Young Frankenstein

MEDICAL STUDENT

(rising)

I have one question, Dr. Frankenstein.

CUT TO:

ANOTHER ANGLE

Our first LOOK at the famous Lecturer.

FREDDY

That's 'Fronkonsteen'.

MEDICAL STUDENT

I beg your pardon?

FREDDY

My name is pronounced Fron-kon-steen.

MEDICAL STUDENT

Oh! I thought it was Dr. Frankenstein.

FREDDY

No, it's Dr. Fronkonsteen!

MEDICAL STUDENT

But aren't you the grandson of the famous Dr. Victor Frankenstein? Who performed such fascinating experiments in electricity and galvanism?

FREDDY

That's true! But my grandfather, Victor was, after all, what we might politely refer to as... a cuckoo!

Polite laughter.

FREDDY

I prefer, by far, to be remembered for my own small contributions to science. Now if we can proceed to your questions.

MEDICAL STUDENT

Well sir... I'm not sure I understand the distinction between 'Reflexive' and 'Voluntary' nerve impulses.

FREDDY

Very good! Since our lab work today is a demonstration of just that distinction... why don't we proceed?

Behind Freddy is a PATIENT, lying on an operating table. CARLSON, an assistant, stands near the Patient, next to a small table of instruments.

FREDDY

What are we actually talking about when we use the term, 'Brain'? We are talking about... a cauliflower!

Freddy turns to Carlson.

FREDDY

May I have the cauliflower, please!

Carlson hands Freddy a giant cauliflower.

FREDDY

If we make a small slit, down the center of this cauliflower...

Freddy turns to Carlson, who hands him the scalpel. Freddy makes a small slit down the center of the cauliflower.

FREDDY

... and then, ever so gently, gently, gently... pull it apart...

Freddy has some difficulty pulling the cauliflower apart. It begins to crumble, but he goes on, professionally.

FREDDY

... we should find, with any luck at all... a stalk of... celery!

There is no celery inside the cauliflower. Freddy flushes red.

FREDDY

(to Carlson)

Where did you get this cauliflower?

CARLSON

From your office, sir.

FREDDY

Didn't you prepare it with the celery before my lecture?

CARLSON

Yes, sir. But I must have taken the wrong one when we came up.

FREDDY

(in quiet rage)

Are you trying to make me look like an idiot?

CARLSON

No, sir. It will never happen again.

FREDDY

(handing him the cauliflower)

Here! This cauliflower is useless to me.

Freddy turns back to his audience.

FREDDY

With any normal cauliflower, we would have found a stalk of celery, or... 'Brain Stem' which brings us to the practical application of our study.

Freddy moves behind the Patient on the table.

FREDDY

Mr. Hilltop here – with whom I have never worked of given any prior instructions to – has graciously offered his services for this afternoon's demonstration. Mr. Hilltop!

HILLTOP

Yes, sir?

FREDDY

Have we ever seen each other before this afternoon?

HILLTOP

No, sir.

FREDDY

Tell them!

HILLTOP

(turning to the Medical Students)

No, sir – we haven't.

FREDDY

(to his audience)

Do I lie?

(to Mr. Hilltop)

Would you be so kind enough to hop up on your feet and stand beside this table.

Mr. Hill top gets off of the table and stands erect.

FREDDY

Mr. Hilltop! Would you raise your left knee, please!

Mr. Hilltop raises his left knee.

FREDDY

You have just witnessed a 'Voluntary' nerve impulse. It begins as a stimulus from the cerebral cortex, passes through the brain stem and then to the particular muscle involved. Mr. Hilltop, you may lower your knee.

He lowers his knee.

FREDDY

Reflex movements are those which are made independently of the will, but are carried out along pathways which pass between the periphery and the central nervous system. You filthy, rotten, yellow son-of-a-BITCH!

Freddy pokes his knee close to Mr. Hilltop's balls. Mr. Hilltop reacts accordingly.

FREDDY

We are not aware of the impulses, neither do we intend them to contract our muscles. Yet – as you can see – they work by themselves.

By this time, Mr. Hilltop has lowered his protective thigh... a little nervously.

FREDDY

Now then! Modern research has shown us that by simply applying local pressure of ' blocking' the nerve impulse... which can be done with any ordinary metal clamp...

Freddy reaches out his hand. Carlson hands him a bicycle clamp. Freddy holds Mr. Hilltop's head and places the clamp behind Mr. Hilltop's ears.

FREDDY

... Just at the swelling on the posterior nerve root – for, oh say five or six seconds...

A short pause. Freddy looks at his watch.

FREDDY

Why you mother-grabbing BASTARD!

Freddy once again jerks his knee close to Mr. Hilltop's balls. This time Mr. Hilltop doesn't move. He is almost ready to pass out.

FREDDY

All communication is shut off. Similarly, damage to a nerve will mean that not all the impulses can get through and there will be weakness of a muscle...

Mr. Hilltop collapses to the floor. Freddy never looks down.

FREDDY

... or group of muscles, with some loss of skin sensation on the area supplied by that nerve. In spite of our mechanical magnificence, if there is not this continuous stream of impulses... we would collapse like... a bunch of broccoli.

A smattering of POLITE APPLAUSE. Freddy reaches down and removes the metal clamp from Mr. Hilltop's head.

FREDDY

(to Carlson)

Give him an extra dollar.

CARLSON

Yes, sir.

Carlson picks up Mr. Hilltop and places him on the operating table.

FREDDY

In conclusion... it should be noted that more than common injury to the nerve roots is always serious, because... once a nerve fibber is severed... there is no way to regenerate life back into it. Are there any more questions before we leave?

MEDICAL STUDENT

Dr. Fronkonsteen!

FREDDY

Yes?

MEDICAL STUDENT

Isn't it true that Darwin preserved a piece of vermicelli in a glass case until, by some extraordinary means, it actually began to move with voluntary motion?

FREDDY

A piece of what?

MEDICAL STUDENT

Vermicelli.

FREDDY

Are you speaking of the worm, or... the spaghetti.

FREDDY

Why the worm, Sir.

FREDDY

Ah! In science you must be very precise – it can spell the difference between life and death.

(to Carlson)

I don't want that fellow in class next semester.

CARLSON

Yes, sir.

FREDDY

He has a big mouth.

(to Medical Student)

Yes! It seems to me I did read something about that incident as a student. But you have to remember that a worm – with very few exceptions – is not a human being.

MEDICAL STUDENT

But wasn't that the whole basis of your grandfathers work, sir...? The re-animation of component parts?

FREDDY

My father was a sick man.

MEDICAL STUDENT

But aren't you the least bit curious about it, Doctor? Doesn't the secret of life hold any intrigue for you?

FREDDY

You are talking about the gibberish ravings of a lunatic mind.

MEDICAL STUDENT

Yes, but, sir... if it could be accomplished, wouldn't that eliminate disease from the human frame and render man invulnerable to any but a violent death?

FREDDY

How old are you, young man?

MEDICAL STUDENT

Nineteen, sir.

FREDDY

Nineteen! My dear young man... once the human organism has ceased to function, nature has deemed that creature to be dead.

MEDICAL STUDENT

But look at what's been done with hearts and kidneys!

FREDDY

Hearts and kidneys are Tinker Toys! I'm talking about the Central Nervous System.

MEDICAL STUDENT

But, sir...

FREDDY

I am a scientist...! Not a philosopher.

He holds up his scalpel.

FREDDY

You have more chance of re-animating this knife than you have of mending a broken nervous system,

MEDICAL STUDENT

But your grandfather's work, sir...

FREDDY

My grandfather's work was Doo-Doo! Dead is Dead! There's only one thing I am interested in... and that is the preservation of LIFE!

POLITE APPLAUSE. However, on the word "Life," Freddy has plunged the scalpel into his thigh by mistake. No one but Freddy and the Movie Audience is aware of this.

FREDDY

Class... is... dismissed!

The students begin to leave.

FREDDY

Carlson!

CARLSON

Yes, sir?

FREDDY

Bring me some surgical gauze, a little tape and some disinfectant.

CARLSON

Yes, sir. Do you want the other cauliflower?

FREDDY

... No!

Herr Falkstein approaches with the metal box.

HERR FALKSTEIN

Dr. Frankenstein?

FREDDY

(through his teeth)

Fron kon steen!

HERR FALKSTEIN

My name is Gerhart Falkstein.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. A CITY STREET – DAY

Herr Falkstein and Freddy are walking along the sidewalk. In the distance, a little OLD VIOLINIST, wearing a Tyrolean hat, plays a cheerful tune on his violin. His open violin case rests on the ground beside him.

FREDDY

One hundred thousand dollars???

HERR FALKSTEIN

Oh, at least, sir. The land alone is worth a small fortune.

FREDDY

But I can't just drop everything and leave. I have responsibilities and obligations.

HERR FALKSTEIN

Do you have a hundred thousand of them, sir?

Freddy looks at Herr Falkstein. The little Old Violinist has finished his cheerful tune. He now plays the eerie Transylvanian Lullaby that was heard at the opening.

FREDDY

How long will this whole thing take?

HERR FALKSTEIN

A week. Ten days at most.

FREDDY

I'll have to think it over. It's not so easy just to pick up and...

Freddy stops – the music seeping into a dark and forgotten corner of his brain.

FREDDY

Curious melody! Haunting, isn't it?

Freddy, followed by Herr Falkstein, walks back a few steps and stands next to the Old Violinist as he plays.

FREDDY

What's that tune that you're playing

OLD VIOLINIST

Zis is an old Transylvanian Lullaby.

FREDDY

How sweet! Such a quaint little tune.

Freddy rubs his temples with his fingertips for a moment.

FREDDY

May I see your violin?

OLD VIOLINIST

(handing Freddy the violin)

It's an honor for me, sir. You play the violin?

FREDDY

Oh, just a little.

Freddy examines the violin.

FREDDY

Nice! Nice little balance to it.

OLD VIOLINIST

Ja, ja.

Freddy, without any emotion, smashes the violin over his knee and then hands the two halves back to the Old Violinist.

FREDDY

Thank you very much.

The Old Violinist takes the two halves, open-mouthed.

FREDDY

(to Herr Falkstein)

Well... if you're sure that I could accomplish everything in a week... I suppose I could manage it.

HERR FALKSTEIN

Why did you do that?

FREDDY

What?

HERR FALKSTEIN

Break that old man's violin.

FREDDY

I didn't do that.

HERR FALKSTEIN

The old violinist – you smashed his violin over your knee.