaliers losing to the New 

  	York Knicks.



Robin enters the room, slamming the door.



  			ROBIN 

  	Here you are.  There's people out there.



  			ALVY 

  	Hey, you wouldn't believe this.  Two 

  	minutes ago, the Knicks are ahead fourteen 

  	points, and now ... 

  		(Clears his throat) 

  	they're ahead two points.



  			ROBIN 

  	Alvy, what is so fascinating about a group 

  	of pituitary cases trying to stuff the 

  	ball through a hoop?



  			ALVY 

  		(Looking at Robin) 

  	What's fascinating is that it's physical.  

  	You know, it's one thing about intellectuals, 

  	they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant 

  	and have no idea what's going on.  But on the 

  	other hand ... 

  		(Clears his throat) 

  	the body doesn't lie, as-as we now know.



Alvy reaches over, pulls Robin down onto the bed.  He kisses her and moves 

farther up on the bed.



  			ROBIN 

  	Stop acting out.



She sits on the edge of the bed, looking down at the sprawled-out Alvy.



  			ALVY 

  	No, it'll be great!  It'll be great, 

  	be-because all those Ph.D.'s are in 

  	there, you know, like ... discussing 

  	models of alienation and we'll be in 

  	here quietly humping.



He pulls Robin toward him, caressing her as she pulls herself away.



  			ROBIN 

  	Alvy, don't!  You're using sex to 

  	express hostility.



  			ALVY 

  	"'Why-why do you always r-reduce my 

  	animal urges to psychoanalytic categories?' 

  		(Clears his throat) 

  	he said as he removed her brassiere..."



  			ROBIN 

  		(Pulling away again) 

  	There are people out there from The New 

  	Yorker magazine.  My God!  What would they 

  	think?



She gets up and fixes the zipper on her dress.  She turns and moves toward the 

door.



INT. APARTMENT-NIGHT



Robin and Alvy are in bed.  The room is in darkness.  Outside, a siren starts 

blaring.



  			ROBIN 

  	Oh, I'm sorry!



  			ALVY 

  	Don't get upset!



  			ROBIN 

  	Dammit!  I was so close.



She flips on the overhead lamp and turns on her side.  Alvy turns to her.



  			ALVY 

  		(Gesturing) 

  	Jesus, last night it was some guy honking 

  	his car horn.  I mean, the city can't 

  	close down.  You know, what-whatta yuh 

  	gonna do, h-have 'em shut down the 

  	airport, too?  No more flights so we can 

  	have sex?



  			ROBIN 

  		(Reaching over for her eyeglasses 

  		on the night table) 

  	I'm too tense.  I need a Valium.  My 

  	analyst says I should live in the country 

  	and not in New York.



  			ALVY 

  	Well, I can't li- We can't have this 

  	discussion all the time.  The country 

  	makes me nervous.  There's ... You got 

  	crickets and it-it's quiet ... there's 

  	no place to walk after dinner, and... uh, 

  	there's the screens with the dead moths 

  	behind them, and... uh, yuh got the-the 

  	Manson family possibly, yuh got Dick and 

  	Terry-



  			ROBIN 

  		(Interrupting) 

  	Okay, okay, my analyst just thinks I'm 

  	too tense.  Where's the goddamn Valium?



She fumbles about the floor for the Valium, then back on the bed.



  			ALVY 

  	Hey, come on, it's quiet now.  We can-we 

  	can start again.



  			ROBIN 

  	I can't.



  			ALVY

  	What-



  			ROBIN

  	My head is throbbing.



  			ALVY

  	Oh, you got a headache!



  			ROBIN

  	I have a headache.



  			ALVY

  	Bad?



  			ROBIN

  	Oswald and ghosts.



  			ALVY

  	Jesus!



He begins to get out of bed.



  			ROBIN 

  	Where are you going?



  			ALVY 

  	Well, I'm-I'm gonna take another in a 

  	series of cold showers.



EXT. MEN'S LOCKER ROOM OF THE TENNIS CLUB.



Rob and Alvy, carrying tennis rackets, come through the door of the locker 

room to the lobby.  They are dressed in tennis whites.  They walk toward the 

indoor court.



  			ROB

		Max, my serve is gonna send yuh to 

  	the showers-



  			ALVY

  	Right, right, so g-get back to what we 

  	were discussing, the failure of the 

  	country to get behind New York City is-is 

  	anti-Semitism.



  			ROB 

  	Max, the city is terribly worried.



  			ALVY 

  	But the- I'm not discussing politics or 

  	economics.  This is foreskin.



  			ROB 

  	No, no, no, Max, that's a very convenient 

  	out.  Every time some group disagrees with 

  	you it's because of anti-Semitism.



  			ALVY 

  	Don't you see?  The rest of the country looks 

  	upon New York like we're-we're left-wing 

  	Communist, Jewish, homosexual, pornographers.  

  	I think of us that way, sometimes, and I-I 

  	live here.



  			ROB 

  	Max, if we lived in California, we could 

  	play outdoors every day, in the sun.



  			ALVY 

  	Sun is bad for yuh.  Everything our parents 

  	said was good is bad.  Sun, milk, red meat, 

  	college ...



INT. TENNIS COURT



Annie and Janet, in tennis whites, stand on the court holding tennis rackets 

and balls.  They are chattering and giggling.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	I know, but ooh- here he comes.  Okay. 



Rob and Alvy enter the court and walk over to the two women.  Rob kisses Janet 

and makes introduction.



  			ROB 

  	You know Alvy?



  			JANET 

  	Oh, hi, Alvy.



  			ANNIE 

  		(To Rob) 

  	How are yuh?



  			ROB 

  		(To Alvy) 

  	You know Annie?



  			JANET 

  	I'm sorry.  This is Annie Hall.



  			ALVY 

  	Hi.



  			ANNIE 

  	Hi.



Annie and Alvy shake hands.



  			JANET 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Alvy.



  			ROB 

  		(Eager to begin) 

  	Who's playing who here?  Alvy Well, uh ... 

  	you and me against them?



  			ANNIE 

  		(Overlapping Alvy) 

  	Well ... so ... I can't play too good, 

  	you know.



  			JANET 

  		(Laughing) 

  	I've had four lessons!



The group, laughing and chatting, divide up-Rob and Annie moving to the other 

side of the net, Alvy and Janet standing where they are.  They start to play 

mixed doubles, each taking turns and playing well. At one point in the game, 

Annie starts to talk to Rob, then turns and sees a ball heading toward her.



  			ALVY  

  		(Hitting the halt back) 

  	Holy gods!



INT. LOBBY



Alvy, dressed, puts things into a gym bag.  One knee is on the bench and his 

back is turned from the entrance. Annie walks toward the entrance door dressed 

in street clothes and carrying her tennis bag over her shoulder.  Seeing Alvy,

she stops and turns.



  			ANNIE 

  	Hi.  Hi, hi.



  			ALVY 

  		(Looking over his shoulder) 

  	Hi.  Oh, hi.  Hi.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Hands clasped in front of her, 

  		smiling) 

  	Well, bye. She laughs and backs up slowly 

  	toward the door.



  			ALVY 

  		(Clearing his throat) 

  	You-you play ... very well.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, yeah?  So do you.  Oh, God, whatta-

  		(Making sounds and laughing) 

  	whatta dumb thing to say, right?  I mean, 

  	you say it, "You play well," and right 

  	away ... I have to say well.  Oh, oh ... 

  	God, Annie. 

  		(She gestures with her hand) 

  	Well ... oh, well ... la-de-da, la-de-da, 

  	la-la.



She turns around and moves toward the door.



  			ALVY 

  		(Still looking over his shoulder) 

  	Uh ... you-you wanna lift?



  			ANNIE 

  		(Turning and aiming her thumb over 

  		her shoulder) 

  	Oh, why-uh ... y-y-you gotta car?



  			ALVY 

  	No, um ... I was gonna take a cab.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Oh, no, I have a car.



  			ALVY 

  	You have a car? 

  		(Annie smiles, hands folded in 

  		front of her) 

  	So ... 

  		(Clears his throat) 

  	I don't understand why ... if you have a 

  	car, so then-then wh-why did you say "Do 

  	you have a car?"... like you wanted a lift?



  			ANNIE 

  	I don't ... 

  		(Laughing) 

  	I don't ... Geez, I don't know, I've ... 

  	I wa- This ... yeah, I got this VW out 

  	there ... 

  		(Laughing and gesturing toward 

  		the door) 

  	What a jerk, yeah.  Would you like a lift?



  			ALVY 

  		(Zipping up his bag) 

  	Sure.  W-w-w-which way yuh goin'?



  			ANNIE 

  	Me?  Oh, downtown!



  			ALVY 

  	Down- I'm-I'm goin' uptown.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Oh, well, I'm goin' uptown, too.



  			ALVY 

  	Uh, well, you just said you were going 

  	downtown.



  			ANNIE 

  	Yeah, well, I'm, but I ...



Alvy picks up his bag and moves toward the door. As he turns his bag around, 

the handle of the tennis racket bits Annie between the legs.



  			ALVY 

  		(Laughing) 

  	So sorry.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	I mean, I can go uptown, too.  I live 

  	uptown, but ... uh, what the hell, I mean, 

  	it'd be nice having company, you know 

  	I mean, I hate driving alone.



  			ALVY 

  		(Making sounds) 

  	Yeah.



They walk out the door.



EXT. NEW YORK STREET- DAY



Alvy and Annie in the VW as Annie speeds down a city street near the East River.



  			ALVY 

  	So, how long do you know Janet?  Where 

  	do you know her from?



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Oh, I'm in her acting class.



  			ALVY 

  	Oh - you're an actress.



  			ANNIE 

  	Well, I do commercials, sort of ...



She zooms down the wrong lane, cars swerving out of her way.  A horn blows.



  			ALVY 

  	I, uh ... well, you're not from New 

  	York, right?



  			ANNIE 

  	No, Chippewa Falls.



  			ALVY 

  	Right! 

  		(A pause) 

  	Where?



  			ANNIE 

  	Wisconsin.



  			ALVY 

  		(Finally reacting) 

  	Uh, you're driving a-



  			ANNIE 

  	Uh, don't worry, I'm a very- 

  		(A car moves closer to the VW, 

  		almost on top of it in the wrong 

  		direction.  Annie swerves away at 

  		the very last minute)

  	-a very good driver. 

  		(Alvy rubs his head nervously, 

  		staring out the window as Annie 

  		speeds along) 

  	So, listen-hey, you want some gum, anyway?



Annie looks down beside her, searching for the gum.



  			ALVY

  	No, no thanks.  Hey, don't-



  			ANNIE

  	Well, where is it?  I-



  			ALVY 

  	No, no, no, no, you just ... just watch 

  	the road.  I'll get it-



  			ANNIE 

  	Okay.



They both fumble around in her pocketbook.  Alvy looks up to see the entire 

front of a truck in Annie's windshield.  She swerves just in time.



  			ALVY 

  	-for yuh.



  			ANNIE 

  	Okay, that's good.



Alvy continues to look for the gum while Annie zooms down the city streets.



  			ANNIE 

  	All right.



  			ALVY 

  	I'll getcha a piece.



  			ANNIE	

  	Yeah ... so, listen-you drive?



  			ALVY

  	Do I drive?  Uh, no, I gotta-I gotta 

  	problem with driving.



  			ANNIE	

  	Oh, you do?



  			ALVY	

  	Yeah.  I got, uh, I got a license but I 

  	have too much hostility.



  			ANNIE	

  	Oh, right.



  			ALVY	

  	Nice car.



  			ANNIE 

  		(A bit rapidly)   

  	Huh?



  			ALVY 

  	You keep it nice. 

  		(He pulls a half-eaten sandwich 

  		out of her bag) 

  	Can I ask you, is this-is this a sandwich?



  			ANNIE 

  	Huh?  Oh, yeah.



EXT. STREET-DAY



Cars are parked on both sides of the street as the VW rounds the corner.



  			ANNIE 

  	I live over here.  Oh, my God!  Look!  

  	There's a parking space!  



With brakes squealing, Annie turns the VW sharply into the parking spot.  

Annie and Alvy get out, Alvy looking over his shoulder as he leaves the car.



  			ALVY   

  	That's okay, you ... we-we can walk to 

  	the curb from here.



  			ANNIE 

  	Don't be funny.



  			ALVY   

  	You want your tennis stuff?



  			ANNIE 

  	Huh?  Oh ... yeah.



  			ALVY   

  	You want your gear?  Here you go.



Alvy reaches into the back of the car and takes out tennis equipment.  He 

hands her her things.  People pass by on the street.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Yeah, thanks.  Thanks a lot.  Well...



  			ALVY 

  		(Sighing) 

  	Well, thanks, thank you.  You-you're 

  	a wonderful tennis player.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Oh.



Alvy shakes hands with Annie.



  			ALVY 

  	You're the worst driver I've ever seen 

  	in my life . . . that's including any place 

  	... the worst ... Europe, United ... any 

  	place ... Asia.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Yeah.



  			ALVY 

  	And I love what you're wearin'.



Alvy touches the tie Annie is wearing around her neck.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, you do?  Yeah?  Oh, well, it's uh 

  	... this is, uh ... this tie is a present, 

  	from Grammy Hall.



Annie flips the bottom of the tie.



  			ALVY  

  	Who?  Grammy?  Grammy Hall?



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing and nodding her head) 

  	Yeah, my grammy.



  			ALVY 

  	You're jo- Whatta yuh kid- What did you 

  	do, grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting?



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Yeah, I know.



  			ALVY 

  	Your grammy!



  			ANNIE 

  	I know, it's pretty silly, isn't it?



  			ALVY 

  	Jesus, my-my grammy ... n-never gave 

  	gifts, you know.  She-she was	too busy 

  	getting raped by Cossacks.



  			ANNIE

  		(Laughing) 

  	Well ...



  			ALVY	

  	Well ... thank you again.



  			ANNIE	

  	Oh, yeah, yeah.



  			ALVY	

  	I'll see yuh.



  			ANNIE	

  		(Overlapping, gesturing) 

  	Hey, well, listen ... hey, you wanna

  	come upstairs and, uh ... and have a 

  	glass of wine and something?  Aw, no, 

  	I mean ... I mean, you don't have to, 

  	you're probably late and everything else ...



  			ALVY 

  	No, no, that'll be fine. I don't mind. Sure. 



  			ANNIE 

  	You sure?



  			ALVY 

  		(Overlapping) 

  	No, I got time. 



  			ANNIE 

  	Okay.



  			ALVY 

  	Sure, I got ... I got nothing, uh, 

  	nothing till my analyst's appointment.



They move toward Annie's apartment building.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, you see an analyst?



  			ALVY 

  	Y-y-yeah, just for fifteen years. 



  			ANNIE 

  	Fifteen years?



  			ALVY 

  	Yeah, uh, I'm gonna give him one more 

  	year and then I'm goin' to Lourdes.



  			ANNIE 

  	Fifteen-aw, come on, you're . . . yeah, 

  	really?



INT. ANNIE'S APARTMENT



Alvy, standing, looks around the apartment.  There are lots of books, framed 

photographs on the white wall.  A terrace can be seen from the window.  He 

picks up a copy of Ariet, by Sylvia Platb, as Annie comes out of the kitchen 

carrying two glasses.  She hands them to Alvy.



  			ALVY 

  	Sylvia Plath.



  			ANNIE 

  	M'hm...



  			ALVY

  	Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide 

  	was misinterpreted as romantic, by the 

  	college-girl mentality.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, yeah.



  			ALVY 

  	Oh, sorry.



  			ANNIE 

  	Right.  Well, I don't know, I mean, uh, 

  	some of her poems seem - neat, you know.



  			ALVY

  	Neat?



  			ANNIE 

  	Neat, yeah.



  			ALVY 

  	Uh, I hate to tell yuh, this is nineteen 

  	seventy-five, you know that "neat" went 

  	out, I would say, at the turn of the 

  	century. 

  		(Annie laughs) 

  	Who-who are-who are those photos on 

  	the wall?



  			ANNIE 

  		(Moving over to the photographs) 

  	Oh ... oh, well, you see now now, uh, 

  	that's my dad, that's Father-and that's 

  	my ... brother, Duane.



  			ALVY 

  	Duane?



  			ANNIE

  		(Pointing) 

  	Yeah, right, Duane-and over there is 

  	Grammy Hall, and that's Sadie.



  			ALVY   

  	Well, who's Sadie?



  			ANNIE  

  	Sadie?  Oh, well, Sadie... 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Sadie met Grammy through, uh, through 

  	Grammy's brother George.  Uh, George was 

  	real sweet, you know, he had that thing.  

  	What is that thing where you, uh, where 

  	you, uh, fall asleep in the middle of a 

  	sentence, you know-what is it?  Uh ...



  			ALVY 

  	Uh, narcolepsy.



  			ANNIE

  	Narcolepsy, right, right.  Right.  So, 

  	anyway, so ... 

  		(Laughing) 

  	George, uh, went to the union, see, to 

  	get his free turkey, be-because, uh, the 

  	union always gave George this big turkey 

  	at Christmas time because he was ... 

  		(Annie points her fingers to each 

  		side of her head, indicating George 

  		was a little crazy) 

  	shell-shocked, you know what I mean, in the 

  	First World War. 

  		(Laughing hysterically, she opens 

  		a cabinet door and takes out a 

  		bottle of wine) 

  	Anyway, so, so ... 

  		(Laughing through the speech) 

  	George is standing in line, oh, just a sec 

  	...uh, getting his free turkey, but the 

  	thing is, he falls asleep and he never 

  	wakes up. So, so...

  		(Laughing) 

  	so, he's dead ... 

  		(Laughing) 

  	he's dead.  Yeah.  Oh, dear.  Well, 

  	terrible, huh, wouldn't you say?  I 

  	mean, that's pretty unfortunate.



Annie unscrews the bottle of wine, silent now after her speech.



  			ALVY 

  	Yeah, it's a great story, though, I 

  	mean, I... I ... it really made my day.  

  	Hey, I think I should get outta here, 

  	you know, 'cause I think I'm imposing, 

  	you know ...



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Oh, really?  Oh, well ... uh, uh, maybe, 

  	uh, maybe, we, uh ...



  			ALVY 

  	... and ... uh, yeah, uh ... uh, you 

  	know, I-I-I... 



They move outside to the terrace, Alvy still holding the glasses, Annie the 

wine.  They stand in front of the railing, Annie pouring the wine into the 

held-out glasses.



  			ANNIE 

  	Well, I mean, you don't have to, you know.



  			ALVY

  	No, I know, but ... but, you know, I'm 

  	all perspired and everything.



  			ANNIE 

  	Well, didn't you take, uh ... uh, a 

  	shower at the club?



  			ALVY

  	Me?  No, no, no, 'cause I never shower 

  	in a public place.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Why not?



  			ALVY 

  	'Cause I don't like to get naked in front 

  	of another man, you know-it's, uh ...



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Oh, I see, I see.



  			ALVY 

  	You know, I don't like to show my body 

  	to a man of my gender-



  			ANNIE 

  	Yeah.  Oh, yeah.  Yeah, I see.  I guess-



  			ALVY	

  	-'cause, uh, you never know what's 

  	gonna happen.



  			ANNIE	

  		(Sipping her wine and laughing) 

  	Fifteen years, huh?



  			ALVY

  	Fifteen years, yeah.



  			ANNIE	

  	Yeah.  Oh, God bless!



They	put their glasses together in a toast.



  			ALVY

  	God bless.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Well, uh ... 

  		(Pausing) 

  	You're what Grammy Hall would call a 

  	real Jew.



  			ALVY  

  		(Clearing his throat) 

  	Oh, thank you.



  			ANNIE

  		(Smiling) 

  	Yeah, well ... you-She hates Jews.  She 

  	thinks that they just make money, but let 

  	me tell yuh, I mean, she's the one yeah, 

  	is she ever.  I'm tellin' yuh.



  			ALVY 

  		(pointing toward the apartment 

  		after a short pause) 

  	So, did you do shoot the photographs 

  	in there or what?



  			ANNIE

  		(Nodding, her hand on her hip) 

  	Yeah, yeah, I sorta dabble around, you know.



Annie's thoughts pop on the screen as she talks: I dabble?  Listen to me-what 

a jerk!



  			ALVY 

  	They're ... they're... they're wonderful, 

  	you know.  They have ... they have, uh 

  	... a ... a quality.

  

As do Alvy's: You are a great-looking girl



  			ANNIE

  	Well, I-I-I would-I would like to take 

  	a serious photography course soon.



Again, Annie's thoughts pop on: He probably thinks I'm a yo-yo



  			ALVY 

  	Photography's interesting, 'cause, you 

  	know, it's-it's a new art form, and a, 

  	uh, a set of aesthetic criteria have 

  	not emerged yet.



And Alvy's: I wonder what she looks like naked?



  			ANNIE 

  	Aesthetic criteria?  You mean, whether 

  	it's, uh, good photo or not?



I'm not smart enough for him.  Hang in there



  			ALVY 

  	The-the medium enters in as a condition 

  	of the art form itself.  That's-



I don't know what I'm saying-she senses I'm shallow



  			ANNIE 

  	Well, well, I ... to me-I ... I mean, 

  	it's-it's-it's all instinctive, you 

  	know.  I mean, I just try to uh, feel 

  	it, you know?  I try to get a sense of 

  	it and not think about it so much.



God, I hope he doesn't turn out to be a shmuck like the others



  			ALVY 

  	Still, still we- You need a set of 

  	aesthetic guide lines to put it in 

  	social perspective, I think.



Christ, I sound like FM radio.  Relax



They're quiet for a moment, holding wine glasses and sipping.  The sounds of 

distant traffic from the street can be heard on the terrace.  Annie, laughing, 

speaks first.



  			ANNIE 

  	Well, I don't know.  I mean, I guess-I 

  	guess you must be sorta late, huh?



  			ALVY 

  	You know, I gotta get there and begin 

  	whining soon ... otherwise I- Hey ... 

  	well, are you busy Friday night?



  			ANNIE 

  	Me?  Oh, uh.         

  		(Laughing) 

  	No.



  			ALVY 

  		(Putting his band on his forehead) 

  	Oh, I'm sorry, wait a minute, I have 

  	something.  Well, what about Saturday 

  	night?



  			ANNIE 

  		(Nodding) 

  	Oh ... nothing.  Not-no, no!



  			ALVY 

  	Oh, you ... you're very popular, I can see.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	I know.



  			ALVY 

  	Gee, boy, what do you have?  You have 

  	plague?



  			ANNIE	

  	Well, I mean, I meet a lot of ... jerks, 

  	you know-



  			ALVY

  	Yeah, I meet a lotta jerks, too.



  			ANNIE	

  		(Overlapping) 

  	-what I mean?



  			ALVY	

  	I think that's, uh-



  			ANNIE

  		(Interrupting) 

  	But I'm thinking about getting some 

  	cats, you know, and then they ... Oh, 

  	wait a second-oh, no, no, I mean 

  		(Laughing) 

  	oh, shoot!  No, Saturday night I'm 

  	gonna-

  		(Laughing) 

  	gonna sing.  Yeah.



  			ALVY

  	You're gonna sing?  Do you sing?  Well, 

  	no, it isn't

  		(Overlapping) 

  	No kidding? 

  		(Overlapping) 

  	-this is my first time.  Oh, really?  Where?  

  	I'd like to come. 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Oh, no, no, no, no, no!  No, I'm interested!



  			ANNIE

  		(Laughing) 

  	Oh, no-I mean, I'm just a-auditioning 

  	sort of at club.  I don't-



  			ALVY

  		(Overlapping) 

  	No, so help me.



  			ANNIE

  		(Overlapping) 

  	-it's my first time.



  			ALVY

  	That's okay, 'cause I know exactly what 

  	that's like.  Listen-



  			ANNIE

  		(Interrupting) 

  	Yeah.



  			ALVY

  		(Overlapping) 

  	-you're gonna like night clubs, they're 

  	really a lotta fun.



INT. NIGHT CLUB-NIGHT



Annie stands on center stage with a microphone, a pianist behind her.  A 

Bright light is focused on her; the rest of the club is in darkness.  There 

are the typical sounds and movements of a nightclub audience: low conversation,

curling smoke, breaking glass, microphone bum, moving chairs, waiters 

clattering trays, a ringing phone as Annie sings "It Had to Be You.



EXT. CITY STREET-NIGHT.



Alvy and Annie walk quickly down the sidewalk. 



  			ANNIE 

  	I was awful.  I'm so ashamed!  I can't 

  	sing. 



  			ALVY 

  	Oh, listen, so the audience was a tad 

  	restless.



  			ANNIE 

  	Whatta you mean, a tad restless?  Oh, 

  	my God, I mean, they hated me.



  			ALVY 

  	No, they didn't.  You have a wonderful 

  	voice.



  			ANNIE 

  	No, I'm gonna quit!



  			ALVY

  	No, I'm not gonna letcha.  You have a 

  	great voice.



  			ANNIE

  	Really, do you think so, really?



  			ALVY

  	Yeah!



  			ANNIE

  	Yeah?



  			ALVY

  	It's terrific.



  			ANNIE

  		(Overlapping) 

  	Yeah, you know something?  I never even 

  	took a lesson, either.



They stop in the middle of the sidewalk.  Alvy turns Annie around to face him.



  			ALVY 

  	Hey, listen, listen.



  			ANNIE

		What?



  			ALVY

  	Gimme a kiss.



  			ANNIE

		Really?



  			ALVY

  	Yeah, why not, because we're just gonna 

  	go home later, right?



  			ANNIE

  	Yeah.



  			ALVY

  	And-and uh, there's gonna be all that 

  	tension.  You know, we never kissed before 

  	and I'll never know when to make the right 

  	move or anything.  So we'll kiss now we'll 

  	get it over with and then we'll go eat. Okay?  



  			ANNIE

 		Oh, all right.



  			ALVY 

  	And we'll digest our food better.



  			ANNIE

		Okay.



  			ALVY 

  	Okay?



  			ANNIE 

  	Yeah.



They kiss.



  			ALVY 

  	So now we can digest our food.  



They turn and start walking again.  



  			ANNIE 

  	We can digest our-



  			ALVY 

  	Okay. Yeah.



INT. DELI-NIGHT



Annie and Alvy sit down in a booth.  The deli is fairly well lit and crowded. 

Conversation, plates clattering, can be heard over the dialogue.  The waiter 

comes over to them to take their order.



  			ALVY 

  		(To the waiter) 

  	I'm gonna have a corned beef.



  			ANNIE 

  		(To the waiter) 

  	Yeah ... oh, uh, and I'm gonna have a 

  	pastrami on white bread with, uh, 

  	mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce. 

  		(Alvy involuntarily makes a face 

  		as the waiter leaves) 

  	Tsch, so, uh, your second wife left you 

  	and, uh, were you depressed about that?



  			ALVY 

  	Nothing that a few mega-vitamins couldn't 

  	cure.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh.  And your first wife was Allison?



  			ALVY 

  	My first... Yes, she was nice, but you 

  	know, uh, it was my fault.  I was just... 

  	I was too crazy.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh.



INT. DARKENED BEDROOM-NIGHT



Alvy and Annie in bed together.



  			ANNIE

  	M'm, that was so nice.  That was nice.



  			ALVY

  	As Balzac said ...



  			ANNIE

		H'm?



  			ALVY

 		"There goes another novel." 

  		(They laugh) 

  	Jesus, you were great.



  			ANNIE

		Oh, yeah?



  			ALVY

		Yeah.



  			ANNIE

		Yeah?



  			ALVY

		Yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm a wreck.



  			ANNIE

  	No. 

  		(She turns and looks at Alvy, 

  		then laughs) 

  	You're a wreck.



  			ALVY

		Really.  I mean it.  I-I'll never play 

  	the piano again.



  			ANNIE

			(Lighting a joint and laughing) 

  	You're really nuts.  I don't know, you 

  	really thought it was good?  Tell me.



  			ALVY

  	Good?  I was-



  			ANNIE

  		(Overlapping) 

  	No.



  			ALVY

  	No, that was the most fun I've ever 

  	had without laughing.



  			ANNIE

  		(Laughing) 

  	Here, you want some?



  			ALVY

  	No, no, I-I-i, uh, I don't use any 

  	major hallucinogenics because I took 

  	a puff like five years ago at a party and



  			ANNIE

		Yeah?



  			ALVY

		-tried to take my pants off over my 

  	head ... 

  		(Annie laughs)

  	...  my ear.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, I don't know, I don't really.  I 

  	don't do it very often, you know, just 

  	sort of, er ... relaxes me at first.



  			ALVY 

  	M'hm. 

  		(He pushes himself up from the 

  		bed and looks down at Annie)

  	You're not gonna believe this, but-



  			ANNIE

		What?  What?



  							CUT TO:





INT. BOOKSTORE-DAY



Annie and Alvy browsing in crowded bookstore.  Alvy, carrying two books, 

"Death and Western Thought" and "The Denial of Death", moves over to where 

Annie is looking.



  			ALVY

  	Hey?



  			ANNIE

		H'm?



  			ALVY

		I-I-I'm gonna buy you these books, I 

  	think, because I-I think you should 

  	read them.  You know, instead of that 

  	cat book.



  			ANNIE

			(Looking at the books Alvy 

  		is bolding) 

  	That's, uh ... 

  		(Laughing) 

  	that's pretty serious stuff there.



  			ALVY

		Yeah, 'cause I-I'm, you know, I'm, 

  	I'm obsessed with-with, uh, with death, 

  	I think.  Big-



  			ANNIE

			(Overlapping) 

  	Yeah?



  			ALVY

		-big subject with me, yeah.



  			ANNIE 

  	Yeah?



They move over to the cashier line.



  			ALVY

  		(Gesturing) 

  	I've a very pessimistic view of life.  

  	You should know this about me if we're 

  	gonna go out, you know. I-I-I feel that 

  	life is-is divided up into the horrible 

  	and the miserable.



  			ANNIE

		M'hm.



  			ALVY

  	Those are the two categories ...



  			ANNIE 

  	M'hm.



  			ALVY    

  	... you know, they're- The-the horrible 

  	would be like, uh, I don't know, terminal 

  	cases, you know?



  			ANNIE

		M'hm.



  			ALVY    

  	And blind people, crippled ...



  			ANNIE 

  	Yeah.



  			ALVY

			I don't-don't know how they get through 

  	life.  It's amazing to me.



  			ANNIE

		M'hm.



  			ALVY

		You know, and the miserable is everyone 

  	else.  That's-that's all.  So-so when 

  	you go through life you should be thankful 

  	that you're miserable, because that's- 

  	You're very lucky ... to be ... 

  		(Overlapping Annie's laughter) 

  	... to be miserable.



  			ANNIE

		U-huh.



EXT. PARK-DAY



It's a beautiful sunny day in Central Park.  People are sitting on benches, 

others strolling, some walking dogs.  One woman stands feeding cooing pigeons.

Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard off screen as they observe the scene before

them.  An older man and woman walk into view.



  			ALVY

  	Look, look at that guy.



  			ANNIE

		M'hm.



  			ALVY

  	There's-there's-there's-there's Mr. 

  	When-in-the-Pink, Mr. Miami Beach, there, 

  	you know? 

  		(Over Annie's laughter) 

  	He's the latest! just came back from 

  	the gin-rummy farm last night. He 

  	placed third.



  			ANNIE

			(Laughing) 

  	M'hm.  Yeah.  Yeah.



The camera shows them sitting side by side relaxed on a bench.



  			ALVY 

  		(Watching two men approach, one 

  		lighting a cigar) 

  	Look at these guys.



  			ANNIE

		Yeah.



  			ALVY   

  	Oh, that's hilarious.  They're back 

  	from Fire Island.  They're ... they're 

  	sort of giving it a chance-you know what 

  	I mean?



  			ANNIE

  		Oh! Italian, right?



  			ALVY 

 		Yeah, he's the Mafia.  Linen Supply Business 

  	or Cement and Contract, you know what I mean?



  			ANNIE

			(Laughing) 

  	Oh, yeah.



  			ALVY 

  	No, I'm serious. 

  		(Over Annie's laughter) 

  	I just got my mustache wet.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, yeah?



  			ALVY 

  		(As another man walks by) 

  	And there's the winner of the Truman 

  	Capote look-alike contest.



EXT. STREET-NIGHT



Alvy and Annie walk almost in silhouette along the dock, the New York City 

skyline in the background.  Alvy has his arm around Annie and they walk slowly.

No one else is around.



  			ANNIE	

  	You see, like you and I ...



  			ALVY	

  	You are extremely sexy.



  			ANNIE	

  	No, I'm not.



  			ALVY	

  	Unbelievably sexy.  Yes, you are.  

  	Because ... you know what you are?  

  	You're-you're polymorphously perverse.



  			ANNIE	

  	Well, what does-what does that mean?  

  	I don't know what that is.



  			ALVY 

  	Uh ... uh, you're-you're exceptional 

  	in bed because you got -you get pleasure 

  	in every part of your body when I touch you.



  			ANNIE 

  	Ooooh!



They stop walking.  Holding Annie's arms, Alvy turns her to face him.  The 

South Street Bridge, lit up for the night, is in the background.



  			ALVY 

  	You know what I mean?  Like the tip 

  	o'your nose, and if I stroke your teeth 

  	or your kneecaps ... you get excited.



  			ANNIE 

  	Come on. 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Yeah.  You know what?  You know, I 

  	like you, I really mean it.  I really do 

  	like you.



  			ALVY

  	You- Do you love me?



  			ANNIE

  	Do I love you?



  			ALVY

  	That's the key question.



  			ANNIE

  	Yeah.



  			ALVY

  	I know you've only known me a short 

  	while.



  			ANNIE 

  	Well, I certainly ... I think that's 

  	very- Yeah, yeah ... 

  		(Laughing) 

  	yeah.  Do you love me?



  			ALVY

		I-uh, love is, uh, is too weak a word 

  	for what...



  			ANNIE

		Yeah.



  			ALVY

  	- I ... I love you. 

  		(Over Annie's laughter) 

  	You know I lo-ove you, I-I love you. 

  		(Over Annie's laughter) 

  	I-I have to invent- Of course I love you.



  			ANNIE

		Yeah.



  			ALVY 

  		(Putting his arms around her neck) 

  	Don't you think I do?



  			ANNIE

		I dunno.



They kiss as a foghorn sounds in the distance.



INT. ALVY'S APARTMENT



Alvy, somewhat distraught, is following Annie around his apartment, which is 

filled with boxes and suitcases, clothes and framed pictures.  They both carry 

cartons.



  			ALVY

		Whatta you mean?  You're not gonna give 

  	up your own apartment, are you?



  			ANNIE

  		(Putting down the carton) 

  	Of course.



  			ALVY

  	Yeah, bu-bu-but why?



  			ANNIE

  	Well, I mean, I'm moving in with you, 

  	that's why.



  			ALVY

  	Yeah, but you-you got a nice apartment.



  			ANNIE

  	I have a tiny apartment.



  			ALVY

 			Yeah, I know it's small.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Picking up the suitcases and 

  		walking into the bedroom) 

  	That's right, and it's got bad plumbing 

  	and bugs.



  			ALVY

  		(Picking up some pictures and 

  		following Annie into the bedroom) 

  	All right, granted, it has bad plumbing 

  	and bugs, but you-you say that like it's a 

  	negative thing.  You know, bugs are-are-uh, 

  	entomology is a ... 

  		(Annie, reacting, tosses the 

  		suitcases and some loose clothing 

  		onto the bed.  She sits down on the 

  		edge, looking away. Alvy walks in, 

  		pictures and carton in band, still 

  		talking) 

  	... rapidly growing field.



  			ANNIE

  	You don't want me to live with you?



  			ALVY 

  	How- I don't want you to live with me?  

  	How- Whose idea was it?



  			ANNIE 

  	Mine.



  			ALVY 

  	Ye-ah.  Was it ... It was yours actually, 

  	but, uh, I approved it immediately.



  			ANNIE 

  	I guess you think that I talked you into 

  	something, huh?

  		(putting pictures on the mantel) 

  	

  			ALVY

  	No-what, what ...? I ... we live together, 

  	we sleep together, we eat together.  Jesus, 

  	you don't want it to be like we're married, 

  	do yuh?



He moves over to the carton of books on the window seat and reaches in.  He 

starts tossing books off screen.



  			ANNIE

  		(Looking up at Alvy) 

  	How is it any different?



  			ALVY  

  		(Gesturing) 

  	It's different 'cause you keep your own 

  	apartment. 

  		(Holding a book, he starts walking 

  		around the room) 

  	Because you know it's there, we don't 

  	have to go to it, we don't have to deal 

  	with it, but it's like a-a-a free-floating 

  	life raft ... that we know that we're not 

  	married.



He tosses the book on the bed and walks back to the window seat.



  			ANNIE  

  		(Still sitting on the bed) 

  	That little apartment is four hundred 

  	dollars a month, Alvy.



  			ALVY   

  		(Looking at Annie) 

  	That place is four hundred dollars a month?



  			ANNIE  

  	Yes, it is.  



  			ALVY 

  		(Whistling) 

  	It's-it's got bad plumbing and bugs.  Jesus, 

  	I'll-My accountant will write it off as a 

  	tax deduction, I'll pay for it.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Shaking her head) 

  	You don't think I'm smart enough to be 

  	serious about.



  			ALVY  

  	Hey, don't be ridiculous.



Alvy moves over to the bed and sits down next to Annie.



  			ANNIE  

  	Then why are you always pushing me to take 

  	those college courses like I was dumb or 

  	something?



  			ALVY  

  		(Putting his hand to his forehead) 

  	'Cause adult education's a wonderful thing.  

  	You meet a lotta interesting professors.  

  	You know, it's stimulating.



EXT. COUNTRY HIGHWAY - DAY



Annie and Alvy, in Annie's VW, driving to their summerhouse.  The camera moves 

with them as they pass a house with a lighted window, blooming foliage.  There 

is no dialogue, but it is a comfortable quiet.  Classical music plays in the 

background.



  							CUT TO:



INT. COUNTRY HOUSE - NIGHT



Annie, sitting cross-legged on a wooden chest in the bedroom, is browsing 

through a school catalogue.  Alvy lies in bed reading.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Reading) 

  	Does this sound like a good course?  

  	Uh, "Modern American Poetry"?  Uh, or, 

  	uh-let's see now ... maybe I should, uh, 

  	take "Introduction to the Novel."



  			ALVY 

  	Just don't take any course where they 

  	make you read Beowulf.



  			ANNIE 

  	What? 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Hey, listen, what-what do you think?  Do 

  	you think we should, uh, go to that-that 

  	party in Southampton tonight? 



Alvy leans over and kisses her shoulder.



  			ALVY 

  	No, don't be silly.  What-what do we need 

  	other people for? 

  		(He puts his arms around her neck, 

  		kissing her, Annie making muffled 

  		sounds) 

  	You know, we should-we should just turn 

  	out the lights, you know, and play hide 

  	and seek or something.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Well, okay.  Well, listen, I'm gonna get 

  	a cigarette, okay?



  			ALVY 

  		(Yelling out to her as she leaves 

  		the room) 

  	Yeah, grass, right?  The illusion that 

  	it will make a white woman more like 

  	Billie Holiday.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Off screen) 

  	Well, have you ever made love high?



  			ALVY

  	Me, no.  You ... I-I-you know, if I 

  	have grass or alcohol or anything I 

  	get unbearably wonderful.  I get too, 

  	too wonderful for words.  You know, 

  	I don't-I don't know why you have to, 

  	uh, get high every time we make love.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Moving back into the room and 

  		lighting a joint) 

  	It relaxes me.



  			ALVY 

  	Oh, you-you have to be artificially 

  	relaxed before we can go to bed?



  			ANNIE 

  		(Closing the door) 

  	Well, what's the difference, anyway?



  			ALVY 

  	Well, I'll give you a shot of sodium 

  	pentothal.  You can sleep through it.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, come on, look who's talking.  You've 

  	been seeing a psychiatrist for fifteen years. 

  		(She gets into bed and takes a 

  		puff of marijuana) 

  	You should smoke some o' this.  You'd be 

  	off the couch in no time.



  			ALVY 

  	Oh, come, you don't need that.



Alvy, sitting down on the bed, moves over to Annie and takes the weed from her.



  			ANNIE 

  	What are you doing?



  			ALVY 

  		(Kissing her) 

  	No, no, no, what ... You can once, you 

  	can live without it once.  Come on.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, no, Alvy, please. Alvy, please.

  		(Laughing and making sounds) 

  	M'mrnm.



  			ALVY 

  	M'm, wait, I got a great idea. 

  		(He gets up and goes over to the 

  		closet, taking out a light bulb.  

  		He goes back to the bed and turns 

  		out the lamp on the night table) 

  	Hang in there for a second.  I got a 

  	little-little artifact.  A little erotic 

  	artifact, that-that I brought up from the 

  	city, which I think, uh, is gonna be perfect. 

  		(He turns the lamp back on, having 

  		replaced the bulb with the red one 

  		from the closet) 

  	I just ... there ... There's a little Old 

  	New Orleans ... essence.  Now-now we can go 

  	about our business here and we can even 

  	develop photographs if we want to.  There, 

  	now there. 

  		(He undresses and crawls into bed, 

  		taking Annie in his arms) 

  	M'mmm.  M'mmm.  Hey, is something wrong?  



  			ANNIE



  	Uh-uh-why?



  			ALVY 

  	I don't know.  You- It's like you're-

  	you're removed.



  			ANNIE 

  	No, I'm fine.



As Annie speaks, her inner self (ghostlike, moves up from the bed and) sits 

down on a chair, watching.



  			ALVY 

  	Really?



  			ANNIE 

  	U-huh.



  			ALVY 

  	I don't know, but you seem sort of distant. 



  			ANNIE 

  	Let's just do it, all right?



  			ALVY

  		(Kissing and caressing Annie) 

  	Is it my imagination or are you just 

  	going through the motions?



  			ANNIE'S SPIRIT  

  	Alvy, do you remember where I put my 

  	drawing pad?  Because while you two are 

  	doing that, I think I'm gonna do some 

  	drawing.



  			ALVY 

  		(Reacting) 

  	You see, that's what I call removed.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, you have my body.



  			ALVY 

  	Yeah, but that's not-that's no good.  

  	I want the whole thing. 



  			ANNIE 

  		(Sighing) 

  	Well, I need grass and so do you.



  			ALVY 

  	Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass 

  		(Clearing his throat)

  	 because, you know, I'm, like, a comedian-



  			ANNIE 

  		(Overlapping) 

  	M'hm.



  			ALVY 

  		(Overlapping) 

  	-so if I get a laugh from a person who's 

  	high, it doesn't count.  You know-'cause 

  	they're always laughin'.



  			ANNIE 

  	Were you always funny?



  			ALVY 

  	Hey, what is this-an interview?  We're 

  	supposed to be making love.



  							CUT TO:



INT. OFFICE.



A typical old-fashioned theatrical agency in a Broadway office building. 

Autographed 8 X 12 is plastered in the sloppy room.  The agent, chewing a 

cigar, sits behind his desk talking to one of his clients, a comedian, who 

stands with his hands in his pockets.  A young Alvy sits stiffly in a chair 

nearby watching.



  			AGENT 

  	This guy is naturally funny.  I think 

  	he can write for you.



  			COMIC 

  		(Buttoning his jacket) 

  	Yeah, yeah.  Hey, kid, he tells me you're 

  	really good.  Well, lemme explain a little 

  	bit o' how I work.  You know, you can tell 

  	right off the bat that I don't look like 

  	a funny guy when I come-you know, like some 

  	o' the guys that come out.  You know, right 

  	away 

  		(Gesturing) 

  	they're gonna tell yuh their stories, you're 

  	gonna fall down, but I gotta be really 

  	talented.  Material's gotta be sensational 

  	for me 'cause I work, you know, with very, 

  	very ... Come on, I'm kinda classy, you 

  	know what I mean?  Uh ... uh ... lemme 

  	explain.  For instance, I open with an 

  	opening song.  A musical start like 

  		(Ad-lib singing) 

  	and I walk out 

  		(Ad-lib singing)  

  	"Place looks wonderful from here and 

  	you folks look wonderful from here! 

  		(Singing)

  	"And seein' you there

  	With a smile on your face

  	Makes me shout

  	This must be the place."

  	Then I stop right in the middle and then 

  	I open with some jokes.  Now, that's where 

  	I need you, right there.  For instance, like 

  	I say, "Hey, I just got back from Canada, 

  	you know, they speak a lotta French up 

  	there.  The only way to remember Jeanne 

  	d'Arc means the light's out in the bathroom!" 

  		(He laughs.  Seated Alvy looks 

  		up smiling) 

  	"Oh, I met a big lumberjack ..."



  			ALVY'S VOICE 

  		(To himself) 

  	Jesus, this guy's pathetic. 



  			COMIC 

  		(Overlapping above speech) 

  	... big lumberjack ...



  			ALVY'S VOICE 

  		(To himself while the comic 

  		continues his routine) 

  	Look at him mincing around, like he 

  	thinks he's real cute.  You wanna throw 

  	up.  If only I had the nerve to do my 

  	own jokes.  I don't know how much longer 

  	I can keep this smile frozen on my face.  

  	I'm in the wrong business, I know it.



  			COMIC 

  		(Overlapping above speech) 

  	"'Cherie, come back.  I love you. 

  		(Shaking his lips and mimicking) 

  	But, uh, Cheri, what will I do with this, 

  	uh?' He says, 'Aw, Marie, sometime you 

  	make me so mad."' 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Oh, they scream at that.  Now, write me 

  	somethin' like that, will yuh?  Kinda 

  	French number, can yuh do it?  Huh, kid?



INT. THEATER - NIGHT



The darkened auditorium is filled with college students applauding and cheering,

excited, as Alvy stands on spotlighted stage holding the microphone.



  			ALVY 

  		(Gesturing) 

  	W-where am I? I-I keep ... I have to 

  	reorient myself.  This is the University 

  	of Wisconsin, right?  So I'm always ... 

  	I'm tense and ... uh, when I'm playin' a 

  	col- I've a very bad history with colleges.  

  	You know, I went to New York University and, 

  	uh, tsch, I was thrown out of NYU my freshman 

  	year ... for cheating on my metaphysics final.  

  	You know, I looked within the soul of the 

  	boy sitting next to me- 

  		(The audience laughs; they're with him)

  	 -and when I was thrown out, my mother, 

  	who's an emotionally high-strung woman, 

  	locked herself in the bathroom and took an 

  	overdose of mah-jongg tiles. 

  		(More applause and laughter) 

  	And, uh, tsch, I was depressed.  I was ... 

  	in analysis, I-I, uh, was suicidal; as a 

  	matter of fact, uh, I would have killed 

  	myself but I was in analysis with a strict 

  	Freudian and if you kill yourself ... they 

  	make you pay for the sessions you miss.



INT. BACKSTAGE OF THEATER.



Students mill around Alvy banding him pens and paper for autographs.

Annie is next to him, talking over the chattering fans.



  			ANNIE 

  	Alvy, you were ... Alvy, you were just 

  	great, I'm not kidding.  It was- You 

  	were so neat.



  			ALVY 

  	C-c-coll- College audiences are so wonderful.



  			ANNIE 

  	Yeah.  Yeah.  And you know something?  

  	I think that I'm starting to get more 

  	of your references, too.



  			ALVY

  	Are yuh?



  			ANNIE 

  	Yeah.



  			ALVY 

  	Well, the twelve o'clock show is 

  	completely different than the nine.



  			YOUNG WOMAN 

  		(Interrupting) 

  	May I have your autograph?



  			ANNIE 

  		(Over lapping above speech) 

  	Oh.



  			ALVY 

  		(To Annie, while autographing) 

  	You're so sure about it.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, I'm really, uh, looking forward to 

  	tomorrow.  I mean, you know, I think that 

  	it'll be really nice to meet Mother and 

  	Father. 



They start moving toward the exit, a girl snapping a picture of Alvy with a 

flash camera as they walk through the crowd.



  			ALVY 

  	Yeah, I know, they'll hate me immediately. 

  		(To one of his fans) 

  	Thank you.



  			ANNIE 

  	No, I don't think so.  No, I don't think 

  	they're gonna hate you at all.  On the 

  	contrary, I think-



  			ALVY 

  	Yeah.



  			ANNIE 

  	It's Easter.  You know, we'll have a nice 

  	dinner, we'll sit down and eat.  I think 

  	they're gonna really like you.



EXT. ANNIE'S PARENTS' HOME-DAY



The camera shows a neat two-story house surrounded by a well-manicured green 

lawn, then cuts to:



INT. DINING ROOM.



Alvy and the Halls are eating Easter dinner.  The sun is pouring through a big 

picture window, shining on a large, elegantly laid out table. Alvy sits, at one

end,- rubbing his nose and chewing, the Halls flanking him on either side: Mr.

and Mrs. Hall, Grammy, and Annie's brother, Duane.



  			MOM HALL 

  		(Holding her wine glass) 

  	It's a nice ham this year, Mom. 



Grammy Hall takes a sip of her wine and nods.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Smiling at Duane) 

  	Oh, yeah.  Grammy always does such 

  	a good job.



  			DAD HALL 

  		(Chewing) 

  	A great sauce.



  			ALVY 

  	It is. 

  		(Smacking his lips) 

  	It's dynamite ham.



Grammy Hall stares down the table at Alvy; a look of utter dislike. Alvy tries 

not to notice.



  			MOM HALL 

  		(To Dad Hall, smoothing her hair) 

  	We went over to the swap meet.  Annie, 

  	Gram and I. Got some nice picture frames.



  			ANNIE 

  	We really had a good time.



Grammy continues to stare at Alvy; he is now dressed in the long black coat and

hat of the Orthodox Jew, complete with mustache and heard.



  			MOM HALL 

  		(Lighting a cigarette and turning 

  		to Alvy) 

  	Ann tells us that you've been seeing a 

  	psychiatrist for fifteen years.



  			ALVY 

  		(Setting down his glass and coughing) 

  	Yes.  I'm making excellent progress.  

  	Pretty soon when I lie down on his couch, 

  	I won't have to wear the lobster bib.



Mom Hall reacts by sipping from her glass and frowning.  Grammy continues to 

stare.



  			DAD HALL 

  	Duane and I went out to the boat basin.



  			DUANE 

  	We were caulkin' holes all day.



  			DAD HALL 

  	Yeah. 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Randolph Hunt was drunk, as usual.



  			MOM HALL 

  	Oh, that Randolph Hunt.  You remember 

  	Randy Hunt, Annie.  He was in the choir 

  	with you.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, yes, yes.



Alvy, leaning his elbow on the table, looks out toward the camera.



  			ALVY 

  		(To the audience) 

  	I can't believe this family. 

  		(Making chewing sounds) 

  	Annie's mother.  She really's beautiful.  

  	And they're talkin' swap meets and boat 

  	basins, and the old lady at the end of 

  	the table 

  		(Pointing to Grammy) 

  	is a classic Jew hater.  And, uh, they, 

  	they realty look American, you know, 

  	very healthy and ... like they never 

  	get sick or anything.  Nothing like my 

  	family.  You know, the two are like oil 

  	and water.



The screen splits in half - on the right is Alvy's family - his mother, father,

aunt and uncle-busily eating at the crowded kitchen table.  They eat quickly 

and interrupt one another loudly.  On the left the Halls in their dining room. 

Both dialogues overlap, juxtaposed.



  			ALVY'S FATHER 

  	Let 'im drop dead!  Who needs his 

  	business?!



  			ALVY'S MOTHER 

  	His wife has diabetes!



  			ALVY'S FATHER 

  	Di-diabetes?  Is that any excuse?  

  	Diabetes?



  			ALVY'S UNCLE 

  	The man is fifty years old and doesn't 

  	have a substantial job.



  			ALVY'S AUNT 

  		(Putting more meat on her 

  		husband's plate) 

  	Is that a reason to steal from his father?



  			ALVY'S UNCLE 

  	Whatta you talkin' about?  You don't 

  	know what you're talking about.



  			ALVY'S AUNT 

  	Yes, I know what I'm talking about.



  			ALVY'S MOTHER 

  		(Interrupting) 

  	George, defend him!



  			ALVY'S UNCLE 

  		(Over Alvy's father's muttering) 

  	No Moskowitz he had a coronary.



  			ALVY'S AUNT 

  	You don't say.



  			ALVY'S MOTHER 

  	We fast.



  			MOM HALL 

  	Stupid Thelma Poindexter ... to the 

  	Veterans Hospital.



  			DAD HALL 

  	My God, he's the new president of the 

  	El Regis.  Let me tell you, the man is 

  	somethin' else.



  			MOM HALL 

  	That's Jack's wife.  We used to make 

  	that outta raisins.



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, yes, that's right.  Did you see 

  	the new play?



  			MOM HALL 

  	Oh, you remember her, Annie.



  			ANNIE 

  	Yes, I do.



The two families start talking back and forth to one another.  The screen is 

still split.



  			MOM HALL 

  	How do you plan to spend the holidays, 

  	Mrs. Singer?



  			DAD HALL 

  	Fast?



  			ALVY'S FATHER 

  	Yeah, no food.  You know, we have to 

  	atone for our sins.



  			MOM HALL 

  	What sins?  I don't understand.



  			ALVY'S FATHER 

  	Tell you the truth, neither do we.



  							CUT TO:



INT. DUANE'S BEDROOM-NIGHT



Duane, sitting on his bed, sees Alvy walking past the open door.



  			DUANE 

  	Alvy.



  			ALVY 

  		(Walking in) 

  	Oh, hi, Duane, how's it goin'?



  			DUANE 

  	This is my room.



  			ALVY 

  		(Looking around) 

  	Oh, yeah? 

  		(He clears his throat) 

  	Terrific.



  			DUANE 

  	Can I confess something?



Alvy sighs and sits down, leaning his arm on Duane's dresser.  Duane's face is 

big lighted by a single lamp.



  			DUANE 

  	I tell you this because, as an artist, 

  	I think you'll understand.  Sometimes 

  	when I'm driving ... on the road at night

  	... I see two headlights coming toward me.  

  	Fast.  I have this sudden impulse to turn 

  	the wheel quickly, head-on into the 

  	oncoming car.  I can anticipate the 

  	explosion.  The sound of shattering glass.  

  	The ... flames rising out of the flowing 

  	gasoline.



  			ALVY 

  		(Reacting and clearing his throat) 

  	Right.  Tsch, well, I have to-I have 

  	t-o go now, Duane, because I-I'm due 

  	back on the planet earth. 



He slowly gets up and moves toward the door.



INT. THE HALLS' LIVING ROOM.



Mom and Dad Hall walk into the living room; Annie is with them.



  			MOM HALL

  	Now, don't let it be so long, now.



  			ANNIE 

  	No.



  			DAD HALL 

  	And look up Uncle Bill, you promise. 



  			ANNIE 

  	Okay.  Okay.



  			MOM HALL 

  	Oh, he's adorable, Annie.



  			ANNIE 

  	You think so?  Do you really?



  			MOM HALL 

  	We're going to take them to the airport.

  			

  			DAD HALL 

  	Oh, no-Duane can.  I haven't finished 

  	my drink. 



  			ANNIE 

  	Yes, Duane is.  I'll be right-



  			MOM HALL 

  	M'mmm.



  			ANNIE 

  	I just have time to get the, uh-



She walks out of the room as Mom and Dad Hall kiss.



EXT. ROAD - NIGHT



Duane, behind the wheel, stares straight ahead.  It is raining very hard, the 

windshield wipers are moving quickly.  The headlights of another car brightens 

the interior of Duane's car as the camera shows first Duane, then Annie, then 

Alvy tensely staring straight ahead.



EXT. STREET- DAY



The camera bolds on a quiet New York City street; the buildings, brownstones. 

It's a warm day-people sit on front stoops, window boxes are planted. Annie 

walks into the frame first, then Alvy, who is walking to her right. They walk 

quickly, side by side, their voices heard before they move into the frame.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Off screen) 

  	You followed me.  I can't believe it!



  			ALVY 

  		(Off screen) 

  	I didn't follow you!



  			ANNIE  

  	You followed me!



  			ALVY   

  	Why?  'Cause I ... was walkin' along 

  	a block behind you staring at you?  

  	That's not following!



  			ANNIE 

  	Well, what is your definition of 

  	following?



  			ALVY 

  		(Gasping) 

  	Following is different.  I was spying.



  			ANNIE 

  	Do you realize how paranoid you are?



  			ALVY 

  	Paranoid?  I'm looking at you.  You 

  	got your arms around another guy.



  			ANNIE 

  	That is the worst kind of paranoia.



  			ALVY 

  	Yeah-well, I didn't start out spying.  

  	I-I thought I'd surprise yuh.  Pick you 

  	up after school.



  			ANNIE 

  	Yeah-well, you wanted to keep the 

  	relationship flexible, remember?  

  	It's your phrase.



  			ALVY 

  	Oh, stop it.  But you were having an 

  	affair with your college professor.  

  	That jerk that teaches that incredible 

  	crap course "Contemporary Crisis in 

  	Western Man"!



  			ANNIE 

  	"Existential Motifs in Russian Literature"!  

  	You're really close.



  			ALVY 

  	What's the difference?  It's all mental 

  	masturbation.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Stopping for a moment) 

  	Oh, well, now we're finally getting to 

  	a subject you know something about!



She walks away.



  			ALVY 

  		(Catching up to her) 

  	Hey, don't knock masturbation!  It's 

  	sex with someone I love.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Continuing to walk quickly) 

  	We're not having an affair.  He's married.  

  	He just happens to think I'm neat.



  			ALVY 

  		(Still walking next to her) 

  	"Neat"!  There's that- What are you-twelve 

  	years old?  That's one o' your Chippewa 

  	Falls expressions!  "He thinks I'm neat."



  			ANNIE 

  	Who cares?  Who cares?



  			ALVY

  	Next thing you know he'll find you keen

  	and peachy, you know?  Next thing you 

  	know he's got his hand on your ass!  



They both stop in the middle of the street.



  			ANNIE 

  	You've always had hostility toward 

  	David ever since I mentioned him!



  			ALVY 

  	David?  You call your teacher David?



  			ANNIE 

  	It's his name.



  			ALVY

		Well, listen, that's, a nice bi-it's 

  	a biblical name.  Right?  W-What does 

  	he call you?  Bathsheba?



He walks away.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Calling after him) 

  	Alvy!  Alvy!  You're the one who never 

  	wanted to make a real commitment.  You 

  	don't think I'm smart enough!  We had 

  	that argument just last month, or don't 

  	ou remember that day?



  							CUT TO:



INT. KITCHEN.



Alvy is at the sink washing dishes as the screen cuts to the scene of last 

month's argument.  Annie's voice is heard.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Off screen) 

  	I'm home!



  			ALVY 

  		(Turning) 

  	Oh, yeah?  How'd it go?



  			ANNIE 

  		(Comes into the kitchen and puts 

  		down a bag of groceries on the 

  		kitchen table) 

  	Oh, it was ... 

  		(Laughing) 

  	really weird.  But she's a very nice woman.



  			ALVY 

  	Yeah?



  			ANNIE 

  	And I didn't have to lie down on the couch, 

  	Alvy, she had me sitting up.  So I told her 

  	about-about the-the family and about my 

  	feelings toward men and about my 

  	relationship with my brother.



  			ALVY 

  	M'm.



  			ANNIE 

  	And then she mentioned penis envy ... 

  	Did you know about that?



  			ALVY 

  	Me?  I'm-I'm one of the few males who 

  	suffers from that, so, so ... you know.



  			ANNIE 

  	M'hm.



  			ALVY 

  	G-go on, I'm interested.



  			ANNIE 

  	Well, she said that I was very guilty 

  	about my impulses toward marriage, 

  	and-and children.



  			ALVY 

  	M'hm.



  			ANNIE 

  	And then I remembered when I was a kid 

  	how I accidentally saw my parents making 

  	love.



  			ALVY 

  	Tsch.  Rea- All this happened in the 

  	first hour?



  			ANNIE 

  	M'hm.



  			ALVY 

  	That's amazing. I-I-I ... I've been 

  	goin' for fifteen years, I-you know, 

  	I don't got ... nothing like that in-



  			ANNIE 

  	Oh, I told her my dream and then I cried.



  			ALVY

  	You cried?  I've never once cried.  

  	Fantastic ...



  			ANNIE

  		(Taking groceries from the bag) 

  	Yeah.



  			ALVY

  	I whine. I-I-I sit and I whine.



  			ANNIE

  	In-in ... Alvy, in my dream Frank 

  	Sinatra is holding his pillow across 

  	my face and I can't breathe.



  			ALVY 

  	Sinatra?



  			ANNIE

  	Yeah, and he's strangling me ...



  			ALVY

  	Yeah?



  			ANNIE

  	... and I keep, you know, it's-



  			ALVY 

  		(Taking a bottle of juice and 

  		some celery from the bag) 

  	Well, well, sure ... because he's a 

  	singer and you're a singer, you know, 

  	so it's perfect.  So you're trying to 

  	suffocate yourself.  It-it makes perfect 

  	sense.  Uh, uh, that's a perfect analytic 

  	... kind of insight.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Pointing her finger at Alvy) 

  	She said, your name was Alvy Singer.



  			ALVY 

  		(Turning to Annie) 

  	Whatta you mean?  Me?



  			ANNIE 

  	Yeah, yeah, yeah, you.  Because in the 

  	dream ... I break Sinatra's glasses.



  			ALVY 

  		(Putting his band to his mouth) 

  	Sinatra had gl- You never said Sinatra 

  	had glasses.  So whatta you saying that 

  	I-I'm suffocating you?



  			ANNIE 

  		(Turning, ajar in her hand) 

  	Oh, and God, Alvy, I did ... this really 

  	terrible thing to him.  Because then when 

  	he sang it was in this real high-pitched 

  	voice.



  			ALVY 

  		(Thinking) 

  	Tsch, what'd the doctor say?



  			ANNIE 

  		(Putting away some groceries)

  	Well, she said that I should probably 

  	come five times a week.  And you know 

  	something?  I don't think I mind analysis 

  	at all.  The only question is, Will it 

  	change my wife?



  			ALVY 

  	Will it change your wife?



  			ANNIE 

  	Will it change my life?



  			ALVY

  	Yeah, but you said, "Will it change 

  	my wife"!



  			ANNIE

  	No, I didn't. 

  		(Laughing) 

  	I said, "Will it change my life," Alvy.



  			ALVY

  	You said, "Will it change. . ." Wife.  

  	Will it change ...



  			ANNIE

  		(Yelling out, angry) 

  	Life.  I said, "life."



Alvy turns toward the camera.



  			ALVY 

  		(To the audience) 

  	She said, "Will it change my wife." You 

  	heard that because you were there so I'm 

  	not crazy.



  			ANNIE

		And, Alvy ... and then I told her about 

  	how I didn't think you'd ever really take 

  	me seriously, because you don't think that 

  	I'm smart enough.



She walks out of the room.



  			ALVY

			(To Annie's back, gesturing) 

  	Why do you always bring that up?  Because 

  	I encourage you to take adult-education 

  	courses?  I think it's a wonderful thing.  

  	You meet wonderful, interesting professors'.



  							CUT TO:



EXT. STREET



Annie stands at the open door of a cab, Alvy next to her gesturing as people 

and cars move by.



  			ALVY 

  	Adult education is such junk!  The 

  	professors are so phony.  How can you 

  	do it?



  			ANNIE 

  	A bit rapidly.  I don't care what you 

  	say about David, he's a perfectly fine 

  	teacher!



  			ALVY 

  		(Interrupting) 

  	David!  David!  I can't believe this! 



  			ANNIE 

  	And what are you doing following me 

  	around for, anyway?



  			ALVY 

  	I'm following you and David, if you-



  			ANNIE  

  		(Interrupting) 

  	I just think we oughta call this 

  	relationship quits! 



Annie gets into the cab; Alvy leans over and closes the door.



ALVY

		That's fine.  That's fine.  That's great! 

  		(He turns toward the camera as the 

  		cab drives away) 

  	Well, I don't know what I did wrong. 

  		(Gesturing) 

  	I mean, I can't believe this.  Somewhere 

  	she cooled off to me! 

  		(He walks up to an older woman 

  		walking down the street carrying 

  		groceries) 

  	Is it-is it something that I did?



WOMAN ON THE STREET 

  	Never something you do.  That's how 

  	people are. Love fades.



She moves on down the street.



ALVY

			(Scratching his head) 

  	Love fades.  God, that's a depressing

  	thought. Have to ask you a question. 

  		(He stops another passer-by,a man) 

  	Don't go any further.  Now, with your 

  	wife in bed, d-d-does she need some kind 

  	o' artificial stimulation like-like marijuana?



  			MAN ON THE STREET 

  	We use a large vibrating egg.



He walks on.



  			ALVY 

  		(Continuing to walk) 

  	Large vibrating egg.  Well, I ask a 

  	psychopath, I get that kind of an answer.  

  	Jesus, I-I, uh, here ... 

  		(He moves up the sidewalk to 

  		a young trendy-looking couple, 

  		arms wrapped around each other) 

  	You-you look like a really happy couple.  

  	Uh, uh ... are you?



  			YOUNG WOMAN

		Yeah.



  			ALVY

		Yeah!  So ... so h-h-how do you account 

  	for it?



  			YOUNG WOMAN 

  	Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I 

  	have no ideas and nothing interesting 

  	to say.



  			YOUNG MAN 

  	And I'm exactly the same way.



  			ALVY 

  	I see.  Well, that's very interesting.  

  	So you've managed to work out something, huh?



  			YOUNG MAN 

  	Right.



  			YOUNG WOMAN

		Yeah.



  			ALVY 

  	Oh, well, thanks very much for talking 

  	to me.



He continues to walk past some other passersby and moves into the street. A 

mounted policeman comes by and stops near him. Alvy looks at the horse, as if 

to speak.



  			ALVY'S VOICE-OVER 

  	You know, even as a kid I always went 

  	for the wrong women.  I think that's my 

  	problem.  When my mother took me to see 

  	Snow White, everyone fell in love with 

  	Snow White.  I immediately fell for the 

  	Wicked Queen.



The scene dissolves into a sequence from the animated Snow White and the Seven 

Dwarfs.  The Wicked Queen, resembling Annie, sits in the palace before her 

mirror.  Alvy, as a cartoon figure, sits beside her, arms crossed in front of 

him.



  			WICKED QUEEN 

  	We never have any fun anymore.



  			CARTOON FIGURE ALVY 

  	How can you say that?



  			WICKED QUEEN 

  	Why not?  You're always leaning on me

   	to improve myself.



  			CARTOON FIGURE ALVY

		You're just upset.  You must be getting 

  	your period.



  			WICKED QUEEN

		I don't get a period!  I'm a cartoon 

  	character.  Can't I be upset once in 

  	a while?



Rob, as a cartoon figure, enters and sits down on the other side of the Wicked 

Queen.



  			CARTOON FIGURE ROB   

  	Max, will you forget about Annie?  I 

  	know lots of women you can date.



  			CARTOON FIGURE ALVY

		I don't wanna go out with any other women.



  			CARTOON FIGURE ROB   

  	Max, have I got a girl for you.  You are

  	going to love her.  She's a reporter-



The cartoon figures of Alvy and Rob walk past the Wicked Queen; the screen 

dissolves into the interior of a concert ball.  Rob's voice carries over from 

the cartoon scene as the screen shows Alvy with the female reporter.  It's very

crowded, noisy; policeman and reporters are everywhere. Alvy stands with his 

hands in his pockets, watching the commotion.



  			CARTOON FIGURE ROB'S VOICE-OVER 

  	-for Rolling Stone.



  			FEMALE REPORTER

		I think there are more people here to 

  	see the Maharishi than there were to see 

  	the Dylan concert.  I covered the Dylan 

  	concert ... which gave me chills.  

  	Especially when he sang "She takes just 

  	like a woman And she makes love just 

  	like a woman Yes, she does And she aches 

  	just like a woman But she breaks just 

  	like a little girl." 

  		(They move toward the aisles as 

  		a guard holds up his hands to stop 

  		them) 

  	Up to that I guess the most charismatic 

  	event I covered was Mick's Birthday when 

			the Stones played Madison Square Garden.



  			ALVY 

  		(Laughing) 

  	Man, that's great.  That's just great.



  			REPORTER 

  	You catch Dylan?



  			ALVY 

  		(Coughing) 

  	Me?  No, no. I-I couldn't make it that 

  	ni- My-my raccoon had hepatitis.



  			REPORTER 

  	You have a raccoon?



  			ALVY 

  		(Gesturing) 

  	Tsch, a few.



  			REPORTER

		The only word for this is trans-plendid.  

  	It's trans-plendid. 



  			ALVY 

  	I can think of another word.



  			REPORTER

		He's God!  I mean, this man is God!  He's 

  	got millions of followers who would crawl 

  	all the way across the world just to touch 

  	the hem of his garment.



  			ALVY 

  	Really?  It must be a tremendous hem.



  			REPORTER 

  	I'm a Rosicrucian myself.



  			ALVY 

  	Are you?



  			REPORTER

		Yeah.



  			ALVY 

  	I can't get with any religion that 

  	advertises in Popular Mechanics.  Look- 

  		(The Maharisbi, a small, chunky 

  		man, walks out of the men's room, 

  		huge bodyguards flanking him while 

  		policemen bold back the crowds)

  	there's God coming outta the men's room.



  			REPORTER

		It's unbelievably trans-plendid!  I was 

  	at the Stones concert in Altamount when 

  	they killed that guy, remember?



  			ALVY

		Yeah, were yuh?  I was-I was at an Alice 

  	Cooper thing where six people were rushed 

  	to the hospital with bad vibes.



INT. ALVY'S BEDROOM-NIGHT



The reporter is sitting up in bed, lighted cigarette in her hand.  Alvy, lying

next to her, rubs his eyes and puts on his eyeglasses.



  			REPORTER

			(Looking down at him) 

  	I hope you don't mind that I took so long 

  	to finish.



  			ALVY

			(Sighing) 

  	Oh, no, no, don't be ... tsch ... don't 

  	be silly.  You know, 

  		(Yawning) 

  	I'm startin' it-I'm startin' to get some 

  	feeling back in my jaw now.



  			REPORTER

		Oh, sex with you is really a kafkaesque 

  	experience.



  			ALVY 

  	Oh, tsch, thank you.  H'm.



  			REPORTER

		I mean that as a compliment.



  			ALVY  

  		(Making sounds) 

  	I think-I think there's too much burden 

  	placed on the orgasm, you know, to make 

  	up for empty areas in life.



  			REPORTER

		Who said that?



  			ALVY 

  		(Rubbing his chin and shoulder) 

  	Uh, oh, I don't know.  It might have 

  	been Leopold and Loeb. 

  		(The telephone rings.  Alvy picks 

  		it up, rising up slightly from the 

  		bed, concerned, as he talks) 

  	Hello.  Oh, hi ... Uh, no, what-what's 

  	the matter?  What-what-what?  You sound 

  	terrible ... No, what- Sure I- Whatta yuh

  	-what kind of an emergency? ... No, well, 

  	stay there.  Stay there, I'll come over 

  	right now.  I'll come over right now.  Just 

  	stay there, I'll come right over.



He hangs up.  The reporter sits in bed still, taking in the situation.



INT. ANNIE'S APARTMENT HALLWAY



Annie, looking slightly distraught, goes to open the door to Alvy's knock.



  			ALVY 

  	What's- It's me, open up.



  			ANNIE

			(Opening the door) 

  	Oh.



  			ALVY

		Are you okay?  What's the matter? 

  		(They look at each other, Annie 

  		sighing) 

  	Are you all right?  What-



  			ANNIE

		There's a spider in the bathroom.



  			ALVY  

  		(Reacting) 

  	What?



  			ANNIE 

  	There's a big black spider in the bathroom.



  			ALVY

		That's what you got me here for at three 

  	o'clock in the morning, 'cause there's a 

  	spider in the bathroom?



  			ANNIE

		My God, I mean, you know how I am about 

  	insects.



  			ALVY

			(Interrupting, sighing) 

  	Oooh.



  			ANNIE

  	-I can't sleep with a live thing crawling 

  	around in the bathroom.



  			ALVY

		Kill it!  For Go- What's wrong with you?  

  	Don't you have a can of Raid in the house?



  			ANNIE

			(Shaking her head) 

  	No.



Alvy, disgusted, starts waving his hands and starts to move into the living 

room.



  			ALVY

			(Sighing) 

  	I told you a thousand times you should 

  	always keep, uh, a lotta insect spray.  

  	You never know who's gonna crawl over.



  			ANNIE 

  		(Following him) 

  	I know, I know, and a first-aid kit and 

  	a fire extinguisher.



  			ALVY

  	Jesus.  All right, gimme a magazine.  

  	I- 'cause I'm a little tired. 

  		(While Annie goes of to find 

  		him a magazine, Alvy, still 

  		talking, glances around the 

  		apartment.  He notices a small 

  		book on a cabinet and picks it up.) 

  	You know, you, you joke with-about me, 

  	you make fun of me, but I'm prepared for 

  	anything.  An emergency, a tidal wave, 

  	an earthquake.  Hey, what is this?  

  	What?  Did you go to a rock concert?



  			ANNIE

		Yeah.



  			ALVY 

  	Oh, yeah, really?  Really?  How-how'd 

  	you like it?  Was it-was it, I mean, 

  	did it ... was it heavy?  Did it achieve 

  	total heavy-ocity?  Or was it, uh...



  			ANNIE

		It was just great!



  			ALVY

			(Thumbing through the book) 

  	Oh, humdinger.  When- Well, I got a 

  	wonderful idea.  Why don'tcha get the 

  	guy who took you to the rock concert, 

  	we'll call him and he can come over and 

  	kill the spider.  You know, it's a-



He tosses the book down on the cabinet.



  			ANNIE 

		I called you; you wanna help me ... or 

  	not?  H'h?  Here. 



She hands him a magazine.



  			ALVY

			(Looking down at the magazine) 

  	What is this?  What are you, since 

  	when do you read the "National Review"?