Young Frankenstein

He opens to the first page.

FREDDY

(reading aloud)

"Whence, I often asked myself, did the principles of life proceed? To examine the causes of life... we must first have recourse to death." God, what a looney bin!

ANOTHER LOW RUMBLE OF THUNDER. Freddy's candle almost blows out from a draft.

INGA

Oh, doctor!

FREDDY

Perhaps we'd better leave.

IGOR

Taking the book along?

FREDDY

Yes, I think we could all use a good laugh.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LAB

Freddy is convulsed with laughter.

FREDDY

This guy is too much.

Inga and Igor stare passively. The three of them are drinking tea. More water is boiling in a test tube.

FREDDY

(reading)

"... and as soon as the dazzling light vanished, the oak tree had disappeared. I knew then that electricity and galvanism had changed my life."

He howls.

FREDDY

This guy is bonkers! Did you ever hear anything like this??

ANOTHER LOW RUMBLE OF THUNDER.

As Freddy goes on reading, the CAMERA TRAVELS UP, UP, UP... THROUGH the giant laboratory... as if to seek the source of the THUNDER we HEAR, as the CAMERA MOVES UP:

FREDDY'S VOICE (O.S.)

"When I look back now, it seems to me as if this almost miraculous event obliterated any last effort by the spirit of preservation to avert the storm that was even then hanging in the stars."

MORE THUNDER.

FREDDY'S VOICE (O.S.)

He kills me! This guy kills me.

The CAMERA FINDS a large opening in the ceiling – an opening through which bodies might be elevated during an electrical storm. THUNDER CLOUDS CAN BE SEEN as the CAMERA PASSES THROUGH the opening into the night air.

FREDDY'S LAUGHTER is still HEARD from below. There is a GIANT CRACKLE OF LIGHTNING – as if in reply.

Now the CAMERA TRAVELS DOWN. Time has passes and Freddy's voice is hoarse, and more intense, and as the CAMERA TRAVELS DOWN:

FREDDY'S VOICE (O.S.)

"Until, from the midst of this darkness, a sudden light broke in upon me – a light so brilliant and wondrous, and yet so simple!"

The CAMERA has reached Freddy. His eyes are burning; he reads almost feverishly. Inga and Igor are half asleep.

FREDDY

(reading)

"Change the poles from plus to minus and from minus to plus!"

Freddy howls insanely.

FREDDY

(reading)

"I alone succeeded in discovering the cause of generation of life."

He doubles over in laughter.

FREDDY

"Nay, even more – I, myself became capable of bestowing animation upon lifeless matter."

He laughs, he laughs, he laughs... then SMASHES his tea glass against a wall.

FREDDY

It could work!!

A TUMULTUOUS CLAP OF THUNDER.

CUT TO:

IGOR'S FACE

Illuminated by a CRACK OF LIGHTNING. He has a quizzical smile.

CUT TO:

INGA'S FACE

Illuminated by a CRACK OF LIGHTNING. Frightened, yet in awe.

CUT TO:

FRAU BLUCHER'S FACE – IN A ROOM

Illuminated by a CRACK OF LIGHTNING. She is SMOKING A CIGAR.

CUT TO:

BEAUFORT FRANKENSTEIN'S COFFIN

Illuminated be a CRACK OF LIGHTNING. THE LID SLAMS OPEN AND SHUT, OPEN AND SHUT.

CUT TO:

FREDDY'S FACE

Illuminated by a CRACK OF LIGHTNING. The dark circles under his eyes suggest that he is IRREVERSIBLY INSANE.

LEGEND ON THE SCREEN

It reads:

"IRREVERSIBLY COMMITTED TO THE DARK DESTINY OF ALL THOSE WHO BEAR THE NAME OF 'FRANKENST' NAME OF 'FRANKENSTEIN' 'FRONKONSTEEN'."

FADE OUT

FADE IN:

INT. LABORATORY – MORNING

A work space has been hastily prepared. Freddy, dressed quite properly in riding boots and tweed jacket, is reading from "the great book".

Inga, dressed in her Lab gown, is taking notes. Igor is drawing on a large pad.

FREDDY

"As the minuteness of the parts formed a great hindrance to my speed, I resolved to make the Creature of a gigantic stature." Of course! That would simplify everything.

INGA

(pointing to another paragraph)

And look at this, Doctor!

FREDDY

(reading)

"Dilation of his sacral parasympathetic impulses would cause an increase in flow of blood and the erection to approximately nineteen inches of his apparatus genitals."

IGOR

His what? ?

INGA

His schwanzstucker.

IGOR

Whew! A nineteen-inch drill.

FREDDY

Now then! What we're aiming for, is a being about eight feet in height, and all features proportionably large.

Igor shows his drawing.

IGOR

Something like this?

They all look at the drawing.

They, and we, SEE a crude but impressive sketch of THE MONSTER, and as we look at the drawing:

FREDDY'S VOICE (O.S.)

You've caught something there. Yes! As a matter of fact – I think – that this – might – be – our – man!

As our eyes travel from the top of the drawing to the feet:

MATCH DISSOLVE TO:

A PAIR OF VERY LARGE, REAL FEET

Now the CAMERA MOVES from the feet, BACK UP.

EXT. GIBBET – DAY

A gigantic BODY is standing on a scaffold. when we reach the head, it is somehow incongruous: A sweet, boyish face – with a rope around its neck.

The "Body" is about to be hanged. next to it stands an EXECUTIONER.

EXECUTIONER

Have anything to say?

THE BODY

(in quiet anger)

MMmmmgrrrrrrrrr!

EXECUTIONER

Anything else?

The "Body" thinks. Then:

THE BODY

Go shove it up your –

The Executioner throws the lever and THE TRAP DOOR FALLS OPEN.

The "Body" hangs, lifeless.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. GRAVEYARD – NIGHT

LEAVES BLOW ACROSS A COLD CEMETERY.

A coffin is carried by FOUR PALLBEARERS to a deep grave. RELATIVES are waiting by the grave site.

Through an iron gate surrounding the cemetery, TWO DARK FIGURES peek through the rails and observe the funeral. (One of them has a hunched back)

SOFT MOANING is HEARD from one of the Relatives. A MINISTER mumbles Latin under his breath.

The Pallbearers set the coffin down on ropes placed over the gravesite. A short distance away are a FATHER and a MOTHER, standing next to a weeping DAUGHTER.

FATHER

He was a good man.

MOTHER

He was an angel.

FATHER

He was a saint!

A pause.

MOTHER

She had to marry this rotten pig instead.

FATHER

Hanging was too good – they should have soaked him in lye.

The minister nods and TWO GRAVE DIGGERS lower the coffin. The Daughter throws a bouquet of flowers onto the descending coffin. The Minister throws a handful on dirt on top of the coffin – representing "Ashes to Ashes."

CUT TO:

INSIDE COFFIN

We SEE the FROZEN FACE of "The Body," and HEAR the sprinkled dirt as it HITS the coffin lid.

A little dirt seeps in through the lid and lands on the lips of the frozen face.

Ever so subtly, the lips make a spitting motion to clear the dirt away.

CUT TO:

EXT. GRAVEYARD

The Grave Diggers are shoveling dirt into the grave. The Relatives and Minister are leaving.

FIRST GRAVE DIGGER

What a filthy job!

SECOND GRAVE DIGGER

Could be worse!

DISSOLVE TO:

FREDDY AND IGOR

Knee-deep in the grave, shoveling the dirt out.

FREDDY

What a filthy job!

IGOR

Could be worse!

FREDDY

How?

IGOR

Could be raining!

A CRACK OF THUNDER.

Freddy stares at Igor.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. A STREET

Freddy and Igor carry the coffin down a street in the POURING RAIN.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. LABORATORY

Freddy and Igor are just setting the heavy coffin down on an operating table. They take the lid off the hinges and set it aside.

FREDDY

Wait! Let's tip the coffin over, then just lift it off. It'll be much easier.

They tip the coffin over, upside down, like a cake pan.

FREDDY

Now...