WAG THE DOG

                               WAG THE DOG 

                                    by

                                David Mamet

FADE IN:

A CARD, WHITE ON THE BLACK SCREEN, READS

            Why does a dog wag its tail?

BENEATH IT, THE NEXT LINE FADES IN:

            Because a dog is smarter than its tail.

CROSS-FADE TO THE NEXT CARD, WHICH READS:

            If the tail were smarter, the tail would wag the dog.

DISSOLVE

FADE IN:

EXT THE WHITE HOUSE NIGHT

A VAN FULL OF PEOPLE STOPS AT A SIDE ENTRANCE.

ANGLE INT THE WHITE HOUSE

AT THE SIDE, UTILITY ENTRANCE, WE SEE THE DISGORGING WORKING-CLASS MEN AND
WOMEN, THEY PASS THROUGH SECURITY SCREENING IN THE B.G., THROUGH METAL
DETECTORS, AND PAST SEVERAL GUARDS WHO CHECK THE PHOTO-I.D.'S AROUND THEIR
NECKS.

ANGLE INT THE WHITE HOUSE

WILFRED AMES, AND AMY CAIN, A BRIGHT YOUNG WOMAN IN HER TWENTIES, WALKING DOWN
A CORRIDOR, LOOKING WORRIED.

ANGLE AMES AND CAIN
AMES AND CAIN HAVE STOPPED AT THE END OF THE HALL.  BEYOND THEM WE SEE THE
CLEANING PEOPLE COMING IN FROM THE VAN, AND BEING CLEARED THROUGH A METAL
DETECTOR INTO A HOLDING AREA, AND HANDED CLEANING MATERIALS, MOPS, VACUUMS, ET
CETERA, BY A TYPE HOLDING A CLIPBOARD.  PART OF THE GROUP, A MAN IN HIS
FORTIES, IN A RATTY JACKET, OPEN COLLARED SHIRT, PASSES THROUGH THE GROUP,
AND IS STOPPED BY A SECRET SERVICEMAN WHO APPEARS NEXT TO AMES.  IN THE B.G.
WE SEE A TV IN AN ADJACENT ROOM, SHOWING A POLITICAL COMMERCIAL.

                          AMES
                    (TO SECRET SERVICEMAN)
            ...That's him.

AMES MOVES OUT OF THE SHOT.  LEAVING US ON THE POLITICAL COMMERCIAL.

WE SEE TWO BUSINESS PEOPLE ON THE PLANE, A MAN AND A WOMAN.

                          BUSINESSMAN
            Well, all I know, you don't change horses in the middle
            of the stream.

                          BUSINESSWOMAN
            "Don't change Horses," well, there's a lot of truth in
            that.

THE IMAGE SHIFTS TO A PRESIDENT, DOING PRESIDENTIAL THINGS.  AND THE VOICE-
OVER.

                          VOICE-OVER
            For Peace, prosperity, for all of us:  Don't change
            Horses in...

ANGLE

A CORRIDOR OF THE WHITE HOUSE, AS AMES AND THE MAN IN THE RATTY JACKET (BREAN)
WALK HURRIEDLY.  AMES FINISHES ONE CIGARETTE AND USES THE BUTT TO LIGHT A
FRESH ONE.  THEY PASS BY A LARGE PHOTOGRAPH OF THE BACK OF A MAN, BENDING TO
SHAKE HANDS WITH ONE OF A LINE OF GIRLSCOUTS.  AMES GLANCES UP AT THE
PHOTOGRAPH AND SHARES HIS HEAD DEJECTEDLY.

INT WHITE  HOUSE "SITUATION" ROOM.   NIGHT.

A WOMAN WITH A STENOPAD, ARRANGING PADS AND PENCILS AT A SMALL CONFERENCE
TABLE.  A SECRET SERVICE TYPE PUTS HIS HEAD IN THE ROOM, AND BOWS OUT, AND
NODS, BREAN AND AMES ENTER HURRIEDLY.

                          AMES
            We're going to...

HE STOPS TALKING AS A WHITE HOUSE WAITER ENTERS WITH A TRAY WITH COFFEE THINGS
ON IT, FOLLOWED BY TWO YOUNG AIDES, SLEEPY AND DISHEVELLED, WHO ENTER QUICKLY,
AND APOLOGIES UNUTTERED, SIT AND MAKE THEMSELVES SMALL.

BREAN MAKES A LITTLE GESTURE AT THE WAITER, WHO IS SETTING OUT THE COFFEE,
AND AT THE STENOGRAPHER, MEANING "GET THEM OUT OF HERE."

                          AMES
            Thank you, that'll be all.

THE STENOGRAPHER AND THE WAITER LEAVE

                          BREAN
                    (OF THE TWO STAFFERS)
            Who we got here...?

                          AMES
            John Levy, Staff, and Amy Cain, Press Off....

                          BREAN
            Alright.  Look here, any of you kids hear in this
            room:  what you hear here, what you say here, what you
            do here, f'it got out, you leaked it.
                    (TO AMES)
            Tell'em what they need to know.

                          AMES
            When it broke, he said one word:  get me Ronnie Brean.

                          BREAN
                    (NODS)
            Well.  Alright.  What is it?  What's, he, uh...?  He
            had an Illegal Immigrant, was his Gardener, some years
            back...?
                    (SMILES)
            What's the thing?  You people get ahead, you sure get
            nervous.

AN AIDE ENTERS, WITH SEVERAL TYPED SHEETS, WHICH SHE HANDS TO CAIN. CAIN
READS TO HERSELF, PASSES THEM TO AMES.

                          BREAN
                    (CON'T)
            ...he made a pass at some Secretary, back in...

AMES TAKES THE SHEETS, AND READS.  GESTURES TO BREAN, "ONE MOMENT, PLEASE."

ANGLE INS.  THE SHEET, WHICH AMES HOLDS.

IT READS
             AS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES I REGRET THAT
            PERSONAL INCAPACITY HAS RENDERED ME MOMENTARILY UNABLE
            TO CONFRONT AND CORRECT....

ANGLE
BREAN LOOKING ON, AS AMES READS, AND SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY.  BREAN TAKES THE
SHEETS.

ANGLE  INS.
READING OVER BREAN'S SHOULDERS
            1.)  Statutory Rape.
            2.)  The President's long-documented mental problems
            3.)  Brought about by reaction to Drugs to control
            flu...?

ANGLE AMES READING OVER BREAN'S SHOULDER.

                          AMES
            ...did he have the flu...?

                          CAIN
            It can be documented that he displayed the...

BREAN LAYS DOWN THE SHEET SOMBERLY, EVERYONE LOOKS AT HIM.

                          BREAN
            This ain't the illegal immigrant Nanny.

                          CAIN
            There was a group of Girlscouts here from Indiana last
            month.  One of them expressed an interest in a
            Frederick Remington bust.  The president took her into
            the oval Office, for a period...

                          AMES
            Three minutes.  It couldn't have been over three
            minutes, the Secret Service...

BREAN GESTURES HIM TO BE QUIET.

                          BREAN
            Okay.  And she's alleging...?

CAIN GESTURES BREAN TO KEEP READING THE SHEETS IN FRONT OF HIM.  HE DOES SO.
PAUSE.  TO HIMSELF.

                          BREAN
                    (CON'T)
            Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

                          AMES
            We are virtually certain it isn't...

                          BREAN
            Who's got the story?
                    (PAUSE)

                          AMES
            Don't you want to know if it's true?

                          BREAN
            What difference does it make if it's true?
                    (PAUSE)
            It's a story, and, it breaks they're gonna have to run
            with it -- How long've we got til it breaks?
                    (PAUSE)

                          AMES
            Front page.  Washington Post.  Tomorrow.

                          BREAN
            Well, yeah.  Now.  That's not good.  Okay:
                    (PAUSE)
            Okay.  We'll set up the War Room Here...

AN AIDE BRINGS HIM A CUP OF COFFEE.

                          BREAN
            Thank you.  Now:  where is he?

                          LEVY
            China.

                          BREAN
            When's he coming back...?

                          LEVY
            Touchdown, Andrews, fourteen hundred, today.

BREAN TAKES A NOTEBOOK OUT OF HIS POCKET, AND LOOKS AT IT.

                          BREAN
                    (AS HE READS FROM HIS NOTEBOOK)
            Alright, now, here:  he stays on the ground in China
            til Tomorrow.

                          CAIN
            ...why?

                          BREAN
            ...you the Press Office?

                          CAIN
            ...Yes.

                          BREAN
                    (SHRUGS)
            Earn your money.  ...He's ill, the Plane is sick...

                          CAIN
                    (MAKING NOTES)
            ...Good...

                          AMES
            When do we bring'em back?

                          BREAN
            You gotta give me a day.  I need a day.
                    (PAUSE)
            He's sick, get it out now.  Get him on the phone'n tell
            him how sick he is.  We got to get it out before the
            story breaks, so we aren't quote, responding to it.
            Issue is as a bulletin.  He's got some rare strain
            of...

                          AMES
            It won't hold.

                          BREAN
            All I need is the one day.

                          AMES
            It won't even hold the one day, Ronnie --

                          BREAN
            Yes -- It will... Now:  why is the President in China?

                          LEVY
            Trade Re1ations.

                          BREAN
            You're goddamn right.  And it's got nothing to do with
            the B-2 Bomber.
                    (PAUSE)

                          LEVY
            There is no B-2 Bomber,

                          BREAN
            That's what I'm telling you.
                    (PAUSE.  HE GLANCES AT HIS WATCH.)
            The two things:  the two things:  Rare strain of flu,
            No Cause to Be Alarmed.  And the B-2 Bomber...
                    (TO AIDES)
            Clear me a space.  Get me a copy, go rob one, get it
            off the computer, Wash Post, N.Y. TIMES,

                          AIDE
            You want some research, flu?  Side-effects of medi....

                          BREAN
            Naw, we can't play this one catch-up.  That's how long
            since you stopped beating the wife.  We have to...

                          AMES
            We're going to have to explain away the...

                          BREAN
            They caught him in the closet with a Girlscout.  Side-
            effects of a pill ain't gone trump that.  You have to
            keep'em guessing for
                    (HE GLANCES AT THE CALENDAR)
            Two weeks.  You  don't have to Cure Cancer, Pal, you
            just have to give them something more interesting
            than...

                          CAIN
            What's more interesting than boffing the girlscout?

                          BREAN
            Well, that's what we're doing here...

BREAN IS SUNK IN THOUGHT.  AN AIDE STARTS TO SPEAK.  AMES SILENCES HIM, BREAN
BECKONS AMES OVER.

                          BREAN
                    (SOTTO)
            Gemme twenty thousand dollars....

AMES NODS, AND WAVES AN AIDE OVER AND WHISPERS TO HER.

                          BREAN
                    (CONT.)
            And gemme a car.

                          AMES
            Car and a driver, Mr. Brean, the Westgate, Now,
            please...

                          BREAN
            Okay, look, who's takin' the press conference today?

                          CAIN
            Is there a press conference today?

                          BREAN
            What do you think?  What I need from you:  I need a
            base of operations.  Some place in the District.  I
            need some clean money ...

                          LEVY
            How much...?

AMES GESTURES HIM TO BE QUIET.

                          BREAN
            And, to hold it together, I need two days.  There is no
            B-2 Bomber:  here's what you do ahout that:  whoever is
            leaking stuff to that geek at the Post, lets it slip,
            "Geez, I hope this doesn't screw up the B-2 Program..."
            "What B-2 Program, and why should it screw it up?"  "If
            the president moves to deploy the B-2 before it is
            fully tested."  "Deploy the B-2, Why?"  "In the
            Crisis."

                          AMES
            What crisis?

                          BREAN
            I'm working on it.  Same time, you call Billy Scott at
            Joint Chiefs, and pour him onna plane right now to
            Seattle, y'got that...?  All flustered and worried. To
            talk to the Boeing people.

                          AMES
                    (TO LEVY)
            Do it...

LEVY MOVES TO A TELEPHONE.

                          BREAN
                    (TO CAIN)
            And you?

                          CAIN
            But there isn't a B-2 bomber.

                          BREAN
            Where'd you go to school, Kid.  Wellesly?

                          CAIN
            Dartmouth

                          BREAN
            Then show a little spunk.  There Is no B-2 Bomber,
            General Scott, the best of your knowledge, is not in
            Seattle to talk with Boeing...

                          AMES
            It won't hold.

                          BREAN
            One day, Two days?  Course it's gonna hhhh....

CAMERA TAKES THEM DOWN THE HALL, WHERE WE SEE THE CLEANING PEOPLE, WITH FLOOR
POLISHERS, LOOKING UP AT THE PICTURE OF THE PRESIDENT AND THE GIRLSCOUTS, AND
SNICKERING.

ANGLE
ON BREAN AND AMES LOOKING ON.
THE CLEANING PEOPLE NOTICE THEY ARE BEING WATCHED AND DISPERSE.