Quentin Tarantino's

NICE GUY EDDIE

When I was coming down here, I was

playin it. And "The Night the

Lights Went Out in Georgia" came

on. Now I ain't heard that song

since it was big, but when it was

big, I heard it a million-

trillion times. I'm listening to

it this morning, and this was the

first time I ever realized that

the lady singing the song, was the

one who killed Andy.

MR. BLUE

You didn't know Vicki Lawrence

killed the guy?

NICE GUY EDDIE

I thought the cheatin wife shot

Andy.

MR. BLONDE

They say it in the song.

NICE GUY EDDIE

I know, I heard it. I musta zoned

out whenever that part came on

before. I thought when she said

that little sister stuff, she was

talkin about her sister- in-law,

the cheatin wife.

JOE

No, she did it. She killed the

cheatin wife, too.

MR. PINK

You know the part in "Gypsies,

Tramps and Theives," when she says

"Poppa woulda shot his if he knew

what he'd done?" I could never

figure out what he did.

The table laughs. The WAITRESS comes over to the table.

She has the check, and a pot of coffee.

WAITRESS

Can I get anybody more

coffee.

JOE

No, we're gonna be hittin it.

I'll take care of the check.

She hands the bill to him.

WAITRESS

Here ya go. Please pay at the

register, if you wouldn't mind.

JOE

Sure thing.

WAITRESS

You guys have a wonderful day.

They all mutter equivalents. She exits and Joe stands up.

JOE

I'll take care of this, you guys

leave the tip.

(to Mr. White)

And when I come back, I want my

book back.

MR. WHITE

Sorry, it's my book now.

JOE

Blonde, shoot this piece of shit,

will ya?

Mr. Blonde shoots Mr. White with his finger. Mr White

acts shot. Joe exits.

NICE GUY EDDIE

Okay, everybody cough up green for

the little lady.

Everybody whips out a buck, and throws it on the table.

Everybody, that is, except Mr. White.

NICE GUY EDDIE

C'mon, throw in a buck.

MR. WHITE

Uh-uh. I don't tip.

NICE GUY EDDIE

Whaddaya mean you don't tip?

MR. WHITE

I don't believe in it.

NICE GUY EDDIE

You don't believe in tipping?

MR. PINK

(laughing)

I love this kid, he's a madman,

this guy.

MR. BLONDE

Do you have any idea what these

ladies make? They make shit.

MR. WHITE

Don't give me that. She don't

make enough money, she can quit.

Everybody laughs.

NICE GUY EDDIE

I don't even know a Jew who'd have

the balls to say that. So let's

get this straight. You never ever

tip?

MR. WHITE

I don't tip because society says I

gotta. I tip when somebody

deserves a tip. When somebody

really puts forth an effort, they

deserve a little something extra.

But this tipping automatically,

that shit's for the birds. As far

as I'm concerned, they're just

doin their job.

MR. BLUE

Our girl was nice.

MR. WHITE

Our girl was okay. She didn't do

anything special.

MR. BLONDE

What's something special, take ya

in the kitchen and suck your dick?

They all laugh.

NICE GUY EDDIE

I'd go over twelve percent for

that.

MR. WRITE

Look, I ordered coffee. Now we've

been here a long fuckin time, and

she's only filled my cup three

times. When I order coffee, I

want it filled six times.

MR. BLONDE

What if she's too busy?

MR. WHITE

The words "too busy" shouldn't be

in a waitress's vocabulary.

NICE GUY EDDIE

Excuse me, Mr. White, but the last

thing you need is another cup of

coffee.

They all laugh.

MR. WHITE

These ladies aren't starvin to

death. They make minimum wage.

When I worked for minimum wage, I

wasn't lucky enough to have a job

that society deemed tipworthy.

NICE GUY EDDIE

Ahh, now we're getting down to it.

It's not just that he's a cheap

bastard--

MR. ORANGE

--It is that too--

NICE GUY EDDIE

--It is that too. But it's also

he couldn't get a waiter job. You

talk like a pissed off dishwasher:

"Fuck those cunts and their

fucking tips."

MR. BLONDE

So you don't care that they're

counting on your tip to live?

Mr. White rubs two of his fingers together.

MR. WHITE

Do you know what this is? It's

the world's smallest violin,

playing just for the waitresses.

MR. BLONDE

You don't have any idea what

you're talking about. These

people bust their ass. This

is a hard job.

MR. WHITE

So's working at McDonald's, but

you don't feel the need to tip

them. They're servin ya food, you

should tip em. But no, society

says tip these guys over here, but

not those guys over there. That's

bullshit.

MR. ORANGE

They work harder than the kids at

McDonald's.

MR. WHITE

Oh yeah, I don't see them cleaning

fryers.

MR. BROWN

These people are taxed on the tips

they make. When you stiff 'em,

you cost them money.

MR. BLONDE

Waitressing is the number one

occupation for female non-college

graduates in this country. It's

the one jab basically any woman

can get, and make a living on.

The reason is because of tips.

MR. WHITE

Fuck all that.

They all laugh.

MR. WHITE

Hey, I'm very sorry that the

government taxes their tips.

That's fucked up. But that ain't

my fault. it would appear that

waitresses are just one of the

many groups the government fucks

in the ass on a regular basis.

You show me a paper says the

government shouldn't do that, I'll

sign it. Put it to a vote, I'll

vote for it. But what I won't do

is play ball. And this non-

college bullshit you're telling

me, I got two words for that:

"Learn to fuckin type." Cause if

you're expecting me to help out

with the rent, you're in for a big

fuckin surprise.