YOU'VE GOT MAIL

 Metal grates are pulled up to open flower shops, nail salons,
 the pharmacy, fish store, the Cuban Chinese Restaurant,
 Zabar's.

 Joe stops at the same newsstand.  He buys all the papers --
 the Times, Wall Street Journal, Post and Daily News.

 INT. STARBUCKS - DAY

 As Kathleen picks up her coffee, walks out.

 EXT. COLUMBUS AVENUE - DAY

 As Kathleen walks down Columbus, we see Joe a block behind
 her.  She stops to buy flowers and Joe passes her, crosses to
 the Ease side of Columbus Avenue.

 EXT. COLUMBUS AVENUE - DAY

 A building under construction, with plywood board covering
 the front and wrapping around the corner.  Joe goes to a side
 entrance and enters.

 EXT. COLUMBUS & 73RD STREET - DAY - CONTINUOUS

 As Kathleen comes around the corner onto 73rd and stops in
 front of her store, a children's bookstore called "The Shop
 Around the Corner."  It is an irresistibly inviting store.
 There are twinkle lights in the windows, framing large
 stuffed animals reading children's books: Madeleine, Good
 Night Moon, Where the Wild Things Are.  A teddy bear in a
 pinafore is reading The Stupids Step Out.  Waiting for
 Kathleen in front is one of her employees, CHRISTINA.

    KATHLEEN
  Hello, Christina.  It's a beautiful day.
  Isn't it the most beautiful day?

 Christina looks up at the sky as if seeing it for the first
 time.

    CHRISTINA
  I guess.  Yeah, sure.

 Kathleen unlocks the shop and cranks the grate, which
 rises, making a horrible noise.  Two cabs almost collide in
 front of the store, with a screech, and one cabdriver starts
 yelling obscenities at the other.  Kathleen unlocks the door
 to the store.

    KATHLEEN
  Don't you love New York in the fall?

 Christina looks at her puzzled.

 INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - CONTINUOUS

 Kathleen turns the CLOSED sign on the door over to read
 "OPEN" and she activates the computer system.  She looks
 around, and we see a small but charming children's bookstore,
 with wooden shelves, a tiny area where kids can sit and read,
 some charming posters and a glass case full of first editions
 of the Oz books and Alice In Wonderland, etc.  There's a
 playful display of witches, lit with twinkle lights covered
 with orange pumpkin globes and a sign reading "The Ten Best
 Witch List"  and a collection of witch books -- "The Lion, The
 Witch and the Wardrobe," "The Witches," "The Wizard of Oz."
 On the counter is a glass jar full of sugar-free lollipops.

 Kathleen hangs up her coat in the back of the store and
 suddenly stops to daydream.  A smile creeps onto her face.
 Christina looks at her.

    CHRISTINA
  What's going on with you?

    KATHLEEN
  Nothing.

    CHRISTINA
  You're in love.

    KATHLEEN
  In love?  No.  Yes.  Of course I am.
  I'm in love with Frank.  I'm practically
  living with Frank.  Do you think you
  could get our Christmas mailers out this
  week?

    CHRISTINA
  By Monday I promise.  I have a paper due
  Friday.  Now what's going on?
   (she looks at Kathleen)
  I'm just going to stand here till you tell
  me.

 A beat.

    KATHLEEN
  Is it infidelity if you're involved with
  someone on E-mail?

    CHRISTINA
  Have you had sex?

    KATHLEEN
  Of course not.  I don't even know him.

    CHRISTINA
  I mean cybersex.

    KATHLEEN
  No!

    CHRISTINA
  Well, don't do it.  The minute you do,
  they lose all respect for you.

    KATHLEEN
  It's not like that.  We just E-mail.
  It's really nothing, on top of which I'm
  definitely thinking of stopping because
  it's getting --

    CHRISTINA
  Out of hand?

    KATHLEEN
  Confusing.  But not really.  Because it's
  nothing.

    CHRISTINA
  Where did you meet him?

    KATHLEEN
  I can't even remember.
   (off Christina's look)
  The day I turned thirty I wandered into
  the Over Thirty Room for a joke, sort of
  and he was there, and we started
  chatting.

    CHRISTINA
  About what?

    KATHLEEN
  Books.  Music.  How much we both love New
  York.  Harmless.  Harmless.  Meaningless.
   (starts smiling)
  Bouquets of sharpened pencils.

    CHRISTINA
  Excuse me?

    KATHLEEN
  Forget it.  We don't talk about anything
  personal.  We made a rule about that.
  I don't know his name, what he does or
  exactly where he lives, so it will be
  really easy to stop seeing him, because
  I'm not.

    CHRISTINA
  God, he could be the next person to talk
  into the store.  He could be...
   (as George walks in)
  George.

 GEORGE PAPPAS, in his twenties, one of Kathleen's
 salespeople, is a cute guy who has no idea that he's supposed
 to look in the mirror when he gets dressed.

    GEORGE
  Morning.

    CHRISTINA
  Are you On Line?

    GEORGE
  As far as I'm concerned, the Internet is
  just another way to be rejected by a
  woman.

 BIRDIE walks in.  She is in her seventies, has white hair,
 and is tiny, like a little sparrow.  She is the store's
 oldest employee, having worked there for over forty years,
 and serves as a accountant as well as salesperson.

    KATHLEEN
  Good morning, Birdie.

    BIRDIE
  What are you all talking about?

    CHRISTINA
  Cybersex.

    BIRDIE
  I tried to have cybersex once but I kept
  getting a busy signal.

    CHRISTINA
  I know, I know.  One Saturday night I was
  really depressed about not having a date,
  so I thought, no problemo, I'll go on
  line and I won't be lonely, but I
  couldn't get on, there were hundreds of
  thousands of people who didn't have dates
  trying to get on.
   (MORE)
  You have to wonder which is harder,
  getting a date or getting On Line when
  you don't have a date.

    GEORGE
  Getting a date is harder.

 We hear the bell jingle as TWO WEST SIDE MOTHERS come in with
 two KIDS IN STROLLERS.

    KATHLEEN
   (to the kids)
  Jessica and Maia, how are you today?

 We hear the sound of the garbage truck.  Kathleen goes out
 the front door to:

 EXT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - DAY

 As the commercial garbage truck pulls up and TWO GARBAGEMEN
 start to load her trash.

    KATHLEEN
  Hey, you forgot to pick up the garbage
  last week and I got a ticket.  And you're
  late today -- I could have gotten
  another.

    GARBAGEMAN #1
  We were here, there was no garbage.

    GARBAGEMAN #2
  Yeah.

    KATHLEEN
  Of course there was --

    GARBAGEMAN #1
  What do you think, I don't want to pick
  up garbage?  You think I go up and down
  the street picking up garbage, I'm not
  going to pick up yours?  What's the
  matter with you?

    GARBAGEMAN #2
  Yeah.

 Kathleen is standing there, tongue-tied.
 
    GARBAGEMAN #1
  You don't even bundle it right, you're
  supposed to bundle it and leave it near
  the curb, you leave it near the store
  and you use cheap garbage bags, they
  smear all over the place, and then I got
  to pick it up with my shovel --

 INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - CONTINUOUS

 As Christina, who's helping one of the customers, looks out
 the window as the harangue continues.

 EXT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - CONTINUOUS

    GARBAGEMAN #1
  And now you're busting my chops.  You're
  just another garbage pick-up to us, okay?

    GARBAGEMAN #2
  Yeah.

 As Kathleen continues to stand there, speechless.

 INT. SHOP AROUND THE CORNER - CONTINUOUS

 As Kathleen comes back into the store.  Christina is ringing
 up a sale.

    KATHLEEN
  That guy went ballistic on me.

    CHRISTINA
  I hope you told him off.

    KATHLEEN
  Not exactly.

 Another customer enters the store.  The bell jingles.

 EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE ON COLUMBUS - DAY

 A little truck carrying a knife sharpener, its bells ringing,
 passes the building under construction.

 INT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - DAY

 WORKERS, ELECTRICIANS, MASONS, CARPENTERS, etc. in the
 process of building what looks like a large store.  Wires
 hanging everywhere.

    KEVIN
  The electrical contractor called.  His
  truck hit a deer last night, he won't be
  in 'til tomorrow.  The shelves are late
  because the shipment of pine had beetles.
  And there's some question about whether
  we're installing the stairs in the right
  spot --

    JOE
  That sounds great.

    KEVIN
  Testing one two three four.

    JOE
  Is the electrician here?

    KEVIN
  I just told you -- he hit a deer.

    JOE
  I hear nothing.  Not a sound on the city
  streets, just the beat of my own heart.
  I think that's the way it goes.
  Something like that.

    KEVIN
   (beginning to glean something)
  Did you and Patricia get engaged?

    JOE
  Engaged?  Are you crazy?

    KEVIN
  I thought you liked Patricia --

    JOE
  I love Patricia.  Patricia's amazing.
  Patricia makes coffee nervous.
   (suddenly all business)
  Are we still on schedule?

    KEVIN
  We open two weeks before Thanksgiving.

    JOE
  I guess we should announce ourselves
  soon.  Tell people we're coming.

    KEVIN
  This is the Upper West Side of Manhattan.
  The minute they hear they'll be lining up
  --

    JOE
  -- to picket --

    KEVIN
  -- the big bad --

    JOE
  --chain store --

    KEVIN
  -- that destroys --

    JOE
  -- everything we hold dear.  But we'll
  seduce them with our square footage and
  our deep armchairs and our amazingly
  swift checkout lines and our discounts
  and our...

    JOE & KEVIN
   (the trump card)
  -- cappuccino.

    JOE
  They hate us in the beginning, but we
  get them in the end.  Meanwhile we
  should just put up a sign -- Coming soon,
  a Foxbooks Superstore and The End of
  Western Civilization As We Know It.

 INT. FOXBOOKS - WORLD HEADQUARTERS - DAY

 Joe is in the office with his father, NELSON FOX, and his
 grandfather, SCHUYLER FOX.  The office has been recently
 redecorated; everything is new and a little overdone.

 On the wall we see the Foxbooks logo.

    JOE
  Kevin and I are both a little concerned
  about the neighborhood response --
   (suddenly notices the garish
    couch)
  What is this fabric?  Does it have a
  name?

    NELSON
  Money.  Its name is money.

    JOE
  Gillian selected it.

    NELSON
  Of course.

    SCHUYLER
  Your father is getting married again.

    JOE
  Oh, great, congratulations, Dad.  Why?

    NELSON
  Who knows?  Why does anyone get married?

    JOE
  Love.

    NELSON
  Yes, that is one reason.

    SCHUYLER
  I think you're a damn fool.

    NELSON
  Dad, Matthew is four.  It would be nice
  for him if his parents were married.

    SCHUYLER
  Annabel is eight and I'm not married to
  her mother.  I can't even remember her
  mother's name.
   (he laughs merrily)

    JOE
  I have a very sad announcement to make.
  City Books on 23rd Street is going under
  ...

 Nelson, Shuyler, and Joe high-five each other.

    NELSON
  Another independent bookstore bites the
  dust --

    SCHUYLER
  On to the next.

    JOE
  And I'm buying their entire stock --
  architecture, New York history -- for the
  new store.

    NELSON
  How much are your paying?

    JOE
  Whatever it costs, it won't be as much as
  this exquisite mohair episode.
   (indicates the couch)
  We're also going to have a section on
  West Side Writers --

    SCHUYLER
  -- as a sop to the neighborhood.

    NELSON
  Perfect.  It'll keep those West Side
  liberal nut pseudo-intellectual bleeding
  hearts --