Runaway Bride

       BARTENDER
  You noticed these are all countries
  without cable.
   (then, continues
    reading)
  "... And in Hale, Maryland where she
  helps run the family hardware store. 
  She is known as Miss Maggie Carpenter
  ..."
   (mispronounces)
  ".... AKA, the Runaway Bride."

       CUT TO:

 EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY

 WORKERS read the above article.

 INT./EXT. BEAUTY PARLOR / HALE, MARYLAND - DAY

 PEGGY and MRS. PRESSMAN exit the parlor and stroll down the
 street. (lowers her paper and reads.)

       PEGGY (cont'd)
  "... And in Hale, Maryland where she
  helps run the family hardware store."
   (to the Women)
  We have to go to Maggie.  Cindy, mind
  the shop.
   (exits salon;
    continues reading)
  "... She is known as Miss Maggie
  Carpenter, AKA, the Runaway Bride."

       MRS. PRESSMAN
  Holy moly.

 The older one, Mrs. Pressman, listens with a pained expression
 as the younger one, Peggy, continues to read the column aloud. 
 Neither one can believe what they're reading.

       PEGGY
   (reads)
  "What is unusual about Miss Carpenter
  is that she likes to dress her men up
  as grooms before she devours them.  She
  has already disemboweled six in a row
  by leaving them at the altar."... I
  can't ready anymore.

       MRS. PRESSMAN
   (takes paper from
    her, reads)
  "And her ritual feast continues as she
  prepares to make a sacrifice out of the
  seventh fiance.  So all bets are on and
  we hope that this boomerang bride isn't
  honeymooning with Las Vegas odds makers
  because many predict that this girl is
  out of there before the race... before
  the rice hits the ground"
   (then)
  Holy moly.

 Peggy and Mrs. Pressman step into a hardware store.

 INT. HARDWARE STORE - CONTINUOUS

 Peggy and Mrs. Pressman enter, worried.

       MRS. PRESSMAN
  You tell Maggie.

       PEGGY
  No, you tell her.

       MRS. PRESSMAN
  No, no.  You're her best friend.

       PEGGY
  No.

       MRS. PRESSMAN
   (holding her
    newspaper)
  You know, it's just possible that she
  hasn't read this yet.

       PEGGY
  Yeah.

       MRS. PRESSMAN
  Maybe she hasn't read the paper...

 On the counter, they see a copy of USA Today opened to the
 article about Maggie.

       MRS. PRESSMAN (cont'd)
  ... Or not!

 We follow MAGGIE down the back stairs inside The Hale Hardware
 Store, the prettiest, most welcoming shop of its kind anywhere
 in small town USA.  Somehow the place ha taken on the spirit of
 the owner's daughter; both stop and shop-girl radiate brightness,
 charm, and possibility.  Maggie comes down steps with a faucet
 handle and goes to an elderly customer, MR. PAXTON.

       MAGGIE
   (bright)
  Here we go!  One antique hot water
  handle with the "HOT" still on it,
  guaranteed to fit any American Standard
  cast iron tub with a four-inch center
  made between 1924 and 1938.  In other
  words, I think you're out of the
  doghouse with Mrs. Paxton.

       MR. PAXTON
   (amazed)
  Hallelujah.

       MAGGIE
  Alright, Mr. Paxton, I'll put it on
  your account.

 Maggie rounds the bend, another customer, EARL, stands by the
 paint machine.

       EARL
  Maggie.

       MAGGIE
   (walking past customer)
  You don't need an air conditioner, Earl,
  you just need an attic fan -- There's
  more in the back.

 Maggie steps behind the front counter of the store and takes the
 account book out.  Her voice trails off as she sees the dour
 expression on the faces of her friends.

       MAGGIE (cont'd)
  What?

 Peggy nervously mentions the newspaper.

       PEGGY
   (delicate)
  So -- Mag -- you've seen this, huh?

       MAGGIE
   (serious)
  Yes, I've seen it.  And I have to say
  it's the rudest and most offensive...
  joke anybody's ever played on me!

 To their amazement, Maggie starts smiling.

       MAGGIE (cont'd)
  You guys!  How long did this take you?

 Maggie stays amused.

       MAGGIE (cont'd)
  Where'd you get this done?
   (laughing)
  You creeps!  I should disinvite you! 
  And why did you say seven times?  This
  is four.

       PEGGY
  Uh, Maggie, you told us to bachelorette
  jokes, so we didn't...

 Maggie looks at the stricken face of her friends.

       MRS. PRESSMAN
  Holy moly.

 Peggy looks like she is going to cry with sympathy for Maggie. 
 Maggie is starting to feel uncomfortable.  She looks down,
 dubiously, at the paper.

       MAGGIE
  Um, you know, now would be a good
  moment to tell me this is fake.
   (no response)
  It won't be funny if you drag it out. 
  Okay?
   (no response)
  Okay, well... I mean, I can find out...
  Real newspapers smear.  Phoney papers
  don't.

 She picks up the paper and brushes it against her apron, leaving
 an INK SMEAR!!

 She nearly kneels over.

       MAGGIE (cont'd)
   (sitting)
  Bag.

 Peggy and Mrs. Pressman immediately spring to her side.  They
 give her a bag to breathe in.

       MRS. PRESSMAN
  Bag.

       CUT TO:

 INT. MAGGIE'S WORKOUT ROOM/GYM - NIGHT

 We see Maggie kickboxing in anger.  The radio is on.  She
 suddenly stops, yanks Ike's article off the wall, leaves her
 workout area and goes to her desk.

 ANGLE ON DESK AREA:

 She turns off the radio and begins to type her letter.

       MAGGIE (V.O.)
   "Dear Editor..."

 EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT

 As Maggie's VOICE-OVER continues to read her letter, we take in
 a Manhattan busy day.  It is big, loud, and anonymous.

       MAGGIE (V.O.; cont'd)
  "Greeting from the sticks!  Perhaps you
  believe that a rural education is
  focused mainly on hog calling and
  tractor maintenance rather than reading. 
  Why else would you print a piece of
  fiction about me and call it fact?"

 Te CAMERA FINDS Ike, striding across a busy street, dodging
 taxies.  A WOMAN smacks him with a newspaper.  He passes a WOMAN
 TRAFFIC OFFICER, then a hot dog stand.  He greets and passes a
 FALAFEL VENDOR.  THE CAMERA PANS to a USA Today Truck.

       MAGGIE (V.O.; cont'd)
  "I suppose Mr. Graham was too busy
  thinking us slanderous statements about
  how I dump men for kicks to bother with
  something silly like accuracy in
  reporting.  Which is understandable,
  because with a "man-eater" like me on
  the loose, who has time to check facts?"

 EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - CONTINUOUS

 He passes regular GUYS who cheer him.

       MAGGIE (V.O.; cont'd)
  "Still, we cannibalistic queens can get
  pretty cranky when we see things in
  print that hurt our feelings, like that
  we deliberately abandon fiances with
  malice aforethought."

 INT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - CONTINUOUS

 He enters the newspaper building, going to Ellie's office.

 INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

 He walks through the crowded city room.  His arrival attracts a
 lot of attention from his CO-WORKERS.  Ike seems a little
 surprised, but he's pleased.

       MAGGIE (V.O.; cont'd)
  "That's why I was surprised to find Mr.
  Graham's editor was a woman. Call me a
  sentimental fool, but I sort of hoped
  we man-eater could stick together."

 Ike works his way down the hall to the editor's office.  CHUFFA
 Ike greets various workers.  He steps up to the editor's
 secretary, ELAINE.  She doesn't smile.

       IKE
   (to Elaine)
  I'll put in a good word for you.

       ELAINE
  No, no, don't mention my name in there.

       IKE
  Why?

 A buzz.

       ELAINE
  You can go in now.

 Ike goes into Ellie's office.  Elaine picks up her phone.

       CUT TO:

 INT. ELLIE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

 ELLIE is that editor.  Stylish and successful looking, she's
 about Ike's age.  Ellie sits behind a big desk with a scowl on
 her pretty face.  Her casual-looking husband, Fisher, sits
 nonchalantly on the arm of the couch.  Ike enters as Ellie reads
 Maggie's letter.

       ELLIE
   (reading letter)
  "Anyway, I'm just dropping you big city
  folk this little note to say that I have
  thought of a ritual sacrifice that would
  satisfy my current appetite: Ike
  Graham's column on a platter.  Yours
  truly, Maggie Carpenter.  P.S. -- I
  have inclosed a list of the gross
  factual misrepresentations in your
  article.  There are fifteen."

 Ike sits as Ellie puts the letter down and takes off her glasses.

       IKE
   (chuckles as he sits)
  Fully.  I like her.  She has wit.

       ELLIE
  I left four messages.  You don't return
  my calls.

       IKE
  So?  I never returned your calls, even
  when we were married.  And what's
  Fisher doing here anyway?

 Fisher gets and places a photo of the cat on a bookshelf on his
 way to the other side of the room.

       FISHER
  Ellie asked me to come down to offer
  moral support.

       IKE
  Since when does Ellie need moral supp--

       ELLIE
  -- It's for you, Ike.

       IKE
  What?

       ELLIE
  Journalism lesson number one.  If you
  fabricate your facts, you get fired.

 Ellie pushes USA Today lawyer's letter across the desk for him
 to read.  Ike picks it up and skims the letter.  His face is as
 impassive as stone.

       IKE
  Lesson number two.  Never work for your
  former spouse.

       ELLIE
  That's not nothing to do with it.  You
  cooked this story up and you know it.

       IKE
  I didn't cook up a story.  I had a
  source.

       ELLIE
  Someone reliable, I'm sure.  A booze-
  hound in a bar?

       FISHER
  In vino veritas.

       IKE
  Don't knock drunk guys in bars.  Drunk
  guys in bars are good.  It means
  they're not driving.

 Ike gets up and stands near Ellie, making his point.

       IKE (cont'd)
  Besides, I'm a columnist.  This is what
  columnists are supposed to do.  This is
  what you like.  We push, we stretch, we
  go out on a limo.  That's what makes me
  good!

       ELLIE
  No, that's what makes you unemployed.

       IKE
  I merely write the stuff.  You're the
  one that serves it up.

 Ike puts down the letter and puts his glasses back into his
 pocket.

       ELLIE
  Not anymore.  I have to draw the line.
   (pushing a piece
    of paper)
  She sent us this list.  Our lawyers say
  it's actionable.

 Ellie hands Ike Maggie's list.

       IKE
   (scoffs)
  Lawyers.
   (glances at list)
  I don't know, Ellie -- Firing me is
  going to be very tough on you.  It's
  going to be hard to get over.  There
  will be therapy bills for you.

       ELLIE
   (shrugs)
  I already made an appointment for later
  today.