YOU'VE GOT MAIL

        GEORGE
  And he will wear a flower in his lapel,
  and you will be carrying a copy of Anna
  Karenina with a rose in it.

 No answer.

        CHRISTINA
  Oh God, no.

        KATHLEEN
  Not Anna Karenina.  Pride and Prejudice.

 EXT. FOXBOOKS - NIGHT

 As Joe and Kevin walk out of the store and start downtown.

        KEVIN
  I suppose she's carrying a copy of a book
  with a flower in it.

 Joe doesn't say anything.

        KEVIN
  Not really.

        JOE
  Really.

        KEVIN
  Which Jane Austen is it?

        JOE
  Pride and Prejudice.

        KEVIN
  She could be a real dog.

        JOE
  I know.  Look, I'll just stay ten
  minutes.  I'll say hello.  Drink a cup of
  coffee and split.  I'm outta here.

 He looks at Kevin.

        JOE (cont'd)
  Walk me there, okay?

 EXT. 83RD STREET - NIGHT

 As the two men walk toward Cafe Lalo, the European cafe on
 West 83rd Street.

        JOE
  What if she has a really high, squeaky
  voice?  I hate that.  It reminds me of
  those mice in Cinderella.

        KEVIN
  What mice in Cinderella?

        JOE
  Gus-gus and oh shit, I can't remember the
  other one.  Why am I compelled to meet
  her?  I'm just ruining a good thing.

        KEVIN
  You're taking it to the next level.  I
  always do that.  I always take a
  relationship to the next level, and if it
  works okay I take it to the next level
  after that, until I can finally get to
  the level where it becomes absolutely
  necessary for me to leave.

        JOE
  I'm not going to stay long anyway.  I
  already said that, didn't I.  Christ.
  I'm a total wreck.

 As they reach:

 EXT. CAFE LALO - CONTINUOUS

 Joe stops and looks at Kevin.

        JOE
  Kevin, this woman is the most adorable
  creature I have ever come in contact
  with.  If she turns out to be even as
  good-looking as a mailbox, I will be
  crazy not to turn my life upside down
  and marry her.

        KEVIN
  She could be a real dog.

        JOE
   (a total panic)
  You go look.

        KEVIN
  Me?

        JOE
  Just go to the window and check her out.

        KEVIN
  You're pathetic.

 Kevin goes to the window and looks inside.

 EXT. CAFE LALO - NIGHT

 Joe and Kevin in front.

 Kevin looks in the window.

        JOE
  See her?

        KEVIN
  There's a beautiful, whoa, a very
  beautiful girl.

        JOE
  Yes.

        KEVIN
  But no book.  Let me see, let me see...
  Wait a minute.  There's a book with a
  flower, so it must be her.

        JOE
  What does he look like?

        KEVIN
  There's a waiter blocking, I can't see
  her face.  He's serving her a cup of tea
  and she's putting in three spoonfuls of
  sugar --

        JOE
  Well, why shouldn't she?

        KEVIN
  No reason.  Unless she has hypoglycemia.
  Oh, he's moving.

        JOE
  Can you see her?

        KEVIN
  Yes.

        JOE
  And? --

        KEVIN
   (clearly frustrated)
  She's very pretty.

        JOE
  She is.  I knew she would be.  She had
  to be.

        KEVIN
  She looks... I would say she has a little
  of the coloring of that Kathleen Kelly
  person.

        JOE
  Kathleen Kelly of the bookstore.

        KEVIN
  Why not?  You said you thought she was
  attractive.

        JOE
  So what?  Who cares about Kathleen Kelly?

        KEVIN
  Well, if you don't like Kathleen Kelly,
  I can tell you right now you ain't gonna
  like this girl.

        JOE
  Why not?

        KEVIN
  Because it is Kathleen Kelly.

 Joe elbows Kevin aside and looks.

        JOE
  Oh, God.

 A long beat.

        KEVIN
  What are you going to do?

        JOE
  Nothing.

        KEVIN
  You're going to let her just wait there?

        JOE
  Yes.  Yes I am.  That's exactly what I'm
  going to do.  Why not?

        KEVIN
  But she wrote the letters.

        JOE
  Good night, Kevin.  I'll see you
  tomorrow.

 He walks away, leaving Kevin.

 Kevin stares after him.  Then he walks away in the other
 direction.

 INT. CAFE LALO - CONTINUOUS

 Kathleen, sitting alone, at a table for two, is drinking her
 tea.  She's starting to feel a little foolish.  She checks
 her watch.

 A loud, boisterous group comes in and sits at the table next
 to hers.  They're laughing.  A man from the group grabs the
 empty chair at Kathleen's table.

        MAN
  Do you mind?

 Kathleen jumps up.

        KATHLEEN
  Oh, yes.  I'm expecting someone.
  Please.

 She takes the chair back.  Sits down again.  She watches the
 group as they playfully fight over the menus.

 She checks her watch again.  Then she opens her copy of Pride
 and Prejudice and looks at it.  She can't focus.

 A man comes into the restaurant and she looks up hopefully at
 him.  But he's going to meet another group of people.

 As he passes her table, he knocks the book and the flower
 onto the floor.

        KATHLEEN
  Oh!

 She jumps up and rescues the book and flower as if they were
 precious china.

 In the window, now, behind her, Joe appears.  He watches, as
 she rearranges the book and the flower.

 He disappears from sight.

 A beat...

 He walks in the door.

        JOE
  Kathleen Kelly.  Hello.  What a
  coincidence.  Mind if I sit down?

        KATHLEEN
  Yes I do.  I'm expecting someone.

 Joe picks up her book, looks at it.

        JOE
  Pride and Prejudice.

 Kathleen grabs it back.

        KATHLEEN
  Do you mind?

 She places it back on the table, puts the rose into it.

        JOE
  I didn't know you were a Jane Austen
  fan.  Not that it's a surprise.  I bet
  you read it every year.  I bet you just
  love Mr. Darcy, and that your sentimental
  heart beats wildly at the thought that he
  and whatever her name is are really,
  honestly and truly going to end up
  together.

        KATHLEEN
  Would you please leave?

 Joe sits down.

        KATHLEEN
  Please?

        JOE
  I'll get up as soon as your friend comes.
  Is he late?

        KATHLEEN
  The heroine of Pride and Prejudice is
  Elizabeth Bennet and she's one of the
  greatest, most complex characters ever
  written, not that you would know.

        JOE
  As a matter of fact I've read it.

        KATHLEEN
  Well, good for you.

        JOE
  I think you'd discover a lot of things if
  you really knew me.

        KATHLEEN
  If I really knew you, I know what I would
  find -- instead of a brain, a cash
  register, instead of a heart, a bottom
  line.

 Kathleen is shocked at herself.

        JOE
  What is it?

        KATHLEEN
  I just had a breakthrough, and I have to
  thank you for it.  For the first time in
  my life, when confronted with a horrible,
  insensitive person I actually knew what I
  wanted to say and I said it.

        JOE
  I think you have a gift for it.  It was a
  splendid mixture of poetry and meanness.

        KATHLEEN
  Meanness?  Let me tell you --

        JOE
  Don't misunderstand me, I'm just paying
  you a compliment.

 He lifts the book off the table.  Kathleen grabs for it.

        KATHLEEN
  Why are you doing this?

 She manages to get the book, leaving Joe with the rose.

        JOE
  What have we have?  A red, no, crimson
  rose, tucked into the pages.  Something
  you read about in a book, no doubt.  One
  of those books with a lady in a nightgown
  on the cover about to throw herself off a
  cliff.

 She holds her hand out for it.

        KATHLEEN (cont'd)
  Give it to me.

 Joe puts it between his mouth and his nose like a mustache.

        JOE
  It's a joke to you, isn't it?
  Everything's a joke to you.

 She grabs the rose.  Puts it back in the book.

        KATHLEEN (cont'd)
  Please leave.  I beg you.

 He stands up, walks from the table, sits down at the very
 next table, with his back to her.

 The door to the restaurant opens.  Kathleen looks at it
 hopefully.  A pleasant looking man, who's immediately joined
 by a pleasant looking woman.

 For a moment, Kathleen looks just a little droopy, as if the
 wind has just gone out of her sails.  She takes out her
 compact, looks into her mirror.  She slides it over to look
 behind her, at him, just as he's looking sideways at her.  He
 turns away suddenly.

 Then she blots her lipstick with her handkerchief.

        JOE
  You know what the handkerchief reminds
  me of?  The first day I met you --

        KATHLEEN
  The first day you lied to me --

        JOE
  I didn't lie to you --

        KATHLEEN
  You did too --

        JOE
  I did not --

        KATHLEEN
  I thought all that Fox stuff was so
  charming.  F-O-X.

        JOE
  I never lied about it --

        KATHLEEN
  "Joe.  Just call me Joe."  As if you were
  one of those stupid 22-year-old girls
  with no last name.  "Hi, I'm Kimberley."
  "Hi, I'm Janice."  What's wrong with
  them?  Don't they know you're supposed to
  have last names?  It's like they're a
  whole generation of cocktail waitresses.

 She stops herself -- it's a tangent she never meant to go off
 on.  But Joe has stood up and seated himself back at her
 table.

        JOE
  I am not a stupid 22-year-old girl --

        KATHLEEN
  That's not what I meant --

        JOE
  And when I said the thing about the Price
  Club and cans of olive oil, that wasn't
  what I meant either --

        KATHLEEN
  Oh, you poor sad multimillionaire.  I
  feel so sorry for you.

 The door opens and a large and very attractive TRANSVESTITE
 in a boa comes in the door.

        JOE
  I am going to take a wild guess that this
  isn't him, either.  Who is he, I wonder.
  Not, I gather, the world's greatest
  living expert on Julius and Ethel
  Rosenberg, but someone else entirely.
  Will you be you be mean to him too?  Will
  you start out sweet as sugar candy and
  then suddenly, miraculously, like a bolt
  from the blue, find that sharp little
  tongue of yours?

        KATHLEEN
  No, I won't.  Because the man who's
  coming here tonight is completely unlike
  you.  The man who is coming here is kind
  and funny -- he has the most wonderful
  sense of humor --

        JOE
  But he's not here.

        KATHLEEN
  If he's not here, he has a reason,
  because there is not a cruel or careless
  bone in his body.  I can't expect you to
  know anything about a person like that.
  You've nothing but a suit.