Raising Arizona

He takes a sip of beer.

GLEN

... Yeah, it's a crazy world.

HI

Someone oughta sell tickets.

GLEN

Sure, I'd buy one.

Hi is looking at another child who is just finishing off the T in FART in crayon on the wall.

Glen chuckles, looking at his errant child.

GLEN
... That Buford's a sly one. Already knows his ABCs. But I'm sayin', how'd ya get the kid?

HI

Well this whole thing is just who knows who and favoritism. Ed has a friend at one of the agencies.

GLEN

Well maybe she can do something for me'n Dot. See there's something wrong with m'semen. Say, that reminds me! What you gonna call him?

HI

Uh, Ed-Ed Jr.

GLEN

Thought you said he was a boy.

HI

Well, as in Edward. Just like that name.

GLEN

(not really interested)

Yeah, it's a good one... Course I don't really need another kid, but Dottie says these-here are gettin' too big to cuddle. Say, that reminds me!

The sound of shattering glass. Glen looks around.

GLEN
Mind ya don't cutchaseff, Mordecai...

EXT. PICNIC GROUNDS

Dot faces Hi and Ed across a picnic table covered with grilled hamburgers, rolls, green jello mold, cooler, etc.

One of the younger children sits in the middle of the table, occasionally taking a fistful of jello and flinging it at Hi. The two women don't seem to notice.

DOT

– and then there's diphtheria-tetanus, what they call dip-tet. You gotta get him dip-tet boosters yearly or else he'll get lockjaw and night vision. Then there's the smallpox vaccine, chicken pox and measles, and if your kid's like ours you gotta take all those shots first to get him to take 'em. Who's your pediatrician, anyway?

ED

We ain't exactly fixed on one yet. Have we Hi?

Hi sits stock-still with a stony face.

ED
... No, I guess we don't have one yet.

Dot shrieks.

DOT
Well you just gotta have one! You just gotta have one this instant!

ED

Yeah, what if the baby gets sick, honey?

DOT

Her, even if he don't get sick he's gotta have his dip-tet!

ED

He's gotta have his dip-tet, honey.

Hi shrugs, then flinches as a piece of jello hits his shoulder.

HI
... Uh-huh.

DOT

You started his bank accounts?

ED

Have we done that honey? We gotta do that honey. What's that for, Dot?

DOT

That-there's for his orthodonture and his college. You soak his thumb in iodine you might get by without the orthodonture, but it won't knock any off the college.

Hi sits stoically. Dot is looking offscreen:

DOT
... Reilly, take that diaper off your head and put it back on your sister!... Anyway, you probably got the life insurance all squared away.

ED

You done that yet honey?

DOT

You gotta do that, Hi! Ed here's got her hands full with that little angel!

HI

(dully)

Yes ma'am.

DOT

What would Ed and the angel do ff a truck came along and splattered your brains all over the interstate? Where would you be then?

ED

Yeah honey, what if you get run over?

DOT

Or you got carried off by a twister?

LAKESIDE PATH

We are tracking on Hi and Glen as they walk side by side. Glen is sopping wet, wearing only swimming suit and wing-tipped shoes. His body is ghostly pale except for a V-area at his neck and his arms below the short-sleeve line, which are a bright angry red.

GLEN
Hear about the person of the Polish persuasion he walks into a bar holdin' a pfle of shit in his hands, says "Look what I almost stepped in."

Glen bursts out laughing; Hi walks on in silence.

HI
... Yeah, that's funny all right...

GLEN

Ya damn right it's funny! Shit man, what's the matter?

HI

I dunno... maybe it's wife, kids, family life... I mean are you, uh, satisfied Glen? Don't y'ever feel suffocated? Like, like there's somethin' big pressin' down...

GLEN

(solemnly)

Eeeeeyep... I do know the feelin'.

Hi shakes his head.

HI
I dunno –

GLEN

And I told Dottie to lose some weight but she don't wanna listen!

He roars with laughter and slaps Hi heartily on the back. As he chuckles sympathetically:

GLEN
... No man, I know what you mean. You got all kinds a responsibilities now. You're married, ya got a kid, looks like your whole fife's set down and where's the excitement?

HI

Yeah Glen, I guess that's it.

GLEN

Okay! That's the disease, but there is a cure.

HI

Yeah?

GLEN

Sure; Doctor Glen is tellin' ya you can heal thyself.

HI

What do I gotta do?

GLEN

Well you just gotta broaden your mind a little bit. I mean say I asked you, what do you think about Dot?

HI

(puzzled)

Fine woman you got there.

Glen is eyeing him shrewdly.

GLEN
Okay. Now it might not look like it, but lemme tell you something: She's a helicat.

HI

That right?

GLEN

T-I-G-E-R.

HI

But what's that got to do with –

GLEN

Don't rush me!

He stops walking. Hi stops also, looking at Glen, Still puzzled. Glen lays a companionable hand on his shoulder.

GLEN
... Now the thing about Dot is, she thinks – and she's told me this –

He looks around as if to make sure they are not being overheard. His tone is confidential.

GLEN

... she thinks... you're cute.

Hi looks suspiciously at Glen's hand on his shoulder.

HI
... Yeah... ?

Glen nods energetically:

GLEN

I'm crappin' you negafive! And I could say the same about Ed!

Through tightly clenched teeth:

HI
What're you talkin' about, Glen?

GLEN

What'm I talkin' about?! I'm talkin' about sex, boy! What the hell're you talkin' about?! You know, "L'amour"?! I'm talkin' me'n Dot are Swingers! As in "to Swing"! Wife-swappin'! What they call nowadays Open Marriage!

Beaming, he takes his hand off Hi's shoulder and spreads his arms.

GLEN

I'm talkin' about the Sex Revolution! I'm talkin' about –

THWAK – Hi's fist swings into frame to connect solidly with Glen's jaw.

Glen's feet leave the ground. He flies back and lands in a heap.

LOW-ANGLE REVERSE

Glen in the foreground, groggily rubbing his jaw; Hi approaching menacingly.

HI
Keep your goddamned hands off my wife!

GLEN
Shit man!

He is scrambling to his feet.

GLEN

... I was only tryin' to help!

HI

Keep your goddamned hands off my wife!

With Hi still advancing, Glen starts to run.

TRACKING ON GLEN

With Hi pursuing in the background.

Glen is looking back over his shoulder to shout at Hi as he runs.

GLEN
You're crazy! I feel pity for you, man! You –

CRASH! – Glen runs smack into a tree and drops like a sack of cement.

INT. CAR NIGHT

Hi is driving, his jaw rigidly set, his temple throbbing.

Nathan Jr. sits in a safety seat between him and Ed.

ED
We finally go out with some decent people and you break his nose. That ain't too funny, Hi.

HI

(stolidly)

His kids seemed to think it was funny.

ED

Well they're just kids, you're a grown man with responsibilities. Whatever possessed you?

HI

He was provokin' me when I popped him.

ED

How'd he do that?

HI

... Never mind.

ED

But Hi, he's your foreman, he's just gonna fire you now.

HI

I expect he will.

ED

And where does that leave me and Nathan Jr.?

HI

With a man for a husband.

He is pulling into a convenience store parking lot.

ED

That ain't no answer.

HI

Honey, that's the only answer.

He puts the car in park but leaves it running.

HI

... Nathan needs some Huggies. I'll be out directly.

As he gets out of the car:

HI

... Mind you stay strapped in.

INT. STORE

A hand enters to take a package of panty hose from the standing rack.

CLOSE SHOT HUGGIES

A hand enters to take a big carton of disposable diapers from the shelf.

CLOSEUP CASHIER

A pimply-faced lad with a paper 7-Eleven cap on his head. He is looking up from a dirty magazine, reacting in horror to something approaching.

HI'S POV

Hi is approaching the check-out island with a gun in one hand, the carton of Huggies tucked under the other. The L'Eggs stocking is pulled over his head to distort his features.

HI
I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash you got.

CLOSE SHOT CASHIER‘S HAND

As he presses a silent alarm under the lip of his counter.

EXT. CAR

Ed is reading to Nathan Jr. from a large picture book.

ED
"Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin." Then I'll huff and I'll puff...'

She pauses for a moment, listening. We can barely hear a distant siren. She resumes absently, but her voice trails off.

ED

"... and I'll blow your house in ..."

We can definitely hear the WHOO-WHOO of the siren now, and it is definitely approaching. Ed hooks an arm around the seat and looks behind the car, then looks forward.

HER POV

Indistinctly visible through the semi-reflective glass are two figures at the check-out island. One is pointing something at the other.

BACK TO ED

As the siren is growing louder. Under her breath:

ED

That sonof-a-bitch.

She unstraps herself and gets out of the car.

INT. STORE

Two-shot of Hi and the CASHIER, who is stuffing bills into a grocery bag. Beyond them we can see Ed, outside, circling the front of the car.

Her shout is muffled through the glass:

ED
You son-of-a-bitch!

With this Hi notices her. He turns to the Cashier.

HI
Better hurry it up. I'm in dutch with the wife.

But Ed is already getting into the driver's seat of the car.

BACK TO ED

As she slams the car door shut. The siren is quite loud now.

ED

That son-of-a-bitch. Hang on, pumpkin.

The car squeals out of the lot.

WIDE SHOT THE STREET

The squad car tops a rise to bounce into view, its siren wailing.

BACK TO THE STORE

Hi bursts out the door, still wearing the stocking. The carton of Huggies is still tucked under one arm.

Bellowing hopefully after his departing car:

HI
Honey!

We hear the SMACK-CRACK of a gunshot and glass impact, but the approaching squad car is still too far down the block to have been the source.

Hi looks around the parking lot, bewildered.

The wailing siren is becoming painfully loud.

Hi looks behind him at the plate-glass front of the store, where a bullet pock mars the glass.

HIS POV

Through the glass we see the pimply young Cashier with the paper 7-Eleven cap pop up from behind the counter to sight down his huge .44 Magnum for another shot. The gun is so big he uses both hands to heft it.

SMACK-CRACK – the bullet kisses another hole in the glass.

Hi is off and running.

The squad car is screeching into the lot. An officer tumbles out of the passenger side before the car is fully stopped. He rolls on the pavement, then hurriedly rights himself and takes up a half-kneeling shooting stance.

At the same time the little Cashier is emerging from the 7-Eleven with his gun.

The two bang away at Hi's retreating figure – the Policeman's revolver popping, the Cashier's Magnum booming.

We hear the Policeman who is still in the car drawling over its loudspeaker:

SPEAKER
Halt. It's a police warning, son. Put those groceries down and turn yourself in.

TRACKING ON HI

Legs pumping, panty hose still over his head, its unused leg streaming behind him like an aviator's scarf. The gun is tucked into his belt; the Huggies are tucked securely under his arm.

Behind him we can see the OFFICER and the Cashier squeeze off another couple shots, and then the policeman piles back into the squad car.

ED'S CAR

Driving. She hears distant gunshots.

ED

That son of a bitch... Hold on, Nathan. We're gonna go pick up Daddy.

She hangs a vicious U-turn.

TRACKING ON HI

Huffing and puffing down the road with his Huggies.

The cop car careens onto the street in the background, its siren wailing.

The PASSENGER COP is leaning far out his window, one hand gripping the light-and-siren rack, the other pointing a gun at Hi, shooting away.

Bullets whizz past.