Young Frankenstein

INT. AUDITORIUM – NIGHT

The audience is filled with ELDERLY SCIENTISTS, their WIVES, and THE CURIOUS from the upper crust in society.

All are elegantly dressed in cheap movie studio wardrobe.

INGA

In a formal, and Igor – in "something" – wait excitedly.

FREDDY

Stands on a stage, dressed in tails.

FREDDY

And now, my fellow scientists and neurosurgeon... I must ask you to... suspend belief. For up until now, you have seen the Creature perform the simple mechanics of motor activity. That this Creature was an inanimate blob, which I endowed with the secret of life – yes!... in all honesty – that showed some measure of skill on my part. But for what you are about to see next... we must enter – quietly – into the realm of genius. I say this modestly, only because I am, myself, as in awe of the gifts I possess as if I were observing them in some other person. I think of them, only, as a loan. Grateful, of course... that my credit is good. Thus, with the accumulated knowledge of Chemistry, Electricity, Neuro-surgery... and art... I now present what was once an inarticulate mass of lifeless tissues. Ladies and gentlemen... Mesdames et Messieurs... Damen und Herren... The Creature!

Freddy sits down at a beautiful grand piano. He plays a short trill up the keyboard.

ANOTHER ANGLE

As a SPOTLIGHT hits the darkness next to him.

And there – IN TOP HAT AND TAILS – stands the Monster. He is heavily made up.

FREDDY

(playing the piano and singing)

If you're blue and you

don't know where to

go to, why don't you...

The Monster accompanies the music with short, simple "Soft Shoe" steps.

FREDDY

... go where fashion sits...

MONSTER

Poo – tmmm anngh ma Ritz!

FREDDY

Diff'rent types who wear

a day coat, pants

with stripes and cutaway

coat, perfect

fits...

MONSTER

Poo – tmmm anngh ma Ritz!

FREDDY

Dressed up like a

million dollar

trouper

Trying hard to

look like Gary

Cooper.

MONSTER

Soo – pah doo – per.

The Audience's faces are absolutely blank. Inga and Igor are thrilled.

FREDDY

Come let's mix where Rock-

e – fellers walk

with sticks or 'um-ber-

el-las' in their

mitts...

MONSTER

Poo – tmmm anngh ma Ritz!

The Monster gets a tomato right in the face. He stops cold.

FREDDY

Dressed up like a

million dollar

trouper

Trying hard to

look like Gary

Coo – per.

An EMBARRASSING PAUSE.

FREDDY

(to the Monster)

That's your cue. Go on!

MONSTER

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmm.

FREDDY

(trying to cover)

... Su-per du-per.

Come let's mix where Rock-

e-fellers walk

with sticks or 'um-ber-

el-las' in their

mitts...

The Monster knows it's his cue: he just looks at Freddy.

MONSTER

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmm!

FREDDY

For God's sake – go on! Are you trying to make me look like a fool. Sing, you amateur! Sing!!

The Monster gets a raw egg in his face.

AUDIENCE

Booooo!

Get him off!

Fake!

What else can your toy do?

FREDDY

Fake?? You stupid idiots... you call my creation a fake??? What do you know about truth? You're the fakes! All of you! I wouldn't come to you with a hang-nail.

The monster gets another tomato in his face.

MONSTER

MMMMMMMMMM! MMMMMMMMMMMM!

FREDDY

(running to him)

Wait! Stop! Don't give them the satisfaction. I know it's tough, but look at how far we've come! Are you going to throw it all away now??

The Monster thinks, as the tomato drips down his face. He is touched by Freddy's reasoning, but still burning with resentment.

MONSTER

MMMmmmmmm.

FREDDY

Don't you think I know that? But what are you judging by? Bucharest??? This was always a hick town. They can't get a 'Bus and Truck' company to come in here. Are you going to let these idiots get the best of you? Or are you going to stand up like a man and show them that you've got more dignity in your little finger than they've got in all their beer-bloated bodies put together?

The Monster considers this plea for a moment. Then gives Freddy a colossal WHACK and jumps into the Audience.

THE AUDIENCE

Screams and scatters for the exits.

PANDEMONIUM.

FREDDY

(as he picks himself up off the stage floor)

I chose the wrong song.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

PEOPLE run in all directions.

The monster comes bursting down the street, with his arms flailing.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CASTLE DINING ROOM – NIGHT

Freddy sits dejectedly – still dressed in his theatre clothes.

Igor and Inga sit near him. Frau Blucher stands nearby.

FREDDY
I'm a failure.

IGOR

Come on, Froderick – none of that.

INGA

Look how far we've come.

IGOR

You can't expect to iron out all the kinks in one night.

INGA

I think the doctor is a genius! Don't you, Igor?

IGOR

Why certainly. Don't you, Frau Blucher?

FRAU BLUCHER

He's a failure.

Freddy gives her a cold stare.

FREDDY

What are you waiting around for, pickle puss?

FRAU BLUCHER

(handling him a cable)

This wire came while you were gone. Your fiancée will be arriving any moment.

FREDDY

Elizabeth!? !

(he reads the cable)

'Can't waits any longer. Arrive in your arms at ten tonight.' Oh, God! Not tonight.

INGA

Why, doctor... how wonderful for you.

FREDDY

Wonderful? It's terrible! Terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible, terrible!

Freddy storms out of the room.

IGOR

She sounds fascinating.

CUT TO:

EXT. COBBLESTONED ALLEY – NIGHT

A SIX-YEAR-OLD GIRL walks innocently along the narrow, menacing alley, lit only by moonlight.

Behind her, there slowly appears a growing, TWENTY-FOUR SHADOW.

When the shadow is almost upon her, the Girl turns around and faces her pursuer.

It is her BABY BROTHER, holing a long balloon in each hand.

SIX-YEAR-OLD-GIRL

(grabbing him)

Mitkommen, mitkommen. Du bist immer eine schlafmützigem Blindschleiche.

She gives him a slap on the behind and pulls him along.

CUT TO:

A GRANDFATHER CLOCK

It is ten o'clock. GONG.

INT. RECEPTION HALL

The front door opens and Elizabeth comes in. Frau Blucher and a COACHMAN can be SEEN in the background.

Freddy stands in dressing gown and ascot. Inga and Igor wait politely in the rear.

ELIZABETH

Darling!

FREDDY

Darling!

They embrace.

ELIZABETH

Surprised?

FREDDY

Surprised!

ELIZABETH

Love me?

FREDDY

Love you! Well, why don't we turn in?

ELIZABETH

Darling!? !

FREDDY

I mean, it's been a long day. I'm sure you must be as tired as I am. Oh! These are my assistants: Inga and Ayegor.

Freddy turns to get some luggage from the Coachman.

ELIZABETH

(stepping up to Inga)

How do you do?

INGA

Very well. So nice to meet you at last.

Elizabeth steps up to Igor.

IGOR

Darling!

ELIZABETH

Hello...?

IGOR

Surprised?

ELIZABETH

Well... yes.

IGOR

Miss me?

ELIZABETH

I...

Freddy approaches them with Elizabeth's two suitcases: One very large, and one very small.

FREDDY

Ready, darling?

ELIZABETH

Yes. I am a bit tired, after all.

FREDDY

(to Igor)

Give me a hand with these, will you, Ayegor?

IGOR

Certainly, master.

Igor takes the small suitcase, and, with Inga, leads Elizabeth and Freddy up the stairs. Freddy struggles with the large suitcase. Frau Blucher follows behind.

ON THE STAIRWAY

ELIZABETH

What a strange fellow.

FREDDY

Yes, he's a little bit... tilted. Harmless, though.

ELIZABETH

Why does he call you 'master'?

Freddy stares at her.

FREDDY

Are you suggesting I call him master???

ELIZABETH

No, of course not. I just meant...

FREDDY

All right then!

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. ELEGANT RESTAURANT – NIGHT

The Monster walks in cautiously. No one seems to take any particular notice of him.