SPACEBALLS

SPACEBALLS   

Once upon a time warp. . . .

In a galaxy very, very, very, very, far away, there lived a ruthless race of beings known as . . . Spaceballs.

Chapter Eleven

The evil leaders of Planet Spaceball, having foolishly spuandered their precious atmosphere, have devised a secret plan to take every breath of air away from their peace-loving neighbor, Planet Druidia.

Today is Princess Vespa's wedding day. Unbeknownest to the princess, but knowest to us, danger lurks in the stars above. . .

If you can read this, you don't need glasses.

EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE SPACEBALL 1 passes by at a slow speed. It takes the ship about two minutes to pass. At the end of the ship is a bumper sticker that says, "WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY."

INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE SANDURZ is standing in the front of the ship.

RICO Colonel Sandurz.

SANDURZ What is it, Sergeant Rico?

RICO You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.

SANDURZ So.

RICO Planet Druidia is in sight, sir.

SANDURZ You're really a Spaceball. You know that, don't you?

RICO Thanks, sir.

SANDURZ Have you notified Lord Helmet?

RICO Yes, sir. I took the liberty. He's on his way.

VOICE (O.S.) Make way for Dark Helmet.

SANDURZ All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet.

A door opens revealing DARK HELMET, he resembles Darth Vader, walking toward camera. He stops in front of camera, and is having trouble breathing with the mask down.

HELMET (pulls mask up) I can't breathe in this thing.

SANDURZ We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.

HELMET Good. I'll call Spaceball City, and notify President Skroob immediately.

RICO I already called him, sir. He knows everything.

HELMET What? You went over my helmet?

RICO Well, not exactly over it, sir. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!

HELMET (puts on Schwartz ring)

RICO Oh shit! No, no, no, no, no, please, no, no, please, no, not that. (covers his neck)

HELMET (pulls mask down) Yes. That. (shoots a green ray at Rico's crouch)

RICO Whaoooooooo! Owwwwwwwwww!

GUARDS take him away. HELMET Sandurz.

SANDURZ (covers his crouch) Sir?

HELMET I don't see Planet Druidia. Where is it?

SANDURZ We don't have visual contact yet, sir, but we have it on the radar screen. Shall I punch it up for you?

HELMET Na, nevermind. I'll do it myself.

HELMET and SANDURZ walk to the radar screen. HELMET stops in front of the coffee maker.

SANDURZ Very good, sir. HELMET What's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen. SANDURZ No, sir. We call it, "Mr. Coffee." (points at label, "Mr. Coffee") Care for some?

HELMET Yes! I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that.

SANDURZ Of course I do, sir. HELMET Everybody knows that.

EVERYBODY (covers their crouch) Of course we do, sir.

HELMET (takes coffee) Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?

SANDURZ (points to label "Mr. Radar") Right here, sir.

HELMET Switch to teleview.

RADAR changes to a picture of Planet Druidia.

HELMET There it is, Planet Druidia, and underneath the air shield, ten thousand years of fresh air. We must get through that air shield.

SANDURZ We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield. Thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceballs.

HELMET Everybody got that. Good! When will the princess be married?

SANDURZ Within the hour, sir.

HELMET Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon. (takes a drink of coffee) Mmmmmmm, mmmmmm, mmmmmm.

SANDURZ hits his back. HELMET spits out coffee and his mask falls down. HELMET (mask down) Hot! Too hot!

PLANET DRUIDIA - EXT. CHAPLE - DAY Sign reads, "Today, the Royal Wedding of Princess Vespa to Prince Valium. Tomorrow, Bingo."

INT. CHAPLE - DAY The USHER is fixing something on KING ROLAND'S outfit. PRINCESS VESPA is pacing.

ROLAND Oh, if only your mother were alive to see this day. All right, is everyone ready?

USHER Yes, your majesty.

VESPA No! Where's my droid of honor?

USHER Oh dear, yes. Where's Dot? Dot? Dot Matrix? Oh, thank god. Where've you been?

DOT Here I am. I'm sorry. I had to make a pit stop. I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil.

USHER All right, people. It's magic time.

ROLAND All right, everyone, starting on the left foot. (puts his right foot out)

VESPA Daddy that's your right foot.

ROLAND It's too late. Keep going.

They start walking down the aisle. The organ is playing "Here Comes the Bride."

VESPA (stops) Daddy.

Organ player stops.

VESPA Must I go through with this.

ROLAND I'm sorry, my dear, you have to.

They start walking again. The organ starts up again.

VESPA (stops) But, daddy.

Organ stops again.

VESPA I don't love him.

ROLAND I'm sorry, Vespa, he's the last prince left in the galaxy.

VALIUM yawns. They reach the altar.

MINISTER Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion, to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland....

VESPA starts running toward the door, while Dot is dragging behind.

MINISTER ....going right past the alter, heading down the ramp, and out the door.

ROLAND Stop her! Someone, stop her! Stop her!

EXT. CHAPEL - DAY VESPA and DOT come out of the chapel. They head for the getaway car.

DOT Hey wait! You forgot to get married. Will you stop?

They get to the car. VESPA opens the door.

DOT What are you doing?

VESPA (starts to get in the getaway car) No questions, Dot. Get in.

Car starts up, and the ramp starts to tilt upward. Everyone else comes out of the chapel.

ROLAND What is she doing? Where is she going?

The car takes off toward space.

VALIUM Come baaaaack! (yawns while saying back)

INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE The Eagle 5 is a Winnebago with wings. BARF is eating ice cream and dancing to music. BARF is a mog. He's half man, half dog. LONE STARR is at the wheel, asleep. LONE STARR is drunk. He is a normal human. "AUTOMATIC PILOT" is flashing. The phone starts ringing.

LONE STARR (wakes up) Barf. Barf. Barf!

BARF Huh?

LONE STARR(O.S) Barf!

BARF Always when I'm eating.

BARF puts down the ice cream, and picks up some Milkbones.

LONE STARR Barf!

BARF What can I do you for, boss?

LONE STARR Where ya been?

BARF Oh, just grabbin' myself a snack. You want some? (offers a Milkbone to Lone Starr)

LONE STARR No!